Tim's just emailed me saying his friend is badgering him about setting up a wedding list. Tim therefore thinks we should set up a wedding list asap.

I had had absolutely no intention of having one to be honest. Several reasons:

- Most people aren't invited to the wedding and I think it's a bit rude to expect presents from people who aren't even celebrating with you. We are having a reception when we get back but it's not the same.
- We live with two other people - I don't want to be given a load of housewares which will then be used by the entire household, especially as the other two cannot wash up. I would want to keep things nice, you know? It's also not my house so I can't/wouldn't want to make any decor alterations.
- The idea is to sell the current house and go our separate ways asap next year. So Tim and I will then have our own house, but I don't know what we're going to want/need to furnish and fill it since we don't have it yet.
- Following on, there is also absolutely nowhere to store any items that are bought 'for the future'. I haven't got room for the stuff I already own! Seriously, as time goes on and we all acquire more things, the front room is just a dumping ground. Golf clubs, cricket bats...the only functional thing in there is the beer fridge. No loft space, no space under the bed, nothing.
- I have no idea what we'd even put on this list. Like I said, I don't know what we'll need for the new house and we don't need anything at the moment. We have plates and spoons enough between us. I also don't know when this move will actually materialise.

So I'm not keen on the idea of having a list. I didn't even think people would think/want to buy us anything!

Obviously I've replied to Tim outlining the above and await his response (I asked what he would put on a list if we had one), but I wanted other opinion/experiences too. Naturally neither of us have btdt.

He doesn't want to ask people for cash because some people don't like doing that, which is fine. But if people are insistent on giving us something, what do we do? I genuinely cannot think of anything for the house that we need, and it's impractical for the reasons above. The Bellagio does gift cards which would be nice but is this too close to asking for cash? We've booked our honeymoon independently and paid for it already so we can't ask for contributions through the travel agents as is becoming popular here and which someone has suggested to us previously.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because honestly I would prefer that people spent their money on themselves, but he reckons some people won't take no thank you for an answer. I just genuinely didn't think that people would want to give us anything!

I realise it's highly unlikely that anyone else has such a weird living situation before/after they got married but...any insight? At all?

We made a wedding registry even though family only are invited to the wedding. Half his family is in England and they mentioned sending us gifts. We already have a lot, but we registered for a lot of little things. We're not expecting anything, but we made a registry for people who want to send us something. People generally want to buy you something, so why not make a small list?

You seem to have a few options.

Don't bother with a list. Consequences: lots of people asking, some actually respecting your wishes and not buying anything, or not respecting your wishes and buying you something you don't want or need, and possibly already have, or will receive multiple of.

Make a list. Consequences: More stuff you don't need, a few miffed people buying you a gift they'd rather not because of etiquette, and some people just glad you've taken the stress away from them having to think about what to get.

Maybe you could tell anyone who asks that while you know you need items for your married life, you're unsure what right now until you're in a position to move out, so could they possibly hold off for a while, and point out that you realise that it's not traditional, but then, what is these days, and also it would be a massive hinderance and you'd have nowhere to store it. Problems with this method is that they're probably still going to buy you something because they don't want you to turn up in 10 months or 2 years time or however long it takes and say "right, I want a present now!" But essentially that's what a wedding date is doing too. Hmmm, maybe that option isn't so great, makes it sound greedy.

Maybe you should just look up things that are selling well on ebay, and ask for those as wedding gifts...

Or you could point out to people who gave you a gift that it was rude of them to disrespect your wishes so you are going to be equally rude and go against all etiquette by returning the gift because, as you said, you have nowhere to store it. Or ask them to store it until you move out?

In my experience, people are now usually giving cash or gift cards at the wedding, they give gifts at the shower. One big reason, guests usually travel to and from the wedding and hauling along a gift is a pain. A card with some cash, a check or a gift card inside is much easier. A plus, the couple gets some cash to use on the honeymoon. Quite a few couples already live together before getting married and so the whole 'setting up house' thing is not really needed.

Maybe don't plan a shower. That would cut down on gifts here. Like you said, you should never ask for 'no gifts', or ask for gift cards, that hints at you wanting money for gifts which is always considered rude. But most people are savvy enough that you don't really need to ask. A couple who did not register a list would be a great big clue to me that my job is easy and I would give cash or a card. You will still get some things from people who think you only give presents but those people are becoming fewer these days.

Look around your house with a sharp eye and think of a few things that you really do need, just in case someone asks. Maybe you have a broken toaster or something on it's last legs or you could use towels (or maybe shelves, from the sounds of your storage situation!). I've had my household for many years but there are always things that need replacing or upgrading.

kk~

I would let anyone who's bustin' to buy you a present get a gift card for you. Specify what stores you would like to shop in, that way they have some choice.

