Last Tuesday we celebrated Halloween at the studio where I teach on (you guessed it...) Tuesdays. The kids came in costumes, suitable to dance in, we had special activities for all levels, and the requisite treats at the end of each class.

My first group is a class of 5 year-olds. This is one of my favorite ages to teach, and I'm really happy to have them after two years of only older students. One little girl in the class is ADHD (my diagnosis). Every week when her mom drops her off, Mom's parting words are: "Look at me. Focus! Make sure you listen to Miss Nancy!" She barks these orders with a scowl on her face, and then she leaves. I really feel for the kid, who already has a chip on her shoulder, and knows she is "different."

For our Halloween celebration, in walked said little girl in a gorgeous, voluminous dress, covered with tiny green leaves of chiffon. They wafted as she moved and this created a shimmery effect. She had matching arm bands and head decor. Mom must have spent a fortune on this one.

The other girls asked, almost all at once: "What are you?" The girl and mom answered together: "Poison Ivy!" I told the girl that she looked absolutely beautiful, and turned my head for two seconds. Two seconds too long -- the other kids started running away from Poison Ivy, screaming: "Eeeooo! We can't get near you because you are POISON!"

I gathered them and explained that it was only the name of the costume; the leaves, in fact, were not even the shape of poison ivy. And to me this girl looked like a beautiful Queen of the Harvest. Now, the girls probably had no idea what I was talking about, but it sounded important. So they calmed down and allowed the Queen to interact with them. The rest of the class went fine.

What mother, in her right mind, knowing that her child has issues, would dress her in a costume that might further alienate her from the rest of the class? It never ceases to amaze me...

My thought is that it did not even cross her mind. I also bet that she does not think that others consider her daughter different. She seems oblivious to much.

I doubt she had any idea the other kids would react to the costume that way. It's hard to guess what will set kids off.

My first thoughts went to Batman so I'm of no help. Kids get latched onto certain things and want to be them. This year I saw a little girl dressed as Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany's, a girl dressed up as Toddlers and Tiara's complete with winning championship sash, a girl dressed as a box of French Fries, a girl dressed as Mary Poppins, one dressed as a die, and one as Batgirl. You just never know what character is going to trip their trigger.

I agree, Mom didn't think that she would be different. As far as Halloween costumes go, it seems kids dress as anything! Although I wasn't there, kids can be playful. She WAS poison ivy, the game would be to stay away. (Although even playing can be hurtful sometimes.) It sounds like you wrangled them together and got things straightened.

I would also caution you from labeling diagnosis. When we label an individual, we start to treat them in ways that encourage that label (even subconsciously.) And children and people begin to behave according to their label (even if they don't know it.) While we are always on the look out for things that should be addressed by a doctor, I think it's typically best to deal with the behavior at hand. Maybe she is ADHD or maybe she's having a crazy day or maybe the class is during her normal nap time or maybe she's a bright child looking for further stimulation from the class... doesn't really matter. What really matters is that you are working with each individual to improve her skills.

And while I am stepping down, I also understand the ease of labeling a student to a forum... we instantly have a picture that you didn't need to describe. Still, I felt it necessary to state my caution.

^^Thanks for your caution, DaDancingPsych. The reason I wrote that it was my diagnosis was to give a quick picture of the situation to a group of peers who would understand. Perhaps that is not her clinical diagnosis (if there has been one). But it's that cluster of behaviors that so many of us recognize as dance teachers.

I partially agree with you about labels. People can start to "live down to their reputation." Some may villainize or distance from an ADHD-diagnosed child; others may use it as an excuse to let the child run wild: "Oh, she's got ADHD, so there's not much we can do." I'll add, however, that others distance from kids who are "different" whether or not there is a label. The behaviors speak for themselves sometimes. With my son, who was diagnosed with ADHD, it was a relief to have a name to call his disorder. Then I could research it and have expert guidance in how best to help him. I could tell a friend's mom that this is what he has, so if he does x-y-z, this is how we handle it. Labels can hinder, but sometimes they can help.

In this case, I am more concerned with the mother's interaction with her child than with mine or the other kids'. Unfortunately I get the feeling that Mom thinks she is helping with her pre-class reminders, but the way she delivers them tells the daughter that she is "damaged goods," diagnosis or not. For the most part, the other kids are still very accepting.

And I don't think it was actually the costume, which could have passed for any fairy or princess costume, in grand style (it was really amazing). It was the NAME of the costume that I'd have side-stepped, calling her a forest fairy or something. Mom seemed to feel especially proud that the costume was supposed to be poison ivy, as if that costume really described her child. I believe, subconsciously, she was passing on that message to her child and to others. And possibly, by going overboard on the costume, she DID want her child to stand out, in the wrong way.

Yes, the kids were just playing, when they made a game of running away from Poison Ivy, but from the look on this child's face, it was no game to her. It was hurtful. I chose not to call this to the others' attention, preferring to divert, which worked fine.

I'm sure the mother is grateful that her daughter has found an activity she loves (reports are that she dances all over the house, showing what she has learned in class). She may or may not get that part of the reason her child feels comfortable in my class is because I do not scowl and imply that she is damaged goods. I can re-focus her behaviors most of the time, keep her integrated in the group, AND praise her for good efforts, in terms of dance and behavior. I let her know that I am glad she is there, and that she is a valued member of class.

