I *might* have figured out what messed me up so much yesterday. I accidentally took the wrong BC pill. Google searches are inconclusive as to how it can effect you, but it was a higher dose than I was supposed to take yesterday. Definitely could've made me a little wackier than usual. I had FIVE panic attacks. Boy took pity on me and invited me to spend the night with him. I don't think it helped. I still tossed and turned and fidgeted. I *might* have gotten 5 hours of sleep. I'm one of those people that needs a solid 8 hours to function. A nap is definitely in order before party prep. Though I'm not much feeling in a party mood. Hopefully after a nap, a decent lunch, and actually starting to prep, I will. Oh and kitten cuddles. Those fix everything.

Got sidetracked by work, anyway...
I also think I've been trying to push this whole "break" thing out of my head and now agreed upon time has come. We agreed to fulfill our social obligations up through this weekend, but then no in person contact for 30 days. It's been bubbling in my subconscious, then decides to poke its little head out periodically. Honestly, that's probably why I was a panicky mess yesterday. I'm sure the BC screw up and my general job stress didn't help, but that was probably what pushed me over the edge. I can take supplements, eat whole foods, do silks, and write until the cows come home, but at one point or another I'm going to have to stare this sucker in the face. We need this. It's the best thing for both of us right now. As much as we love each other, we can't be the best partner for the other one right now. We don't want to close the door on a relationship forever or cut each other out. Sometimes loving each other just isn't enough. He's still got a lot of self confidence issues he wants to work on. I've got, well, I think everyone knows what I have to work through at this point. It hurts like hell, but it has to be done.

After 30 days, we'll see what happens (funnily enough, it also happens to be Valentine's Day). Time to face the reality that I won't see him for a month. The longest I've gone without seeing him since we started dating is 2 weeks. I think I may need to dig up my copy of the break up book and give it a good, thorough read. I also may want to redo some of the Self Love Bootcamp exercises. At least I have a game plan this time around. I keep telling myself (and he keeps telling me, too) that it isn't over forever. We just need to work on ourselves and try again. We both want to make it work and we're willing to do pretty much anything to work toward that. We never actually took a break from each other the first time around, so this will really be our first attempt at something like this. I just have to trust that this is the right decision and whatever is meant to be will happen. There's a lesson to be learned from every experience, especially negative ones. I just have to remain open and willing to learn whatever this part of my life wants to throw at me. I think that'll be my mantra starting Monday.

Urg.

Had a productive therapy session. We talked about ways to keep myself from getting stuck in the cycle of depression and anxiety. The four parts are creativity, exercise, self care, & spirituality. When you're doing something creative (dance, knitting, writing), it works a different part of your brain and quiets the depressive/anxious part down. Exercise is pretty obvious. Endorphins are your friends. Self care is doing nice things for yourself and taking care of yourself. My therapist actually told me to go buy myself a new outfit or get a pedicure. Spirituality is about connecting with the greater world and remembering there is something bigger than me and my problems. I'm going to have to make myself do a lot of it, but the benefits are undeniable. I've got the 3 hour "boot camp" tonight that I know I'm going to have to force myself to go to. It's better than just sitting in my apartment moping.

I think the worst part is I feel like I've lost all my support. J and Boy were my two biggest cheerleaders back when I decided to get my life together. They were there for me no matter what and now I feel like I'm losing both of them. I know that's not true, but that's how it feels.

Planning a wedding on a budget is no small feat and J has been anticipating this for years. I wasn't the best friend to her I could've been when they got engaged or shortly thereafter. It also still drives home the point that I'm the only one still not married. I don't want to get married right now, but it's hard to not feel insecure when everyone else around you has already done it. Both my former sponsor and therapist assured me that it was totally valid and okay to be hurting. My therapist also got married older (30+) and she went through the same thing when she was my age. J's engagement pictures went up on Facebook yesterday and I just got angry. And I felt really guilty for that reaction.

And then there's Boy. I truly don't understand why he feels this is going to help, but I do know that if we don't do something differently, nothing will change (holy run on sentence, Batman!). I guess if he doesn't have me to rely on for social engagements, he'll expand his social circle? I'm really, really glad to have today off. I've been crying off and on all morning.

