Just had a nice lazy, relaxing weekend And the best part is, it keeps going tomorrow!

Friday night in between dance classes I babysat two of the kids who come to the Hispanic service at church at my house. They are 7 and 8, and they are lovely I got out a bunch of my old toys and stuff from the attic, and whoa, I'd forgotten how fun all that stuff is! haha. I'm sure it's not how most of my friends spent their Friday night, but whatever. I had fun

Oh oh oh! The exciting thing I forgot to mention earlier is that their mom is getting married to another guy who also is from the Hispanic service on February 4th! I'm so happy for them, not to mention so excited to go to a wedding in spanish.

Saturday I skyped in my pjs with my friend N who lives in India now for like 2 hours. I really miss her. She went to my school for 9th and 10th grade. I was her buddy to like show her around and stuff when she first came and we basically became best friends instantly, and then she had to move back to India last year which was so sad. I still miss her a lot because as wonderful as all my other friends are, I seriously don't think I can laugh as hard with anyone else! Thank god for Skype though, and I think she's coming back to visit this spring which would be fantastic.

That night I watched Miss America- wish the Irish dance would've won, but at least she was close

Then today was church... Usually I can just kind of float through it and be like, okay, I get where you're coming from at least, but today the sermon was about Sodom and Gomorrah and God's judgement on immorality of this places, and of course that brings up homosexuality as immoral, and yeah, the whole thing just didn't sit well with me.

But then I went back for the Hispanic service, and it was perfect as ever. Why does God make sense to me in Spanish, but not in English? I think I believe in Dios but not God. That doesn't even make sense to me, but for some reason that's how it is.

Also, my Spanish is for sure getting better! I can have like whole entire conversations now! And make sense (mostly, anyway). I think I'm going to start watching telenovelas too, as apparently that helps a lot.

Watched The Adjustment Bureau tonight and loved it loved it loved it! I love clever movies And now I'm going to go and sleep and not wake up for a long, long time. Yay for days off!!

Tomorrow I find out whether or not I got into UVA.... jklaKJaskjlasKSa

So first and foremost....

I GOT INTO UVA!!! This kid is going to college :D

I found out on Friday- they said they were posting decisions online at 5, and I missed assistant-teaching at dance so I could sit in front of the computer and freak out... And I couldn't access the server because so many people were trying to get on! As one of my gov school friends said on Facebook, leave it to 11,000 type A UVA applicants to shut down an entire website But after 45 minutes of waiting, it finally let me log in and all I read was "we are pleased" and saw the word "offer" and I jumped up and screamed SOSOSOSOSO happy. It is amazing to be into such a great school already, so I can stop freaking out

So this week has been pretty fantastic too. Monday, we had a two hour delay for school because of the ice which was wonderful. Then Tuesday I went to the gym in the morning for spin-bikey thing, and about half way through I started to feel dizzy and nauseous. I know they always say to stop working out if that happens but I kept going Then I had to go to the grocery store afterward to pick up something for school and then went home to take my shower, still feeling kind of queasy. After my shower, I tried to yawn and that just pushed it over the edge and I threw up I told my mom and she said I had seemed weird and sick the night before and I should go back to bed. I'm still not sure if I was actually sick or just hadn't gotten enough sleep/ food because I had gone to bed kind of late and had only had a clementine before working out. But my mom thought I should stay home so I wasn't going to complain! Basically slept all morning and part of the afternoon then watched Dance Moms. It was very nice

Then yesterday, I had to go to UVA anyway for an interview for the Jefferson scholarship (it's a full-ride, and you have to get nominated by your school and fill out a separate application, and then if you make it to the semifinal round you go in for an interview). I also did an info session/ tour because even though UVA is close to me and I've been around there before I'd never really officially visited.

I wasn't sure what to think going into it. I mean for sure it's a great school and I was so happy to have gotten in, but I feel like it's really expected for people from my school to go there--everyone who gets in goes--and I wanted to be different! Plus, for the in-state schools, my parents both seemed convinced that William and Mary is more "me."

