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HELP.....
By dncrmom Comments: 28, member since Thu Aug 11, 2005
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 09:09 AM

I need some advice....
My daughter loves dance, but the studio is causing her a great deal of stress!! She doesn't go full out because she's afraid of kicking or stepping on a fellow dancer, many of which stay so close to other dancers that none of them can go full out. The dance instructor gets on to her all the time, so my daughter thinks that the teacher hates her...I tell her it's because the teacher can see potential that she doesn't see in herself. When she askes the other girls to move a bit over, they get upset and tell the teacher my kid is being mean....I told her to go full out, they'll move or get kicked, but she has to do what the teacher asks of her!
Am I wrong for telling her this??
When they do a kick line, my daughter, who has an outstanding ability to kick high, leap high with what her teacher says is the best extension she's ever had in a student, seems my daughter has 180 degree leap of some sort that she's not had in another dancer....but, my kid is asked to not kick so high, so she feels like that is holding her back too.
In our area, there is no other studio within an hour drive but this one, well, one that will help her move forward not backwards even more....I just don't know what to do....
She was so upset after yesterday's recital, one of the "team" dancer tried to get her into trouble in front of the dance owner...which I corrected!! But, my baby said that if she gets into trouble...again...she will never dance again. She was in tears and still had many dances left to do....I told her the costume failure was not her fault...it happens...it was extremely minor!! But, she's ready to not dance anymore, over something silly...but all the silly things have added up....
HELP!! PLEASE!! What do?? She loves dance, for the most part, and doesn't want to stop, but......

17 Replies to HELP.....

re: HELP.....
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 09:17 AM
So, the problem is that she loves dance and doesn't want to stop. And there's a very good studio that she can learn alot from and really progress. And then there's the very bad studio where she currently is, where she's not learning anything and being bullied.

Hmm, let bullies ruin my kids favorite activity for them forever, or switch studios and take her to someplace where she can really learn and grow.

Why is this even a question? Take her to the other studio.
re: HELP.....
By dncrmom Comments: 28, member since Thu Aug 11, 2005
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 09:38 AM
Kinda....the studio where she is now is the good studio that she's already advanced a great seal, but has a couple of kids and a their dance moms that are rude/mean/bratty - mom's too or no other studio close enough to go to. There is another studio in town, but, a parent burned the bridge for her to go there....that parent and that studio owner are really good friends and that parent stuck their nose in when it wasn't their business....yes, the area we live in is a SOAP OPERA!! No pun intended!! But, most everbody feels the need to be in all others business....it's crazy!
if there was any other option....we'd be so out of here and I'd have her at a different studio in a heartbeat...but, not another option and moving isn't something we can do right now, but, I'm even considering that, just to help my daughter out...I hate that she's losing the passion because of the stupidity!!!!
re: HELP.....
By barrefly Comments: 682, member since Sun Apr 18, 2004
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 07:37 PM
Edited by barrefly (90848) on 2011-06-13 19:40:00
It would help if we had more information. How old is your daughter? What type of dance studio is it? Where are you located? What type of dancer does she want to be? (A SYTYCD dancer?)

There may be plenty of studios in your area, but perhaps you haven't discovered them.

P.S. Flexibility and high jumps are great, but it doesn't always guarantee that your daughter has potential.

My daughter is almost 18, and has trained at many studios, in many dance forms. She has already tried out for SYTYCD as a noncompeting partner, and the judges loved her. Nigel had her promise to come back when she is old enough. She is currently in Miami (we live in L.A.) training with a young man that is near her age, and was a noncompeting partner on this seasons SYTYCD audition clips, and was also asked by Nigel to come back next season. (Kinda cool that my daughter and he, being from the opposite corners of the country, ended up hooking up.) She also received a full scholarship from the studio.