I know my friends aren't abandoning me and I'm strong enough to get through this. I just have to actually succeed to really believe it. *sigh* I think I'll take myself to Lush and buy some more bath things. That sounds like a nice self care gift.

I like your therapists four part theory. That really sounds like it could work for us sensitive creatives. I might have to give it a try myself.

I'm sorry you're so down my love. There must be something in the water, huh? I'm here if you need to verbally 'blah'. Hugs.

^Always lovely to see your virtual presence in my diary.

That CESS (creative, exercise, self care, & spiritual) thing seems to be working. I'll be darned. I dragged myself out to silks boot camp last night and actually had a lot of fun. I wasn't nearly as strong as everyone else there, but I poured my little heart into it. I even went out with a few people for a later dinner afterwards. It was really nice to interact with new people and not feel left out at all. There was a time where I would've just gone home, pleading work the next day, but it was totally worth it. It was nice to step outside my comfort zone a bit. The food was also really good. I need to go to this place more often. I felt a million times better going home than I did when I left.

I'm actually not as sore as I thought I would be. I'm going back for 2 hours tonight and then I'm meeting a friend for a dance class on Wednesday. I also texted another friend to see if she wanted to do dinner Friday night. She got a gift certificate for Christmas from her brother and her husband won't be back from deployment until after it expires. So I get to reap the benefits. Hopefully she's free and up for it. I definitely *don't* need to be moping around in my apartment right now.

I texted J yesterday afternoon to see if she was interested in meeting up after work this week. I haven't gotten a reply yet, so I figure if I haven't heard from her by tomorrow night, I'll send her a FB message. I know she uses it all the time at work. I'm trying not to jump to the conclusion that she's ignoring me. Her phone is old and not very good, so it's possible she hasn't even gotten the text yet. I want to try and clear things up once and for all. Plus, I still owe her a Christmas present. Fingers crossed.

Well, J was ignoring me after all. I sent her a message and got a long response back. She said that she appreciated my apology and my efforts to mend fences, but she's still mad. She has no interest in seeing me for the forseeable future and she called me a bad friend. It hurt. It also poked a pretty big hole in who I thought I was. I've always thought of myself as very loyal and she pretty much called me a traitor. While I can't argue with that assessment, it means I need to take a long, hard look at myself. At least now I have an answer. I know that she won't be in my life for the time being. I guess I can stop knitting the pot holders...

I feel like I've been playing emotional whack a mole for the past 2 months. I'll sort out one problem and then another one will pop up in its place. I'm exhausted, frazzled, and am definitely *NOT* the person I want to be right now. It's all me now. I don't have Boy or J to support me right now. I have a support system, and a wonderful one at that, but those two were always my anchors. Maybe I relied on them too heavily and that lead to the situation I'm in now. I've hit another bottom and it's time to make some hard choices.

I ended up skipping dance last night and spent the evening in with my dad and the kittens. I now haven't gotten exercise 2 nights in a row, but I have a private silks lesson tonight. That always cheers me up. I talked to my boss and told him I'm a hot mess, so work shouldn't be a problem. He said as long as I get my work done, he doesn't much care. He even agreed to let me make up the time I've missed so I don't have to use my time off. Of course, I'd still rather crawl in a hole and die right now.

I talked to my therapist and she believes I can get through this. I took the initiative with J instead of just letting it sit. She thinks a lot of what was said was her emotional knee jerk and not fully based in reality. I guess that makes me feel better. Also, no one understands Boy's logic either. I suppose that makes me feel less crazy. I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Or get thrown at me.

I suppose the positive is I can start over. I've certainly gotten through worse. I can decide where I want to go from here. Who do I want to become? What are my goals? What am I doing to work toward those goals? Am I willing to do what it takes to get there? Who do I want to surround myself with? How can I handle a situation like this better in the future? Definitely a lot to think about. I think this can turn out well, but it won't be easy. Or quick. Or painless. *sigh*

Two hours of silk work certainly puts things in perspective. Thanks to traffic, I was late to my class. The teacher offered to let me take the higher level class since I missed the one I was supposed to take. I thought that was sweet of her. Then I had my private lesson. We worked on climbing for a bit. It's actually a lot harder than it looks. I think I've got the mechanics down, but I lack the strength to actually execute it. It was fun to learn, though. We worked on a few other poses and she gave me some exercises to help get my pullover back.