I. LOVED. IT. First of all, the campus, welllll actually I should say Grounds because that's what they call it, is, to use my Irish dance vocabulary, S*T*U*N*N*I*N*G. Plus it's got that "smart" feeling, and there's a big research hospital right there and there is something about big research hospitals that gives me this little frisson of excitement. And, my tour guide was amazing--she was a double major in psychology and neuroscience (the two things I'm most interested in!) plus she had just gotten back from a study abroad in Spain, and she's really serious about Spanish! So we had a lot in common She talked a lot about the research opportunities she's had and they all sounded phenomenal: she's worked in the UVA psych lab the whole time she's been there doing a lot of really cool stuff, through a connection with a professor she got an internship at Carnegie Mellon over the summer, she's getting a paper published this spring, etc. That was one thing I didn't think I'd find--all the little liberal arts colleges seem to think they have the market cornered on giving research opportunities to undergrads, and I wasn't expecting there to be so much at UVA, it being the size that it is. But I was definitely wrong!

So, we'll see where else I get in. But I could TOTALLY see myself there. After visiting W and M, I remember kind of talking myself into it because everyone had told me I would like it so much. And I think I could be happy there, don't get me wrong. But I most definitely didn't have to talk myself into UVA! So we shall see

Then I had my interview which was terrifying. 7 people all sitting around the table asking you questions and staring you down...eek. And the Jefferson scholar thing is actually kind of weird: it's legally a separate entity from the university, and I just kind of got this odd vibe. I mean not that I would say no to a full ride, but still. It was in this off-campus building and there were all these people who work there who basically interview terrified seniors for a living and it had this strange snobby vibe. I can't really explain it haha.

Then today was wonderful too! School was whatever, but after school was really fun! My one friend and I just went to Walmart for a while and amused ourselves looking for ridiculous things which was entertaining and something different! Then we met up with my other friend S at this Thai restaurant and I got soup because I was going home, and they got dinner. Then I went home for dinner and went back out with S and my other friend R at ruby tuesday. I promise I didn't eat as much as it seems haha!

It was just nice though because with all the dance and college craziness I literally have not had time in forever to just chill and have fun like that. R and S were both saying they feel like they never see me anymore and who do I hang out with now? But I haven't had time in so long so I haven't really been hanging out with people as much. But it was good to just chill and do fun stuff because I've been feeling like I've been floating through senior year without any super close friends, not because they haven't been nice or whatever but because I haven't had time! It actually makes me kind of retroactively annoyed with all the dance practicing. All that time in the studio getting ready for Oireachtas, that time in the car driving to classes--it was time that I could have been spending with friends in the last year that we;re all going to be together.

Not that I don't love dance. Not at all. But the amount of time I was putting in went beyond the enjoyment level. And for what? It didn't pay off at Oireachtas, that's for sure, and it wasn't just me. It didn't pay off for anyone at my dance school, really. Urgh, I'm getting into ranting mode and I'm in a good mood that I don't want to kill so yeah, we'll save that for another time

Well. That was long (TWSS!!!! haha i'm 12, don't mind me....) Well good night DDN

VENTING TIME!

I actually cannot stand P. He's just a horrible bigot and a hypocrite and the reason that any time I think maybe the whole religion thing is a good idea my brain shuts me down because I do not want to be in the category of people like him. I cannot even express how fabulously freaking glad I am that nothing worked out with us. I am also disgusted at how low my self esteem was, that I got "omg someone likes meeee so I must be alright after all" confused with feelings for a guy with whom I have so little in common. I sound like I'm just witch-with-a-b-ing. But seriously. He thinks MLK Jr. is stupid because he calls everyone God's children. He thinks UVA is stupid because it was built around a rotunda instead of a church to signify separation of church and education which, he says, is "just ridiculous." He got mad at my friend CJ because CJ was hanging out with a group of friends including W (who now P is apparently in love with once again) and they were smoking black and milds and asked her if she wanted one and she said yes (they are all at least 18 btw), because P said he "expected better of her." And that is just the tip of the iceberg.... UGH.

