Hi,

I’m not sure this is the right place for this post. It could also have been in “weddings” or “30 something” (I am 29, my husband and the other people involved a few years older). However, as it involves married people I thought this board would be appropriate.

My husband and I got married 7 months ago. We had a wonderful and perfect day except for one event. Our wedding was small. We had 5 tables: one for us and our guests from overseas, 3 for our family members and 1 for our friends. A couple of my husband’s friend made a fuss because they wanted to sit at a family table. In order to keep things smooth, my husband agreed to this and they sat with our brothers and sister. They didn’t say a word to my brother and my sister (who both are very shy). My husband blames himself for the “wrong” seating plan (the one with them at the friends table). He feels that he should have guessed how they were going to react giving that they are very sensible to “friendship pieces of evidence”. I disagree. There were no “better” tables than other. We value both friendship and family on equal level.

This situation made me very uncomfortable so about a month after the wedding I asked to have a chat with them (my husband was there too). It was the worst chat ever. It turned out that they’d been cross at us (mainly me) for at least a year, for several reasons:

• At the wedding, they believe that they “deserved” to sit with our family members instead of our friends. Also, they didn’t want to sit as the same table as some of my friends (based on looks, they had never met or talked to them before). Their excuse for ignoring my side of the family is that they don’t talk to people they don’t know, that’s how they are and I should accept that.
  
  
• They feel that at 2 events I ignored their friends: at the first event I wasn’t there (we had our new kitchen delivered and somebody had to stay home. However, I send them a nice housewarming gift as an apology). I was at the second event. Because I knew nobody I made a deliberate effort to talk a little bit to everybody: I served drinks and chatted with everybody about their outfits (it was a costumed party) in order to start conversation. I can tell the story behind everybody’s costume from this day. I don’t see that as ignoring people.
  
  
• They think that we bought our house as a competition with them. Indeed, we bought our house about at the same time. But for “normal” reasons: we’d be living together for a couple of years, we were getting married, we wanted to have a place of our own to raise our future children, and also, because the lending rates were very low (my husband is a banker).
  
  
• I’m not open enough with them. They feel that I’m “hiding” myself. I guess it could be true. But they’ve never really took interest in me (for example, I lost my job in a very media covered reorganisation. They obviously knew about it but never asked if I was ok). Being open in a “friendship” goes both ways for me. You cannot talk about everything with people who don’t care about you.
  
  
• I once made a comment I shouldn’t have. (It was long after they started to be mad at us. It’s not the starting point.). I explained them what I really meant and deeply apologized for the misunderstanding. My mistake. No discussion.
  
  
• This list goes on but the worse of it for me is that they discussed this with all my husband friends and his 2 brothers. They told us that people agreed shared their view on us. This situation went on for over a year. If I hadn’t provoked the talk we would still be there: not knowing they were mad at us, not understanding why we didn’t get invited at some events (they kept accepting our invitations, but never returned them), etc.

I am obviously very shocked and hurt. I decided to stop seeing them. When I know they will be at an event, I don’t go. People know that we had an argument but we decided not to tell anybody who knows both of us what was said. We feel that this is between them and us and don’t want other to be involved. They are actually not bad people. They can be really present and loyal to those they consider their friends.

My husband was hurt too but decided that it was more important for him to maintain the nice balance they have: they’ve all been friends for over 10 years, they go on a hiking trips together with other friends every year. He decided to forget the discussion and not to change his behaviour toward them. When I don’t go to an event he finds excuses: I’m sick, tired, I don’t like hiking, etc. He feels I am overreacting and that I should forget about the whole thing. He has a very peaceful personality and tries to avoid conflict as much as possible. I respect and admire that. I am more impulsive and I believe this is one of the reasons why we “fit” together.

I am very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Part of me understands that my husband wants to preserve his nice group of friends (including his brothers, which doesn’t help). I want him to be happy and I know how important this is to him. The other part of me feels that he’s acting “like a doormat” (before we met the same friend slept with his ex girlfriend but that too he forgave) and would like to have him on my side, protecting me and taking my defence. This part of me is starting to question his love and attraction for me: if he really did love me, he would act differently; if I were smaller and skinnier, he would feel more protective over me.

As long as we don’t talk about them, I’m ok. However, when I know that my husband is going to see them or just talk to them the second part of me gets really angry at him and very anxious. I try to explain how I feel but it always leads to arguments. The whole thing makes me very anxious, when I think about it or we talk about it, it prevents me from sleeping because I have this huge knot in my stomach. After a few days, I re-bury it, until the next time.

What should I do? Should I forget about the whole thing and act like it never happened? (If so, how?) Do I have a way out of this whole situation? I love my husband and except for this, everything is great between us. I’m not saying that I am innocent here. However, I feel that his friends should at least apologize (Which I did during the discussion). Then I’d be ready to make and effort and to “coexist” with them. What do you think?

Thank you so much for reading this far!

Holy jeeze. I actually think part of you should just flat out pity your husband. Think about it - dude is SO lonely and desperate for friends, that he's forcing himself into situations with people that have openly and willingly said "We don't like you and we don't want you here." Like...really? That's actually quite sad.