When I knew I was going to be late to class, I took myself out to dinner (self care ). I got a salmon BLT and a cup of cream of mushroom soup. OMG, it was SO good. What made it even better is I didn't feel gross taking class after that. I think I'm definitely ready to take the whole food, low carb, gluten free, grass fed, organic challenge. If that's how I feel when I eat like that, bring it on! I don't even normally like salmon, but I actually loved this sandwich. And what was even better is I was full after half of it and the soup. So the other half is sitting in my fridge. Dinner tonight, anyone? Speaking of dinner...

My friend and I discovered the gift certificate is only valid Sunday-Thursday. Lame. So we postponed dinner until Monday. However, that means I have time to go to dance tonight. I've missed pretty much the entire free week at the studio. I think I'm going to do a barre and stretch class (not free), then a belly dance class (free!). My abs need to be whipped into shape like whoa. By the time I get home, I'll probably just want to take a bath, watch an episode of Burn Notice, and go to bed.

I'm glad this week is over. It SUCKED.

I'm really sorry, Em. That does suck about your friend. Just give it some time, for now. Mail her a "missing you" card and tell her you are thinking about her. That's about all you can do right now. You've already apologized and owned up to being a butt. Give yourself points for that. Don't beat yourself up.

Hugs, kk~

^She wouldn't go for that. Any reconciliation is going to be made on her terms and she made that pretty clear. I figure I'll just go on about my business until (or if) she gets over it.

This is horrible. I'm stuck at work for another 2 hours with NOTHING TO DO BUT THINK. There's only so much I can find online to entertain myself and it's not like I can whip out a book and read or something. So naturally I'm driving myself crazy over my interpersonal issues. The longer I'm stuck sitting here, the more upset I get. Maybe I'll go hide in my car for a bit and listen to music or write. It's not like I'm shirking work...

Guess who's taking a trapeze class tomorrow? This girl!

I think I need to move to Atlanta! We don't have any of these cool classes here. Plus, I'm a sicko who loves hot weather and humidity.

Have fun!!!

^You should. I, personally, can't stand humidity because it makes my hair frizz like there's no tomorrow. And I'm not nuts about sweating. Unless it's a hot yoga class, of course.

I'm a little nervous, but I think it'll be fun. I was nervous before my first silks class, too. Everyone I've met in the aerial community is super nice and quirky, so it's not like they'll shove me in a locker. I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and meet new people. I can kill two birds with one stone in one class. I also discovered they have an hour and a half silks class on Thursdays, but I can't go this Thursday. Hopefully they'll extend it into next month, too.

I slept for almost 12 hours which is exactly what I needed. I'm going to make a point of getting to bed early tonight. I have to come in early all week to make up the time I missed last week. I could've used my time off, but my boss said he'd allow me to make it up, so why waste it? I want to get up in enough to time to have a shower, meditate, have some tea, and not feel like I'm rushing out the door. I started showering at night and I don't think that works for me as well. Showering in the morning helps wake me up. Always important.

I gave myself a little retail therapy yesterday. Kohl's was having a sale and I scored 13 items for less than $200. I got 3 new dresses, a skirt, 2 nicer tops, a new pair of heels, and some underwear. It has to be shipped so I won't get them until next week, but it's something to look forward to. In the meantime, I'm going through my current wardrobe and cleaning out everything I don't wear, doesn't fit, or I just don't like any more. I need some new tights, but I can gimp along on the ones I have until I can get to Target or Marshall's. I definitely feel the amped up self care and I'm sure once I start wearing clothes I love, I'll feel even better.

