Unfortunatly, James' paternal grandfather was just diagnosed with acute leukemia (I know there are types, and I don't know which he has...). Which means in all probability, he's got less than a year to live. With either type, the chance of surviving to one year is under 30%. I've seen statistics that cite as low as 15% chance.

So, any thoughts on talking to a five year old about someone passing away? Without scaring the living daylights out of the kid?

James has a pretty basic understanding of what cancer is (that came about when he asked about what breast cancer ribbons are - he knows that every day your cells grow, and that sometimes, some of them will go wrong, and grow too fast, and the doctor has to take those cells out of your body), and he's aware that death exists as a concept - he's hear about it in shows and movies and stuff, but the closest it's come to him is when my aunts cat died when he was 3. We told him that the cat had to go to the hospital, and the doctor said that the cat was too sick to come home. :/

We generally pride ourselves on being age appropriately honest with him (even the cat thing was age appropriately true for a three year old...), but I'm kind of stuck on this one.

Depending on all kinds of things, the survival rate may be better. I've known people with ALL who lived for 13 years after diagnosis, and I've know people with ALM, which is supposed to have worse numbers, who had bone marrow transplants and beat it.
I want you to have some hope....

As for James, what we did with the grandkids was tell them, "Mommy is very, very sick." As things progressed and it was necessary to brace them, they were told that the doctors don't have any more treatments for Mommy, so she may die. They cried, she cried, my son cried, but then the discussion was tabled until they had questions. As they digest the realities, there are questions, there is some magical thinking and hoping,but we let them lead us.

I've consulted with a good friend who is a psychologist and she guides us. One thing that she stressed is that when the end comes, we should not use euphemisms. Telling children that anyone "expired", "is sleeping with the angels", or even "passed" can be confusing. As harsh as it sounds, "Grandpa died this morning" may be the best way, should he not beat this.

I'm sorry your family has to deal with this. It is the hardest part of life, and children James' age are old enough to feel the loss, but not old enough to make sense of it. I hope things go well.

Hugs...
xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

I agree with Christine, be honest and use proper words, don't try to soften the blow by using baby talk or euphemisms.

Children are innocent and none of us want to see them loose that innocence but James is a bright boy, it won't take him long to work it out if you're not up front and honest with him.

I know stranger things have happened, but this is a guy with a pretty dodgy family history (his own father passed away around the age he is now, and quite suddenly) and he wasn't coming into this in the healthiest of shape to begin with anyway. So optimism is fantastic, and I generally believe in it, but in this case, I'm not sure the numbers are quite on our side.

Jim seems to have mentally prepared himself for six months. Now he's talked to his dad, and I actually haven't (and I know the next time I'd see him face to face would probably be Christmas at the soonest). So I don't know if that's just what Jim has mentally prepared himself to have happen, or if that's the actual prognosis.

And I guess fortunatly, or unfortunatly (depending on your perspective), he doesn't live near us. So this isn't a reality, and a loss, that James will be left facing on a day to day basis. We see him three or four times a year. So Christmas will change, and his birthday will be a little different, and that's about it. :/

I heard and appreciate your posts, I just want to throw out there that when I say "He's probably got a year", I'm not being nearly as Debbie Downer as it sounds, haha...

^I didn't think you were D. D. I know that doctors try to prepare families based on statistics, because as they put it, "If there is anything you want to do or say, now is the time." In reality, no matter how smart or experienced the medical professionals, no one knows for sure when the end will come. I just wanted to give you hope because I am a great believer in its power.

As far as this goes with James, because death is a part of our human condition, the fact that he doesn't have day to day contact with his grandfather may allow him to "learn the ropes" without the complicated grief or feelings of abandonment that sometimes happens when children are so young or suffer a huge loss like the loss of a parent or a grandparent who is part of their daily existence. Unfortunately, some kids learn about death at a much younger age than others.

I wish you all well on this journey. I'm glad your husband is braced for the worst. It will be hard on him, I'm sure, and therefore hard on you too, at times.

As wonderful as life is, it can also be hard.

xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

My grandfather was diagnosed with Bone Cancer just six weeks after my daughter was born, and so it was very much in the background for the first few years that he may not be around to see her grow up. She also got used to her Papa being not like her other great grandparents to I suppose. When she had just turned three the cancer very rapidly progressed over a short period of time and moved into my beloved grandfathers brain and he was moved to a hospital and we were told that it was now a matter of weeks or days. My mum and I went to stay with my Mama for this time, and stayed in their house while Mama spent most of the time in the hospital with Papa. Even given her young age, we regularly took her to visit her Papa in hospital, and even when he wasn't very lucid, she seemed to just understand the gravity of the situation, and would quite often just snuggle into a corner of the bed and just pat his hand, or stroke his cheek, and quite often for a very long time-much longer than you would normally credit a three year old with the patience for. I know in my heart that Papa knew she was there at all times, and found peace in these small shows of affection. We were always honest about the fact that Papa was going to pass away, which meant that we would not be able to see him any more, but that we could always share our feelings and speak to him in other ways, just that he would not answer back. She seemed to cope with this. When a few weeks later he did pass away, she was at the funeral, and was such a comfort to all of the family members as she was the only greatgranchild at this time... My grandmother was most insistent that she had to be there so that she understood what had happened and new that this was where her Papa was now, and to get to say goodbye. She still asks now at eight about her Papa, and she can remember him not only as a person in her own little way, but can also remember "giving him loves"in hospital and the funeral.

