My life feels like one big cosmic joke right now.

I haven't slept well in 2 days which is bad. As I've said many times, I'm one of those people who *has* to have a solid 8 hours to function and feel good. Of course that colors my perspective on EVERYTHING. I'm struggling to stay awake right now. My living situation is stressing me out beyond words. Last night I actually seriously considered breaking my lease and moving back in with my parents. I know I would regret that decision almost immediately, but hot damn, it would be so much easier. I could save rent money for a few months and find an independent landlord like I had before. The idea is super tempting even though my mother and I tend to try to kill each other when we live in the same house. That doesn't say anything flattering about my current living situation. Frankly, I doubt they'd let me break my lease. I do want my dad to go over it and see what he thinks, though. I'm planning on sleeping at my parents' house for the Super Bowl becaue I know my neighbor is going to be a loud, obnoxious douche. I mean, one expects a certain amount of noise in an apartment complex. But this is just getting ridiculous.

I also can't screw up the rest of my life because of all the stress. I can't keep missing work. I can't keep expecting other people to shoulder my burdens. I know I don't have to do this alone, but I think I'm relying too heavily on other people right now. I'm strong enough to do this. I have a system I know works. I need to kick myself in the butt and do it. My therapist warned me there was going to be a lot of butt kicking required for this to work. I have too much to lose to let Hailey win. Time to pick myself up again and figure out how to fix this mess.

I think the first thing you should do, beyond text me!!, is just LET THIS ALL GO until you've had enough sleep. Don't try to fight this battle right now. Just go through the motions, do what you need to do, get some melatonin, have a warm bath, listen to nice music, meditate, pray, whatever, and get some sleep. THEN you can face your problems with a clear mind.

You wouldn't go into battle without armor would you? No. Give yourself a break honey bun, get some sleep!

^You're totally right. I'm so tired I'm literally having trouble sitting still. I just noticed I was swaying a little in my chair. Definitely NOT a decision making mode. In AA they taught us to never make decisions or try to solve a problem if we were hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (HALT). I'm going to nap in my car during lunch and hopefully I'll feel a bit more energized when I get back for the afternoon.

I was going to go to ballet after work, but I doubt I'll have the energy. I think I will go home, take a hot shower, and go to bed at 830. There's no shame in that.

So much for going to bed early. I ended up getting in bed only about half an hour before I usually do. I woke up about an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off, so I gave myself an extra half hour to sleep. I think I fell back asleep about 10 minutes before the alarm went off. I'm almost in tears right now because I can't get the online class system for silks to work. It keeps asking me to pay and I ALREADY PAID. Signs that I'm still sleep deprived.

I'm going to start the 21 day whole food challenge tomorrow. I've got my shopping list all ready and I'm stopping by the parents' house to steal their juicer. I'm looking forward to the change and I hope it helps. I cleaned out my kitchen last night and gave away a lot of processed stuff. I'm going to do some of the juicing tonight and just save it for in the morning. I'd rather sleep late than get up early to juice. I'll probably only get enough for 3 days' worth of food. Then I can go back to the grocery store at my leisure on Saturday. Plus, I'll probably have to go to Whole Foods for some of the stuff and that's just not convenient. Most of the simple stuff I can get at Trader Joe's.

Part of me is tempted to ask for an afternoon off and claim I have a doctor's appointment so I can catch up on sleep. Another part of me feels guilty about missing work again even though it's not a "call out" per se. I'm hoping to get to bed early tonight. It's going to take more than one good night's sleep for me to recover. Balls.

Edit: I'm taking tomorrow morning off to get some extra rest. I even ran it by my boss first and he was cool with it. I figure I *need* to take a mini mental health day that's planned so I can recover.

I've also felt like I'm on the verge of having a panic attack all morning. Not awesome.

Hang in there, baby!

I know this is old crusty recycled advice that has been thrown around 1000 times before, but are you creating a routine for yourself at night that might help ease you into sleep?