Ok so on the subject of happier things... There is a wedding for two people in the Hispanic service at church tomorrow and I cannot wait It has been the loveliest thing, because they don't have a lot of money but so many people have pitched in to make it all work out and it's going to be amazing. Neither of them have parents or many friends in the US outside of the church so two friends are going to be the best man and the maid of honor. The bride is being walked up the aisle by her 3 kids and they are the ones who "give her away" in the service. All the food is being brought in by people and someone donated even hotel points so they could have a honeymoon. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy because they are so lovely and they deserve every last bit of it, and I am so so sooo happy everyone is making it work out for them. I'm gonna need waterproof mascara tomorrow fo sho. See, if that's what being a Christian is, I am so all for it. Love your neighbor just seems to get lost in the shuffle sometimes.

What a fantabulous couple of days We have this ski break at my school (no it does not make sense, and yes I live in Virginia, and no there is not any skiing there to speak of, but it gets us out of school Mon-Wed of this week so I am so not complaining!)

First of all, the wedding was lovely. It was so amazing to see the degree to which everyone helped out and made it the way it was. The church was decorated so beautifully, the food was amazing, the bride (wearing an absolutely gorgeous dress that some friends helped her find at Goodwill for $100 and another friend altered) was beautiful, and it was a great group of people--apparently at least 10 countries were represented there. I also talked to a couple people in Spanish for almost the whole reception and mas o menos, we understood each other!

My friend J came over afterward to spend the night and we watched The Proposal.... Oh man, I had forgotten how freaking HILARIOUS that movie is! So fantastic! Then Sunday was church (meh) and Hispanic church (WOOO!).

Yesterday, I met my friend R for Panera in the morning and then we went back to my house and watched dance moms (don't judge, but I am sooo addicted haha) and also videos from school plays in elementary school which were SO FUNNY. Everyone was so, um, good at singing! Then we went and got our nails done and guess what? I didn't mess any of them up! This is a big accomplishment for me haha.

I had dance after that, which was our once a month company practice, where you go over all out performance routines. It's basically semi-organized chaos with about a kajillion people in the studio and trying to remember all the stuff that you've forgotten since a month ago, and this class we were learning this treble reel thing which basically goes on forever and yeah... Good times. Then K came over after and she spent the night because today we got to go to a....


HEART SURGERY!! My aunt is a nurse at Inova Fairfax which is a big teaching hospital sort of nearby, and they have this observation dome where you can look down on the OR while they do the surgery. She had set it up for us to go once before, and I wanted to do it again and bring K since she is interested in medicine, and like before, it was fantastic! The first time I went was one of the best experiences I have ever had, hands down. I actually wrote one of my college essays about it (it wasn't quite the same surgery, because this time, it was only an aortic valve replacement, not the bypass graft too) but it basically gives you the idea:
Spoiler: Show

This time was just as fantastic, and got me all super pumped up about medicine again (not that I wasn't before, but even more so now!) I don't think I would want to be a CT surgeon necessarily, just because they do a lot of the same thing over and over. But I think surgery is definitely the way to go. As I've said before, I love love LOVE big hospitals. I'm not sure what it is about them, but even before I had any desire to be involved in medicine, there has always been something about them that fascinated me. I also love the orderliness of it all, as I mentioned in the essay. I can't really put my finger on it, but man oh man oh man, I just want to watch more surgeries!!

After that, K and I met up with D (yes, D from last year... but we are just friends now and very happy that way!) and we went to the mall, which was great. Poor D had to put up our J. Crew/ Anthro/ Sephora obsessions but he was a very good sport and it was fun! We also went to Wasabi, which is this sushi place where you sit in the table and the sushi comes by on a conveyor belt and you pick what you want--it's the best!

It's just been a really fun couple of days. The only sad thing is, I really REALLY am not going to feel like going back to school on Thursday! I could get used to just doing this all the time...

Well I did sort of go to school today but over the past few days I've been getting progressively sicker with a bad cold, and I thought I could make it through the whole day, but not so much. I slept through 3rd block in the nurse's office and she took my temperature and I had a fever, so I went home to sleep. I'm feeling better now, but still sort of gross

Yesterday was a great end to the break though! In the morning my friend C came over and we just hung out, which was great because I hadn't seen her in a long time. Then yesterday afternoon, four of the girls (2 sisters who are 7 and 10, one girl who is 8, and another who is 9) from the Hispanic service came over, along with some friends who also come tho the Hispanic service and who we used to do Valentine's day cookies with when I was little It was so much fun. I just freaking love those kids, and I have lots of fun memories from doing Valentine's cookies forever ago, so it was great to pass that along. This little break has basically been perfect

Oh geez it's been so so long.