I think you're blowing his reaction out of proportion - he wants to hang out with people that don't like him, so that means he doesn't find you attractive? :/ Do that math for me one more time?

But it sounds like YOU aren't all that satisfied with your husband anyway, even outside of this. Perfectly happy, healthy, well adjusted relationships don't involve provoking drama, explaining away everything about who you are and and crumbling under the slightest bit of pressure.

My fiancee has a friend who's wife doesn't like me. She doesn't like me for reasons that she COMPLETELY MADE UP* (like your friends). For a time, he tried to maintain a friendship with the guy anyway, and just eventually gave up. It's a shame too - they did everything together for a long time, and he had to just give up. Know why? He gave up because of her dislike for me - there was only so long he could leave me, and later me and his kid, to fend for ourselves while he went off running around with his friend, before it just got stupid. So they do sometimes come around on it on their own.




*Evidentally, at some point in the one time I met the guy, I gave him a lap dance. Despite the fact that we were never left alone, and my boyfriend would have flipped his lid if I'd carried on like that. So...there you go. That's why she doesn't like me.

Let's go over this...

Their excuse for ignoring my side of the family is that they don’t talk to people they don’t know, that’s how they are and I should accept that.

They feel that at 2 events I ignored their friends

So it's okay for them to be shy, but not you? Hypocritical much? They need to get over themselves.

They think that we bought our house as a competition with them.

People like this tend to have grandiose ideas that everything in the world and anything anybody does somehow relates to them...you can only hope they'll grow out of it. In the meantime, nobody should keep people like this in their lives.

I’m not open enough with them. They feel that I’m “hiding” myself. I guess it could be true. But they’ve never really took interest in me (for example, I lost my job in a very media covered reorganisation. They obviously knew about it but never asked if I was ok). Being open in a “friendship” goes both ways for me. You cannot talk about everything with people who don’t care about you.

Again...it's okay for them to be shy and flat out ignore people they don't know, but it's not okay for you to be shy towards people you barely know? And why SHOULD you open up to them? They're jerks and you weren't friends with them to begin with...again with how everything has to do with them.

If I hadn’t provoked the talk we would still be there: not knowing they were mad at us...

Their maturity is astounding.

They're chidish, hypocritical douchebags with superiority complexes, straight up, and I have no clue why your husband wants to remain friends with them...longevity is no reason to make efforts to keep up a crappy friendship.

The great thing is that I went through this last year with some acquaintences...they're not worth my time and these people aren't worth yours or your husbands. They were the exact same type of people, too...they think they're all that, everybody should love them, and they can say/do whatever they want, while nobody else can. The ultimate in douchebaggery...when you think about it, it's really quite sad that they somehow developed into this behavior.

It IS very awkward when somebody wrongs people but somebody in they alienated tries to stay friends with them...it definitely makes that person look like a doormat and why would they bother anyway? As stated, people like that aren't worth anybody's time. I'd be really annoyed were I in your place...your husband should man up and either talk this out with them or quit keeping horrible people in his life. Doormats are for the doorstep, not for marrying/dating/being friends with.

Thank you Theresa for your input. You gave me quite a lot to think about.


I'm under a lot of stress for the moment and I am clearly being oversensitive and irrational about the whole thing. Yes it's sad and maybe unfair but I should be able to let go. I'm still uncomfortable with the fact of spending time with them (so I'll keep avoiding such situations) but I will respect my man’s position. We’ll see what the future brings.


I believe we are a happy and healthy couple. As I said before, we are under a lot of pressure (losing my job just after we bought the house has made some things quite difficult) and sometimes the pressure is released in the wrong place. I think we might benefit from a day just for the 2 of us: go hiking or treating ourselves to a spa thing.


Thanks for the butt kicking. That's just what I needed.

^You're not overreacting. Well you're overreacting in interpreting what all of this MEANS, but you're not overreacting in thinking that this is nuts. Because it is.

You'd also have better ability to move on, if your husband wasn't basically refusing to give you a bandaid. You know? You got to the bottom of it, figured out what it was, and your husband keeps jabbing at the wound and refusing to allow you both to heal and move along.

How old are these people, 12? "WE have decided we don't like you" screams preteen clique. I can completely understand how you feel that your husband has "chosen" these friends over you- he's still facilitating their behavior while they outright insult you.

Your husband should seriously tell them "Even if you don't LIKE my wife, you WILL NOT speak ill of her at all in my presence".

And find some new friends for the both of you- If he's put up with these people for a decade then he needs to be shown what decent, true friends actually are.

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to read my novel and to give me you opinion.

I more certainly share your view about his friends. They are being childish and unfair to us.

The great new is that right after I wrote my first reply, my man rang me (I was at work) to apologize for his behaviour and to tell me he'd realized that he wasn't being correct with me (I think he also had his butt kicked, by his collegue I guess). He's decided to talk to them about what happened and to give them one chance to apologize to me. I'm not sure where this will lead but, having decided to let go (following Theresa first reply) and feeling supported, I feel much better. I actually don't really need for them to apologize (the further I am from them, the best I feel) but just knowing that I'm not alone in this is really nice.


Thank you very much!

Glad he's come around.

But for real, though, you have some great self control. Because just reading everything, I wanted to lay the smackdown on those people.