Today was lovely. First of all I had a really important talk with my friend this morning. I'd gone shopping with her this past Monday, and she kept talking about how she had big legs and she never wore shorts and although she never would have an ED she would understand how someone would. The more I thought about it, the more I realized- that's me all over. That is literally exactly what I used to say. So I wanted to talk to her and explain that she's not fat, she does NOT have big legs, and the way she sees herself is not how she really is. So we talked this morning and I'm so, so glad we had that conversation. And it reinforced to me that that slip up I had a week ago does not have to send me down that path again and I want to be happy. My brain doesn't have to control me.

Then I went to the Spanish-speaking service at my church. I'm still not sure what I believe religion-wise but I love going to that service because I love Spanish and I love the people. I feel like South-American cultures are much more friendly and easygoing and I love that compared to here.

After that, I went back with my sister to watch more of the horse show that I went to on Thursday. Tonight is hunt night- all the classes are foxhunting related and all the local hunts compete against each other to earn the most points. It's really fun to go, because the events are fun to watch, and lots of people come and tailgate and there are always lots of my friends there. I hung out with some school friends (including getting some nice relationship advice from the very drunk mother of a guy who used to go to my school haha) and it was just overall a fun night

Alriiiight. Well I have officially survived the first week (well 4 days...) of senior year. It's been a lot of work, but the senior privileges freaking ROCK. Especially the senior lounge! Everyone's all very "college college college" which makes me feel stressed out but excited too. I've got a kind of long list of colleges to apply to. The list as of right now is:
UVA
William and Mary
Johns Hopkins
Ursinus
U of Richmond
Bowdoin
Middlebury
Yale
Princeton
UPenn
Amherst or Williams (maybe both but I haven't visited them yet)
Trinity (in Ireland)

I know it sounds like a pretty crazy list, but my theory on colleges is this: First of all, you only get one chance to apply so why not apply to the "reach" schools- obviously some of the schools on that list are really really hard to get into, but there's no reason not to at least try right? I don't have anything to lose, and if they say no (which they most likely will) they say no. It's not the end of the world. And second of all, I am not going to be one of those people who picks a number one or a dream school right now. I have known so many people who fall in love with a school and then tell everyone how they are going there... and then not get in. So I figure, apply to lots of schools- I'm guessing I'll get into at least 3 of them- and then pick the one I love after the acceptances come out

One thing I've noticed already about this year is how party-crazy everyone is. They all just want to drink and smoke- even the people I thought were super uptight have tried stuff I never thought they'd try. I'm kind of eh about the whole thing. I don't like the idea that there has to be alcohol involved to have fun. Plus, my parents are really uptight about that stuff and there'd have to be a lot of either begging or lying involved, in order for me to be allowed to do things that I'm not all that crazy about anyway. I don't have any problem with it, it's just... fun doesn't have to come out of a bottle.

This afternoon was interesting. D and I were going to chill after school and then this other guy S asked if D could hang out with him. D said "sure- Ciara's coming too" and S was like, what, are you on a date or something? We both kind of shook our heads and laughed, and D was like "nah, we just chill a lot." There's still that bit of me that wants people to mistake us as a couple, and for him to say yes to that question...

So we went to Chipotle with S, and hung out with a couple more of S's friends for a while. When they left, D had to pick up his paycheck, so we went to Denny's, where he works. His manager asked if I was his girlfriend too. I just laughed and said no. Then we went to Border's for a while (which was really depressing and empty haha) and we were talking about our topics for our Senior Thesis. I think I want to do something about psychology because I'm really interested in it, and he has a lot of different topics he's thought about, so we were chatting about that, and one of the things he mentioned maybe doing was obesity America. We started talking about that a bit, and ended up tailing about "Maggie Goes on a Diet" (see the debates board if you don't know what I'm talking about...) and he was saying what I good idea he thought it was. I said I thought there were some obvious problems about it, that kids didn't need to focus on being "thin".