I was averaging about 4 hours sleep last month because my routine and time-zones were out of whack, so I forced myself to stick to a routine. I had to be in the shower by 10.30. my computer HAD to be off by 11 at the latest, and until 11.30 I could choose from meditating, working on EFT from bootcamp or reading - but the lights had to be low whatever I did. To my surprise, the whole routine thing actually worked. I didn't go to sleep at 11.30 on the dot every night, but I went before 3 am which had been my previous habit.

Try it. It ties in with making time for yourself, and hopefully it'll help even a little bit.

Big love!

^I had a routine and then for some reason it got thrown off. I can't remember why. All the more motivation to work on getting one back.

It's a new month and with new months come new possibilities. I started the 21 Day Whole Living Challenge this morning. The basic idea is it's a 3 week program that's based around whole foods, different kinds of cooking methods like roasting and steaming, & giving your system a rest. The first week is entirely vegan. It's all fruits, veg, nuts, seeds, & plant based oils. The second week adds in tofu, lentils, & fish. The third week adds back gluten free grains (ie brown rice & rice noodles) & eggs. There's an extra 4th week, but I haven't looked at that one very closely. I had the grapefruit carrot ginger juice for breakfast and actually really liked it. I hate carrots, so I wasn't expecting to like it. I just figured I'd try it and see. I roasted some cauliflower with olive oil, sea salt, & cayenne pepper for a snack. I tried one and holy bananas, it tastes really good. For lunch, I put together avocados, tomatoes, & yellow bell pepper with a garlic lime olive oil dressing. Again, amazingly tasty. Who knew real food tasted so good? Plus, juicers are super fun! I'm going to be juicing everything now.

My last 2 dresses also came in. Now I have all my new pieces and can start working on enjoying my wardrobe more. When I was grocery shopping last night, a woman actually stopped me and said she "loved my whole look". It seriously made my night. Then I had a long talk with my dad about how I was feeling so down over the situation with Boy. He pointed out that I've handled far worse situations with grace and humor. When he was going through his cancer treatments, I was always ready with a joke or a word of encouragement. He never saw me cry or even really lose my cool. He said I was the kind of person who can't be broken. I may stumble and it may take me a minute to get back on my feet, but nothing will break me. Frankly, if my relationship with Will didn't, nothing can. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I feel like my married friends can't bother to make time for me. But I've survived worse without even breaking a sweat. I didn't realize just how blind I've been to my own strength until he pointed it out. Now that I'm aware of it, I can draw on it. I'm not going to be beaten down by the fact some boy doesn't want to go out with me right now (even if he is a particularly kind specimen).

I also talked with my former sponsor and she said that the big life lesson here is I can't put my security in other people. I have to be secure in myself. I also need to accept how I react when I'm upset. Considering what my old negative coping mechanisms were, I'll take crying and sleeping problems any day of the week. She also commended me for working on becoming secure in myself and my abilities. Between my dad and her, I think I've got a new outlook.

I can focus on this clean eating being good to my body challenge for the next month and not get myself all worked up over things I don't have. I still have 9 hot yoga classes I haven't used. I thought it might be a nice change to hit up a yoga class on nights I don't have silks. I'm going to ballet tonight because I haven't gotten exercise since Saturday. I got plenty of sleep last night and I finally feel like I've caught up on the sleep deficit. I was invited to a Groundhog Day party tomorrow night, so I'm going to that after dance. Why not, after all? Social time is good for me.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I got about 9 hours of sleep. I would wake up, but go back to sleep almost immediately. That was a nice change. Usually I wake up and I'm laying there for close to an hour trying to get back to sleep. I've been a bit sluggish, but not like before. Plus, I can nap during lunch.

It started to rain last night right about the time I left work. Didn't end up going to dance, but that's okay. I'm going tomorrow night and back to silks on Saturday. I haven't been to silks all week and my soul is sad. There's a class tonight, but there's no way I can make it. I hate that. I think it's full anyway and I've got the party. She promised us cupcakes. It's against the "cleanse", but one cheat won't kill me. I'm (willingly) powerless in the face of cupcakes.

