This is mostly a rant.....I am wearing an ivory dress, as is my ring bearer. We have made NO secret of this, MIL has seen both dresses, several times. His niece is coming to the wedding, she's 2. She is NOT in the wedding, just coming as a guest. Originally his sister and her family weren't going to come, until his dad offered to pay for all of them to come, ok, fine, I didn't even want kids at the wedding, but when it was just my ring bearer, whom I love to death, no biggie on just her. But obviously, we had to let them come because it'd look bad for us to have a kid in the wedding and not let the others come. Not happy about it, but I do believe in being fair.

I saw his niece's dress last night and it's IVORY and LOOKS A LOT LIKE THE RING BEARERS. It's also the same brand as RB's, from the same store. MIL does work at Penney's where we bought RB's dress and we told her we found one at the store and showed it to her.

I always thought that unless the bride chose it or said "ok", you DO NOT wear white/ivory unless you're the bride. I'm really upset by this because it took a lot of time and energy to find my gown and the ring bearer's dress. Here is the dress MIL bought for his niece: www.jcpenney.com . . .|77910

She also got her a matching tiara. (My ring bearer is wearing a flower girl tiara thingy) As I said, I'm very hurt by this because we went out of our way to make sure mine and the ring bearer's dresses were special. Above is a picture of my ring bearer in her dress.

Should I bring this up or just let it go? If I should bring it up, how do I do it without being rude?

I'm putting a flask in my garter and a couple valium tablets in my bra. On the flip side, my fiance did say he wished he would've taken my idea and eloped.

At my wedding, I had a little girl wear a white dress that was more poofy then my flower girl's dress. I saw it on the day and kind of just laughed. She was one of five kids in that family who came to the wedding, and I figured it was a "pick your battles" kind of thing with her parents that morning.

I didn't say anything, but if it's really bothering you and you think it's going to ruin your day, maybe you should say something. I'm sorry, I'm not sure how you might go about doing that. It might be an idea to get your fiance to mention it, considering it's his side of the family?

I do have one piece of advice though. A lot more is going to go wrong between now and your wedding. If you let it all get to you, you're going to hate your wedding.

Little girls generally wear white/ivory to weddings where I am. More fool the parents I say, the kid is OBVIOUSLY going to drop juice and/or sauce down it. Every female guest at my wedding bar one wore black, which was my bridesmaid's colour. You don't notice what people are wearing on the day - or you shouldn't. Unless someone rocks up in a pink feathered bra and pant set with stripper heels, it doesn't really matter. It's not like she's going to be in every photo unlike the ring bearer.

Even though it's hard, just let it go. It sounds as if there will be many more thoughtless actions on the part of these "out-laws" and it is silly to go to war over this.

Two year olds at weddings are a chore. The child will be cranky or tired and the dress won't matter. Especially after she spills red juice on the front of it (put a few boxes of Hawaiian Punch in your bag and offer one to the child early in the day). It does sound like the child's mother could use a good etiquette book, so put it on the Christmas list and move on.

Don't let this fill your thoughts right now. Just think of all the nice things you have to look forward to.

Keep On Dancing*

Yeah, I understand why you're frustrated, but I really really think this is a "pick your battles" situation. It's annoying, especially since her dress is similar to the ring bearer's, but in 20 years, you're going to laugh at the coincidence, if you even remember it at all. Let it go, and give the important things more attention.

Christine wrote:

Even though it's hard, just let it go. It sounds as if there will be many more thoughtless actions on the part of these "out-laws" and it is silly to go to war over this.

Two year olds at weddings are a chore. The child will be cranky or tired and the dress won't matter. Especially after she spills red juice on the front of it (put a few boxes of Hawaiian Punch in your bag and offer one to the child early in the day). It does sound like the child's mother could use a good etiquette book, so put it on the Christmas list and move on.

Don't let this fill your thoughts right now. Just think of all the nice things you have to look forward to.

Keep On Dancing*

I don't think his sister had anything to do with this. But I do see your point on how she should know not to dress someone in white who isn't the bride or when the bride didn't OK it. But, I'm taking comfort in that I will be telling the photographer EXACTLY who is in the wedding and who isn't. We don't want a bunch of pictures of kids to show up in our wedding photos. We are getting married, not them. Couple group photos, fine, me and my ring bearer, fine.