I restarted the Radical Self Love Bootcamp. I figured since I've been having such a hard time recently, it can't hurt to have a little reminder of what I'm really working toward. It's nice to have a set activity and guided writing assignments each day. I even went back and read what I wrote on Day 2 last time I did it. My priorities were definitely different, but I think the core issue is the same. I'm not embracing my ability to define who I am. I'm still letting external pressure do that or my past or something else that has little or nothing to do with me. I can choose who I want to be and where I want to go. I don't have to be chained to what happened to me or where I used to be. I don't have to do what I used to do. I can develop the confidence in myself to grab life by the balls and show it where to go. Not the other way around. I have support if I need it, but I don't need to run every single decision by someone else first. I don't need to rely on someone else's opinion. Then I lose my own voice. I know the mistakes I made and how not to repeat them. I can start fresh and strong. I don't have to worry about what happened yesterday or will happen tomorrow. I can be proud of who I am and what I do today. And I fully intend on doing it.

I didn't end up going to trapeze because my abs and hips hurt too dang much. They have a class on Wednesday, so I'll go then. It's also only $10 which is the cheapest I've found anywhere. Cheap is good.

I might get nabbed for jury duty on Valentine's Day. I'm NOT happy about it. I'm on standby so there's a chance I won't have to go. It's a Tuesday, so maybe they won't need a large pool like on Monday? I'm cursed when it comes to that. I've been called 3 times since I turned 18. Perhaps the jury duty gods will smile on me.

I made a point of dressing up, putting on make up, and wearing jewelry today. I think it helped my attitude. I feel more confident and prepared. I've actually got nicer outfits picked out for the rest of the week. After the debacle that was last week, I'm ready to tackle this week like the BAMF that I am. I'm going to spend time with some girlfriends, do lots of silks, and celebrate a friend's birthday. And I will do so in these fabulous shoes. I got them for a total steal. $100 originally and I got them for $32. Who is a shopping goddess? This girl!

Now all I need is more tights and my mini wardrobe overhaul will be complete. I think a trip to Target on my lunch break is in order.

I was inspired by Nienna's post. Things I want out of life:

1. To be happy in my own skin
2. Houses/flats in several locations around the world (nowhere cold, mind you)
3. To have a loving, supportive, and happy relationship
4. To travel a lot
5. Speak 6 languages
6. Start my own charity or foundation OR give signficantly to a cause I'm already passionate about
7. A chaffeur and a maid (what? I hate driving and cleaning )
8. Tons of animals. Cats, dogs, horses, maybe even a chicken or two
9. To never wear pants again. A wardrobe full of dresses, skirts, and fabulous heels.
10. To take it one step further, I'd like to design & construct most of my own clothes.
11. To be surrounded by creative, supportive, loving, and wonderful friends who know when I need a reality check and when I just need a hug.
12. Lots of laughter
13. To be my own boss in a career I really love
14. To help other people on the journey I've had to face
15. To eat a lot of whole, good foods and a lot less junk

I'm hoping life is about to start getting better. A lot of unresolved issues have come to a resolution within the past 24 hours. I'm not thrilled with some of it, but the right choice isn't always one you're jumping up and down about. I've got silks tonight, so that's something to look forward to. I've actually got something going on every night the rest of the week. Trapeze class tomorrow, dinner with A on Thursday, and my friend's birthday on Friday.

I'm wearing my Bettie Page flower today. I figured I might as well channel my inner bombshell. I'm not feeling terribly fabulous and bombshell-ish, but the effort was made. I keep trying to remind myself that feeling down is a choice and I can choose to not let it get to me. Nothing that has happened recently was my fault. It's all other peoples' issues. I can't be responsible for that. All I'm responsible for is how I react. Right now, the best thing for *me* is to keep busy and keep my head down. I also keep trying to remind myself that I have to do what's best for me. I have to put myself first, be my own best friend, and work it out.

I have a gazillion hangups about work. Today, for example, I woke up with a migraine. I get ocular migraines which cause me to see spots. It can obscure up to 80% of my vision for up to 2 hours. Clearly, I can't drive when this happens. I sent my boss a text saying I would be late and he was totally cool about it. I feel insanely guilty when I call out for any reason. And it's from all the years of negative experiences I've had working full time.