And then he said something I don't think I'll every forget.
triggering
Spoiler: Show
I should have freaking slapped him, I know. I just hate it when he says things like that because I'm stupid enough to believe him. And it's D who got me through so much a couple months ago... He's not supposed to say stuff like that. I need a hug

ouch trigger much!

So last night I was sitting on the couch after dance, watching the finale of America's Got Talent, when my sister showed me her computer screen and said, "did you know about this?" I looked over and it was on the facebook profile of a guy who used to go to my school, and all the wall posts were RIP. This guy was expelled from my school 2 years ago for drugs, and my school is really small so being expelled is a big deal- I've gone there my whole life and it's only happened 4 times. But he kind of turned into a legend- he was the one who was cheered out of his last class going "F this", the one who sent an email to the entire school after he was kicked out, saying how he didn't deserve that. I know he was really into drugs, and he died by ODing on PCP.

I didn't know him that well. But my school is small enough that not knowing someone well still means you've talked to them, had classes with them... And although I've known friends of friends who have died young, it's never been someone that I actually knew. Being friends with him on facebook, scrolling through all the RIP posts to see the last statuses that he posted...

I saw my friend S crying today- he is one of those guys who jokes around constantly, who I've never seen give any kind of serious emotion. And seeing him cry just made my heart hurt.

What an absolutely amazing, exhausting couple of days.

Saturday was Baltimore feis- I did alright, although I didn't get what I needed. But after I was done, I waited to watch my friend M's results. She needed her 2nd prelim 1st, and she felt like she'd danced really well... They placed around 12 (it was a big class) and everyone was sure she'd place, so as they got up to the 3rd place and then 2nd place, and she still wasn't called, everyone got more and more excited, and then they called 1st and SHE WON!! I was so happy for her because she's worked so, so hard and she totally deserves this! If you're reading this dear, I loveeee you and good luck in open

Sunday afternoon I went up to school to go on our senior class trip. I just got home today, and it was so so much fun. I am exhausted, and my arms/ shoulders are really sore (I have weakling arms. It's kind of embarrassing actually- there's a pull-up bar in my room from the people who lived in the house before, and I can't do a pull-up). But it was such a perfect start to the year.

Kayaking was fun, and we just had so many great times as a class. The whole thing was amazing. From playing crazy games in the middle of the night, to seeing my very classy and not-outdoorsy-whatsoever friend K kayaking it up (after flipping the kayak in the first 5 minutes haha) to sleeping in a very... rustic... cabin, I just had such a fun time.

But the best parts of the whole trip were the two nights sitting around the campfire. On the first night, we had a scary story contest which somehow turned into all the guys talking about their down-there medical emergencies. SO FUNNY. Then we went around with a talking rock, saying what we wanted to take away from this year and what we wanted to contribute, and that was when it kind of hit me that this is the last year. This is the last year we have all together, and the last year we have at this school. I have gone to this school since I was in kindergarten, and although I have hated it and wanted to leave at times, I would not be anywhere close to who I am now without that school and these people, and I am so, so grateful for it. That is something I love so much about going to a small school- it's so cliche, but while we are a little dysfunctional at times, our class is a 39-person family, and every single person has impacted me for the better in some way.

Then we all stood around the fire holding hands and had a moment of silence for Z, the guy who died last week, and then a few people talked afterward about him and about how close we all are and how we all need to value life and live with no regrets and I don't think anyone managed to keep the tears in. We all kind of went around hugging people and crying after that. I think we all realized how close we are, and how thankful we all are for each other, and it was perfect.

Yesterday, before the campfire, we all got an envelope with half the class's names in papers inside and we had to write something positive for everyone. It was such a good idea to do that, and both writing them and reading them really made me think. Both seeing the good in everyone and hearing the good about yourself is so powerful.

Then around the campfire, after listening to one of the chaperones tell us some really amazing stories (he is a retired 3-star general), our guidance counselor, the one who helped me so much last year, got up and told us a teaching story with elements that represented desire, ego, the mind, and the heart. She'd told it to me before when I was going to see her, and hearing it again reminded me how absolutely grateful I am for what she did for me. I'm in a good place now. I'm happy.

