I'm not married. I'm not even close I guess. I could go into a tangent about how my boyfriend is my best friend and one day we're going to get married, but I want this based on your own person experiences more than anything I could contribute I guess. Given this is the married board, I hope you can use your wisdom/experience to calm me down.

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately. Like a lot, a lot. Not in the romantic sense really, but more in the logical/financial sense. It's all been very positive too (I'm so awesome at coupons - I'll save N and I so much money!, it will make so much more sense to have him on my health insurance than what we have now, living with him means I'll get to have a friend all the time!). But basically all of my logical positiveness has (I would assume) forced me into some sort of irrational "marriage can't be that hard!" mindset. Logically though, it HAS to be that hard.

So, to you, what are those hard parts? What are the things you would tell your former self about marriage if you could? What do you wish you were more aware of before marriage? Knock me back into reality that I still have time before marriage, and that's ok.

It's very hard. I find it harder than raising kids. Kids demand more of your time and are much needier, but you instinctively will give all of yourself to them, and (ahem..) they kinda have to do what you say.

With a spouse you have to compromise. And compromise. And give up some ideas, desires, etc you had about how your life was going to be and make some new ones. It's not all bad by any means. Actually most of it, in my experience, is not bad at all. It's just hard work.

Just remember that this is the person who, besides your children, will pretty much be your whole life, forever. I have friends, sure, and work, but my husband is really everything to me. My sounding board, my dinner date, my best friend, my annoying roommate...

I find that I have to remind myself often that it's my job to make him happy. It's easy to get to where you can resent the things they do/don't do, or just fall into a pattern where everything is fine, but super boring and stagnant. I have to give in. I can't tell you how many times I have screamed in my head "SERIOUSLY! You have to update your computer, AGAIN?" or "ANOTHER GUITAR?". Those are the things that make him happy, so I give in.

I adore my husband, but we have been though some rough patches. Won't necessarily tell my former self anything, as I felt like we grew together through our issues.

I don't know how old you are, but I was 29 and he was 31 when we got married. I feel like waiting until we were older really helped because we already knew who we were and were done, really done, with single life.

^Oh I am laughing right now about 'ANOTHER GUITAR?' I can't tell you how many times I've faced that with my musician hubby, lol!

Marriage is hard. But I have a question for you? Why is hard a bad thing? I offer up the idea that hard is one of the best things about marriage. If you choose to be in a lifelong partnership with someone then you are going to be confronted with a host of difficulties over the years. But all the working through the hard things can serve to make you a better person and a better partner. You won't just grow old together, you'll GROW together.

Two of the hardest parts of a marriage: 1) Choosing to love someone even when they let you down or disappoint you. 2) Sometimes having to sacrifice your wants and needs for the good of the other person. This is where you get to the really heavy stuff. Dividing up chores and agreeing about money or how to raise the kids is child's play in comparison.

d4j wrote:

^Oh I am laughing right now about 'ANOTHER GUITAR?' I can't tell you how many times I've faced that with my musician hubby, lol!

Oh boy sounds like my boyfriend...but it ain't only guitars. He plays bass mostly. But he's also got:
- two organs (got them for free and figured why not...he doesn't play them o_O)
- a drum kit (actually his step dad's...which he took when he moved :S lol)
- a clarinet (his sister's...which he has never played o_O)
- a banjo
- a double necked 15 string bass
- two of almost the exact same 6 string basses
- at least 5 other guitars/basses
- two small guitar amps
- and his bass amp


.... yeah...musicians....


ETA: And he's also randomly renting equipment as well...which he usually ends up doing a rent to own plan...

Marriage is wonderful, but takes a lot of work. I think it's odd that people go into marriage expecting it not to be hard. Of course it will be hard, you're spending the rest of your life with another person, who is just as flawed as you are.

I see marriage like ballroomm dancing. The dance doesn't work if you're both trying to lead. One has to relax and let the other determine the steps. I choose to let my husband lead, because I trust him.

It's been said a lot that love is a choice. It totally is. It's not possible to just always love someone no matter what they do, because they're going to do things that hurt you or make you angry. Marriage is about choosing to love them anyway.

