My friend forwarded this youtube video to me, and I am wondering what you guys all think of this. I am not asking so much about the actual video ( annoying girl and maybe a bit rude) but more about the context.

www.youtube.com . . .

Is it ever ok to ask someone flat out if they are either gay? Or vice versa, if they are straight? When is it ok to ask someone about their sexual orientation, or is that something that should never be asked?

If yes, why is it ok to ask the person. If not, why would it be considered a bad thing to ask.

I don't really think its good manners to ask someone about their sexuality, kind of for the same reason I think its bad form to ask someone how much money they make. Its not really anyone else's business. If you need to know, the person will tell you. If not - I kind of question why you'd want to know anyway?

I'd never ask anyone what sexuality they were, unless we were friends and they brought it up. Otherwise, I think it just make you look like a nosey ass. If I am not lining up to jump someone's bones, their sexuality is more or less entirely irrelevant to me, so why probe?

ZOMG, he's into theatre, giggle giggle giggle, is he gay?

Just ask him out, he can say no, giggle giggle giggle.

I want to smack her in the mouth she is such a pratt!

She is such a rude skinny biotch and I'm not gay!

Ok, with my personality and my situation I would say
ZOMG, I am sooooo not gay, I so get it but just not get it that I'm so out as not gay, but, giggle giggle giggle, ZOMG, yay, kiss kiss................

I can't cope with this, what happened to, "Hi, do you want to go on a date with me?" Or is this too, zomg, giggle giggle, I'm so not getting this, too straight forward for this point in time.

Just ask them on date you stupid moo!

Takes a deep breath and steps back.

^ Well, she says straight up that the question is from a girl in high school... and high school is very, um, "special."


I'm sure this will surprise absolutely no one, but I'm totally the kind of person who will flat-out ask how much money you make. I also won't get offended if you decline to answer.

Why do I ask? I'm curious. I'm 23, and I haven't picked a career yet. I'm still learning what's a good salary vs. a bad one, how far you can stretch $25,000, if a college degree is really worth it. But mostly, I'm just curious. It pretty much will only change my opinion of the person for the positive (it's not hard to earn more than me!).

I will only ask if someone is gay if it comes up in conversation. This is also how I'll let someone know I'm bi if I want to tell them. I push the conversation in that direction and see what happens. I'm trying to think back to when I might have asked this question. In general, the situation would be something like this:

(discussion falls onto attractiveness of same-gender person)
Guy: Yeah, X is hot.
Me: Are you gay? (delivered not in jest, but with nonjudgmental sincerity; no surprise - tone is important here)
Guy: No, no, I just can see how he's attractive.
Me: Oh, I totally agree...
(and so on. Conversation continues)

or -
Guy: Yeah.
Me: Oh cool, I didn't know that...

No biggie.

That's my fall-back. It's probably really obvious, but who cares? I don't remember this coming up in a long time, though. Not exactly something I do often.

If I'm not friends with the person I will generally preface such stereotypically "nosy" questions with a "if you don't mind my asking." Tone is really all what it's about... there's a huge difference between "like, oh my god, are you gay?!" and an inquisitive, "pardon my asking, but are you gay?" It's also a matter of reading people... I've asked things before, seen the person's reaction and done a backpedal - "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, I'm just curious!"



In terms of the question in that video, though -

The answer is: They're theater kids. Gay and straight don't apply. Especially in high school. And not in a fruity, "all gay guys like Broadway!" way. Theater kids are super sexual... it's one of those stereotypes that's actually true.

People ask me what my job is and what my nationality is all the time. Is this the same thing?

There are correct ways to ask about salary such as "Can you tell me roughly the starting salary for your job I am deciding what career I want to persue." Rather than "How much money do you make?' I think asking what you do for a living is perfectly normal and fine. Not sure about the nationality, maybe after they have known you a while.

But flat out and out asking if someone is gay is rude and not nice. To be that would be like asking someone how often they have sex. In my experience gay people will usually tell people if the need comes up, you become friends or if it is essential you know such as you are hitting on someone who is gay. Also some folks are proud of it and want to tell. Regardless it doesn't matter. You should not ask and are not entitled in any way to details of someone elses sexuality.

People ask me what my job is and what my nationality is all the time. Is this the same thing?

