I have been distant lately, but mostly good things have come about this. I can honestly say I am almost completely okay with my life right now.

I have no been in any type of contact with J after a very long few months. I struggled with trying to constantly keep him in my life, and I am better now. I am actually to the point where I am OKAY and I am proud to say that. He wanted to remain friends, but I simply couldn't allow myself. I know what type of person he is now and I see it clearly thanks to a lot of you on here who have helped me through ever step of the way. I have also had a lot of support with friends, a new therapist and family.

I want to go in order, so I want to mention that I am seeing someone else, but it's strictly sex and I'm okay with that too. Things are good between us and he is a very good friend. I have feelings for him, but for right now things are perfect where they are and I don't want to rush anything. We see each other a couple times a week and it's really fun.

The situation with my dad is still the same. I still have not spoken one word to him since the whole incident. And again, I'm okay with no having him in my life just like I am J. I am semi- happy and I am so proud of myself because I worked so hard to get here!!!

I'll post more tomorrow about seeing my new therapist and everything, but right now I am exhausted and about to fall over.

Lurkers, please come out.

I can't believe I was so stupid. I saw J's name pop up and I asked him how he was doing...I didn't expect a response and never did get one. I guess it was all to be expected. I was doing so, so good.

Every day gets easier, but at the same time it gets harder.

Try not to focus on what you've done wrong. You slipped up, but it's fine-everyone does at some point. Just keep moving forward.

On the hook-up guy: I would be VERY, very careful with this. I don't want to make you feel like you're making stupid decision after stupid decision, because that's not what I think of you. But because I know you're a smart girl, I have to say that I think hooking up with him, even if it's "strictly sex," sounds like a bad idea right now. I got into a "strictly sex" relationship after a breakup a few years ago, and I just...think that in order for that sort of arrangement to truly work, you have to be constantly watching out for signs that one of you is getting too emotionally attached, and you have to be prepared to end it if necessary, which can be really difficult when one of you is emotionally involved.

I'm not saying you HAVE to follow my advice. But I think that, given all the stuff you've gone through recently, diving into another relationship (even if it's "strictly sex") might not be the best thing to do for yourself. Do you want to have to be constantly checking to be sure neither of you is getting too emotionally involved, or constantly prepared for one of you to end it? I guess I just wonder if that sort of stress is helpful for your system right now, you know?

^^ I LOVE your advice and I will always take it
And you know what, this is a very sticky thing for me because of the fact I am thinking the same way you are. I sometimes feel myself falling for little things he does, but at the same time I KNOW I don't need a relationship right now and I have told myself this over and over again.

He makes me happy and distracts me which is what I need right now. I know it may not last forever, but for right now, that feeling is good...oh lawd...what have I got myself into...

As long as this guy isn't A) a creep in disguise, B) preventing you from getting youe "me time," cause that is a super important thing to have right now.

Hey guys! I've been super busy lately with traveling for Thanksgiving, school and life. Although nothing is very interesting at the moment, it seems like everything is just hitting the fan.

For starters, right before Thanksgiving break, J tried coming back into my life, claiming I could take the place of the girl he has been hoarding away in his NEW apartment with her in North Dakota while he is working this temporary job. He claims they are not dating, but yet he bends over backwards for her AND pays for her to live there with him while she sits in "their apartment" because thats cheaper than a hotel room. Whatever. He tried telling me that if we worked on things that could finally be me there instead of her. I'm completely not even interested and just the fact he tried holding that over my head made me happier when I turned around and said F off. I have finally learned, yes it was a slow process, but I'm there.

I spent Thanksgiving in Chicago with my family, and that was exactly what I needed. For the first time in months I felt so relaxed it kind of scared me. I am constantly trying to keep myself busy back home, it was weird not having anything set to do. I'm doing so much better than I was when all of this first starting happening, but at the same time I only seem to be in a better place with the Jack situation and not my dad...

When we got home from Thanksgiving, ALL of my dads stuff was packed and gone. Nothing was left but one thing...the build a bear I got for Ayden and brought to the hospital...there it was on the cold floor with nothing else. I saw it and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I went up to my room and probably cried for a good hour or two, even. I had to get out that night, so my friend and I decided to go see Twilight. I need more girls nights out! Seriously!!!

Well, I"m about to go work out, but things are good!

Good for you, Cait! I'm so glad you've gotten to where you see that J is not good for you. You deserve so much better. It was really mean and vindictive of your dad to leave the bear behind. You deserve a lot better than you get from your dad too. I'm glad things are getting better for you.

I'm always cheerin' for you, lady! So glad your getting some perspective and keeping your chin up

It's very easy to say...NEW year, NEW me. I left a lot of stuff back in 2011. I need a fresh start and I have just that. I am also welcoming myself back. Things in life have been so busy and hetic I just always forget to find the time, but I did want to pop in and update ya'll!

I am 98.9% sure I am healed and recovered from J. As of right now I have no feelings for him, or I don't hold any against him. I am very, very happy with life at the moment and I am so happy he isn't in any part of what I do. I am finally making my own decisions, which...has been really hard for me. J always made decisions for me. I am branching out, I go out more, I hang out more. Overall, I'm finding out who I really am. I am discovering so many new things about myself, both good and bad.

I took the new year in with a bang, with a wonderful person. I really had an awesome time! I am still seeing P (who I mentioned in the beginning of the diary). As of right now it is "no strings attached" and seems to be working really well for us. Maybe more will develop, but right now I feel like I"m not ready to make another commitment for a relationship.

Another HUGE thing that has happened within the last couple months. My dad is completely moved out and now living with my step mom and brothers in Illinois. I actually got to see Ayden over Christmas and I couldn't be any happier!!! He is so adorable and I miss him so much. My dad and I are on speaking terms again, but we really don't talk too often. Hardly at all, actually.

Well, I have to run, but I do promise to keep you guys updated a lot more!

I literally have no luck this year

1. I had to work drunk and hungover, which wasn't fun at all.

2. I got into my first accident of the season. A guy pulled out in front of me into my lane, and in order to miss him hitting me head on, I swerved to the slide and with the roads being really bad the whole back end of my car slid out and I slid a good 100+ feet into a ditch. Luckily I am okay and Im only walking away having to fix my left side mirror.

3. Today....I snapped my glasses in half and now I have the biggest headache of my life. They are un-fixable.

Please someone send me some good luck!

1 was avoidable! Better decision making isn't luck.

I had someone a long time ago whose first initial was J. I thought I was over him, and I posted as such. Big congratulatory "I'm over him" posts... I think that was me on my way, when I really wanted to be over him, and was convincing myself I was, even though I wasn't. However, I wasn't nearly as badly in it for him as you were.

As for #1 being avoidable... It's not necessarily better decision making, she might have been called in to work at short notice! Has happened to me before.

Emma, you made a very good point...I think I try to make myself believe Im over him. It's been 5 months and yet some days are the easiest days of my life, others I just want to break down into his arms. I can honestly say I am better off without him, I am finally figuring out who I am in life and this is something I could have never done if I was still stringing along with him. He has his own new life now, and Im not apart of that.

Im afraid to love again...Part of me is afraid that the same thing will happen to me if I give myself to someone else, but I have to think differently about it, because no one will be J again. I made a promise to myself to never go through that no matter what the circumstances.

I know in my heart we will never be "Caitlyn and J" again, and I think I am 100% sure I'm okay with that.

Guys! I don't even know where to start! Life is just full of craizness lately!

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Cait, are you doing alright? I checked out your blog few days ago and saw some rather cryptic posts. Now it says the blog has been removed. Hope you are okay.