Before I got married, I was the stark opposite of you, OP. My parents were divorced so I automatically thought, 'OMG, marriage is going to be bad'. I found after a short time that though it certainly was hard work, it was not 'bad'. Building a house is hard work, too, but for someone who loves to build it is not bad, it is satisfying hard work. That's why you have to actually like the person you marry and not just love them.

I'll stop rambling now and get to your questions, haha!

So, to you, what are those hard parts?
Picking your battles. Don't fight about every single little thing.

What are the things you would tell your former self about marriage if you could?
Unexpressed and/or uncontrolled anger hurts marriages.


What do you wish you were more aware of before marriage?
And now I'm about to ramble again.

1.Your spouse literally comes first. Not business, not your parents. If you have children, you're supposed to put them first together. If one of you is not on board with that, that can rip a marriage apart.

2.At some point, you're going to have to 'take one for the team'. Don't complain about it and don't hold resentment about it. It will happen to you both during the life of your marriage and it might even happen twice. Get over it.

3.Don't take relationship advice from anyone that encourages you to leave your mate over frivolous things. Toothpaste caps, laundry duties and who didn't get their full 20 minute back rub is frivolous in the grand scheme of things.

4.Don't talk to your parents in great detail about the problems you two have! You're inadvertently setting your spouse up to be disliked by them.

There's plenty more I could say, but the rest of it is individual trial and error for each marriage.

OMG...who knew marriage was this tough?? Don't get me wrong, I like being married, but anyone who says it is just a piece of paper is just wrong. I lived with someone 6 years, and being married is completely different. I'm now an actual partner with someone and that is scary, exciting, boring, and fabulous all the time.

What I would tell my former self:
You don't have to be right all the time. Even when you are right, sometimes you pay big prices for being so positioned. And even when I am right...who cares. Am I getting awarded a big cookie? It's also necessary to be able to say, "I was wrong, and I'm sorry" even when you don't feel like it.

What do I wish I was more aware of:
I can't do everything on my own. Yes I am powerful, and capable, but being in a partnership means you have to relinquish control and realize other people may not get the job done exactly the way that I would do it. If I want something I need to communicate that VERBALLY. My partner is not a mind reader, nor should he know what I want and need based on previous situations.

Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. That's life, so get your big girl panties on and do it. It will be over before you know it and is usually insignificant in the grand scheme of your marriage.

Don't quit on the same day...and you'll stay together. There are tough times and you are allowed a crap day or a day when you are throwing in the towel, that is the day the other person is staying strong and holding you up in the ring while life is beating you up.

Life is easier when you are both on the same page and working together. Life is also a lot more fun.

Marriage is hard. Harder than you ever believe it is going to be. In fact, if you imagine just how hard you think it might be and think, ok, so life is hard...I promise there will be days when you wish that it was that easy.

In the very, very, old movie, To Sir With Love, the Sidney Poitier character is asked by his students why he never married. He gives a few excuses, then adds,
"To my mind, marriage is
no way of life for the weak...



...the selfish...



...or the insecure."

That all said, I can't imagine navigating my adult life without my husband. We've been together since we were children, we share a lifetime of experiences, joys, and heartaches. We have children and grandchildren. We built businesses together, and couldn't have done many of the things we've done without the other.

Nothing worth having is ever easy.

When you grow into the process and play by the rules, it can be the most wonderful way to spend a lifetime.

Keep On Dancing*

Truthfully, my marriage hasn't been that difficult. Although having said that, I'll say this - by the time I got married, I'd been with my husband for 10 years, and we had a four year old (he's since turned five) together. So alot of that "learning how to work as a unit, learning to grit your teeth and say you're sorry even if you don't totally mean it, learning how to raise a kid together" type stuff that normally comprises the early parts of a marriage, we'd already gone through alot of that, before we ever got to exchanging rings.

We did recently have a BLOW. OUT. fight, and it was probably the best fight I'd ever had. I was super proud. We got into a fight - over James' homework, of all things - and it was stupid, but we were both too stirred up to back down. Afterward, Jim kept trying to talk to me, and I kept ignoring him. He went "You can't ignore me." and I went "Well I can't act like everything is OK, because then you'll think it is, and it's not. You hurt my feelings." and we talked it out, and it was probably the best fight we've ever had - his typical fighting MO is to let me rail on until he can't take it anymore, call me nasty names until I cry, and then immediatly backpeddle. And he didn't call me any names, and I didn't cry. Yay us! I always say - he's a slow burn, it takes him a long time to get genuinely angry, but when he does, DUCK, because it's about to get NASTY.

