Hey all, I'm hoping you can help me out with this. (Parents of children who are currently in college or who have children who've been to college, this one is definitely for you.) Sorry that this is such a long post, but there's a lot of information regarding this situation.

I just started college at the end of last month. I am the younger child, and the only girl. My brother started college in '01 and graduated in '05, and my mom didn't have as difficult a time coping because I was still home (I started 7th grade in the fall of '05, so I had been home the entire time he was away). I live on campus. It's a short drive (45 minutes) away from home, and I went home Sunday, September 4th for dinner. My mom is having a difficult time coping with the empty nest, not only because her youngest has gone off to school and the house is empty, but also because our dog had surgery over the summer and is now going through physical therapy to regain use of her currently paralyzed hind legs. My dad is at work all day, and my mom only works half a day, so when she comes home, the house is completely empty, except for our pet tortoise (but of course, it's not as loveable or as cuddly as our pup).

The rule my parents and I established, which was the same for my brother, was that I would call home once a week and in turn, they would give me a weekly allowance for whatever I need for school (food, books, recreation, etc). The first few days, my mom and I had been talking almost every day for 30 minutes. I live on the east coast, so my area was affected by the hurricane, so I had gone home that weekend (everyone was fine, my street barely had any damage, and my college was fine). After that, I checked up on my mom a few times that week (I'd say about 4 times that week) to see if they'd gotten cable back yet and whatnot, but my mom would just keep talking to me, even if I had things to do. I know she wants to talk to me, but now that my classes are in full swing, I don't have a lot of time to talk to her. She's acting like I'm supposed to talk to her every day. I've texted her a good bit since I've been at school, but it's not enough. I had texted my dad last night to tell him that I had used his credit card (I had the info written down) to buy two things for my classes. The sites used Pay Pal, and I didn't think it would be very smart to use my debit card which is linked to my bank account to make a purchase like that through Pay Pal, since my family has had lots of problems with them in the past. It was one text. Anyway, my mom texted me today to tell me that she had transferred $85 that she owed me into my bank account. I texted her saying okay, but didn't have much time to write anything else or continue the conversation.

Here's how the texting conversation went between my mom and I today:
Me: Your $ transfer did go through. I just checked.
Mom: What the hell do you want?
Me: I just wanted to let you know it went through. I didn't have a chance to check all day. I had class & a lot of homework. No need to be snippy.
Mom: Yes [it is necessary to be snippy], you don't even acknowledge me anymore. You talk to daddy all the time. I guess I am no good to you! Goodnight.
Me: Sorry for not being a good daughter and for not talking to you on the phone every day for half an hour.
Mom: That's not it. It would be nice to hear from your and not just for money. Let me know when you get the package, or you can just tell Dad when you TALK to him.

I haven't spoken on the phone with my dad since last week. In those weeks that I talked to my mom every day on the phone, I didn't speak to my dad at all. It's stressing me out because this coming weekend is parents weekend, and I don't have a lot of time to spend with my parents. This is really upsetting me because my mom pulls nonsense like this ALL THE TIME. I know that I probably shouldn't have been sarcastic in my texts to my mom, but that's generally the way she and I argue. How can I help her cope with me being away at school in a way that will work for both of us. I know she really wants me to call her everyday, but I just really need my space from her. I spent 2 weeks at a college program last summer, and she talked to me on the phone for AN HOUR, EVERY SINGLE DAY. But when I tell her I need some space, she always responds with something like, "Fine, I know where I stand. Why don't you just not talk to me anymore?"

Please give me some advice! I'm already stressed out because of all my classes and homework (I'm a theatre major, so I seemingly have twice as much work...between reading, auditioning for shows, voice lessons & dance classes that are extras in addition to my regular classes, etc.), and this is just adding to the stress. I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown with all of this.

Mk, mom is over reacting, just a bit, lol. I agree with you there. I understand parents have tough time letting go, some more so than others, but seriously, she was out of line.

Unfortunately, the way you reacted did not help. It is hard to be calm and cool in the face of such a blatant guilt trip, but I encourage you to do just that. Remain calm and cool. Say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Mom. Maybe we can talk later when you are not so upset. I love you." Then HANG UP. Do not let the conversation continue. Concentrate on your studies.

