I’m such an idiot; don’t I know by now that nothing good comes from snooping?

First off, let me preface this by saying that I have two sisters- one older, one younger. My older sister and I have not gotten along since we were small, and in the past she has said a lot of hurtful things to me both to my face and behind my back (including one time about three years ago when she and her husband sat around talking crap about me to my father, eventually making him so angry that he got up and left and to this day dislikes my sister’s husband). But I always thought that my younger sister and I got along okay and although we aren’t close I was probably going to ask her to be in my wedding.

My younger sister left her laptop open to her FB messages and I glanced at it. She was talking about me to my older sister and said some incredibly hurtful things. Such as: calling me spoiled (because my mother wanted to buy my wedding dress and offered to help pay for the wedding), making fun of my choice of wedding colours (“typical, she chose pink, what a f’n princess”- yes, I like pink, is it a crime to want pink flowers at my wedding?), talking about how I’m such a loser and don’t have any friends (younger sister: “I figure she’ll ask me, I mean who else would she ask? She’d probably have to pay someone to do it”), talking about how they can’t figure out why my fiancé loves me (“he probably has really low self esteem”), making fun of my wedding website (where, yes, I jokingly called myself a princess in my description- but come on, I also described myself as an avid colourer and my fiancé is described as a cargo shorts enthusiast whose hobbies include watching YouTube videos of puppies and kitties). My older sister also called me a narcissist and asked if I had gotten rid of my Peter Pan syndrome yet, and my younger sister replied no, I’d just found someone to indulge it (Fiancé and I played Frisbee on the beach and board games in the evenings and stopped by the playground in town one evening to play on the swings). There were also lots of comments about what a beyotch I was and how I’d be a horrible Bridezilla and would probably beat my sister over the head with a bouquet at some point during the wedding. Those are just the things that stuck out to me- I’m sure they have also said more. I was so upset that I went into my bedroom, shut the door and started crying.

I admit I’ve been really stressed this week- I have just moved from the UK to Canada and am in the middle of getting car, insurance, employment, and an apartment, on top of getting the wheels rolling with planning a wedding, but I am so incredibly hurt by what they have said about me. To me this goes way beyond normal sisterly trash talk- am I right?
Anyway, the advice bit- I had previously been planning to cautiously invite my older sister to my wedding. Now, I really don’t want anything to do with her. However, my mother will be paying for a significant portion of my wedding and I know she wants to invite my sister (she’s convinced that I am just being stubborn and my older sister really wants to be a part of my life). Do I share what I found out? Do I tell her that my older sister can come, but I don’t want her to speak to me? And what about my younger sister? Obviously I won’t say anything to let on I read the messages, and I don’t want her in my wedding after seeing those things she said about me, but I don’t know what to do.
I almost don’t want my older sister there at all. I want my wedding to be a fun day where I am surrounded by people who care about me, not a day where I am paranoid, wondering what horrible and catty things my sisters will be saying to each other about me, my fiancé, and my wedding behind my back. If both of them were not family, there is no question I wouldn’t invite them. So do I overlook the things they said about me? Or should I suck it up, since they’re family?

And I know snooping is horrible, and I am sorry that I did it....but in a way I am glad, so I know how they really feel about me. Even though it is so hurtful.

Ugh, just reading this makes me annoyed with your sisters! Yes, you were snooping, but comments like those sound like their griping about a coworker, not their own sister!

It's your wedding and your choice, and I understand not wanting one or both of your sisters there on your special day. BUT, it might just be worth it to invite them. Because if not, this has the potential to be one of those things that causes a permanent fissure in your relationship. And no matter what they'd always have "You didn't invite me to your wedding" to hold over your head.

There's perfectly legitimate reasons either way you decide to go. Has your Fiance given any input?

^I wish he was here, so I could have someone to talk to. Unfortunately he's gone to visit his grandmother for the weekend and won't be back until Sunday. I can't even text him, since we only have one phone between us and he took it with him. So DDN will have to be my surrogate advice/support until he gets back.

Out of respect for your mother, I'd invite them, but merely as guests with no special role in the wedding. Obviously snooping isn't great, but if she really left her facebook open to the page where these messages displayed, it's not that outrageous that you read what was left in front of you. I'd probably call your sisters out on it. If your mother tries to push for either sister to be a bridesmaid, I'd have no qualms about letting her know what they wrote about you. It's very sad that they are this way. You can have friends, or your fiance's sisters, if he has some, as bridesmaids. I've been to weddings where parents of the couple served as best man or matron of honor, so that's an option too. I'm sorry you made such an hurtful discovery about your sisters.