I think assuming that you can coupon and you've got good health insurance, therefore marriage is gonna be awesome is a very short sided view of things. :/ I mean, financially, that's a good start, but there's alot more to it than that!

SiyoNqoba wrote:

I see marriage like ballroomm dancing. The dance doesn't work if you're both trying to lead. One has to relax and let the other determine the steps. I choose to let my husband lead, because I trust him.

That's fine if that's what works for you and your husband, but please realize that many people do not want or need this type of relationship with their spouse. Many of us are much better suited to an equal partnership in which there is no "leader."

If I let my husband 'lead', we'd be in a lot of trouble. Being male does not automatically make one the right person to make all the decisions in a marriage.

If you want to think of it like a dance, sometimes you have to take turns leading or dance as a duo doing the same steps together or take turns doing a solo or just sit one out. Being married does not mean you have to do everything in tandem with your partner 24/7. You are still an individual. Many people loose their individuality in a marriage and those kinds of marriages are kind of annoying to me. One of my girlfriends cannot even make a lunch date with me without checking with her husband first.

kk~

I think my husband and I have allowed one another to take the lead in some situations. Sometimes you need a leader and a follower or one of you just has stronger skills in certain areas or strengths in certain situations.

My husband has worked as a health insurance broker for 26 years. I leave the insurance decisions up to him and he basically gives me the "Insurance For Dummies" tutorial on decisions I need to know about. I just trust him on that stuff. I know accounting we need for our LLC's, how to run them, expense them, transfer money between the two better than he does so he basically has an idea of our system and could take it over somewhat if he had to, but I just flat out run it better. Then there are sometimes that we are equal partners in decisions and its kind of whoever can do it does, or one of us texts to consult and BANG...we've solved an issue.

I think a good marriage is a mixture of all that stuff. Two individuals working together to create a beautiful life, but celebrating their own individuality that brought them together in the first place.

To agree with the others (not married, just repeating my parents' advice), everyone is an individual with strengths and weaknesses. In a healthy relationship (dating, marriage, even friendship) you recognize that and step up when you're needed, and let the other person step up when they're needed. Sometimes it's 90/10, sometimes it's 60/40, but in the end it evens out to 50/50. My parents have been blissfully happy for 25 years so I think they're doing something right While a dominant/submissive marriage/relationship might work for a small nook of society, I just don't think it's the norm or best on a wide-spread scale.

I've enjoyed reading this! My parents tell me all the time that they don't have to work at it, they're just best friends who love each other. They don't fight. I realize that the chances of me being in a relationship like that are pretty slim as it's not the norm, so this thread has been enlightening

My parents tell me all the time that they don't have to work at it, they're just best friends who love each other. They don't fight. I realize that the chances of me being in a relationship like that are pretty slim as it's not the norm, so this thread has been enlightening

That's how my guy and I are and people think it's so weird...I mean, we've raised a voice here or there but we've never had an actual "fight." People also think it's weird that we trust each other, which is really sad, I think. Out of all the couples we know, we probably have the most stable, loving relationship...we have watched several marriages dissolve and it's sad. Some of them were barely the same ages as us and they're already divorcing! I remember when I didn't go to a couple of parties that he went to and somebody asked if things were okay between us. He just laughed and told them that we don't have to do every single thing together; he was amused to tell me the next day...apparently a lot of our friends don't trust their significant others to do separate things on a Friday or Saturday night here and there. We do plenty of things together but sometimes we want to do different stuff or one of us is tired and doesn't feel like going out to an event or whatever else. We're not married yet but for us it will just be a piece of paper. The biggest differences will be health insurance and maybe filing taxes differently, haha.

Funny anecdote...the main "boyfriends" that I've had, I met via the internet, through a friend, and through work. Whenever friends asked me about dating/relationships I always said that they shouldn't look for dates in bars/clubs, that they should pay attention to friends-of-friends, people at activities, join things, and such...then where do I meet the one that I plan to stay with? A bar. Dangit. At least it was a concert that happened at a bar and not just hanging around on a stool at the bar drinking, haha.