I would say this, do not underestatimate what your child abosrbs from you even if they are not fully involved. Being open and honest as I think from reading previous posts you always try to be is the most important thing. I cannot remember actually telling Maddy straight up that Papa was dying, but just letting her ask questions and I suppose from talking to us all and being involved in the situation even at three, helped immensley rather than her just absorbing bits and peices from overheard conversations and trying to put it all together in her own little way.

Either way - good luck, and all the best for you and your family over the coming months...

I got a text from Jim this afternoon, and my FIL has AML Subtype M2. I was told he'd tell me the rest when he got home. :/ From what I've googled, subtype M2 means that some of the cancerous cells have begun to take on the charecteristics of blood cells, which from reading the descriptions of the other stages, seems to mean that they caught it pretty early. But that's all googling and trying to decipher for myself (off the American Leukemia Society website, or some such...). So I might be wildly off.

Everything I've read also reads that leukemia is quite rare in adults (less than 11,000 cases a year). He's never been one for doing things by the book.

My paternal grandfather died when I was 5 too, but he had a heart attack so it was sudden and unexpected(he was only 54). My mom used the whole "your grandfather went to heaven" thing and told me that everyone eventually dies and such. I don't know if your family is religious but that's something you could do if you are. I wasn't ever traumatized by it or anything, but then again I only saw him about once a year since he lived so far away. I think the worst part was seeing how sad my dad was.

Since Kenzie has been born we have had quite a few family members pass away.
My Nana passed when he was only 9 months old, so obviously he was way too young to understand, but we always mention his Gran-nan and that she lives in Heaven.
His paternal great Grandfather passed 2 years ago and again we said that his Grandad Jack now lived in heaven.
In September my Uncle died. He had been ill for many years and Kenzie was totally unfaised when we told him that Uncle Alan had died and gone to live in heaven.
We didn't want death to be a scary subject that was never spoken about. We always talk about those who have passed and look at pictures of them. To Kenzie Heaven in a place that is full of love and happiness.

Queenie xx

James seems like a super bright kid, according to other posts.

I am not a mother so please take my advice as a grain of salt. I asked my boyfriend who is a coroner and how he deals with talking about death with little children.

I would just tell him "Honey, grandpa died this morning" and ask him if he has questions.

Something to avoid doing according to my boyfriend is " He died in his sleep". He said that if you tell children this, they will be afraid to go to sleep for ages. They will equate going to sleep with never waking up.
Another thing to avoid is mentioning heaven if he wasn't raised that way. My bf said some parents bring up the heaven talk when the child wasn't brought up in a religious manner. He said this confuses them a lot because death is a "sad" thing but mommy told the kid that a sad thing turns into a super happy heaven. The whole sadness to happiness thing is a bad idea, if they weren't aware of the concept of heaven before the whole death thing.
Don't change belief systems on him, just to try and make the situation less scary. They need a solid rock and consistency, and they need the fallback of familiarity of mothers previous teachings.

So I got the scoop last night.

The subtype M2 is, by AML standards anyway, among the least agressive, so his oncologist was hopeful on that front. And they don't believe he was sick for very long before they discovered the leukemia, also cause for hope on the part of the oncologist. And he was in good health prior, also cause for hope. (ETA: Scratch that. Now that some of the swelling in his spleen has gone down, they believe he might have gallstones, which killed a little of that "you were in good health when you got here!" optimism...)

He's on chemo pretty well round the clock for the next week, then they'll stop for a week, and reevaluate his bone marrow test results and decide how to proceed.

They did talk some with the family about stem cells, and bone marror donations and whatnot, but said that neither my husband or his sister (as in, Jims sister, not as in my FILs sister) were viable donors, because half of their DNA would match to their dad, which wouldn't help. They said the first person they'd go to for donations would be my FILs sister, but not to panic about that yet, because we hadn't really gotten that far.

He evidentally has a quite enlarged spleen too, but the doctors seem to believe that the chemo will shrink that.

He went into the hospital yesterday morning, he'll be there six weeks. We're planning to go back again over Thanksgiving weekend.

Thanks for your help everybody, you've given me alot to think about.