There's a guy who was/is my best friend. Long story short, we were really close my freshman year, both moved and lost contact, reconnected 3 years later, became best friends (with benefits). I had just got a little bit of money and was visiting him 4 hours away all the time. Honestly, I was kinda his sugar mama in a way despite me being younger haha. I had no problems with it because we were having a lot of fun and at the time I had the money to spend. We'd go out drinking, go to shows, party hard. Between driving up there all the time and partying with him all the time - I spent a lot of money with this guy. I also paid for him to help me move halfway cross the country...I paid for us to stay in a pretty nice hotel in NOLA that wasn't cheap, paid for most of his food along the way, and paid for the one way ticket to send him back to Atlanta. In hindsight, I wish I had chosen another friend to take with me. I don't know that he really appreciated the trip...

Jumping to what this is really about -

I got a new straightener when I moved here. It's nothing fancy...spent about $50 on it but now that I no longer have money, it was kind of a big deal that I spent that and I only did because the straightener I have now is ancient and kind of sucks. This new straightener cut the time it takes to straighten my hair in half.

Now of course after living here for a month I got homesick and really missed him and I paid to fly out and see him for a weekend. It started as his idea and since I was so down in the dumps I just wanted to get out. We had a crappy weekend but the status of our friendship is fine. However, I left my straightener out there. This was back in June, it's now approaching December.

I asked him to send it back and never saw anything despite him saying he would. For my birthday in September I asked him please, that's all I wanted for my birthday was for him to send me my straightener. He swore he would and said to me, "I just need to make the time to do it and actually just do it for you. I'm gonna get it done, promise." Yeah, bs.

I'm like legitimately hurt over this and it's kind of ruining my friendship with him. I have a feeling that I am going to just have to consider this one a loss and I'll probably never see my straightener but I straight up just texted him saying how hurt I was that I did so much for him and spend so much money with him and he can't do one small thing for me that would take 20 minutes tops to get done. I don't know if that was rude to say or not but I'm just kind of over it all.

Is it silly that I am hurt over him not sending me my straightener? I guess it's not just about the straightener but the fact that I feel like I did a lot a lot for this guy and he can't find time to do one small thing for me - put something in a box and go to the post office and ship it off. This is something that is really harming the way I think of him. Am I crazy? Overreacting?

No, I don't think you're exaggerating. If someone left something at my house I'd get it posted back to them within a week maximum - how hard is it, really? He can't possibly have been busy every single day for six months. I know you said you enjoyed spending money on him at the time which is fine but if he doesn't appreciate what you spent on him and can't find, like you say, 20 minutes out of the 1,440 minutes that are available to him every day, then is he really your friend? It's not so much about the straighteners, it's about realising that this isn't really a reciprocal friendship. Sure he might not have as much money as you but friendship is about more than that.

Girl, I hear you. Its not really the straightener, its the principle.

I had a friend like this in Sydney. She was pretty down and out on her luck, just lost her job etc so I lent her my old laptop that I had planned to give to my mom for her to use for a few weeks while she shopped around for a new one. Fast forward to me moving out of the state, asking her repeatedly to give me back the borrowed laptop; never happened.
I moved over here, and kept asking her to just post it back to me. She kept making excuses, saying she didn't want it to get damaged in the mail etc. She asked if my mom could drive down and pick it up. My mom lives 6 hours drive away, and she knows that.

In the end I cut my losses; with her and the computer. I told her straight up I didn't care that much about the computer, but my feelings were really hurt that she took advantage of my good nature, and tried to take advantage of my families nature. I'd explained to her that the laptop was a gift for my mum to say thanks for moving me across the country, and was really important to me, but she obviously didn't care.

She blew up at me when I told her I was done with her, accusing of me of only caring about the computer - and I have a feeling your friend might do the same; but it is nothing if not a weak defense on their part.

It sucks to have to cut the fat in your life, especially when they've taken you for a bit of a ride because its a bit of a kick in the shins to your pride, but sometimes its necessary; because you'll only end up having to keep asking him, chances are he wont do it, and its just one giant tail chasing circles. It really is just lazy and inconsiderate; which is tolerable, but not when you've gone out of your way for him.

It is not the straightener. It is the fact that it was important to you, he knows it is important to you, yet he doesn't make it important enough to do this one little thing.