Sometimes you might have to travel, to get the best training. LOL
Feel free to P.M. me.
re: HELP.....
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 08:09 PM
^True. At one point, I was driving five hours one way to practice. The instructor was the best there was, and if I wanted to be the best, I had to train with the best.
re: HELP.....
By dncrmom Comments: 28, member since Thu Aug 11, 2005
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 08:12 PM
Hi barrefly,
My baby is 16...she'll be 17 in July and hs danced since she was 5. We live in the middle of nowhwere Mo., the studio has everything but tap and she just wants to dance...be it on something like SYTYCD, Broadway, a ballet troupe, just wants to dance. She knows there is always going to be drama, no matter where she goes of what she does...dance, teach, work at McD's...drama is everywhere, but, I hate seeing her so upset.
I have had a couple really good talks with the studio owner, including tonight, but she's pregnant and I do not want to cause her any more stress....she's had some problems with miscarriages in the past...but, I think she means really well. She does ride my daughters butt, sometimes really hard. What I've told Ashlee is that I think it's because she see's something in Ashlee that even Ashlee doesn't see in herself....Ashlee thinks I'm just saying that because I'm her mom and I'm supposed too....
this is where I get a bit confused on what to do....at times, it seems like everything is gonna be ok, then at other times, we just want to pull our hair out, and unfortunately, Ashlee & I get into yelling matches with each other due to the stress. I try to tell her to just ignore all the stupidity and back-biting, that she's there to dance so dance and ignore all but the instructors, but not so sure if that's the right thing either.......
I'd just hate to see her stop dancing because of all this.... I know, I'm mom, but I love watching her dance, esp when she's having fun...when she's really enjoying herself and into her dancing, she's has this smile that just won't quite....
But then another student is rude to her or some of the younger girls and it sends her into a bad mood....
re: HELP.....
By barrefly Comments: 682, member since Sun Apr 18, 2004
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 08:22 PM
Whoa,...didn't see that coming. LOL I was thinking she was around 9.

P.M. me and I will give you my email and we can chat.
Here's a clip of my daughter last summer. She took
3rd to world champion salsa dancer Liz Lira.
(Missy dances everything)
www.youtube.com . . .
re: HELP.....
By dncrmom Comments: 28, member since Thu Aug 11, 2005
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 08:27 PM
WOW!!!!!!! She is OUTSTANDING!!!!!

Ashlee is more into ballet/en pointe, jazz, modern, and hip hop...took High Silver/Silver at 2 different dance competitions for her solo in Feb/March, I'm proud of her for getting up on that stage and doing this, just for getting up there and dancing is such a cool things for our kids to do!!!

WOW...your baby is beautiful!!
re: HELP.....
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 08:33 PM
Edited by kandykane (157761) on 2011-06-13 20:44:42
My daughter left a team that had lots of drama and the sponsor was holding her back. She left another studio because she had outgrown them. That meant we traveled for dance. For several years we traveled about a half hour. A couple of years we traveled over an hour one way, three times a week. Guess what? It was totally WORTH every mile I drove her and all the extra hassle of traveling.

You and she have to decide if you want a good experience out of dance or if she just wants to 'stalemate' where she is. It was an easy call for me. I hated to see her leave the team because that meant she had no hometown support. What I didn't realize at the time was that she already had no hometown support. She was a 3 time All American who was ignored by her peers for her achievements.

Go somewhere else. You'll be glad you did.

PS: This is from a mom who watched her daughter go from a silver/gold level soloist to platinum with her new studio.

kk~

Comment #9603455 deleted
Removed by oz_helen (35388) on 2011-06-14 04:27:24 Double post

re: HELP.....
By barrefly Comments: 682, member since Sun Apr 18, 2004
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 09:09 PM
Why the double posts? (?)