Gala Darling has declared February Radical Self Love month. I'm all over that. I'm halfway through the Bootcamp again and she gives out little homework assignments on her blog throughout February. Today's assignment is to write 100 things you love about yourself. There's no time limit. I'm actually oddly excited about it. It used to be I had a really hard time thinking of 5 things I liked about myself. I could never take compliments. I've gotten 2 compliments in the past 3 days and I've taken both graciously. That's a huge improvement. I'm beginning to think this might actually work.

I'm loving my outfit today. I don't care that I didn't put on make up. I do actually have something to take up my time today, even if it is tedious. At least I don't have to sit here and figure out how to entertain myself for 5 hours. I can make a few calls, then switch to something else, then make a few calls. And I don't even mind that it's sunny outside. (Have I mentioned I don't particularly like sun?).

The party last night was so much fun. I didn't know anyone other than the host and I was totally okay with it. I met a lot of cool new people. I ate cupcakes and just had a great time. I didn't end up leaving until 2a and then didn't actually fall asleep until probably 3a. And I had to be up for work by 745a at the latest. So I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep right now. It's not bothering me at all, actually. I think I'm so tired that I'm giddy. I estimate I'll crash about the time I can nap in my car during lunch. I stopped and got a Diet Dr. Pepper to get me through the morning. Oh Chick-Fil-A how you frequently save my life.

Boy and I had a very productive discussion last night. No tears, no drama, just getting what he wants out of this whole debacle. We're not officially broken up, but we're on a break of indeterminate time. We agreed that we didn't want to close the door on the relationship completely. We both think it can still work provided changes are made. He's still trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. Who am I to stand in his way? I don't want to be with someone who compromises before the possibility of a compromise is even brought up. He doesn't have to know himself inside and out, but I do want someone who is confident in who he is and knows generally what he wants out of life. Beyond that, I want someone who is willing to go after it. We love each other, but he's got a lot to sort out before we can have a successful romantic relationship. We're not communicating at all except in an emergency or need to know situation. I'm okay with it right now, probably because I'm giddy & sleep deprived. I know I'll have days where I'm not okay with it. I just need to get through them and move forward. We won't cross paths socially until mid-March and I'd like to think this will be sorted out one way or the other by then. In the meantime, I still have plenty to work on. I've got several creative projects that have been begging for attention. I've got Radical Self Love month to throw myself into. I just need to remember this feeling and hang onto it when I'm less happy about the situation. On the marriage and babies front...

One of my friends announced she's pregnant. Again, I'm oddly okay with this. She and her husband have made it no secret that they're ready for kids. I'm happy for her. This is something she definitely wants. I'm sure when the baby is born I'll feel old, but right now I'm happy that she's happy. She's freaking out about her diet which is pretty funny. That's what too much internet research will do to you. I'm okay with the fact I'm not married. I'm okay with the fact I don't want to pop out babies. I actually had someone younger than me last night tell me I'm too young to get married. It was a nice change. As I'm starting to see, the universe works in very odd ways. I seem to get what I want in ways I never expected. So I figure I'll trundle along doing my own thing and let the universe do its thing.

Watch what happens.

She's freaking out about her diet which is pretty funny. That's what too much internet research will do to you.

Worry wart OBs will also do that. When I was pregnant, my OB pretty much went "Aah, as long as it doesn't hurt, go ahead..."

When my cousin was pregnant, her OB told her she couldn't eat X, Y and Z, she could only have so many extra calories a day and the extra calories could only come from certain foods (seriously - she carried a jar of "natural" peanut butter in her purse for the whole nine months, that's how adamant her OB was about it...) and all that.

If it's any encouragement to your sanity as you watch her do this for the next nine months, my cousin was evidentally miserable doing that, because she's now pregnant with number two, and last time we ate together, she outate me, which might be the first time that's ever happened, LOL!