I had a so called friend like this...well, more than one, but this one in particular. It was easy to make promises, easy to say "I'm going to do this or that" but not possible to follow through on anything. The fact that this is such an easy thing to do and that he still doesn't do it should be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. He can take just fine, and somehow twist it around that he's doing you a favor, but somehow can't work it up to do this one little thing?

If you can possibly manage it, freeze him out for a while, if not forever. Can you imagine it you'd counted on him for something important like a bail call, or a kidney? After a point, you realize empty promises just don't mean much. I did this with my narcissist of a friend and at first it was hard for me. We always enjoyed each other's company and understood and shared things others didn't...however, once I broke the habit (and it was like giving up a bad drug)it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Please, for your own self-esteem,give it a try.

Hugs.

Keep On Dancing*

Thanks guys. Good to know I'm not wigging out over something small. I can't really freeze him out that well...we don't talk that much anymore. Once I moved away we kind of did the same thing we did last time we separated from each other...stopped talking. We talked for like the first month or two I was here and now it's pretty rare.

After I texted him this morning at 7:30am I didn't receive anything back and at 1pm I just sent a "Cool..." I know he's working but I also know he's checking his phone and it just drives me batty how rude he's being about the situation.

I just feel pretty unappreciated by a friend that I was there for not only in a way where I was paying for both of us to have large amounts of fun but also I was really there for him when he was going through a lot of problems and helped kind of pick him back up from a few incidents. Is it really that hard to send something in the mail? I mean, my friend left her sunglasses at my house right after graduation when I was about to move and I got them out the next day because that's what I would want someone to do for me. It's just really annoying but at least I know I'm not overreacting. Really appreciate the input.

It can be annoying to get something sent over. You have to go to the post office in business hours etc, I'm talking 2-3 week annoying, not 6 month annoying though. Especially if you're reminded a few times. That said my Mum is utterly hopeless with sending stuff over- took her the whole winter to get the heater in the car for one of the trips up (at least 3 trips), that was spring before I got it.

I'd also be pretty upset if I was you. Probably send a couple for guilt messages and give up.

I'm going to say that yeah, you are making a big deal out of the straightener. You're turning something small and insignificant (a straightener) into something huge, deep, and emotional (about your friendship).

I am terrible about getting errands like that done. I have a two-month old check for $12 but I haven't gone to the bank yet even though I've thought about it every day since I've had it. I'm also horrible about sending things that need to go to the post office, too, unless I have an actual deadline.

I say cut your friend some slack. He's probably just lazy like me, or else he knows he has to do it but doesn't remember until after the post is closed, then forgets again the next day...

It's only a $50 straightener. While it would be nice to have it back, I don't think it hardly equates to feeling like your friendship is in jeopardy because of it. I totally understand being frustrated at the situation, but you can't fairly equate him getting to the post office to send your straightener to the fact that you spent a ton of money on him in the past. It's not equal, and it's not fair to be mad at HIM for things that YOU have done for him in the past.

I can't imagine "freezing out" a good friend over some stupid principle. You said you spent all that money on him voluntarily, so you can't hold him responsible for that. And YOU left the damn thing. It's not like he stole it. So yeah, he's lazy and obviously not reliable. But does that mean you need to throw away a friendship just because he won't send you your straightener? I think that's petty. If you don't want to spend money on him, stop spending money on him. If you're mad at him for not sending your straightener, that's fine. But is this worth losing a friend? Not IMO.

Putting aside what it all means for a moment... if you really want the straightener back, mail him a flat padded envelope with a pre-paid label affixed to the front and an easy peel-and-stick closure. Then all he has to do is stick the straightener in the envelope, close it up and drop it in a box. No effort whatsoever. Then call and text and call and text until he does it.

I get what you're saying, Chris and Trout. I really do. I know I made it seem like it's about the fact that I spent a lot of money with him but it's really not. I was upset this morning because he was driving me batty but it's more of the fact that if a friend had left something at my place 1000 miles away, regardless of if that friend had some a million nice things for me or none, and they had begged and begged me to send it back and I didn't, I would feel like I was being rude and a bit of a let down. I know it's my fault for leaving my straightener and I take full responsibility for that but I guess I just need to learn that what my expectations are for myself (ie: I wouldn't have someone's possession at my house for 6 months after they have asked repeatedly to have it shipped back) I can't have for other people.