Well I just got back from a fun crazy weekend! I was at Harvard Model Congress in Boston. We had a great group of people, including some of the freshmen who I am now so wonderfully bonded with The committees were kind of long and boring but fun at the same time... I made really good friends with this one girl and we definitely made it fun haha. It's just a really cool and well-run event. We also had a lot of time to shop too which was wonderful! I love Newbury Street, oh my goodness.

The main thing that happened was the dance... I may or may not have hooked up with 5 boys in 2 hours... Don't judge :S I promise I'm not usually like this, but I got a little wild.

Anyway, today I was absolutely DEAD tired and school was so rough. At the end of the day D wanted to hang out at chipotle which we hadn't done in forever. He told me I was pretty, and it was the first time we'd hung out by ourselves in forever, and we had a rare serious talk. We talked about last year and he said he'd been so afraid of doing anything with me because he didn't want to mess up our friendship. He'd said if we'd ever had sex or something it would have f-ed it all up and he didn't want to lose me.

I'm so tired and I'm rambling but I just feel so... I don't know. Because no matter how many freaking times I say I am, I'm not totally over him. And until I get in a real relationship I don't think I'll ever be. And it just makes me feel so sad because I would have done anything for him. I would have lost my virginity to him if he'd wanted me to. But if he's wanted, I also would have waited forever and ever. We wouldn't have had to have sex. We could just be the same as always but I could know that I was the one he really cared about.

I love the fact that he cares enough to not want to mess up our friendship. But I hate the fact that he thinks it would have to be that way.

I can go off to a model congress thing and meaninglessly hook up with a bunch of guys whose names I don't know and who I will never see again and it's fun but it's thoughtless fun. It might make me feel good to have some guy call me hot or say I'm chill for being willing to do that but it doesn't mean anything really. I know everyone comes to this conclusion at some point and I don't even know what I'm saying, just typing things as they come to me really.

He wants a girlfriend. He doesn't want to just hook up for the sake of it, and I don't want that with him anyway. It would kill me. But he doesn't want me as a girlfriend because he cares about me too much and that tears me apart.

I absolutely HATE the fact that if I were to comment on some of the political BS that I see on my newsfeed from people in my church that everyone would either blow up at me or pray for me. It would just prove to them that they were right all along and my parents took too big of a risk sending me to a secular private school where I get such crazy "liberal ideas."

I hate the fact that they can obsess and obsess over abortion and homosexuality all day long, acting like they're being the moral ones. But what happens when that fetus is born? Heaven forbid that it have healthcare or welfare, or an economic system that helps its struggling parents get off their feet because OMG THAT'S SOCIALIST!!! I CAN FEEL US TURNING INTO THE SOVIET UNION ALREADY!!!

I read links like this: www.whitehousedossier.com . . .
(recently spotted on facebook) and I want to kick something. Of course the sky's the limit... if you're white and educated and have enough money to get there. Lucky for me, I do fall into that category, and most of the people from my church (including the one who posted this) do too. But we are all SO DAMN LUCKY, and I'm actually tearing up a bit thinking about the degree to which we don't even realize it. So if you are already born into a life of stability, more stability isn't something radical or amazing for you. But shouldn't helping people who don't have that kind of stability be a priority?

I don't know if I totally buy into Christianity, but I do agree with a lot of what Jesus said. And he seemed to be a lot more into helping the disadvantaged than "the sky's the limit." I don't disagree with the sky being the limit per se, but it really depends on what you define as the sky. If the sky is living a life of purpose, of helping others and doing something you really love that contributes to the world, then absolutely, I'm all for it. And I don't think that and giving a "ladder" to those who need it are mutually exclusive at all. But if the sky is wealth and power, which is how America tends to think of it, then no, I don't think Jesus would be such a fan, and I'm not either. Sell all you have and give it to the poor and all that jazz.

There's so much else too. Don't get me started on immigration or contraceptives or gay rights or abortion or education or separation of church and state, because I'll be typing all night long...