I wish I could give you a big hug and a cookie! I feel like my heart just got ripped out of my chest...how awful. I can't imagine reading something that terrible that my brothers wrote about me. I just don't even have the words to tell you how sad this is, and what a wonderful, beautiful person they are missing out on!!

While you could ban them from the wedding, I don't think that is the best idea since they are your sisters. Anyone else I'd probably say it was your day and they can go to H-E double hockey sticks. Sisters are a different story especially when your mom is paying for the wedding. She'll want everyone there, family photos...the whole shabang. You don't have to do ANYTHING else but invite them. You don't have to talk them, you don't have to have them in your bridal party, you don't have to dance with them, and you don't have to even take pictures with them alone. If you have a wedding coordinator tell her to be in charge of keeping them away from you, or whoever your maid of honor is going to be. They CANNOT make you feel sad, insecure, upset etc. You have control over all of that. Basically you can't control their actions, but you can control your reactions. Make a decision to ignore them, their behavior, and their snarky ass comments. Try to focus on the reason for your marriage. Your relationship with your fiance sounds GREAT! Frisbee and board games are right up my alley!

I would share what you learned with your mother. I wouldn't share what you found until your younger sister asks you why you aren't talking to her or she suspects there is something wrong. I don't even think you need to go into detail how you found out about it. Leave it up to her to wonder if your other sister told you...and leave it a little foggy so she has to squirm a little. If your family is like mine, my mother would tell my siblings so that would be a passive way of letting them know. Clearly your sisters are jealous of you or the things you have gotten for whatever reason. That isn't your problem nor can you fix that. This has nothing to do with you, and it lies all in their crazy heads unfortunately!!

If you want...I can come to the wedding and "accidentally" spill wine all over your sisters. I am very clumsy.

Agree with inviting them, but don't give them a special role.

Hang in. Isn't wedding planning just ducky?

First I am sorry-yes its well beyond normal sister snarking. frankly I would invite them as one of many guests=no 'honoring' role. I would share with your mother why you have made that decision and ask her to keep it confidentail and act as a buffer between you.

That's awful

I will admit that I'm not a huge fan of mean family members (to the point that one of my grandmothers, and various aunts and uncles won't be invited to my wedding), but they are your sisters and it sounds like it would upset your mom if they weren't invited. As others have said, you don't have to give them a special role in the wedding.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all come to your wedding and cheer you on? And... if Renae is going to come and spill wine, I'm sure your MOH could give the rest of us 'jobs' to do. {shifty eyes}

When it comes to things like this that are so blatantly awful I get confrontational. If I were you I would write them both an e-mail (the same one sent to both addresses) letting them know that you know the awful things they've been saying about you. That you're hurt. That you think this is really unfair and mean, and that you're going to let them decide if they feel like they should come to your wedding after saying such things. I mean it's obvious if they dislike you that much that they really don't wanna be there, so why not make them squirm and look at their actions? I wouldn't be mean or act too upset about it, just be like Hey I know what you did, I don't approve, and now I want you to decide if you should rightfully be there and if you can truthfully support me on such an important day. And thennn see what they say. Haha I think it would be really interesting to see their response.

I understand probably no one else would do this, but that's what I would do.

I'm sending these to you because when my nasty sisters hurt me like this, I eat about 50 cookies, then hate myself as much as I hate them at that moment.

I'm so sorry your sisters are acting like jealous children. Which is what this is all about. You would think they could find it somewhere in their icy hearts to be happy for you, but it seems they have never moved through the stage of resolving sibling rivalry. I've often said, where family is concerned, give me a good funeral anytime...weddings seem to bring out the ugly in them.

I suspect this is not a new phenomenon. Even Walt Disney knew...


One of the saddest moments in the movie was when they trashed Cinderella's dress and beads the mice had made for her. You sisters would act like this if they could.

I agree that the best thing to do, for the sake of your mother, and future peace, is to ask a future sister in law or a cousin or close friend to be your MOH and let your sisters be among the guests you'd rather not invite, but must. Seat them next to the DJ or band so it is too loud for them to talk to each other or anyone else. Don't let them ruin your day. If they are not included in the wedding party they can't spoil any of the other festivities either.

As far as snooping...if I'd written something hateful about someone in my own home, you can bet I'd have the smarts to delete it before anyone saw it. David Sedaris once said, "People who read other peoples' diaries deserve what they get." I don't think you deserved to have snakes for sisters, but let this be a lesson... On the other hand, as hurtful as it is, at least now you know.