I don't think it would have mattered what she wore they would have made something out of it, kids are nasty like that! If a child is different they will take every opportunity to re-enforce that difference and Halloween is as good a reason as any.

My thoughts went straight to Batman too.

I would have felt the same way you did NDOW. Why would a mother dress-up her daughter who is 5 as poisen ivy? I have been teaching this age group for a long time and never come across that one. Poor child! You handled it so well.

I had a 4 year old dressed as batgirl this year. I also had a black widow spider, lots of vampires, zombies. These are halloween themes and considered normal, not the same thing as dressing a young child up as poisen ivy in my mind. That would be like a mother dressing her 5 year old daughter up as a skunk. Probably would have gotten the same recoil reaction.

loverofballet wrote:

I would have felt the same way you did NDOW. Why would a mother dress-up her daughter who is 5 as poisen ivy? I have been teaching this age group for a long time and never come across that one. Poor child! You handled it so well.

I had a 4 year old dressed as batgirl this year. I also had a black widow spider, lots of vampires, zombies. These are halloween themes and considered normal, not the same thing as dressing a young child up as poisen ivy in my mind. That would be like a mother dressing her 5 year old daughter up as a skunk. Probably would have gotten the same recoil reaction.

Unless we can get into her mind, we cannot assume that. I have seen parents just being inventive and they do not think that anyone, with all of the crazy costumes out there, will have issues.

Yes, I think, my daughter thinks, my friends think, of all considerations, but not all people do that. It could just be that she thought it was pretty and a cute idea. I do not like to judge people from circumstantial evidence.

Either way, you handled it, superbly, and all is well, for now.

^^ Yes, all is well for now, especially since classes are cancelled for today -- power is out still in that area.

But I have to say, I'm very concerned about this child, and the relationship she seems to have with Mother (at least on Tuesdays from 4 to 4:45 p.m.). I'll keep my eye on this one.

But the whole point of dressing up at Halloween is that you dress up as something scary. Poison Ivy was a great idea, the mum would surely never have thought the other kids would take it any different than any other costume.

I don't think it a lack of parental intelligence at all. DD went out last night dressed as a witch, ds as a Pokemon (don't ask) nephew as a ghost pirate and neice as a black cat.

And teachers should not make diagnoses of pwrceived conditions. You may in your experience detect a pattern of behaviour and perhaps express your concerns to a parent that they may like to consult with a medical professional but to label an undoagnosed child I have always been taught (recently did a course with a leading SEN/begavioural difficulties specialist) is not on.

I've got to tell you, I feel as if I'm being crucified here. I APOLOGIZE to all who feel I've committed every wrong under the sun! I'm not trying to be Dr. NDow. I think I've covered that in my posts, for any who care to read the entire thread, before hurling accusations at me. I do agree that some people don't think, and if Mom had thought about it, then maybe there would not have been the ugly scene that developed. And I do think it was a really dumb thing for her to make a big deal, with all the kids listening, about the daughter being poison ivy, and thus making her daughter the center of attention, in a costume that was calling attention to her anyway. This is a child who does NOT need that. Nor does she need her mom delivering loud "BEHAVE!" messages before every class, in front of everyone. If I'm jumping to conclusions, trying to figure out what is going on in this mom's head, forgive me for trying to understand. If I'm judgmental because I've seen this mom's interactions with the girl for several weeks now, and I'm having strong gut feelings about things being amiss here, with the child suffering because of it, then I stand by my "judgmental" attitude. My concern here is for the well-being of this child. Period.

^ I happen to think your post showed compassion for the child, tried to briefly bring all readers up to speed on the child, and wasn't out of line at all.

I had a Halloween Party that could have been used as as training for stupid parents anonymous and I completely sympathize with your frustrations and concern for the child. I won't hijack your thread with the details, but suffice to say the children weren't the first concern of the parents.

Your quick thinking, "Queen of the Harvest" was an excellent idea.

Hugs to you.

Keep On Dancing*

NDow wrote:

^^ Yes, all is well for now, especially since classes are cancelled for today -- power is out still in that area.

But I have to say, I'm very concerned about this child, and the relationship she seems to have with Mother (at least on Tuesdays from 4 to 4:45 p.m.). I'll keep my eye on this one.

I truly believe in listening to that "inner voice". I have learned to listen to mine. It's like police detectives who use their instincts. They cannot prove it, but they just know.

Keep an eye on her. Follow your heart.

I can really feel your concern for this child. It is an odd costume choice in my opinion.......I wish all tachers were as concerned about their students as you are.

I too think you handled it perfectly. We dance teacher may not be doctors, but we certainly feel with our hears in such a special way. This little girl is so fortunate to have you as her teacher!

Update: She won't be back next semester. I found out on the last day of class before Holiday Break. Dad has to relocate the family because of work. They will be living in India.

Well, that takes care of any of your issues. Hopefully, in India, because they will all be different, that it won't matter.

If she dresses up like poisen ivy in India, she probably wouldn't get the same reaction as in the U.S.

^I think that's a pretty safe assumption, loverofballet! I'm not sure what she will be facing, but it will be different from her life here, that's for sure! I pray that this new start is a good one for her.