^The impression I got was she was doing this pretty much all on her own. As far as I know, she's only been to a doctor to actually confirm she's pregnant. But who knows? She's actually due right around J's wedding. I thought that was particularly amusing as J stated she wanted to get married sooner rather than later because "I don't want a bunch of people pregnant at my wedding". Said friend is one of the bridesmaids. If/when I get married, it'll probably be after everyone has had their first kids. That works for moi.

I napped in my car during lunch and I think that just made me sleepier. The parents are out of town this weekend so I'm stopping there after work to check on the kittens and I'll probably end up sleeping on the couch for several hours. Just like the good old days when I was working retail.

I had a bridesmaid who was due a week after my wedding. She dropped out of the wedding party, and if she hadn't, I probably would have found a nice way to ask her if she wanted to. Who wants to do that much standing when they're 9 months pregnant? Your friend J sounds incredibly self-absorbed. I think the fact that one of her bridesmaids is pregnant is the Universe's way of telling her to get over herself already.

I think she has a pretty big chip on her shoulder because she's pretty much the last one to get married. I think it got worse at the last wedding we were at. They've been together for less time and they got married before her. She's got a fair bit of emotional baggage beyond that, too.

I admit, the evil part of me was really happy when I found out Bridesmaid was pregnant. J's said some pretty cruel things to me even after I've apologized and tried to make amends multiple times. I was like "HA! That's what you get for giving me the cold shoulder!". Is it mature? No. Is it completely fair? I think so.

Edit: I'm bored at work so I figure I'll ramble some more. I'm quite pleasantly not feeling guilty about last night. Sure I stayed out way, way later than I should have, but I still made it to work on time. I kept that promise to myself. It's not something I'll do often, but I'm glad that I don't have any regrets about it There was a time in the not too distant past where I would've beaten myself up for going out and having fun on a "school night" even if I did make it to work on time.

It's supposed to rain all weekend. I'm pretty happy about that. The silks class tomorrow is full, but I'm going to show up anyway. I won't make it to Sunday classes because I'm volunteering. I figure that's a worthy reason to miss. I'm going to spend 2 hours at the cat shelter and let kittens climb all over me. I'm embracing my crazy cat lady-ness early at least. There's also nothing saying I can't go to a late afternoon yoga class either. If I'm feeling so motivated, I might go to the 1030a hip hop class tomorrow. That's always a good work out.

Turns out my dad isn't going out of town which means I can get a free dinner out of my visit. Of course, I'll probably have to wake myself up to place the order. I'm so tired I actually forgot that I did some of my work and when I picked up the sheet, I wondered why I'd written all over it already. I can sleep pretty much all weekend if I want, so that's a plus. I haven't decided if I'll spend the night there or go back to my apartment. It's a Friday night, though, so my neighbor will probably be loud. I think I can handle a whiny kitten better than a loud neighbor.

45 more minutes until I'm out of here...

I slept for 12 hours and it was glorious. Exactly what I needed. Daddums & I went out to breakfast and then I came back to my place. I roasted more cauliflower. I did it for twice as long to try and get it crispy. I think all it did was burn the smaller pieces. Oh well. Hopefully it'll still taste good. I made the avocado salsa for dinner. Nom. I'll probably make some juice once the dishwasher finishes and the part of the juicer are clean.

I think I'm going to meditate then work on my 100 things I love about myself list. I also got an idea for a necklace I want to make. I think it'll turn out really cool looking. I didn't go to silks because I did the math and 5 people would've had to not show up for me to actually be able to take the class. Beyond that, if there's more than 2 people to a silk, you really don't get much benefit. I might go to a yoga class later if I'm so motivated. I haven't gotten exercise since last Saturday, but I chose not to. I had plenty of opportunities, I just chose not to take them. Yay for taking responsibility for my actions. I actually won't have time tomorrow because I'm volunteering right when all my favorite classes are. I'll get back on the horse on Monday after work. Then I'll have something every day but Thursday.