Munkenstein wrote:

My parents tell me all the time that they don't have to work at it, they're just best friends who love each other. They don't fight. I realize that the chances of me being in a relationship like that are pretty slim as it's not the norm, so this thread has been enlightening

That's how my guy and I are and people think it's so weird...I mean, we've raised a voice here or there but we've never had an actual "fight." People also think it's weird that we trust each other, which is really sad, I think. Out of all the couples we know, we probably have the most stable, loving relationship...we have watched several marriages dissolve and it's sad. Some of them were barely the same ages as us and they're already divorcing! I remember when I didn't go to a couple of parties that he went to and somebody asked if things were okay between us. He just laughed and told them that we don't have to do every single thing together; he was amused to tell me the next day...apparently a lot of our friends don't trust their significant others to do separate things on a Friday or Saturday night here and there. We do plenty of things together but sometimes we want to do different stuff or one of us is tired and doesn't feel like going out to an event or whatever else. We're not married yet but for us it will just be a piece of paper. The biggest differences will be health insurance and maybe filing taxes differently, haha.

My man and I are the same. We've been together for eight years (living together for seven), have a mortgage and joint finances and are talking about kids. We're both in it for the long haul (even without that gold ring).

We never fight. Ever. (It weirds me out to see newlywed in particular having one of those all-out-down-and-dirty screaming matches). If we disagree, we'll talk it out before things get too heated, and never go to bed mad at the other even if it means staying up til 2am talking. We compromise when necessary, and discuss big purchases and financial decisions. We communicate. Sometimes things might not go the way one person wants them, but you roll with it if it makes the other happy - it's all give and take.

We've been through some really tough times - health issues, unemployment, financial problems, family crises - but we've always pulled together, supported each other, and got through them together.

In our relationship there's no "leader" or "follower" - we're a partnership, and it works for us.

Wow! First off - awesome replies guys! Onto some responses:

To everyone who married a musician - I already understand. My boyfriend is a musician, and dear lord I have to just accept that. It's his career and life, and if it makes him happy, go for it. But I'm not sure I'll ever understand a $2,000 guitar. But I lol'd at the "ANOTHER GUITAR?" comment!

SiyoNqoba - I get the dance reference. I think everything is about being in a complimentary relationship. They lead, you lead, but without each other, there's nothing. Also, I really like the idea of "choosing to love them anyways."

Celebrian - you remind me of a quote from the book "the perks of being a wallflower". The main character (who's name eludes me) says, "I find it interesting how everyone really loves each other, but nobody really likes each other." It's like you elaborated on that.

Theresa - Lol, I know my financially good start is silly, but it was just an example of the silly things I think of! =)

To those of you who lived with the person before marrying them - what changed? I'm curious how getting married made that different.

Lastly - this thread has been awesome. I'm SURROUNDED by bad marriages (or at least, bad in the conversations I hear publicly). I've felt really weird about it lately. I'm so in love with my best friend, and it's great! But man-oh-man, do I know some people who act like they could care less if they got a divorce. This thread has been the complete opposite of that. I'm enjoying the positivity. =)

I tried to find a shorter video but couldn't. Sorry...I had to post it anyway. The dance analogy is one I use often (imagine..from a dancer...duh)

This one is more realistic, I think. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.


Just one more thing I've learned about "the Math". It isn't 50/50, or 40/60. It's more like 90/90. There is the energy cost, the exchange rate, the in-law tax and the law of entropy. And that's before you have kids.

Yet, everyone keeps doing it!

Keep On Dancing*

It needs to be said that just because marriage can be hard, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are fighting all the time or having disagreements or are constantly compromising.

Hard can also mean making a 100% effort, taking the time, giving the attention, prioritizing the relationship. It's the TRYING sometimes that is hard. But like I said before, it's not a bad thing. It's like getting in shape - hard work, but worth it.

In my experience Marriage was extremely hard, but then by all means I married an idiot. (And now divorced).

From my experiences I have learnt that there has to be compromise but at the same time you must not lose what makes you. You have to be honest to yourself and to your partner - even if that means hurting them or causing some upset. True love works through that. I would have been much better off if I had been true to myself.