But if I were to say any of that then they'd start praying for me. My pastor told me the other day that given the schools I am applying to (Ivies and New England liberal arts schools mainly, plus some VA state schools and Johns Hopkins) he recommended to my dad that I go to a summit ministry conference. I didn't know what they were so I just kind of nodded but I went home and googled it.

Summit’s Student Worldview Conferences are intensive two-week retreats designed to teach students how to analyze the various ideas that are currently competing for their hearts and minds.

Soooo Jesus Camp-style brainwashing, basically? No thank you.

I don't think being a Christian has to mean I am conservative. It seems to me like Jesus would be liberal, but I'm just a crazy teenager. If I were to say that I disagree with something that most Christians agree with, even if I use the Bible to back me up, the adults will kindly explain to me why I am wrong and pray that I will see the error of my ways.

I don't know if I even have any faith though, and that's even worse. That's when I become the sheep that left the flock and they really start praying. It's when my parents get heartbroken, and get all the wrong people to help me in all the wrong ways. I think that in order to keep being allowed to go to the school I want to next year and do things that I want to do, I have to act like my faith is very, very strong. So, I keep my mouth shut, and I smile and nod and I go to church and sing and take notes during the sermon and say the right things in Sunday school everyone buys it.

But I feel like I'm such a fake. I'm outwardly endorsing something that I don't morally support. Even if I am a Christian, it's Christian like the people at the Hispanic service, not Christian like the people that go to my regular church. Christian that believes in love, not sexism and racism and homophobia thinly veiled as morality. I'm so not okay with how it is, and I'm so not okay with myself for acting like I am. But I don't want my parents to hate me either, and where do I draw the line?

I feel like crying.

It's been soooo long. I keep almost wanting to post and then my thoughts are too jumbled and it seems like too much effort to type it all so I don't. If I have any diary stalkers left, I'm sorry!

I've been feeling very reminiscent and I just found this journal-ish thing (well not really a journal but just some random things I wrote down) from a year ago when so much was happening and I'm feeling all thoughtful. It's crazy what can happen in a year and it's crazy that everything has changed but nothing has changed at the same time.

Spoilered for SI and ED triggers
Spoiler: Show


I love looking back and thinking about everything. I've been doing a lot of that lately especially since my senior year is almost over and everything's about to change. The other day I was looking through all the receipts in my wallet (weird thing I do: saving all my receipts because there are so many memories in shopping trips and starbucks runs and dinner with friends) which were from basically the last year (so a lot!) and trying to remember the day and event that each of them came from. I could remember almost all of them, which made me really happy. I have so many great memories and I love all the people that I've made them with. I remember this thing that Kaitlin wrote on my birthday card last year and it's stuck with me and sums up my life pretty well: "even through the dark and scary stuff, we've always managed to smile."

Wellllll lots of rambling and soul-searching today haha! It's been a novel already but there's been so much that's happened lately that I'll try and catch the highlights... Hmmm well first of all there's college! Ahhhhh the thing that I think about sososooo much... Final tally: Rejected from Princeton, Yale, Williams, and Amherst (not too surprised or sad--they're called reaches for a reason), and then I got into Ursinus, UVA, William and Mary, and The University of Richmond. Also I was waitlisted at 4 schools (almost wanted so many times hahaaa): Bowdoin, Middlebury, Johns Hopkins, and University of Pennsylvania (!!!). I'm happy about the waitlists actually because they were reach schools and I'm happy they at least liked me enough not to reject me I'm down to UVA or WM for where to enroll (leaning toward WM but that could change) but I'm staying on all 4 waitlists just to see what happens. So basically it's all up in the air!

Then other important things that have happened lately...hmmm well my parents let me go to this big party last weekend and spend the night and I did some crazy things, I'm not gonna lie. But honestly, I'm straight-A-good-kid Ciara all the time, and I don't feel bad about taking a little break from that. It was fun. So there.

Hmm other than that, it's all been pretty normal. I gave blood on Monday with Sammy so that was exciting! Pretty much just lots of hanging with friends and fun times I'm so excited and ready for college, but at the same time, it's only senior year once, and I want to squeeze in all my time with these people cause I'm going to miss them so freaking much next year.