She did the jazz and ballet comps when she was younger, but
the politics got too much for me, and I set up my own dance
program for her that began to include partnered dances.
(W.C. Swing, salsa, ballroom/latin, hustle, argentine tango.)
She's going to need at least 6 months of intensive jazz/contemporary/modern, and hiphop training if she expects to make it on SYTYCD next season.
re: HELP.....
By dncrmom Comments: 28, member since Thu Aug 11, 2005
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 09:13 PM
I'm willing to do what it takes for her Sr year to be a great one....I think she's ready too...our problem is, we are soooo ready to move out of the middle of no where...I'm thinking North Florida, I lived there for 4 yrs when I was in the Navy, I loved it there...
The closest city that would have good studios is almost 2 hours 1 way...but.......
Thank you.......
re: HELP.....
By barrefly Comments: 682, member since Sun Apr 18, 2004
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 09:22 PM
My daughter is in Miami now (we live in L.A....lots of studios. LOL) training with her
new partner on full scholarship. He was the Colombian kid that was aired on SYTYCD 8-1 as a non-competing partner. (Too young) Alas, his competing partner did not make it.
re: HELP..... (karma: 1)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 09:54 PM
I'm willing to do what it takes for her Sr year to be a great one....


But you're not, because otherwise you wouldn't be coming up with all these crap justifications for why she needs to put up with being bullied. She doesn't need to stay put. If you're thinking of moving to Florida anyway, search for the best studio in Florida you can find, and move to there.

You keep saying that there's no other options, and she's got to dance at this place. Truth of the matter is she won't make it here. She's going to get run right out the door, and all the bullies will high five each other and pick a new target, and she'll never dance another step. If there's no other options besides this place, how come our country is litered with dance studios? Without googling it, I can name 7 studios within 15 minutes of my house There's always options, as long as you're open to them.
re: HELP.....
By barrefly Comments: 682, member since Sun Apr 18, 2004
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:10 PM
Edited by barrefly (90848) on 2011-06-13 22:11:24
Edited by barrefly (90848) on 2011-06-13 22:12:04
Theresa, reading your post brought a big smile to my face. (actually I ROFL)

Try to get a good spot at "The Edge, Millinnium, Debbie Reynolds" It's an art in it's self. (Or should I say skill.)
That's how it works at dance auditions as well. If you can't stand out, you're done.
re: HELP.....
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6817, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:59 PM
A few notes:

dncrmom wrote:

I need some advice....
My daughter loves dance, but the studio is causing her a great deal of stress!!


T is 100% right about this. Stress is unnecessary and unhealthy in this situation. You need to think about your options in a different way. No one should have to "put up" with a situation that causes her to avoid something she loves.

She doesn't go full out because she's afraid of kicking or stepping on a fellow dancer, many of which stay so close to other dancers that none of them can go full out.


There are two related issues here. One very important skill a dancer has to learn is "dancing in one's own space". Your daughter may need to fine tune her movement to adjust "up" instead of "out" for certain combinations, (which may be really important in a cattle call type of audition where there are over a hundred dancers on stage at the same time), and the other dancers should be taught this as well, as a constant reality, in their training. This is the teacher's responsibility.

As such, there are also times, in a large group, where the teacher may need to divide the class into two, three, or even four groups, and let each group do it taking the space they need, alternating group 1, 2, 3, or 4, etc. Again, this is the job of a good teacher.

The dance instructor gets on to her all the time, so my daughter thinks that the teacher hates her...I tell her it's because the teacher can see potential that she doesn't see in herself.


Is it possible that the teacher is actually giving her "the gift of correction?". Sometimes when I have an especially talented dancer, I fine tune their technique in a way that would be lost on the less accomplished students. It may seem like I am correcting the better dancer more, but actually, I am giving them more advanced instruction that would be "pearls before swine" to some of the others.


When she askes the other girls to move a bit over, they get upset and tell the teacher my kid is being mean....I told her to go full out, they'll move or get kicked, but she has to do what the teacher asks of her! Am I wrong for telling her this??


Do they have mirrors in the studio? There is no reason to have to ask another dancer to move if everyone is dancing in their own space. If she watches in the mirror, she can gauge her space and avoid the other dancers. If the room is that overcrowded, something is wrong. Are you wrong? Well...I think so. I don't see any good that can come from kicking another dancer. There must be another solution.(see above)

When they do a kick line, my daughter, who has an outstanding ability to kick high, leap high with what her teacher says is the best extension she's ever had in a student, seems my daughter has 180 degree leap of some sort that she's not had in another dancer....but, my kid is asked to not kick so high, so she feels like that is holding her back too.


