My dad has twice spoken with a grief counsellor. My dad has admitted that he's still in the denial stage of his grief. He's said that he keeps expecting my mom to be at the grocery store, and that she'll come home in a few minutes.

I've never been in the denial stage. I suppose it's different for everybody. I've understood from the get go that my mom's physically gone and will never physically come back. For sure, I've felt heartbreak, sadness, and shock, but not denial.

Another thing I'd like to say, too, is that when the doctors removed my mom's breathing tube, all of us stepped outside the room, because we couldn't bear to see of my mom might make a painful struggle to breathe. My brother stayed in the room with my mom. Later, after the funeral, he said that when the breathing tube was removed, my mom's chest kind of deflated.

Things are getting a little easier now. However, there are times when I start to cry. As I said, it's still going to take time to get used to the matriarch being gone. This is certainly not something that you get over right away.

I just wanted to let you know that there is no painful struggle to breathe and there's no deflation when a patient is extubated. Patients are heavily sedated for comfort. Hopefully knowing that will help you a bit.

I just wanted to say that my brother and sister-in-law have, in spite of their own sadness, been very supportive of my dad and myself. Every time we see them, the very first thing they say is, "How are you doing?" and they give us a big hug. My other brother, though, hasn't been supportive at all. It makes me wonder how much he's mourned, if he's mourned at all. He stopped by today, and didn't have more than literally two words to say to me. I tried to say a couple of things to him, and got hardly any reply. After only two comments, I just gave up trying to say anything. He was the same way with my dad.

Everyone deals with things in their own way... It almost sounds like your brother is shutting down.

It's been exactly 11 weeks to the day today since my mom died. I suppose that things should be starting to get a tiny bit easier by now, but I still burst into tears at times. I've heard, though, that the first year since the death of a loved one is usually the hardest. It's still certainly going to take some time for our grief to completely ease, although the sense of loss never completely eases.

My dad and I have gone ahead and put up our Christmas tree and some other decorations. We haven't gone all out with decorating, since right now, we're still not really in the mood to go all out with decorating. On the tree, we put a decoration that has the Irish "Erin Go Bragh" on it. This seems to bring my mom a little closer to us, since, as I said, she was Irish.

RE reminders: I feel that already, within the past eleven weeks, we've had as many as four reminders of my mom. For example, my dad and I have seen three episodes of the sitcom "Seinfeld" that she found particularly hilarious. One Sunday night a few weeks ago, my dad and I had gone into my brother's and sister-in-law's house to eat dinner. After dinner, we watched "America's Funniest Home Videos". I said, "Yeah, you can see that these antics in the videos are clearly staged.". My brother said to me, "You sound just like mom.". He meant that my skepticism at the time sounded just like my mom's same skepticism .

I thought I'd drop in and give a little update on our Christmas. My dad and I ate dinner with my brother and sister-in-law. After dinner, we played some board games (Bingo and Logo). We laughed as we played. I think that's what my mom would have wanted. I don't think she would have wanted to see us sitting at home sad.

I think that shows that things are getting a bit easier now. Some upcoming occasions that may be still be a bit sad for us though will be New Year's, mom's birthday, and Mother's Day.

I wanted to add, too, that I don't know what my dad and I would have done without my sister-in-law's love and support.

Oh yeah, don't kid yourself. Mother's Day, and especially your moms birthday, will be forever difficult. That will never get easier. I mean, that sounds very Debbie Downer, but it's true.

It has been several years since I lost my brother, and holidays are still very difficult. This was our 4th Christmas without him. On the one hand, its hard to believe that holidays won't ever be the same for my family and frustrating to know that once joyous occasions will always have that tinge of grief. But its comforting to know that what everyone told me was true: I will never forget about my brother and he will always be a part of me.

Hugs to you and your family this holiday season. <3

On New Year's Eve, my dad went to bed early. I wonder if he felt he wouldn't be able to quite face saying an immediate "Happy new year!" right now. I stayed up to watch Dick Clark's "New Year's Rockin' Eve". I sobbed when the glass ball dropped and the crowd in New York shouted "Happy New Year!". Yesterday was mom's birthday. All of us at home were able to stay calm yet quiet. Last night, though, I sobbed when I got into the shower.

So far, we've been able to handle the first Thanksgiving, first anniversary, first Christmas, first New Year's, and her birthday without mom. I'm sure, though, that she was still here with us in spirit. My dad even went out to the store and bought a bouquet of flowers for the anniversary (mom and dad would have been married for 53 years), and for mom's birthday (she would have been 75).

I remembered a few days ago that it was close to 21 years ago that my mom first started having some dizzy spells. They must have concerned her at the time, as she wanted to see if she could get in to see the wonderful neurologist/epileptologist who was treating me then. I've wondered if it may have been even then that some microscopic abnormalities already began happening in the brain. The bleed would certainly not have been happening, as a bleed would of course not have lasted that long. But nevertheless, there may have already been some abnormalities starting in the brain. I wonder if any tests could have shown that.

I'm glad you made it through the holidays. The first and second year is always hard. Certain times will be hard forever.

Please don't torture yourself with the "ifs". Often, we look back and regret not taking action sooner on health issues, but just as often, there isn't anything anyone could have done anyway even if they had known. Life is a tragedy. You grow old, or you die young. You leave a whole lot of loved ones who mourn and miss you forever, or you go un-noticed, as if you were never there. Humanity is not for the faint of heart.

I hope you continue to move forward and hold your mother close to your heart. I'm so glad your brother, sister in law, dad, and you spend happy times together still. Your mother would be so proud of her life's work.

Hugs
xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

I thought I'd drop in and say that I've started making some calls to see if there might be a way I could go about starting a group in the immediate area to raise awareness of brain aneurysms, if there isn't already such a group in the area. I thought it might be a way to remember my mom.