Years ago, one of my sisters, who we all know is spiteful and just plain nuts, spewed a load of her venom and accuses me of something outrageous. She swore my baby sister was the source. I didn't believe her, but I was so outraged, I asked my little sister. Guess what? She admitted it. I have to say, I've never felt the same about her. I don't trust her anymore, and I never count on her to be a good person. It hurt, but in the end, I'm better off knowing than to continue to put my trust in someone untrustworthy.

Again, I am so so sorry this happened to you.

If you mother pushes the issue, tell her confidentially, what was said and why you feel hurt and unable to include your sister in your intimate circle. You may not even have to go into details. Just say, "Glinda and Sabrina agree that I am a selfish narcissist bridezilla and have put several other hurtful statements in print. I think it will cause less hard feelings if we just let them keep to each other and don't make things more tense by going into details." You know your mother will question them, and because they don't know if the other one forwarded this epistle to others, they will know they are caught. Since your father has already experienced the vicious backstabbing nature of your older sister, you may wish to confide the truth to him. Beyond that...let it go.

I don't know if you'd planned on taking your husband's last name when you marry, but if you do...you won't have to even share a name with them anymore.
Hugs to you
xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

My family has done all this and more since day one of my fiance and I's wedding planning. I finally got so sick of hearing them complain about everything (The wedding is on a Monday, the wedding is at Disney World which is 2 hours away for them, blah blah blah) that I told them straight up "You know what? If you don't like the way WE are doing things, please don't come. We have plenty of people who are THRILLED for us who would LOVE to come." Since then? Haven't heard nearly as much complaining.

So do I overlook the things they said about me? Or should I suck it up, since they’re family?

NO. I don't take stink from my family, no one should, why should you? I'm of the belief DNA doesn't always make a family. I have friends who are closer to me than my family. Just sayin'

(Fiancé and I played Frisbee on the beach and board games in the evenings and stopped by the playground in town one evening to play on the swings).

I guess I have Peter Pan syndrome too. My fiance sprayed me with the hose the other day and what'd I do? Went and grabbed the other one and sprayed him back.

There were also lots of comments about what a beyotch I was and how I’d be a horrible Bridezilla and would probably beat my sister over the head with a bouquet at some point during the wedding

I would start clapping if you did because you told us what they did. While 2 wrongs don't make a right, there are some people who just need to be slapped.

Yikes, those comments were beyond harsh, and I'm SO sorry you saw them. I can't imagine talking like that about anyone I remotely cared about.

There are a couple of family members on both my side and Mark's side that aren't exactly our favorite people, but most of them are invited to our wedding. I feel that not inviting a family member to your wedding sends a very loud message that you'd rather they not be a part of your life, or, at the very least, that you don't really care whether your relationship with them continues. In at least one case, we did choose to go ahead and send that message, but in most cases, it just wasn't worth going that far. So I guess that's what I would take into consideration when making this decision. And if the choice you make is not to invite them, I do think you should explain to your mom that you have recently become aware of the fact that your sisters say things about you behind your back that most people would only say about someone they hated.

Wow, what a couple of bitter and twisted witches with a capital B.

Don't sink to their level by not inviting them, that would be childish and would probably upset your mum. I totally agree with sharing this with her though.

Perhaps when you invite them add a dress code to their invites that they have to wear Barbie Pink and carry Frisbees to gain entry

^Oooh, ooh, building on that you could tell them that it is a costume wedding and maybe they will show up in costume and NO ONE ELSE WILL. (like Bridget Jones' Diary).

I really think you should take your time about this decision. You don't have to make up your mind today or even next month on this. Wait it out.

Also, don't talk to them about your wedding AT ALL. When things like this happen, I really believe that if you think about it carefully over time, the answer usually comes to you.

I cannot believe what your sisters said! I probably would fess up to the snooping just to show them that you aren't going to take their crap however if you aren't comfortable with that I would tell your mother about it at least so she understands. I really think they are jealous of you and your wedding.

I would invite them to the wedding but I would not put them in your wedding party period! I wouldn't tell them a single detail of the wedding. I would treat them both like a distant relative.

What does your mom think of your relationship with your sisters?

I definitely say give it some time to think and also definitely talk to both of them, so not cool!