Wedding showers I believe are an American thing. They seem fairly pointless gift-grabbing exercises to me, and they don't happen in the UK, so she doesn't have to worry about that!

Like the idea of dropping hints as to which stores she likes to shop in.

Maybe you could do that, and if they still decide to buy you stuff rather than give you a gift card, you could return it without a receipt for a credit note. You may need to buy something to return it if the credit note is likely to run out until you actually have a home of your own, so this seems possibly a very time and energy wasting exercise, but another option. Or you could let insistent people know that you will be forced to do this because of your lack of storage space and do they really want to subject you to all that stress over polite niceties that turn out to be neither polite nor very nice.

If they insist on a "registry", pick out a lovely sterling silver pattern, chest, accessories, etc., and suggest they all chip in on a place knife. I believe the last time I checked, the knife to my set, which my great grandfather started the day I was born, cost $200.00. I remember receiving teaspoons for First Communion, Confirmation, etc. My parents finally completed my set for my 25th Wedding Anniversary.

It is a traditional, as well as heirloom item, and if you want to sell it when you buy your house, the price of precious metals is so high right now, I'm sure you will recover every penny. Also, you can stash it in your lingerie drawer or in a safety deposit box at the bank. It doesn't take up much room.

Here is a link to my pattern, which I know is antique and hardly in fashion these days. However, I do remember spending $5.00 for a spoon when I was really, really, young.
www.replacements.com . . .


If all the relatives went in together, and worked a deal with a jeweler, it might be the answer to your problem

Best wishes.

Keep On Dancing*

Select a charity for your registry.

My fiance and I would prefer "no gifts," but we've been warned that some members of the family will try to give gifts anyway. And we've also been warned that some of these people will insist on giving something to us, so unfortunately we are going to have to make a conventional registry. But we will definitely have a charity (or two) as options as well. If your family/ friends are not as adamant about gift-giving as ours are, you may be able to get away with listing only a charity on your registry.

^I am going to make a shameless plug for The Make A Wish Foundation. I know some of you think it is overdone, but it brings so much joy to sick children and their families, it really can and does change lives. A "sick child" becomes a "wish child". A creation of hope and joy.

There are several "Wish Partners" like "Things Remembered", who produce specialty items like snow globes, jewelery, and Christmas ornaments with the Make A Wish logo on them and donate a portion of the proceeds to MAW.

Often, when a neighbor, or distant relative, or someone who does not expect a gift from us marries, or graduates, or celebrates some other "giftable" occasion, I send an ornament or whatever. In the case of funerals, a donation to Make A Wish is a lovely way to celebrate a life instead of mourn a death.

If you go with the donation idea, please consider Make A Wish.

Share The Power Of A Wish! (please )

Keep On Dancing*

What a tricky situation. I think that especially for the older generations, they'll feel so awkward not giving you a gift (even if they don't come to the wedding, you'll get it at the reception) that they'll bring something. I think even I would feel awkward turning up at a wedding reception without bringing at least a bottle of champagne for the couple.

It's difficult to ask for money for yourself - could you get yours/Tim's parents to circulate the message that you don't need gifts but giftcards might be appreciated? I don't know how you go about doing that in a non-tacky-sounding way though!

Where are you going on your honeymoon? My friends who got married a couple of months ago went on their honeymoon to California and they did a "honeymoon gifts" list instead of actual gifts - they set up a website and you could choose which honeymoon experience you wanted to give them. So for example, there was an afternoon of wine-tasting, an option to buy them a picnic hamper for one day when they went to one of the national parks and so on... so it's not paying for your honeymoon, but giving you experiences while you're there. Each "experience" was broken down into smaller $10-$50 chunks, so you didn't have to pay $100 right off - you could contribute your $20 and be done with it.

Otherwise, I think the charity is a great idea - but I think people are still going to bring you stuff, no matter how much you tell them not to!

Hang on a second... Do people actually bring the gifts to the wedding?!?! I have never heard of that. What a strange concept. The wedding is just for getting dressed up and celebrating. Here, the gifts are brought to the house in the week or fortnight before the wedding. There's usually a bit of a ceili going on, a few different guests around, plenty of food and drink and lots of tea.

At the weddings I've been to, people bring the gift to the reception and there's usually a gifts table set up. I guess some people might drop the gift round before the wedding or have it delivered directly to the couple.

I second the charity idea. I hate getting things from people that I don't need, and 99% of wedding gifts are unnecessary. I'd try to fashion a politically correct way to ask for either a donation to charity or cash, if they absolutely MUST contribute something.