Ignoring entirely the sexual harassment I suffered in my first job, we were nickeled and dimed to within an inch of our lives. I wasn't a full time employee, so if I didn't work, I didn't get paid. I would have to show up sick, injured, or whatever if I wanted a paycheck. And they were mean about it, too. They also tried to claim I was going to shoot up the workplace or something (a hilarious story in retrospect). Then when I got my new job, I was fired after 4 months because of some woman's agenda that didn't include me. I was also accused of padding my resume. Low blow, lady. Low blow.

Now I'm here and I KNOW this is a company that values the quality of the people. They offer yoga classes twice a week during lunch. I get 12 days off and 6 sick days a year (which is more than I've ever gotten). But all that old baggage is still here. I still feel like I'm going to get a talking to when I come in after being out. My boss is really chill and genuinely cares about his employees. The same with everyone up the food chain. I just can't seem to shake all that previous abuse. Yes, my job is boring. But it's not bad. They don't mistreat me. They don't put forth unrealistic expectations. I'm not sure how to shake these issues, but I want to. I want to not be afraid when I call out because I'm sick or can't see. I want to feel confident that they're not looking for a reason to fire me at every turn.

I never ran into any of this working part time retail. However, I also probably never worked anywhere long enough to run afoul of the politics. So, loyal readers, I pose you this question. How do I move past this issue? How do I learn how to trust after being beaten down by the system? Where do I go from here?

I really understand where you are coming from. My last job was hell. I was a part time keyholder that was expected to work full time hours one week and then have 5 hours the next week. We were a small store so we had 8 employees including management. We were treated awful. Me being a keyholder I was expected to show up for work in blizzards, show up sick, expected to cover any shifts even if it meant skipping school. Things took a turn for the worst when we hired a new manager who was the same age as me. She realized that I wasn't going to be her buddy so she nailed me. Everything I did was wrong and she would verbally abuse me in front of customers. She would spend time texting or talking to her friends and expect me to do all of the work. When we found out our store was closing she decided to accuse me of stealing with no prove. She turned all of my co-workers that I worked with for 5 years against me.

Now I do like my job despite some of my petty co-workers. The management is pretty nice. They understand if the weather is bad and they understand about being sick. You could honestly go up to a manager and say " I'm really having a bad day and I can't handle work today" and they'll hug you and let you leave.( I've seen it happen ) They have fired a few people for getting customer complaints and for making major mistakes like letting a guest leave without paying a $100 bill.

I'm still stuck with severe anxiety and paranoia that I will be fired because of my last job and being treated like I was worthless. I do have to take a step back and realize these are two seperate companies with completely different management styles. Maybe because of your migraines ( I suffer from them as well) could you get a DR's note so you feel more comfortable having a valid document whenever you have to call in? That might ease your anxiety.

In the past eight years, I don't think I have had a single manager who has given me a hard time about calling in sick, and yet I still feel insanely guilty and irresponsible when I do it. Them's the breaks of having a decent work ethic, as far as I'm concerned. So here's what I do: I describe my symptoms to myself and pretend that it's a close friend or family member who's talking to me. How would I respond to that person? Would I say, "Well, maybe you should just go in for a bit and see how you feel"? Or would I say, "Good god, woman, settle down and get back in bed already"? So try it out. What would you say if a friend called you up and said, "Hey, Em, I have a migraine and I can't see well enough to drive safely. Do you think it's okay if I don't go to work until it's over?" Whatever sort of reassurance you would give that friend, that's what you should be saying to yourself.

Also, keep in mind that most companies do NOT want to fire good employees, or even mediocre employees, as long as they're getting the job done. It just takes too much time and money to fire someone and then recruit, screen, interview, hire, and train another person. Yes, there are always going to be weird situations here and there where people get fired for no good reason, but it's really pretty rare for that to happen. And it's even more rare for it to happen without the employee in question at least getting a warning first.

ballerinatwirler-Nice to know I'm not the only one who has this problem!

Jonelle-They recruited me really aggressively. I didn't go to them, they tracked me down off CareerBuilder. I have some hard to get securites licenses and apparently they had a really hard time finding people with my qualifications. Then they promoted me within 90 days of hire. Yet I'm still super paranoid. And you're right about the work ethic, too. I've always had a pretty good work ethic. It's hard because it's boring, but at the end of the day, my work is done and it's done correctly.