Ok welllll if you read all that I give you major props Hasta luego

I started this diary a year ago! Crazy. Time flies.

My senior year is almost over! I can't get over that fact. I've been doing all the end-of-senior-year stuff, buying dresses for graduation and senior dinner and getting all my grad invitations and all of that, but I still think it hasn't quite hit me all the way yet...

With that in mind though, I have been, shall we say, living it up. It's like last year when I would look at the sad, angry girl and wonder where Ciara went. Now I look at this girl who is, while not wild by many people's standards, pretty crazy compared to perfect daughter A+ quiet Ciara who only does what she's supposed to, and I wonder how I got to this current version of me. Whateverrrrr.

Last night Rachel, Kaitlin, Nia, Robbie, Carter, and I all spent the night at Rachel's house and it was soooo fun. It just put me in such a good mood even though today was a little rough (school night, woo!). We had so many laughs and funny things happening and it was all just a fun time. Love my friends

Then after everyone went to bed, Robbie and I stayed downstairs and talked until like 3:45 about life. He's one of my greatest guy friends and just one of those funny people that everyone likes. We talked about so many things, and majorly bonded and then we were talking about our insecurities and I told him about last year, and the fact that I still haven't quite killed that bit of me--I don't wear shorts, I wear only dark tights with my uniform, bathing suits still give be anxiety attacks--and how our school is so hard because everyone's so perfect. And then he said he has the same problem because he's not ripped like the other guys and he gets freaked out whenever they take off their shirts and stuff and it just made me think. That Robbie, who's like the most carefree, secure person I know still has issues with that stuff. We all have something.

In other news, I finally gave into peer pressure and read the Hunger Games books. They were pretty incredible, I have to say.

Still don't know where I'm going to college... Both the accepted students days were so good, and I love the schools both, but for different reasons... I have to decide by Tuesday sooo yeah I'll get back to you on that. Urggghhh. I should just eeny meeny miney moe it or flip a coin haha.

I DEPOSITED AT UVA!!! Waaaahooooowaaaaa!!!!!

Oh my goodness... it's been a while, again!

Well, starting with the news of the day... I had a feis in NY today, and to get into prelim, all I needed was to place in reel (teacher's rules), so I was really hoping for that. My little sister came out from checking results and was like, "You need to go check" with this smile on her face, and so I was pretty sure I had placed. But it turned out I had won it!! (And slip jig too!) So prelim it is, FINALLY!!

The other big news is that unless something major changes/ falls through I will be going back this summer to the foster home I went to least year, and I will be there for a month as an intern!! I'd been wanting to do that since I went last year but wasn't sure what would work out, but everything all kind of came together and I'm so, so excited. That was the best week of the best summer of my life so to go there for longer this year is going to be so wonderful

I am turning 18 in 4 days, and graduating in 28 days. I can't believe it all came up so fast. It seems like the year started about a month ago. Craziness.

Oh, anddd.... I cannot freaking WAIT to go to UVA next year. Ahhh. All the people that I know going there next year are great, and all the people I've met from the Facebook group seem so friendly and wonderful. Plus it's a great school academically and a fun place to be. It just has such great energy. Right now I'm being pretty ambitious and planning to go pre-med and double major in neuroscience and spanish! That could change, but I'm excited to really start doing what I want to do and accomplishing those life goals

Just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS on getting to prelim! Enjoy it!

Thats awesome! Congrats on Prelim. Are you going to continue dancing when you are at college?

First of all: CONGRATS on making it to prelim! That was always my goal when I started dancing too, and it feels SO good to accomplish that goal! You will have a blast!

Secondly, I am a Bible-believing Christian, who some may call conservative, and can understand some of what you were saying in an earlier post. I just wanted to say if you ever want someone outside of your church to talk to about anything related to this, please feel free to contact me ANYTIME via PM. I definitely don't know it all, but I can try to help in any way I can.

Thank you guys! And irishfeislove, I'm not sure. Hopefully so, but there is only one dance school really convenient to my college and it's not very competitive so I'm not sure. I do know a couple other dancers who will be going next year so we can hopefully be practice buddies at least!