By saying I feel like this is harming my friendship with him I in no way meant that our friendship was over because of this. I still love the guy as one of my best friends and we were both here for each other when we really needed each other like I said, I was just a bit annoyed with him and feeling kind of let down. I have no resentment towards spending the money I did and our friendship isn't based around what money I did spend and honestly, I shouldn't have even brought money up. I don't expect him to do this for because I spent money on him - I just kind of expected him to do this for me because we are friends and I would do it for him. But like I said, I guess I just need to not have the same expectations for people that I have for myself.

I've been kind of annoyed with him for various other reasons that don't even start with the straightener so I guess the straightener issue was just the icing on the cake this morning.

D4j, that is honestly a great idea and I would totally do that if it wasn't for the fact that I know it would just get pushed aside somewhere in his room and he'd continue to forget about it. The only way I can really see myself getting it back is making a trip to Atlanta myself...which seeing as how I have no immediate family in Atlanta anymore, I can't see that happening any time soon. :\

That's why I said text and call - to an annoying extent. Or, does he live with anyone who you could recruit to whack him over the head with the envelope? Or call his mommy/girlfriend/best friend, embarrass him on facebook, do something to light a fire under his butt?

^That seems SO extreme for a straightener.

The reason he's probably not jumping to send it back (even though you've said it's important to you) is because it seems like such a small issue. To him, it's probably JUST a straightener. There's no need to publically embarrass him or contact a family member over something so small.

To you, Brittany, it means a lot because it has emotions attached to it. To him, however, it's probably nothing more than a $50 straightener.

Maybe show him this tread? Or be totally open and honest with him and tell him how it's really making you feel, that it's more than just an issue with the straightener and you feel like it's actually becoming an issue. If you make it totally, 100% clear with him that this is a real problem, and tell him that it's hurting your feelings.

I understand how your feelings are hurt, but when it comes down to it, he's just being lazy about going to the post office. It's not like he's doing this to intentionally hurt your feelings.

Its not really about the straightener though. Its about asking your friend for an important favour, something that means something to you and them just not doing it.

Sometimes its easy to get into a relationship where you give, give and give and they never really give anything back. The fact that he knows this is important to you, and is STILL not doing anything about it, is what hurts.

Or call his mommy/girlfriend/best friend, embarrass him on facebook

Only if you want to look like a GIGANTIC DOUCHE. SHE's asking HIM for a favor. SHE left the thing. HE has no responsibility to send it back. Sure, he should be nice and just do it. But it's not like he made her leave it at his house. OMG, this advice is supremely bitchy. I mean, if you think you could get it back by asking his best friend, fine. But asking his mommy simply to embarrass him - that is not something one does to a friend.

And you know I wouldn't do that, Chris...not my style.

I actually realized that the other morning my phone had been cut off and my texts didn't go through (although it looked as if they did) and one of the main reasons I was annoyed enough to make a post about it was because he hadn't replied even though he had been posting on facebook via his phone so I knew he had seen it.

I texted him yesterday (with a little bit nicer of a tone, mind you) just saying pretty much the same thing...that I was a little bit hurt that he couldn't take the time to do something for me after this long and he texted back saying he was sorry and that he just kept forgetting when he actually had money and asked that I please don't hate him. Told him I could never hate him but that I was just a bit annoyed and then suggested putting it somewhere he would see it all the time and asked if I needed to send out an envelope his way. He told me that wasn't necessary and to just remind him on Saturday so he doesn't forget.

So it looks like maybe I'll be getting it back. Honestly, I'm not getting my hopes up but maybe it will happen.

I meant like in a joking way and if she is close to anyone else in his circle, like friendly teasing. Sometimes if you call someone on their behavior in front of others it will make them change. Since she says the the straightener is symbolic for her of more than just a needed implement, then yea, why not tease him and embarrass him a little about it? If he's the one being a jerky friend then I don't see it as wrong to call him on his actions a little more forcefully. Just asking over and over and hoping he'll do something about it seems weak to me. What's the harm in posting a funny picture on his fb wall of a messy-haired model and then a comment like 'missing my straightener, when are you sending it?' Not like, calling up mummy and saying hello mrs. so-and-so will you get your son to send me my straightener? No, not that. But if she knows and is close to the mom she could find a way to slip it in to conversation. A little passive aggressiveness, lol, but better than just waiting, waiting, waiting and getting more and more annoyed with him.

Are you with Verizon? Something has been up with texts...I just got a bunch of replies to stuff I thought I sent a week ago. And I was also getting annoyed with somebody not answering, heh.