Is this a serious question or are you being sarcastic. I'm having trouble because I can't imagine anyone thinking that asking what someone does for a job and if they are gay could possibly be "the same thing."

No, not appropriate to ask. None of your business, same as someone asking how much money you make. T-A-C-K-Y!! No matter how you dress it up as to why you are asking, it's lack of manners and lack of social grace!

Your intentions of why you are asking a question like this could be innocent, but it puts that person in a VERY uncomfortable position especially with so much discrimination there is surrounding sexuality. Maybe they aren't really "out" in certain areas of their life. If people want you to know, they will eventually tell you. I've never had to ask someone because if they are comfortable with me and trust me...it eventually becomes known through conversations. If someone isn't telling you they have their reasons, and often I believe it is because they don't trust some people. (which is understandable)

I just don't think it is generally anyone's business to ask personal questions that invade people's privacy, and people that do lack empathy and possibly don't have a lot of friends because they don't care how those questions make people feel.

To me, this is akin to someone asking me what my bra size is. Or a guy how big his penis is. Really not dinnertime conversation.

kk~

It's HUUUUGE. I'm just sayin.

panic wrote:

It's HUUUUGE. I'm just sayin.

Your bra size?

Well this didn't take long to devolve into discussions of front-bottoms, did it?

(On topic, I'm also in the "they'll tell me if they want me to know" camp. I just don't care enough to ask.)

I'm not sure if this fits in, but I was talking with my old 6th grade teacher the other day and the middle school librarian (I do part time work there). My old teacher is gay, and when I say that I mean VERY GAY. He is flamboyant.

Well, during class, one of his students shouted out "Mr, my mom said I could come spend the night at your house and have some fun" while another classmate yelled out "Look in his closest to see if his boyfriend is there."

I was in shock...these are 6TH GRADE STUDENTS...

Overall, I think it's rude and you shouldn't ask or make any remarks about it because even though that person might be laughing on the outside, who knows what you are doing to them inside.

I keep thinking of one of my friends who came out a few years ago. We all suspected that she was gay before she told us, but no one ever said anything or asked her. If we had asked would she have been grateful to finally say it or embarrassed that we hadn't waited for her to tell us in her own time?

The answer is: They're theater kids. Gay and straight don't apply. Especially in high school. And not in a fruity, "all gay guys like Broadway!" way. Theater kids are super sexual... it's one of those stereotypes that's actually true.

True that, actually! (second year theatre academy student here)

Although it should be noted...
www.youtube.com . . .

I agree with the whole not-blatantly-asking thing. I'm NOT a fan of things like Don't Ask Don't Tell, but I wouldn't ask unless I was close friends with the person and felt like both of us were comfortable enough to discuss it, regardless of whether they said yes or no. That's how I would want someone to ask me, and how I would come out to them. If someone I didn't really know asked me, I'd say I was straight just to avoid... icky stuff. Because I don't know how they'd react. And other people, unless they know me well, may not know how I'd react. That's why I generally wait for people to tell me if they want.

Yeah, I'm in the mindset that it's just bad manners to ask about certain things, with certain people. My best friend, I will ask anything. My boss? Not so much. Or for that matter, my boyfriend's sister.

And given the bias and hatred that many people have towards the homosexual community, I think it's different than asking about money. Asking the question may be simple and easy, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a lot bigger of an issue. People finding out you make X amount (assuming it's not an exorbitant amount), will not generate the same response as to finding out you're gay.

(Re: Video - she's super annoying and won an Emmy? Sigh.)

I am tempted to ask a girl what her sexuality is... because I'm interested in dating her. Wouldn't that be an appropriate situation?

She frequently goes swing dancing, and VERY often dances with other girls, as the lead. She says it's because she likes to be the one in control... and that makes sense... but my gaydar is telling me that that may not be the ONLY reason.

So I like her... and am pretty sure she's single (unless she is dating somebody with zero interest in dancing). She and I have danced several times together, and discussed tossing gender roles/stereotypes out the window... But urg! It sucks being in my situation because I'd like to ask her out but I don't know for sure if she'd be interested in girls... particularly girls like myself :/

That is like asking what type of undies they wear, what their salary is, or if they like missionary or canine position! LOL

No, I think, unless you are very close to someone, or they tell you on their own, it is under the category of "none of your business."