This year is going to be amazing.

Woooo so much is going on. College apps, SATs, senior thesis, a crap-ton of homework. Not to mention dance 3 days a week and riding and Model UN and Peer tutoring... If I make it through this year alive it will be a miracle haha.

But I am really happy with my senior thesis topic- I am doing The Neuropsychology of the Placebo Effect because I am interested in neuroscience, psychology, and medicine so it's a perfect topic. It is actually SO MUCH FUN to do the research for it. I'm a teensy bit of a nerd

The one thing that stresses me out though is not the school or the 10 million things due or dance. It's parties. Everyone's having the first big party of the year tonight and just the idea of it brings up the anxiety and urges that I haven't had to deal with much lately. I can't decide if I even want to ask if I can go, because I don't want to be the only person who doesn't, but I also don't want to be the only one who goes and doesn't drink. And I really don't want to drink and then not be able to go home and/ or get in HUGE trouble with my parents. I don't honestly have a problem with drinking, not at all, but I wish fun didn't have to include alcohol.

As soon as people started talking about the party at school, I don't know why, but I felt that old feeling, the one that makes me cut and starve, come back.

It kinda sounds like you don't want to go to the party...or at least, the fact that your anxieties keep coming back every time it's mentioned makes me think that you don't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having fun. However, if the social pressures you'd feel at the party are making your anxieties flare up again, maybe you should sit this one out. You could always use an early dance practice the next day as an excuse.

Thank you... I think you're right. I did actually end up going and it was fine but I was literally the only one who didn't have anything because I had to drive, so it was ok but not the best. And just because it worked out ok this time doesn't mean I'm not going to freak out next time either. Bleeeh. I don't know why it's stupid things like this that bring the feelings back but for some reason it is. So DarcysReel I probably will end up using the dance practice excuse next time

The one thing that really kind of surprised me though is that my parents were totally fine with me going as long as I didn't drink. My mom made a point of saying how much they trust me, and I think I do believe her. I go to a school with a lot of rich parents who couldn't care less, and compared to them, my parents are really, really strict. I get a lot of "Don't they trust you?" when I tell people I can't go to something or I have to be home by a certain time. And I think I've been getting trust confused with not giving a crap.

The kids who think their parents "trust them" are actually the ones whose parents couldn't care less, and so they are the ones who end up driving high and rolling their car or getting alcohol poisoning or whatever else. Because I've never given them any reason not to, my parents trust me to go, and to not get smashed, and be home by a certain time. And so I do because having them not trust me next time isn't worth it. This is kind of a big revelation for me actually, because I have always thought my parents were crazy crazy strict, but now it makes a little more sense.

Alright... it's been a while.

The past few weeks have been pretty uneventful- college apps, homework, and dance basically This past weekend was crazy though! Saturday I went to the steeplechase horse races with my friend from dance which was fun. It was funny though because the area where I live is on the edge of Northern VA but it's full of really really rich old-money horsey people and she's from closer to DC and goes to public school, so it was like a whole different world to her. I mean for me, going somewhere where most of the women have huge feathered hats and where there are tailgate parties with stuffed foxes on the table is not that abnormal. I'd kind of forgotten how weird it is until she came with me haha.

Then I did record-time getting ready for homecoming and went to my friend's house where we took pictures and stuff. We decided to go to Panera for dinner because screw it, who needs a fancy dinner and it actually was really really fun!

Then we went to the dance which was fun as well, although who am I kidding, I'm not over D. Not even a little. I wish I just could be. I don't want to like him. I want it to be lovely and uncomplicated, where I can see him dancing with other girls and not get that little jealous feeling in the pit of my stomach. But I can't. The one thing I think I've learned pretty thoroughly in my life so far is that the harder you try not to care, the more you end up caring.