After talking about it with Trevor this morning, he said he understood why I'm hurt/upset over this and said he'd talk to his mom. I also talked to a couple friends (One who has a daughter a little younger than his niece) and they couldn't believe that she'd do that either as there are way more colors than white/ivory in fancy dresses at the store it came from, no issues with her wearing a fancy dress, as long as it's not white or ivory.

I didnt know the "don't wear white" rule applied to young children. I've always thought it only applied to women of marrying age, as not to distract from the bride. I'm pretty sure a 2 year old child won't get in the way of your attention.

My rule, when it comes to my own wedding is that unless someone comes wearing a dress that is obviously an attempt to look bridal, I do not care. I would be even less likely to be worried about the attire of a child, who is definitely not going to be mistaken for the bride anyway. And if your ringbearer has a special role in the ceremony, surely this is enough to separate her from your niece, who will not have a part in the ceremony.

I have heard so many brides getting upset about the attire of a guest in the run up to their wedding, not ONCE have I read of a bride being upset by the attire of a guest in her wedding report. So even though it may seem like a big deal now, I can almost guarantee that on your wedding day you will not be bothered by it. I am not married yet myself, but I would have thought that getting married to the man you want to spend the rest of your life with would successfully distract you from the attire of a guest. So just take a deep breath and let this one go, that's my advice.

^^ Yeah......that is what I thought too.

Guess that's why I skipped out on all the big wedding stuff when we got married over 10 years ago (:O) and just did a quiet ceremony in Annapolis. Didn't have to deal with family drama!

I would personally just let this one go but if you are honestly really upset about this let them know your feelings than leave it at that.

SaraTheGrouch wrote:

I didnt know the "don't wear white" rule applied to young children. I've always thought it only applied to women of marrying age, as not to distract from the bride. I'm pretty sure a 2 year old child won't get in the way of your attention.

Yeah, it definitely doesn't apply to small children. OP, I think you need to take a step off the ledge and calm down. I highly doubt the dress was chosen with malicious intent. It's very common for young children to wear white or cream to weddings. A 2 year old is not going to upstage the bride or the flower girl. I also suggest against purposely giving her juice upon arrival to stain her dress, as Christine recommended, I find that exceptionally petty.

I also suggest against purposely giving her juice upon arrival to stain her dress, as Christine recommended, I find that exceptionally petty.

I was joking.

I also assumed the OP's "plan" to keep a flask in her garter and a couple of Valium tablets in her bra, were also jokes.

Moving forward...

Another way to look at this Amy, is that if your chosen ring bearer gets sick, as children are apt to do this time of year, you'll have an "understudy".

Keep On Dancing*

In my opinion kids are excluded from the fashion rules of weddings - despite the fact that it is usually the adults who dress them.

I can totally see why you would be peeved though.

I'm sure that no one will really notice or pay much attention to the fact that a guest is dresses similarly to your ring bearer.

I doubt they intended to upset you (maybe they did? See story below) - so I think it would be best to just let it go and focus on your big day. There will be so much going on you wont have time to pay attention to what the 2 year old is wearing.



I have a personal anecdote to add. When my Aunt K got married I was 10, and my female cousins were 9 and 11. Their Mom, my Aunt J, was quite upset that we had not been asked to participate in the wedding. Aunt K had chosen her fiance's niece, who was 7, due to the fact that she was the youngest. Aunt J intentionally went out of her way to find out what the flower girl was wearing and purchased three almost identical dresses for my cousins and I. She spent a good portion of the wedding trying to strategically place us so that we looked like flower girls.

I would like to think that this is purely a function of my crazy family and my Aunt is an exception, rather than a rule.

Jenna wrote:


I have a personal anecdote to add. When my Aunt K got married I was 10, and my female cousins were 9 and 11. Their Mom, my Aunt J, was quite upset that we had not been asked to participate in the wedding. Aunt K had chosen her fiance's niece, who was 7, due to the fact that she was the youngest. Aunt J intentionally went out of her way to find out what the flower girl was wearing and purchased three almost identical dresses for my cousins and I. She spent a good portion of the wedding trying to strategically place us so that we looked like flower girls.