I think I need a day to just float about and do whatever I feel like. I tell myself I should do this or a I should do that a lot. I think the word "should" is one of the most damaging in the English language. It has this unhelpful sense of obligation. I prefer to think of it as there are things that are wise decisions and things that aren't. If I don't do certain things, there are consequences. But I'm under no obligation to do anything. I can not show up to work for a week with no explanation, but I would suffer the consequence of getting fired. I can eat only junk food, but I would have to deal with being sluggish and cranky. It's all about choices. For a long time, especially when I was drinking heavily and sleeping around, I felt like I had no choice. I was merely a slave to alcohol and the poor choices that frequently result from intoxication. Of course that wasn't true. I chose to stop drinking and get myself together. There's always a choice. One decision might yield better results than another. I'm actually a lot happier now that I own up to everything I do and the choices I make. I may not always make the best choices or I might make them for the wrong reasons, but they're mine. No one made me do it. I didn't pick something because I should.

Wow, that got way more philosophical than intended. Happy Saturday, everyone!

I know how many people read my diary. A comment or two wouldn't go amiss. What's the point in being well read when no one says anything?

Honestly-and I hate to be like this-but I'm instantly less likely to comment on someone's diary when they go "Why isn't anyone commenting? Come on, people!"

I should also probably explain why I don't really comment. As a general rule, I don't really say anything unless I have something substantial to say (like if someone asks a question, wants advice, or if I have a REALLY strong opinion that I just can't hold back). I'm also not really sure what you want comments on, exactly. And sometimes, I just like to keep up on what people are up to without feeling the need to give them feedback all the time, you know? I also feel like a diary should be written for yourself (in general, not specifically you), but that's my opinion.

The lack of comments isn't a personal thing, or a representation of how people feel about you. It just...is what it is, I guess. ::shrug::

I'm here, I've just got nothing to say! I have so little to say that I can't even update my own diary, let alone comment on someone elses'.

I'm here, too! Like others, I don't usually comment unless I have something I feel like I have something useful/helpful/encouraging to say, but I don't mind popping in and saying hi either Also, I liked your Saturday philosophical ramblings...I thought what you wrote about the concept of choice was nice/thought provoking.

Haha, well at least I know why. I guess I was just curious how I was getting so many hits, but no one ever really says anything. I always try to make a point of commenting in the diaries I read, but I realize that's not how everyone rolls. Consider my curiosity sated.

I was missing Boy pretty hardcore this morning. I've been making consistently poor choices regarding my diet & exercise which isn't helping at all. I really need to amp up my CESS work if I expect to not slide back into my old habits. Going to volunteer really helped my mood. I sat in the kitten room and got lots of love. There was one cross eyed kitten who was the cutest thing. He was pathetic and adorable all at the same time.

www.youtube.com . . .

This is my new theme song. Enjoy. It reminds me more of Will than Ben, but it's definitely applicable to both situations.

I'm around! I usually don't comment unless I have something productive to say.

I never read your diary. I don't even know why I'm posting on it right now.

Haha, I just realized I used Boy's real name in the previous entry. Oh well. Of course, anyone who is friends with me on Facebook or talks to me regularly off DDN knows it. He's too paranoid about privacy in my opinion. It's not like someone is going to find him based his first name on my diary. Not only that, he has absolutely nothing to hide. It's not like he's a spy. Anyway, moving on...

It's Monday and I'm sleepy. I got a decent amount of sleep, but I guess I haven't woken up yet. I went to bed pretty much right when the game was over. I was very pleased with the outcome. I can't stand Tom Brady, so I'm always happy to see him get knocked down a few pegs. I've been feeling particularly vindictive lately (gee, I wonder why?), but I feel less guilty about it when it's a celebrity I wish ill on.

Time to get my CESS work back on track. I know I feel better when I do it, so there's no reason not to. Somehow I feel like I'm definitely going to come out better from this than he will.

reading! Prreeeetttty much the only thing I check on DDN anymore

This morning got busy all of a sudden. Now time for a short break and some diary time.