I skipped the after-party because I had to wake up at 6 the next day for a dance competition in Williamsburg. Apparently I missed some interesting dramz haha. I almost wish I'd just stayed because the competition did not go well. Let's just say I was a little bit... tired...

But after that I got dinner with my friend from gov school who lives in Williamsburg. That was seriously the best part of the day! It was so great to see her again- it had been way too long. And it turns out we're applying to a lot of the same schools too which is exciting!

Eek it's been awhile...

So let's see. Last week I went on a big college trip with my dad- visited 8 schools and went 1650 miles in 5 days! Good times. I am so ridiculously excited for college now. And on the subject of college, I submitted my Early Action apps last night to Yale and UVA last night, which was stressful, although nice to have them out of the way. I find out about Yale (chances are very slim haha) in mid-December and UVA (don't want to jinx myself but chances are decent) in January. FINGERS CROSSED!!

Life has been decent but there's issues...
trigger warning Spoiler: Show


The other thing is I can't seem to get over D. I shouldn't want him any more. He's said too many things that I shouldn't be okay with. Friends is better. And yet, and yet, and yet.

I sent you a PM re the spoiler

Thank you

Gah I wish I could get over D. He's so not what I want or need so I can't see why I can't get over myself and get over him! His idea of a perfect girlfriend is one who is very hot and will have lots of passionate sex with him. I know I'm the girl he values most as a person in life. We've been through so much and we've always been there for each other and all that jazz, but that isn't what he wants in a girlfriend. We're like brother and sister and I know that means he actually cares more about me...I know it's better to be appreciated for my heart and my mind than for my boobs and my vagina, to put it bluntly... It all makes sense typed out like that. So why do I STILL get jealous when he talks about girls he wants to hook up with or that he thinks are hot or whatever?

This weekend was the best!

So Saturday I had a dance competition... It went off to a bad start- I was competing with teams and our team did horrible and tied for last so that was awful. I was in a kind of grumpy mood about that because last time we won, and we were really good, but then this guy came in for workshops and "fixed" everything and it all got way worse. But the thing is about me, when I'm grumpy, I dance better

So basically... even though I ran into the girl I was dancing with like 5 times (I think our steps were exact mirrors of each other haha) I WON MY SLIP JIG! I got 2nd in my hornpipe as well so that was nice. That was the last first I needed for prelim! My teacher has different rules, so I still have to get a couple more places (2nds or 3rds) but I've got the firsts taken care of, and that's the hard part.

So that was a great day, not to mention, a bunch of my friends from other dance schools were there who I hadn't seen in a while. My friend C from gov school was there, as well as my two best dance friends who dance at different schools now, and my lovely little buddy M who is far and away the best dancer I know. It was a good day!

Then after that, we had a big sleepover for everyone who's on an Oireachtas team, which was a ton of fun as well. We played Wii Just Dance and watched jig and did an ab session at 2 am (I did 6 and a half minutes of flutter kicks!!!) and ate fro yo and laughed a lot and it was all just so fantastic.

Congratulations on your placements!!!! That's so awesome

And it sounds like you had a really good day, yay!

Thank you! It really was Well done on your recall at O, too! That's amazing

Right. Well really I'm just stressed. Stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed. College applications are crazy, not to mention I find out my first admissions decision in a month. I have exams starting the day after tomorrow. And Oireachtas is in 2.5 weeks. 2.5 WEEKS. I probably shouldn't be on DDN right now but I need a break! This is going to be a bit (a lot) of a vent so... fair warning

I feel like I'm just floating around and not really involved in life at school anymore. My friends K and S (who were two of my best friends last year, especially K) have kind of become those girls in the super-short skirts that flirt non-stop with everyone and get tons of attention. They do their own thing and I find it so hard to hang out with them because really they just want to be as sexy as possible all the time. And that is just not me. Our class is only 40 people, which is basically split down the middle into the rich preppy kids and the slightly less rich and not so preppy kids. I'm friends with people in both but because of that I feel like I'm not really a part of either group. In my school we're very inclusive- if you're rich and thin and smart and have parents that don't give a damn. Otherwise... sucks for you. I've had to fake being "normal" my whole life there. My family is way, way more conservative than just about everyone there. We have money but it's not disposable like most of the people in my class. I'm don't play one of the "usual" sports. I'm not a size 00 and probably never will be. Which just makes it so much harder to fit in.