So I gave a little more thought to my work issues and looked at my current position a little more objectively. The main problem is I'm a creative, resourceful personality working within a highly regulated system. That's not a match made in heaven. However, the positives definitely outweigh that. They pay me well. They give me time off and don't give me a hard time when I use it. They let me show my tattoos. I don't have to go to work fully covered every day (though it's so cold in here, that's not necessarily an issue ). Even though my co-workers and I don't have much in common, they're still outwardly nice people. They don't make unreasonable requests of me. My boss and everyone above him is pretty chill. They get I have a life outside of work and I value that life. So, really, I was being pretty unfair to them for a while. I was holding the sins of past employers against them and that's not fair. I know I wouldn't want someone doing that to me. It's, unfortunately, normal for people who've been abused. The good news is it can be changed. I'm a big list maker and when I look at the pros and cons of where I am now, the pros definitely outweigh the cons. I'm starting to wear what I want to wear and not what everyone else wears. The funny thing is when I do that I'm actually dressed better than 90% of the people I work with. Dress for the job you want, right? I'm back to wearing my fascinators & fun jewelry. Again, I think I wasn't giving them enough credit. The only thing I've been outright told not to do is wear something that covers my head. I've been dressing how I want to rather than how everyone else dresses. The funny thing is when I do that, I'm dressed better than 90% of the people I work with.

I'm bummed I didn't get to go to trapeze last night, but inverting after I've had a migraine is a profoundly bad idea. I also interpret self care as listening to my body. I won't get any exercise until Saturday, but that's okay. As long as I hit the other three, I should be fine. I had a bit of a rough moment last night, but it passed pretty quickly. I dove into the self love work and really tried to just keep my mind off things. I watched a few episodes of Bones and did some knitting. Tonight I'm doing laundry at home, but I get a free dinner out of it. And kitten cuddle time. Tomorrow a bunch of us are going to see One for the Money for my friend's birthday. I'll have to go straight there from work, so I won't have any down time. Saturday is silks and by Saturday evening, most of my online purchases should have arrived. Yay! I can't wait to get all my new clothes and shoes. I've started only wearing stuff I really like. I'm slowly weeding out the stuff that makes me go "blah".

I'm feeling pretty good today. I think sorting out my issues with work and realizing what I was doing helped a ton. Now I can start to work against it and remind myself that I'm 1000 times better off here than I've been in any other position I've held. I'm also looking at taking up a new hobby. I've got a long list of things I want to try. I'm thinking of getting into pole more seriously. I have 4 classes that I got on sale that don't expire until June. The cross training probably wouldn't hurt either. They have a class on Thursdays I could make. I also have 9 hot yoga classes I haven't used. I also want to learn how to sew better, learn Italian, take riding lessons, & become a better marksman (markswoman?). So many choices, so much money.

I feel horrible. Emotionally, spiritually, and to a lesser extent physically. I'm ready to just give up. I'm ready to pick up the phone, beg Boy to reconsider, and go back to what we had. At least it's familiar, right? But I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made before. I'm not going to walk that same path. I have a choice. I always have a choice. I'm not going to self medicate with alcohol. I'm not going to sleep around. I'm not going to get another tattoo. I can do things differently.

I called out of work today and I've decided it's the last day I'm going to call out for 6 months. I'm not going to take any more unplanned days until June. I will be on time and work diligently while I'm at work. I'm going to go to silks as much as I can and use up the other classes I have (yoga & dance). I'm not going to stress about money. I'm paying off my debt & saving at the same time, something I didn't think was possible. I'm going to put good food into my body and be respectful of how it works best. I'm not going to criticize it for having fat in the wrong places or smile lines. I'm going to spend more time with the friends I have and start meeting new people. I'm not going to let other people's issues get to me. I'm going to toughen up a bit, but not in a negative way. I'm going to stop being so cynical and pessimistic. It turns people off. That's definitely not my goal.

Even after all the self love work I've done, I still feel like I don't deserve what I want. That will probably take a lot longer to undo. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am worthy of everything I want. It would also help if I had a clear vision of what I want.