There might be another very good reason for this, other than deliberately holding your daughter back (which I can't understand). I was often told to not kick so high. In fact, about 5 years ago, there was a photographer from the local newspaper doing a shoot with a group of adult tappers, and the director pulled me aside and asked me to not kick so high. In a kick line, precision is everything. If everyone has their foot at the same height, it looks great. If everyone is trying to kick their personal highest, without regard for the line, it is a hot mess. This may be about the line, more than about your daughter.

In our area, there is no other studio within an hour drive but this one, well, one that will help her move forward not backwards even more....I just don't know what to do....
She was so upset after yesterday's recital, one of the "team" dancer tried to get her into trouble in front of the dance owner...which I corrected!! But, my baby said that if she gets into trouble...again...she will never dance again. She was in tears and still had many dances left to do....I told her the costume failure was not her fault...it happens...it was extremely minor!! But, she's ready to not dance anymore, over something silly...but all the silly things have added up....
HELP!! PLEASE!! What do?? She loves dance, for the most part, and doesn't want to stop, but......


This is hard to do, as a mother, and as a dancer, but this is stupid kid stuff, "getting someone in trouble", and is going to hold your daughter back in her pursuit of a future in dance. Now, more than ever, a dancer needs to have focus at an early age. It is a youth oriented industry that requires adult social skills. If she really has professional potential, you need to focus on helping her develop these skills, earlier than many kids need to. I know she is "your baby", but this is an industry where 16 year olds are "women", and 30 year olds are "old". Please consider this carefully if you really believe she wants a future in the industry.

Now...options. First of all, if the current studio is only offering a "marking time in place" experience for her, cut down on the experience. Only put her in two or three classes a week, and look at it as a workout, not an end all.

Then, explore the options for dance intensives, summer workshops, colleges or universities with "bridge programs" with the local high schools where she may be able to dance with the University Dance Company. Community theater also offers performance opportunities and a vast amount of mentoring. Even if there aren't any local opportunities for weekly class, a monthly sojourn may be a very good investment in her future. There are workshops and intensives all over the globe.

Please consider this option. The social stress of the village mean girls are holding your daughter captive, but only if she lets them. Broaden her horizons. New York if full of dance opportunities this summer, and every summer. It could be life changing for her and restore her love of dance and her confidence in her future.

Good luck.

Keep On Dancing*

ps I'm sorry this is so long. I'm a dance teacher and a mother, therefore, I don't accept the words, "I can't". I insist on, "I'll try." You can make this happen.
re: HELP.....
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Tue Jun 14, 2011 08:17 AM
barrefly wrote:

Theresa, reading your post brought a big smile to my face. (actually I ROFL)

Try to get a good spot at "The Edge, Millinnium, Debbie Reynolds" It's an art in it's self. (Or should I say skill.)
That's how it works at dance auditions as well. If you can't stand out, you're done.


Ok, well right now we can't get the lady to stand up for her kid, do you honestly think we're going to get her to take her kid out to Millenium? Right now we're dealing with Dolly Dinkle here. The worst studio in my area that I can think of would still be a better option than this place she's got her daughter.
re: HELP.....
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Tue Jun 14, 2011 08:27 AM
Top is right, there are many opportunities for dance beyond what she is doing now. We went outside for better dance opportunities. At first we supplemented her local programs and then she left the local programs altogether.

And T is right, too. Ya gotta stand up for your kid. You also need to get a handle on the yelling matches. That's not helping anybody. She wants your help. She's just not communicating it that well. The frustration likely comes from the two of you saying there is no other choice. Find another choice. Even if it's 'hard' to commute or move, it can't be any harder than what's happening now.

kk~

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