I think we have a "teachable moment" here.

Jenna, for all the time and emotion your Aunt J spent of "righting" this "wrong", how did it work out? Did people admire her? Did it make the children feel better about themselves? Important? Now that a decade (I assume) has passed, do you think your Aunt J would do the same thing again?

Amy, maybe you should just let this go. I've never known a two year old who willingly kept a tiara on their head anyway. Don't make this an important issue. It really isn't.

Keep On Dancing*

Do you think your MIL is trying to insinuate this child into the wedding party? That was my first thought after seeing the photo and reading that she also bought her a tiara.

Tansey wrote:

Do you think your MIL is trying to insinuate this child into the wedding party? That was my first thought after seeing the photo and reading that she also bought her a tiara.

At this point, it wouldn't surprise me.

MIL is the same person who, after my gall bladder surgery, I was telling her that I'd have a hard time digesting fats, she told me "Oh! Well, then it's like a permanent diet!" she continued even after my fiance was like "mom, no, that's enough" My fiance has told her many times that I've struggled with anorexia and body image pretty badly for 10 years. Not exactly something you forget someone telling you.

On another incident, I showed her a picture with how much weight I've lost (in a healthy way!) and she said "I don't understand how someone could become that big! There's always room for more!" and my fiance stepped in (knowing I was about to have it out with her) and said "She's done great! 30lbs is a lot! I think she looks fantastic!". Then the next day, she had the nerve to complain to my fiance (boyfriend at the time) that I ignored her the rest of the night. He was obviously on my side and said "Well, that was a pretty rude comment you made about her weight loss, I spent most of last night calming her down. just so you know, she's struggled with anorexia for 10 years, her mom pushed her into an eating disorder". Even though she didn't know, that's still insanely rude to say to someone you met for the first time 2 days ago. It's rude to say that to someone period.

So, I'm not sure what to think, but the wedding coordinator has our master list on who is in the ceremony. I'll make it no secret if the photographer asks that she is not in the wedding.

I also assumed the OP's "plan" to keep a flask in her garter and a couple of Valium tablets in her bra, were also jokes.

Actually, I was serious. LOL

^I had a friend that actually DID do the flask in her garter belt... We nicknamed her MIL "Cruella" because she looked and acted JUST LIKE Cruella DeVille. By the end of their wedding day, she NEEDED the booze just to get through the reception dealing with her new MIL.

The rule about 'not wearing white' to a wedding is for adult women attending a wedding so as NOT to 'compete' with the bride. I can see how you would be irritated, but I don't think it's quite a Bridezilla moment. However, it's interesting that the MIL knew (if I read it right)...which sounds purposeful. Wedding planning is stressful and you will need to careful pick the important thing to get Bridezilla about.

*hugs*

Your ring bearer is so cute!!

Now that I got that out of the way, I'd say just let it go. If you brought it up it might just cause more issues with the MIL. And come the day you'll have so much going on you probably won't notice. Your plan to just make sure the photographer and whatnot knows she's not in the wedding is a good idea. That's about the best you can do.

One of my aunts wore HER OWN wedding dress to my other aunt's wedding in 1987. They're sisters.

Yep.

Have your bridezilla moment then move on. It's not worth getting tizzied up about. You've got the rest of your life to get strung out about you mother in law, just let this go by and enjoy getting married.

Erin.
::righteous babe::

White or off-white kids' dresses were pretty common at weddings I photographed. Yes it is true about adult females. I sent one of my assistants home to change when she showed up with a mostly white dress (she thought I was shooting a Bar or Bat Mitzvah that day where it doesn't make any difference.)

As for shooting kids by the pro photographer...it is pretty common knowledge among pros that while kids are cute, they aren't the show that day. Flower girls were included in one mob shot and perhaps a photo with the bride, particularly if they were related, but that was about it. This is taught at most wedding seminars for neophyte wedding photographers. You might mention to the photographer that the flower girl is only quite peripherally involved and that photos of her beyond the absolute minimum are not really desired.