I'm over the whole "they're family, you have to love them" stigma. My step-sister and I were insanely close for awhile and then she turned mega-crazy on me and my mom and booted us out of her life after making us go through major drama. I'm over it and I don't wanna associate myself with someone who doesn't like me for no reason, no matter if I am related to them or not. So my vote would be to tell them, "well, it sounds like you don't want to be at my wedding so I guess you'll be missing out" but I think you really need to think on this before you make any decisions. Do you want them there? If so, then you need to sit down and have a looooooong talk with both of them - probably separately.

And I am soooooo sorry, girl. I know that couldn't have been fun to read. It sucks when people in your family do crappy and mean things. Been there, done that. I was hurt over my step-sister's words and actions for awhile....still kinda am hurt to be honest.

I'd personally invite them but park them together at the table closest to the toilets (and make sure that the table is RIGHT next to the toilet doors - whoops!)...

Those witches! I sort of know how you feel, sort of. I don't think my sister was quite as hurtful, but she was the freaking ho my boyfriend cheated on me with when I was in high school. That was six years ago, and I'm still mad over it when I see her sometimes, which isn't very often. I would definitely tell them you saw the messages. I found out by reading my sister's text messages. Wrong? yes. But what would you do if you saw your boyfriends number pop up on your sister's phone when you didn't even know they hardly knew each other? I think your situation is similar. You didn't just snoop for the heck of it. It caught your attention, and who wouldn't keep reading that? So tell them, and enjoy every second of the horrified looks on their faces. I did. And most certainly tell your mother. It may not be so important to her that they be there anymore. But if it is still, I'm with whoever said stick them by the toilet! And don't even talk to them. But if their presence is going to cause YOU any grief on YOUR special day, then forget those not-allowed-to-say-that-word-on-DDN.

Print it off and put it on an overhead projector during cocktail hour for all to read.

^I love this suggestion. d4j had an excellent one too. I'd make a special invitation for them announcing the "theme".



"Please join us as we cross the threshold of our new lives" I think I'd suggest they dress as Hillbillies...blackened teeth and all. Then the other guests will know just how really classy they both are.

I'll write more later...kind of busy at the moment.

I just wanted to let you know we're all still sending hugs and kind thoughts your way.

Keep On Dancing*

Sisters. Oh, le sigh. They can be your best friends or your worst enemies, sometimes both.

The only reason I have anything to do with my younger sister is because of my mother. She is incredibly selfish and has said and done terrible things to our family. We have a big family, so her targets vary, but my daughter seems to get in her crossfire often. At the moment, I am not speaking to her.

You don't say how soon or how big your wedding is. If plans have not been finalized, maybe plan something that would exclude some people, a smaller destination wedding, maybe. It seems you had already had doubts about inviting the one sister, plus the distance is now a factor. Also, it seems you have different standards for your sisters, but in this case I think you need to treat them the same. They are both guilty.

When the time comes, we plan on my daughter's wedding being a small affair so we don't have to invite the entire extended family.

I hope you come to a decision that makes your wedding day a happy day for you.

kk~

You guys are awesome- I got tears in my eyes just reading the amazing supportive messages! It's going to be a small wedding, about 50-60 people, near where I live but a twelve-hour drive from one sister and on the opposite coast from the other sister, so they could have an excuse to bow out if they wanted.

There were some amazing suggestions on things to do back too- I just might include something like "Please follow our Barbie themed wedding in your clothing choice" on the invitation, just to see what they'd do, haha! I've already asked my best friend to be MOH and she is awesome and supportive, so at least I have her in my corner. She was up this weekend and we went dress shopping with my mother, and at one point MOH asked me if I'd decided if my younger sister would be in my wedding yet. I told her I'd definitely decided against it, but I was considering asking my fiance's sister. My mom asked me why wouldn't I ask my own sister before my fiance's sister and I said something like how I was just thinking about options- I am pretty sure if I told her she would not believe it. If she asks me about it again though I think I might say that it has come to my attention that my sister has been less than supportive...we will see.

Thank you all so much, though. I really needed a virtual hug. If anyone has anything else to add, feel free.

If your mom insists, tell her you want your sisters to wear this dress.^


If the wedding is in the winter or late fall, perhaps this one ^.

What could be more appropriate for two catty sisters than Hello Kitty?

If you can print out the vicious stuff your sisters wrote, do so and just leave it laying around someplace so your mom can discover it. My mother never believes the things my sisters do, and trying to explain why I'm so hurt and don't want to get involved just makes her angry with me...which of course, they love. If she reads it herself, without feeling the need to defend them, that is about the best you can hope for.

Keep On Dancing*