I'm feeling better today. I slept for almost 12 hours and went out with the girls last night. We saw One for the Money for my friend's birthday. It was better than I thought it would be. I've never read the books, so I really wasn't sure what to expect. That was a pleasant surprise. The extra sleep helped, too. I was having really weird dreams, but nothing too terrible. I figured I don't have to be anywhere until 2, so why rush? I'm going to silks this afternoon both class and practice. I'm not sure what I'll do in practice, but I'm sure there's something I'll want to work on. I also found a Thursday silks class I can make next month. Woohoo!

I'm considering getting a cat. My parents won't let me have the kittens back and it gets pretty lonely around here. It was nice just having another living thing around. I certainly don't regret giving Cassie to Boy. They adore each other and he takes great care of her. I was thinking my lifestyle wouldn't so much accommodate pet ownership. Then I realized there's probably an adult cat out there who would be thrilled to be left alone most of the time and then get cuddles and have a warm bed in the evenings. I'm volunteering at the cat rescue next weekend and that will probably be a good opportunity for me to start looking. They know their cats pretty well and can likely point me in the direction of one that would work for me.

The sucky thing is I'm not feeling very creative lately. I haven't been motivated to write or make jewelry at all. I know it's just a matter of making myself do it. Even if I can only write 50 words or make one pair of earrings, that's still something. I have to keep reminding myself that hitting 3 out of 4, or better yet all 4, of CESS will make me feel better. I have proof of this. On that note, I suppose I'll try to make myself write something.

I think you have a fine lifestyle for owning a cat. A puppy that you have to take outside all the time? No. But a calmer, older kitty...I don't see why not. My uncle has a cat that he has had for years and he is the most independent kitty ever. Sometimes they only know he is alive because his water and food disappear and there is evidence in the cat litter box. He just likes to be alone and stalk things in their basement.

^Thanks! Everyone I've mentioned it to has been really encouraging. Even my parents were fine with it. I figured they would say no because "We'll eventually inherit it". But they were actually really supportive and said I should go for it. So now it's just a matter of finding the perfect one and getting everything in order. I guess I was too hard on myself previously because Cassie is a very needy cat and I would frequently be out more nights than not. Again, probably holding myself to ridiculous standards. I've really got to work on that.

I was going to come on and complain about my inconsiderate neighbors waking me up from 3a on, but then I read my self love bootcamp project for the day. It was about changing your thoughts from negative to positive. It's not a weeknight, so it wasn't like I had to be up at 7a for work. It wasn't the usual screaming and hysterics, just a couple drunk kids talking really loud. If I need to take a nap later, I can. I mean, it's not a positive situation, but there were definitely mitigating factors. It could've been a lot worse and it wasn't. Let it go and move on.

I'm also getting a migraine (not surprised with my current stress level and eating habits). Again, I'm not missing work or any serious obligations. I was planning on going to silks, but if I miss that, it's not a huge deal. I'll see how I feel when it's time to leave. It's annoying and it sucks, but there's nothing I can do to change it. Let it go and move on.

Most of the new clothes I ordered came in. One of the dresses was an epic fail. It's cut for someone who is way more short waisted than I am. I just looked pregnant. Not flattering. So I'll return it tomorrow during my lunch break. That's the down side of shopping online. You can't always know for sure it's going to look the same way on you. The two tops and the skirt were a hit, though. I love all of them. The same goes for the shoes. The other two dresses should be in sometime this week. Hopefully they'll work out and I'll only have the one dud. That would be nice.

I'm ready to spoil myself. I'm seriously considering sending myself flowers at work and scheduling a spa day. I've always, always, always wanted a guy to send me flowers at work and I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact it's never going to happen. Since I'm feeling down, I figured why not do it for myself? One of my friends in AA was a huge advocate of buying flowers for yourself. She always said you should do everything for yourself that you want a mate to do for you. So I'm going for it. The spa day will require a bit of saving as I want the whole package (massage, wax, mani/pedi, & organic spray tan), but then it's something for me to really look forward to. I think that sounds like a solid plan.