The problem ofte comes up when one has a non-pro photographer, particularly if it is the parent of the flower girl or ring bearer. I had a girl in my office who got married (I wouldn't do the weddings of work colleagues from my "real life" job) and a non-pro did the photos. He was technically competant enough but didn't really know how to shoot a wedding. When she got the photos back she griped that half the photos were of the flowergirl.

Jon

Is this 2 year old is anything like my cousins when they were 2, this may have been the only dress that the child was willing to wear. I had my fair share of shopping with the young ones.

"I DON'T WANT TO WEAR THAT DRESS!"
"Well you can;t wear white."
"WHY NOT! I WANT TO WEAR THAT DRESS."
"Because sweetie, only the bride wears white."
"WELL I WANT TO WEAR THIS DRESS. I WON'T WEAR ANYTHING ELSE."

It could be that this is the only dress the little girl would wear.

Felsa wrote:

Is this 2 year old is anything like my cousins when they were 2, this may have been the only dress that the child was willing to wear. I had my fair share of shopping with the young ones.

"I DON'T WANT TO WEAR THAT DRESS!"
"Well you can;t wear white."
"WHY NOT! I WANT TO WEAR THAT DRESS."
"Because sweetie, only the bride wears white."
"WELL I WANT TO WEAR THIS DRESS. I WON'T WEAR ANYTHING ELSE."

It could be that this is the only dress the little girl would wear.

That's when you grow a spine and be a parent. My mom had those moments with me, but she wrangled me into something appropriate to leave the house and told me I'd really be given something to cry over if I didn't stop. Or she made me stay at home with my dad. While staying at home isn't feasible in this situation, it didn't take me long to learn what mom said goes. Just sayin' Also, since when do parents let their 2 year olds choose what they want to wear?!

Dancing_EMT wrote:

Felsa wrote:

Is this 2 year old is anything like my cousins when they were 2, this may have been the only dress that the child was willing to wear. I had my fair share of shopping with the young ones.

"I DON'T WANT TO WEAR THAT DRESS!"
"Well you can;t wear white."
"WHY NOT! I WANT TO WEAR THAT DRESS."
"Because sweetie, only the bride wears white."
"WELL I WANT TO WEAR THIS DRESS. I WON'T WEAR ANYTHING ELSE."

It could be that this is the only dress the little girl would wear.

That's when you grow a spine and be a parent. My mom had those moments with me, but she wrangled me into something appropriate to leave the house and told me I'd really be given something to cry over if I didn't stop. Or she made me stay at home with my dad. While staying at home isn't feasible in this situation, it didn't take me long to learn what mom said goes. Just sayin' Also, since when do parents let their 2 year olds choose what they want to wear?!

Um, since forever? Most parents let their children choose their clothes. The dress is appropriate for the occasion, it is formal and, as discussed, the "no white" doesn't apply to toddlers or small children.

If all is going well, you're really not going to notice what anyone is wearing unless you make it a point to notice. I know my niece and several young cousins were at my wedding, but I could not even tell you what they wore. For all I noticed or cared, they might have been wearing miniature replicas of my wedding dress. Mark and I were totally in our own little world, and as long as everyone seemed like they were having a good time, we were happy. This is really not something worth dwelling on. The child could show up naked, and at the end of the day, you would not be any less married because of it.

I generally allow my kids to choose their own clothing as long as it's appropriate to the situation... However, if something like what Felsa describes happens (which it occasionally does... kids are kids), then that's where I put my foot down. Even IF it's appropriate, if they're going to throw a fit over it I, as a parent, HAVE to demonstrate that they're not going to get what they want purely because they've thrown a fit. Tantrums are the best way to get momma to say "absolutely not".

I guess it works because my children don't throw tantrums in public at all and rarely at home... And I know they weren't just born with easy temperaments, it's something that they've learned.

Yeah, this is a total hijack of the post but since that came up I figured I drop my 2 cents in. Allowing kids to make reasonable requests makes them feel like they're "heard", but giving in to fits and tantrums makes them feel like they're the boss. The former is great, the latter not so much.

/hijack