I got back on the CESS horse last night. I did some conditioning on my own. Mondays are a bit of a wasteland class-wise. It's the advanced class in silks & nothing I'm really interested in at the dance studio. I still have 4 classes at the pole studio and I don't know their schedule. Might be worth looking into for next week. I made some soup to bring for lunch the next few days. I took a hot bath and read one of my self help books that Gala recommended. I meditated before bed. Normally I just meditate after I get up, but twice a day can't hurt, right? I was in bed by 1015 and asleep by around 11. All in all, a good effort to keep things going.

Tonight I have 2 hours of silks. I actually made an effort with my hair instead of just letting it go wild. I'm not nuts about my choice of top today. I opted for a button down, but I forgot how frumpy they make me feel. It wouldn't be so bad if I'd worn a pencil skirt, but it doesn't work with the A-line I picked. Lesson learned.

I was reading about manifesting last night and realized that I could probably benefit from changing my thoughts a bit. For example, I got a jury summons for Valentine's Day. I'm on standby, so I have to call the night before and see if they need me. I was grumbling on about it and how I was upset that I got called (I've been called 3 times since I turned 18). Then it dawned on me I should probably think positive. It's a Tuesday, so the odds they need a large jury pool are slim. If you get called on a Monday or a Friday, that's another story. I'm likely getting myself all worked up over nothing. I'll call, they won't need me, and I'll move on with my life.

At first when I was learning about the concept, it sounded a little too hippie for me. Then as I read more and considered my own circumstances, it made sense. I allowed my negative thoughts to rule and that resulted in all the negativity around me. It's totally true that people can read confidence and happiness vs. low self worth and misery. I truly believed I wasn't worthy of good things, I'm bad with money, a relationship where he doesn't abuse me is the best I'll get, my friends are all abandoning me for their spouses, & my only choice was to drink it all away. Who wants to be around someone who thinks like that? I didn't and I had to live with me! It's a slow process, granted. When I catch myself going down the "well, this is just my luck. I never catch a break, etc" path, I try to change direction. It doesn't always work, but just like any other habit, it won't be broken overnight. Instead of inviting more negativity in by believing that, I can at least hope for the better outcome and try to let in some positive energy.

I've decided once and for all to go back to CrossFit. A lot of why I stopped going was I was dating The Remix at the time and he hated when I got up at 5a for camp. I know, I know, totally lame to let a boy determine my habits. I slowly fell out of the habit and haven't been since September 2010. Now I'm single (for all intents and purposes) and won't bother anyone if I get up and haul out for 6a class. I miss the people, I miss getting my butt kicked, and I miss the support. The next camp starts on the 20th and I intend on being there. Rawr. *flexes*

I'm here too I just don't have anything useful to add to the conversation - but I pop in every few days!

So...I ended up in the ER last night.

I was sitting at my desk around 3 yesterday and all of a sudden my vision went haywire. It felt like I'd crossed my eyes and couldn't uncross them. That lasted for about 2 minutes, then I got up and went to bathroom to check my eyes. They looked fine, but I was still having trouble with my depth perception. As my vision cleared up, I started to get dizzy. I texted one of my friends and she picked me up from work and took me to the hospital. They took blood, put in an IV & gave me a liter of fluid, & did an EKG. I talked with several nurses & NP's. The general conclusion was it was combination of severe dehydration, lack of sleep, & stress. The NP told me to stay home, rest, & hydrate for a few days.

It was pointed out to me that I'm not very good at taking small, doable steps toward a goal. It's either all or nothing with me. I get frustrated if I don't see results almost immediately. I don't trust the fact that steps are working toward a greater goal. That results in the usual beating myself up, pushing myself harder, etc. It doesn't help that I'm not long on patience. So I took a step back and looked at my situation as if it were a friend. How would I treat her? I certainly wouldn't berate her for not getting the end result after barely scratching the surface. I'd encourage her to take any step she could, even if it was super tiny. I'd be there for her when she was having trouble figuring out what the next step was. I wouldn't call her lazy for not working out when it was a struggle for her to get out of bed that day. Have I done any of this for myself? Nope. I've gotten the advice from people wiser than myself that I need to be my own best friend. As my own best friend, I'm telling myself to get back in bed and get more sleep. Doctor's orders.