Then there's colleges. I had a bit of a breakdown a few days ago because I was thinking about how no one from my school really goes to that great of colleges. There've been plenty of smart people over the years but in the past 5 or 6 years we've only had 2 people get into ivies, and both are to Princeton to play soccer. It shouldn't be that way--the tuition is high enough that if a student from my school works hard, they should be able to go just about anywhere they want. I know, I know, going to an Ivy or a top-ranked school isn't the be-all end-all of education. But I have worked so hard in school and I want to go to the best school I possibly can. My grades and standardized test scores and classes that I've taken are all right up there with the people who normally get into schools like that. But even my college counselor said the likelihood of getting into an ivy from my school is very, very,very low, especially without being an athletic recruit. AND WHY IS THAT? Why are my parents spending more per year than an in-state college education costs, if I don't even have a chance at getting into the schools I really want to go to?

Then of course there's dance. I don't want to do go into a rant in public about this one so... is there anyone I can PM that wouldn't mind hearing a bit more ranting?

Alright... Well that was fun. Typed out all like that I sound like kind of a whiny witch. But wow I had to get that out somewhere

PM me for a dance rant? Im always happy to sympathize. also, in the US getting into a college seems so hard! In canada it seems way easier. I go to the so called "best" univeristy in my province..which isnt really anything in comparison to say Harvard, McGill, Princeton, etc. all I had to do was submit my 1st and second term high school grades and I was in. no SATs, no scary stuff. I feel bad for you!

You can rant to me about dance if you want, I basically feel like my whole life is dance problems.

You can PM me if you need to get a dance rant out of your mind

Oh man, what a bundle of sunshine that last post was haha! Thanks to those of you that I PMed! I appreciate it Apparently (according to one of the brain books I read for my thesis) it is chemically true that the hormones you get from being in a bad mood about something (aka dance, in that last post) make everything else seem bad too. So really, it's not that everything goes wrong at once, it just seems bad. That would explain this past Tuesday

So thanks to a good class on Wednesday and a fantastic class yesterday, I am in a substantially better mood about life and dance and school. I'm in the middle of exams tight now. I did Lit and AP Euro yesterday, which were a lot of writing and pretty hard, but I felt well prepared, and then Spanish 3 and AP Stats today which were SO EASY. I finish each one in about half an hour and then I had to wait for an hour before I turned them in, so I just hand-danced a lot.

Also in between exams, we have a long lunch, so I went out to eat/ study with K and S (the ones I was complaining about last time haha) and my other friend R. Not sure if that's allowed but I think it is. It was so nice. I think the reason I was feeling pushed out before is because ether both play tennis, so they're always having sleepovers after tennis things and telling tennis inside jokes and stuff, and then I've been busy with dance so I don't really have time to go hang out outside of school. It's not that we aren't friends though so it's all good!

And and and!! I added more rhinestones to my dance dress (only the Irish dancers will get my excitement on this one haha). It had a bunch before but I added black ones scattered all over the bodice which looks amazing and super sparkly. I also added some more clear ones on the sleeves. I seriously am a closet rhinestone addict

Just got home from Oireachtas- I am dead dead dead tired but it was really fun!

Results-wise it was exactly what I expected, not what I'd hoped. This is kind of another rant that I'm not going to put in public, so this might have to be a PM, if anyone else wants to read another novel like last time

But all that aside, it was still a super fun weekend! I saw a bunch of friends from dance camp, gov school, and people who used to dance with me, and that was really great. Plus, results aside, Oireachtas is just a fantastic weekend. Being able to watch so many phenomenal dancers is such a treat (and oh my goodness gracious the Watters School dance drama, aka my favorite part of the O), and I just love awards because I love the reactions of the winners so, so much.