I've been living with my now-husband for five years, and we've only been married for a little over a month, so I'm still learning about the differences between being married and living together. But from my experiences so far, I would say the difference is subtle, but it's there. It's kind of hard to describe. I guess I just feel like we're more bonded. We're more of a cohesive unit, more of a team. And, you know, he's actually my family now, in a legal sense, so that's pretty cool. Also, we're finding that the words "husband" and "wife" have a certain weight to them that "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" or even "fiance" just didn't. People seem to take the relationship a lot more seriously. And I'm not saying that's right, but it's been true so far for us.

My DH and I were married after living together for a couple years. It wasn't a huge change, but there were changes.

1. Planning a wedding was very stressful. We didn't even have any real controversy, but just trying to get everything "just right", making a million decisions I was afraid I would end up hating, and making sure every bill was paid on time was stressful. This may have just been the control freak in me though

2. The marriage itself isn't hard, but being a partner is hard for me. Like I said, I am a control freak and very independent. "Full disclosure" is hard for me, especially where finances are concerned. When we were living together, we just split the bills, DH gave me money to cover his half every pay, and I paid all the bills. After we got married, we opened up our books to each other. Laid out all our financials for each other. I hate other people knowing I am in debt, so showing someone else my student loan and credit card bills was hard. But, it was easier when it was done. Then we knew where all our money was going and could prioritize together.

I was also not used to involving someone else in my life decisions. I always just weighed the pros and cons and came to a decision. When I wanted to go back to school, I had to remember that this was really going to affect both of us. We were going to lose my income, my days were going to get longer, and I was going to be really stressed again.

When I make myself go slightly against my nature and share some of the control with him, things go very smoothly. DH has to also try hard to remember to let me know when things are bothering him. He always used to bottle things up and stew. So, the hard work is making ourselves better partners. When we do that, things go very smoothly This is what works for us. Now, I can't imagine being not married. I can't imagine having a bad day at work and not being able to talk to him about it.

BTW, my parents have been happily married for 38 years, DH's parents were unhappily married for 20 years before getting divorced after his dad had an affair when DH was a teenager. So we came from very different households, but we have still managed to make this work. We have been married for 8 years now, and going strong!

I haven't found married life to be too hard. So far the hardest part has been when he enlisted with the Marine Corps and we've had to endure being apart for so long at a time with limited communication.

Most of you probably know this but we got married "young", I was 18 and he was 20. We faced a lot of criticism for doing that, but in the end it's what we wanted so it's what we did. Two years later we're still happy as ever, if not more than we were before. We've had ups and downs like anyone else, but the best advice I received about marriage has been "You put in what you want to get out of it." It's not easy to wake up every single day and make that choice to love that person no matter what, even if they were a huge jerk the day before, etc.

In order to avoid financial problems, we redid our budget every single month. That really helped because we always knew how much money we'd have at any given time and what we could spend. I did run into a problem when my insurance stopped covering my birth control, but that got sorted out and we're good now.

2. The marriage itself isn't hard, but being a partner is hard for me. Like I said, I am a control freak and very independent.

I totally agree with that. I'm a Type A neat/clean freak and he is totally not. So we compromise on that but it works for us. I just had to learn to deal with the fact he's not always going to keep everything clean and tidy.

Being apart all summer and then some has made us closer, though. Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder.

Unfortunately I can't say anything else on here about it because our marriage is also based on biblical principles.

I don't find being married hard or difficult, but I do find that it takes time, energy and thought. My husband and I have never had a fight as such, but we do pretty much constantly discuss things in order to avoid fights. That kind of dedication to communication takes a lot of mental energy. You have to constantly work at a marriage to ensure it keeps working. Maybe that's what people mean by hard, but for me, hard is something I give up on. A challenge, however, is something I keep striving for.

Helen

Although marriage requires some work and compromise, the benefits are really worth it. Though I suppose if people find that it's truly NOT worth it, sooner or later they get divorced. Personally, I find that marriage is a lot easier when you don't have kids. Although some people say that children bring a couple closer together, I believe the opposite is true. If a marriage is shaky to begin with, having a baby will likely bring it to an end.