That said, do try to make a little time for them this weekend, if they are coming. It IS parent's weekend, after all. They won't be around every weekend. But don't feel bad about leaving them on their own some of the time. Part of parent's weekend is the opportunity to socialize with the other parents. Encourage them to do that.

Best wishes, I hope things calm down. Maybe a little time will help. It's still early in the semester.

They addressed this very topic during orientation. Parents had a session where we were encouraged to give our kids space, not talk on the phone every day endlessly and let the kid spread their wings.

kk~

I know I'm not a parent and this might get deleted, but my mother is also very dependent on me. She and I have had nearly identical conversations to the one you posted above, but only since I've returned home - figure that! Being that you're probably only in your first three weeks of your freshman year old college, it's still all overwhelming, but don't worry, it becomes routine and things settle down. I am someone who DID talk to my mom most days. It made her feel as if she was still in the loop, and she deserved to be in the loop because she alone was funding every last dime of my education. It would've been fairly ungrateful of me to shut her out completely, intentionally or otherwise, you know?

I called my mom on my way home from class. I had a 10+ minute walk/drive from class to my apartment, and it's not like I was doing much else other than walking, so it became mom time. Or, if a class let out early and I was then early for my next class, I'd give her a buzz. Now, I'm not saying you absolutely have to call her everyday, but a 5-10 minute conversation here and there while you're really unoccupied wouldn't kill you. It'd make your mom happy, ease the tension, and get rid of the drama. If you keep mom happy, you'll keep your allowance, which, trust me, you'll need. I'm sure that after 10 minutes on the phone she'll be happy to let you go if you tell her that you need to get started on your homework. She does want you succeed, after all. And in time, she'll adjust to you being gone. Give her some time, empty nesting is tough!

Your mom needs to back off -she is way overdependent on you
1) do try to make some time for them on parents weekend-this is important
2) call her on your way to class every day-then its easy for you to get off the phone-"gotta go now mom-class starts in two minutes." Just do this everyday for ten minutes and she will become used to it. No more phone calls other than that. If she calls you dont pick up-you can say reception was crummy and it did not ring or that you were in library on 4th floor. Texting is fine. This will retrain her
3) encourage her to have other interests-maybe you can suggest you would love it if she gave you a scrapbook for christmas-she can get working on that-its easy to get addicted. or a quilt of your old activities t shirts

I am going to miss my last like crazy when she goes next year. I'll have to really keep myself busy. I'm sure we will text a lot. i'm not sure how much she will talk with me

You need to tell your dad about this. Also, I'm a big fan of snail mail letters. If you send your mom a letter every other week, I think that would go a long way to her calming down some. She can reread your letters when she misses you.

And yes, with time, she's seriously going to have to get a hobby or something. Unfortunately because it's you, if you mention it to her she might just get snippy about it. Have dad suggest she do it and have him tell her to stop guilt tripping you when you're trying to do homework, study and actually get good grades and not flunk out.

Wow. I'm a single mom of two. My older child graduated from college in May and is now in France for 4 months on a Fulbright program. My younger child just started college about a month ago. She is about an hour from me. I let her initiate almost all contact; she texts me most days, even if it's just to say her chem professor is brutal, or that she loves her suitemates. Now that she's gone, I live alone but for the dog and cat, but I knew that day was coming and made sure I kept up my own life and my wide circle of friends. I'm so sorry your mother is burdening you in this way. It's wrong. This is your time to spread your wings and begin to live your own life, and she needs to make a life of her own.

I agree with Celebrian; you do need to let your dad know about this. Maybe he can get your mom to back off, and it would be nice if he spent extra time with her too. She needs to reconnect with who she is, outside of her role as mommy.

KK is right; very brief, upbeat conversations are the way to go. Don't let your mom guilt you into long phone conversations. She needs to stop depending on her kids and learn to depend on herself. I hope it gets easier for both of you.

Mother is missing you, a lot! Dads are not as verbal. She sounds like my mother, a bit. LOL

Read how you replied to her and put yourself in her shoes, if you had a baby girl, who grew up, and moved away, and you miss her so much and worry about her, everyday.

Not to say that how she replied, was good, either, but you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Maybe, you can call mom and dad, together. Ask when there is a good time to speak to both of them and tell her that you miss, both of them, equally, and are so blessed to have such wonderful parents.

When she is snippy, do not reciprocate. Just let it go.

Good luck with school, too.