The other thing I love is just the whole irish dance-y camaraderie of it. The fact that when you see people with dress bags in the airport, you say hi and good luck to each other even if you have no idea who they are, becasue they're dancers and that means you can be friends. I think part of that is why I love awards so much- the likelihood of me ever winning an Oireachtas is minuscule. But just by dint of being an Irish dancer, I understand how much it means to them and how hard they've worked for it, and to see them cry and shriek for joy as the announcer narrow down the places makes me happy too even if I don't know them.

AND I have to give a huge shout-out to my friends Miya and Marisa (both have DDN accounts but don't use them that often)- Miya for winning yet again and Marisa for qualifying for worlds for the first time! I love you both so much and couldn't be happier for you

Then Sunday night after awards, we spent the night at one of the Universal hotels with some dance friends to go to HP world the next day! Funny story: We stayed at the one called the Royal Pacifica, and as we were walking in, I was looking at all the decorations and gardens and everything, and I meant to say, "I didn't realize this was a themed resort" but instead of "themed resort" I said "teams results"! Too much time at Oireachtas hahaha

And Harry Potter world was AMAZING. They seriously thought of everything. I can't explain it except to say, if you're wondering what it's like, picture the movies. Seriously, it's that good. Aaaaaah.

Glad you had fun! Just watching the results and seeing how emotional everybody gets is really amazing. Im always up for a dance rant PM too.

Commence freak out

Alright so... yesterday i was texting P (remember him?) about W actually, because they're well and truly broken up now but he was wondering if he should still tell her happy birthday (they don't even talk anymore). We were kind of chatting and then out of the blue he said he had to ask me something and then asked if I still liked him and I said I didn't know. And then he said he's liked me forever, and even when he was with W he still felt kind of right hanging out with me and did I want to go out. I don't know what to say. I'm so, so wary because he's said stuff like this before, and I kind of talked myself out of liking him before after he backed out. So I don't know if I actually didn't like him or if I just talked myself into not liking him you know? So basically I just said let's chill and take it slow and see where it goes. I really really don't want to rush into anything.

And today I saw the scariest thing.
SI triggering
Spoiler: Show


On the bright side, I went Christmas shopping for Angel Tree which is SO FUN! I love it

Edit: Oh and irishfeislove, don't worry, I haven't forgotten to PM you! I just don't have time to write my novel right now haha. But there will be a lovely rant coming your way soon! Thanks for always being willing to listen

I've been an emotional roller coaster over the past few days. Oh my goodness gracious.

So since the last entry, I'd been thinking about P a lot and decided that maybe I do like him. Friday night in between teaching the baby dance class and my dance class I went to this Christmas thing in my town with P. Mostly we just hung out and walked around and talked which was just so nice. He's really easy to hang out with. We talked a little about relationship-y stuff and he said he'd liked me since he was 7. So all those signals I thought I'd been misreading- I guess I hadn't, but we just both suck at communicating. So I got back into my car and drove back, singing, "He liked me since he was seven!" at the top of my lungs and then missed my turn haha but I got back to dance eventually.

Then Saturday I had to do Christmas stuff with the fam so I didn't hang out with him but we texted a lot. Sunday, we hung out too- we went to Sweet Frog and stayed and just talked for a couple hours. And then texted a lot Sunday night. And yesterday he came over for dinner with my family because my parents love him.

I think I do like him. I just... I'm so scared of committing and my anxiety and bad triggery feelings come back and I don't know. I've done all the bad things that I'm not supposed to do anymore in the last few days. I should be so happy. The guy that I've liked since forever likes me and we get along wonderfully and my parents love him. And yet, for some reason I freak out about everything and bleh

Tomorrow I'm missing physics to talk to the counsellor though because they're doing an activity where you have to say your weight and I can't handle that, plus I need to talk to her anyway. We'll see...