Celticfeet, there will be a very long message making its way to you shortly

So a really sad thing just happened at my school--my friend Sean's dad just died out of the blue of a heart attack on Sunday. I didn't really know him, but a lot of people, especially the lacrosse guys, knew him very well, and my school is so small that that kind of thing affects everyone. The saddest part is that graduation and beach week and prom and all those fun things are coming up, which should be a really happy time of year, but now he has this hanging over him. Also, his girlfriend Erin (who is very very close to his family) is one of my best friends and it's hurting her a lot. When she found out it happened she was so shocked she fell down and hit her chin and has stitches now. I think it was a wakeup call for me--it really made me grateful for what I do have.

In happier news, I finished my last AP exam today, so there isn't much I have to do before graduation! It's such a great feeling, but it's also weird. I have gone to this school for 13 years. The idea of not going there anymore is just so strange.

Annnnddd... TODAY I AM 18!!! Most of my birthday is plane tickets for Mexico, and I'm doing a nice dinner with my friends in a week or so, so today wasn't really a big deal but still! I feel old

Prom is tomorrow. I'm kind of having mixed feelings about it. This year, 3 of my friends and I made a pact to go single because it's so much less stress than having a date. We all kind of made a big deal about it so people knew not to ask us, but my friend Rachel got asked last minute to go with this guy George (he's an eagle scout, and every day at lunch he sells snacks to raise money for student government, and he's going to University of North Dakota next year to learn to fly planes--this should give you an idea of his personality). She said yes, because you can't say no to George, and I don't blame her. But it's still kind of annoying because the pact was her idea in the first place, and she had said just yesterday morning that if he asked, she'd say no.

It's not that I mind going single--that was the plan! But the point was that we were all 4 going to go single together, and now it's just 3 of us. If Rachel hadn't been telling us all this time that she would say no, we could have gotten dates but whatever. haha.

Hopefully it'll be fun though! No more breakdowns in the bathroom a la last year, and no more high expectations. Plus the after party should be fun. There's one little situation involving a guy that I have done things with in the past who apparently likes me but who I don't like, and I'm just worried that might make things awkward at times. He has a date (thanks to the friend who talked him out of asking me! haha) so the actual dance should be ok, but I'm a little worried about the after. He made this little comment to me today about how I'm always leaving him hanging, which concerns me. Because if I didn't leave him hanging then things would happen that I don't want to happen... if you catch my drift; sorry for being so vague.

Tonight is dance workshops, and then tomorrow morning is the mini-feis for just our school. That should be fun because I'll get to hang out with everyone at least! Plus even though it doesn't count I'll get to be in prelim, so that's exciting!

The workshops were great!! I don't always like when that guy does workshops because sometimes he spends the whole time making up new steps and kind of changing them as he goes, and he expects you to pick everything up instantly and to keep up with him changing his mind and it's just stressful But now the new deal is, he makes up steps and gives them to my teacher and she'll pass them on to us, and then during the workshops he just does drill/ technique stuff and maybe minor changes to our steps. I really like the changes he made because they help the direction become more defined instead of drifting around so I'm happy! The school feis went well as well! I got 2nd out of 3, but I was not disappointed with that, especially since I tried the new versions of the steps that I'd done the night before and they were still a little shaky. And I won the treble reel The 1st picture is me with me favorite adorable baby dancer Elaina...is she the cutest or what?

Then of course, the other big event was prom! I went straight home after the feis, took super speedy shower to remove the feis makeup/ hairspray, and then went and got my hair done. I just got soft curls and I loooove the way they turned out! I had no time to get makeup done so I did it myself and I'm happy with it Then Kaitlin, Rachel, and Nia came over to take pictures, and we all looked pretty darn stunning if I do say so myself 2nd picture is the 4 of us, and then 3rd one is me and Kaitlin (I love this picture so much for some reason!)

Rachel and Nia went ahead to my other friend's house where they were doing the big group pictures. Kaitlin and I stopped by the grocery store to grab some stuff for the after party, and if you ever get a chance to march around a grocery store in heels and a prom dress and fancy hair, DO IT haha. The looks you get are the greatest. Then we met up with everyone at Izzy's house and then a big group (like 25) of us all went out to dinner. My table was such a random group of people, but it was honestly such an entertaining dinner! We definitely had the fun table.