Here is the link to the U. S. Postal Service flat rate box.

It is so easy...easier than sending a text and waiting for an answer.
www.usps.com . . .

Good luck.

Keep On Dancing*

And you know I wouldn't do that, Chris...not my style.

Of course I know that!

But if she knows and is close to the mom she could find a way to slip it in to conversation.

The problem with the advice you're giving her is that YOU WOULDN'T DO IT YOURSELF! Would YOU call up your friend's mommy and involve her in an argument between you and your friend? Of course not. Your advice sucks.

I don't care if you think my advice sucks. I've done it myself when I'm friends with both. The point I'm trying to get across is why not apply a little pressure instead of quietly being hurt about it behind his back. They are supposedly best friends. The friendship should be able to handle some honesty and perhaps a little reminding through some peer pressure on how to be a friend. The guy sounds totally immature - someone needs to tell him how to be a friend. Barring that, I certainly know what I would say: Dude, send me my straightener or you owe me $50. And I certainly wouldn't spend another cent on him until he sent it to me.

why not tease him and embarrass him a little about it?

Um, because friends shouldn't have a goal to embarrass one another? Nor do they need peer pressure. This isn't ANYONE else's business. It is solely between Brittany and her friend. Nobody else should be involved in this unless you are in junior high school.

A little passive aggressiveness, lol, but better than just waiting, waiting, waiting and getting more and more annoyed with him.

Again, passive aggressiveness is not attractive in relationships nor is it an effective way to get people to do what you want them to do. It is a form of manipulation and really do you want friends that manipulate you? Passive aggressive behavior stems from people not being able to communicate their anger in a healthy way. Brittany, DO NOT do this if you value your friendship.

I agree it is crappy he's not sending your straightener back but it is not a priority to him. That doesn't mean that he doesn't value you or your friendship...that's just a story we make up (not saying you are doing this, but that's what I would be telling myself.) He doesn't understand why it is important, he probably has good intentions when he tells you that he's going to send it and other things come up. Again, I'm not saying it is right, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you. I'd be really really direct with him and say something like, "When you don't keep your word it hurts my feelings. I trust you when you say you're going to do something and I want to always believe and trust in you." If he says he'll send it, ask him when he's putting it in the mail so he sets his own deadline, and ask him if you can count on him to do it because doing something he says when he says he is going to do it is an important part of your friendship and you'll do the same for him in the future. Being a procrastinator I've done something similar to this in the past in my 20's and luckily learned from that.

Coming from a place of love and understanding doesn't create resentments...but being passive aggressive often can.

I've done it myself when I'm friends with both.

You're saying you have involved a friend's mother in an argument you're having with your friend? At your age? I don't believe you. And if that IS true, I hope you realize that most of us learned not to tattle on our friends when we were like 10. Advising someone to be passive-aggressive (lol) is just plain stupid. Passive-aggressiveness is ALWAYS an UNDESIRABLE trait. It's counterproductive. Do you actually know what passive-aggressive means? Because no one in their right mind would actually recommend passive-aggressiveness EVER.

Sigh, you guys aren't getting my humor. I don't mean manipulation or sneaky stuff! I mean joking around! Let's call the offender 'Joe'. You haven't ever had a conversation with a mutual friend similar to this: They tell you they just spoke with Joe - and you go oh yeah good ole Joe, I've missed getting together with him. Hey, next time you see him will you whack him on the back of the head for me cuz I've been waiting on him to send me my straightener now for six months. And then friend sees Joe and says hey were your ears burning the other day cuz me and OP were talking about you - we should all get together sometime soon and oh yea, dude send her back her straightener cuz you're being a doofus about it.

Absolutely not! I do not drag other people into my business. You're advising her to be a malicious gossip. When I have a problem with someone, I deal with it directly. I don't talk about that person behind their back. And do you know why? Because I'm not a GIGANTIC DOUCHEBAG.

Hopefully this gets resolved! I don't know your friend at all, so I am not passing judgement on him here, but rather other people I know. (disclaimer ) Sometimes I don't think guys appreciate the value of some of these hair products. Once we took my brother to Ulta (a beauty store) with us and he was just browsing around and when he saw how much money they cost I thought he was going to hit the floor. For me, not only it is an expensive pice of hair equipment but it is something I use at least every other day! Making it even more valuable to me!