Wow, it has been a while, and it feels like so, so much has happened. I don't even know where to start.

First of all, P isn't going to happen. He decided W was too recent and he needs more time. I guess it was for the best because it was really bringing up a lot of anxiety stuff, but then him backing out brought up bad stuff too, because when you are the almost-girlfriend so many times, it does start to hurt.

But yeah, other than that, it's been pretty wonderful! Christmas was lovely- lots of good, useful presents (including omg bumble and bumble surf spray!! aaaah most fantastic stuff ever!) and fun times with friends and yeah At the end of break, I had a dance competition in Pittsburgh and my friend and her sister road tripped it with my sister, my mom, and me. It was really fun because this girl and I are pretty good friends but always just in the dance friends joke-around-and-have-fun way, but we had major bonding. We also did have a lot of jokes too though... and some interesting photo booth videos from in the car haha!

I had a fantastic new years with my dance friends- my 4-hand team from oireachtas, plus T, the girl I was talking about before. And although I know the experts say most new year's resolutions fail, I'm trying anyway I found this exercise plan online, and I was going to start with that. Yesterday I was supposed to run 15 minutes, but I was going around my neighborhood and once I got going I decided to just keep running, and then running, and running, and ended up going for an hour and 10 minutes! I didn't keep exact track of the distance, but I'm guessing it was probably around 6 miles, give or take. My goal was going to be to run a 10k by June, but since I did about 10k on January 1st, I think I'm going to be super ambitious and aim for a half marathon! Shoot for the moon, right?

I went to the gym today and did the hill program on the bike for about an hour too, while I read my book for lit. I hope I can keep the momentum going and keep myself motivated through the winter, which is generally when I get icky feeling and lazy. Distance goals aside, my real workout goal is that I will be in good enough shape (physically and mentally) to go to my school's senior beach trip in June and feel comfortable enough with my body that I can wear shorts and a bathing suit and enjoy myself.

P goes to my school now. Long story, but he got kicked out of his boarding school in break for leaving when he wasn't supposed to. But he's a sophomore... a lot of mixed feelings about this. Really, I don't want him seeing me at school- he'll judge me and my friends (and yeah, this is definitely a sign that it's a good thing our relationship didn't work out).

My New Years resolutions have been going pretty phenomenally, actually! I know, I know, it's only been 2 weeks. But I have been going to the gym/ running in my neighborhood/ doing conditioning at home, and I've even done a few of the workout classes at the gym. There's a spin-bike class early in the morning that works to do before school, and there's also this one called "fit yoga" which is AMAZING. Endorphins have been making my life so much more fantastic. Also, I'm noticing little changes in my body already- maybe I just think I'm noticing them and they aren't really there, but honestly I don't care. Health-wise, although there is always room for improvement, my weight, etc. are fine- it's my body image I really need to work on.

Also I've been getting a bit deep and philosophical lately, and I've come to a kind of important conclusion. I've had every opportunity handed to me on a plate- private school, parents who will pay for college and maybe even part of grad school, and a brain that gets me good grades and all that stuff. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, though, because it's the other way around--I think I'm just realizing now that I'm so, so lucky. And so I've decided I am going to take those opportunities and run with them and, cheesy and cliche as it may sound, make a difference. I want my life to mean something.

Today was so good. Spin-bike thing in the morning, and then I ran a little after that which was a perfect start to the day. Then home for a shower and a half-hour power nap before school. School was nothing to write home about but again I have to say that endorphins make everything just that little bit better. Then, after school a couple of my riding friends who are home from college, D and L (who I might have mentioned before), plus L's other friend, came and picked me up from school and we all just ended up chilling at D's house for a while. It was so fun to see them, because although D still rides at the same barn as me when she's home from school, I barely see L ever and we haven't all hung out together in forever.

L and her friend had to leave after a while so D and I just chilled and watched America's funniest videos and ate pizza and stuff, and then she drove me home and gave me the best advice for college next year (she's a freshman this year). And a lot of good stories