We kind of dragged out dinner because the before and after are always the fun part, and we weren't actually super excited for the actual dance haha. It started at 8, but we didn't get there until 9:15 (you had to get there by 9:30). First of all, let me just say, the junior class did an absolutely amazing job. The theme was seniors in the city, and the decorations and food and everything were just perfect. The next 4 pictures are some (mostly before people got there) that one of the teachers took (check out the oreos that they got with all the seniors' faces on them!) Doesn't everything look amazing? There were so many other great details too, from the little baskets full of gum and toothbrushes and nail clippers and stuff in the bathroom in case you forgot anything, to the "bar" serving (non-alcoholic of course haha) mixed drinks that were named after seniors, to the fact that they had gotten the napkins and table cloths printed especially to say "seniors in the city" on them. It was so great.

As for the actual dance...that wasn't quite so fantastic. To begin with, David was there, drunk already, and he gave me a long hug when I got there and complimented me but was all over other girls too. Then there was that guy, Alex, that I talked about in the last post. When we got there I could feel him looking at me (his date was nowhere to be found...). He came over to where a group of us were talking and he said hi to me and told me I looked beautiful which just made me feel ehhh, and then asked me if I had a ride to the after party, which I did, thank you very much. Then there was this random guy (who was supposed to go with one of the juniors as a blind date but she ditched him but he came anyway so he was just chillin haha) and so I was like, oh, who is he? Then Alex goes, "I'll introduce you" and he put his hands on my waist and took me over there which again made me kind of ehhh.

Then he asked me to dance and I said ok. The thing was, it wasn't just fun wooo grinding with your friend kind of dancing if you get what I mean. He was pulling me so close and he kept resting his head on my shoulder and I could just tell that I didn't like where this was going. And I kept looking over and seeing David dancing with other girls and it did hurt, because fine, I'll say it, I'm not over him. And I was getting all the attention I had ever wanted and then some but it wasn't from the right person. After a couple songs like that I gave Kaitlin the "save me" look and she pulled me off to the bathroom. When we got in there, there were like 6 or 7 of our friends in there already avoiding various people haha, so we just kind of chilled in there for a while and it was funny and fun. We went back out and I danced with Alex some more (David had left to go to the other after party by that point) but it still wasn't that fun, and Kaitlin wanted another break soon because didn't want to watch her ex with his date, so we took another break and then it was pretty much time to go.

So we went into her car, and on the way over we talked about guy problems and such. She was still upset about Felix (her ex) because since they broke up he won't even talk to her and even though she doesn't want to get back together, they are both going to the same school next year so she wants them to at least be friends. I was still freaked out about Alex, because although I had basically told him at the last dance that I would do more with him at a party and although I had definitely thought about it, the more I thought about actually doing it, the more I realized that I definitely did not want to and I didn't have a good feeling about this. But we basically decided that we were going to have fun and as long as I didn't do anything stupid with Alex, it was going to be a great night.

And it was. I successfully avoided doing anything dumb (well with him anyway...I did definitely do some things that some would classify as dumb haha. But I didn't do anything with him or any guy that I regretted in the morning so I was happy about that). The next day I was texting my friend, and she said he had said I wasn't acting like myself, which I find weird because other than randomly dancing and hooking up and the occasional awkward conversation, we don't even really talk, so how does he even know what me being myself is?

I don't know what to think about it because I really don't know if he actually did/ does like me or just wanted to get with me. He's said things that could go both ways, so I'm really not sure. He is a nice guy from what I do know, but I definitely don't like him. And I know even if it was because of him liking me, he was still pressuring me to go further than I wanted to go, so I shouldn't feel bad...except I had sort of said that I would before, so was I leading him on? I'm not sure if i would be violating TOS if I tell the whole story so I'm being kind of vague but I will say at the times when I said this or did things with him, my judgement was impaired...So I don't know honestly.

But really, aside from him, and being a little sad about the David thing, the whole night was a success All the stuff before the dance was such a great time, and the after party was crazy and super fun! And at least the dance was pretty even if it wasn't the greatest haha.