I am not sure if i'm crazy, confused because I've never done this before or what but I need a little advice on what to do with these ladies.

FMIL situation: FI and his family moved into their house about 12 years ago, and his mother became quiet good friend with his neighbour (who is crazy) over the past few years. Let me make is clear that crazy neighbour was never a part of his life, just friends with his mom. In fact there have been many situations where crazy neighbour has really stepped on FI's toes, and crossed over lines, (which I will not get into here). She is just nuts, and overtly nosey. FI has made it MORE than clear that he does not want her involed in our wedding in any way shape or form. He refuses to even be at his mother's house when this looney-toon is there. FMIL was insisting for a while that crazy neighbour be invited to the wedding, FI and FMIL got into a huge argument in our living room about the situation, and he said either crazy neighbour will be there, or he will be there (at the wedding) to which FMIL said "oh we can talk about this later" and she keeps trying to bring it up! If that wasn't bad enough she is trying to drag me into it, every time I reply the same way "This is between you and your son. He is the one that I am marrying, and this is up to him, whatever he chooses I will support his decision", which she goes on to try and pressure me to allow crazy neighbour to be invited (which annoys me, since we don't have extra money and have had to cut friend and people we love off of the guest list already)!

Everythign was okay and quiet for a while until it got leaked to me that FMIL is now ASKING crazy neighbour for help with MY shower and with the social (pre-wedding party, big in Manitoba, no where else) along with the next day brunch! The part that really pisses me off about this, more than FMIL going behind our back to let this happen, is that if she were to ask any of our aunts, sisters, BMs, MOH, cousins, they would be MORE than thrilled to help out any way they could, instead she is allowing someone that FI HATES to have a fairly large role in helping plan events for me/us.

I have no idea what to do anymore. FI tried talking to her once, and honestly I do not really want to get into it with FMIL, but I am really worried that she is going to destroy her relationship with her son.

On top of this FMIL said the other day that WE are making it really hard on HER by not inviting crazy neighbour! FI flew off the handle at this, and nothing else was said. How are we making it harder on her? She is making it hared on herself!

Anyone have words of wisdom??

Could your fiancé talk to the neighbour himself? Perhaps she isn't even that interested in going but your FMIL keeps telling her that she's going to be able to come and that it's not a problem, etc. Maybe if fiancé went over and said that he was aware that she wanted to be there for the special day but that unfortunately you are not able to accommodate everyone and that you're having to make difficult cuts from the guestlist.

Not married...but just a thought.

This is going to sound cowardly, but please consider this point of view.

I have often contended that the reason humans go to war is that it is easier than living in peace. Peace is hard, if not sometimes impossible. In this case, it sounds as if your future husband can not see himself living in peace with this woman who is his mother's close friend. Tough spot for both you and the mother in law, although I do agree, the mother in law should have dropped it and found a way out rather than go to the mat for the friend. However, now that this is clearly out of control, it may be time to offer a compromise.

"Glinda, (or whatever her name is)I understand that you feel close to Mrs. Kravitz and want to include her in this very important event. However as you know your son Prince Charming has very strong feelings about her and it seems this is not going to change before the wedding. We want everyone to have fond memories of our wedding as well as the festivities surrounding it. It is understandable that Prince feels betrayed by Mrs. Kravitz having such a huge part in this happy occasion, especially since she does not make him happy! I know this is uncomfortable for you, but it is uncomfortable for all of us as long as it continues to be a source of contention.

"The Aunts and Cousins would be thrilled to assist in the event planning and I'm sure, if asked, would be flattered and more than willing to do whatever you ask. They might also be hurt if you exclude them in favor of a friend your son dislikes. If you could see your way clear to re-think this over-involvement of Mrs. Kravitz in our wedding events, perhaps I can persuade him that sending her a wedding invitation is something he can compromise on."
---
I know this may sound like you are siding against your future husband, but there isn't any reason he has to have much to do with her on the day of your wedding. Sit her at the table farthest away from your table and assign a close friend or relative to keep her away from him as a special favor to you. In fact, your mother in law should do this since she is well aware of her son's feelings and knows all the history, and also will know that the invitation is on her behalf, not the friend's. If you allow your mother in law to make this issue so important you are going to have to spend hundreds of hours brooding over it, discussing it, listening to him rant about it, and watching the future MIL pout or plot some other way to make it up to her friend at your expense. It may seem unfair, but if you can give her the stinking invite to the wedding on the condition that she keep her out of everything else, it may be worth it.

If your fiance won't budge on this, or if your future mother in law insists on being overbearing and selfish, my best suggestion is to move at least one thousand miles away. It sounds extreme, I know, but I wish I'd done it!

My very best wishes to you. A wedding should be one of the happiest day of your life. I hope this is the last issue that threatens to rob your joy.

Keep On Dancing*

I basically agree with Christine. I really do not believe in the whole "It's all about me me me me me, it's MY special day!!!" attitude pertaining to wedding planning (not saying that's you; just saying that I know a lot people who do feel that way would disagree with me). Parents are a big part of the wedding day. They have probably been thinking about what this day would be like for a long time, and it's very special to them. I don't think it's unreasonable that they would want to have their closest friends in attendance during such a special event. I think your FMIL's feelings are probably being/going to be hurt a lot more by not having this friend in attendance than yours or your fiance's will be by having her there. If you can get over the principle of it, the reality is that you are probably barely even going to notice she's there. She's just going to be one guest of many in attendance at your wedding.

As far asking the neighbor for help with the social events, I'm not sure what to say about that, because it sounds like you yourself may not know the full story (seeing as how the info was "leaked" to you and not given firsthand). I guess the way I would approach it would be to say, "Hey, FMIL, I heard that you're going to be planning a shower for me as well as the social and next-day brunch. That is so incredibly generous of you, and I appreciate your help so much! I know I have some friends and relatives who would really like to help you plan those events, so why don't I send them your contact information so they can get in touch with you?" Because honestly, if she is taking on the planning for all of those events herself, that really is quite nice of her. So then I don't know if you want to jump in and start telling her who she can and can't ask to help her, since these events are being planned as a gift to you, in your honor, and she really doesn't have to do any of them if she doesn't want to. But at least by putting your other friends and relatives in touch with her, the neighbor will not have quite so much input, and you'll have more of a chance of having people who really know you give their input on what you would like.

I'm with ^ and ^^, too. When I look back at my friends' and family members' weddings, the parents of the bride and groom have always gotten to bring a group of their own friends, even when the bride/groom don't know the friends well and certainly wouldn't invite them on their own accord. I've already accepted the fact that a solid table or two at my reception will be dedicated to my parents. *shrugs*

To me a wedding isn't a special day for the couple ONLY, it's a special day for the families and friends of the families. This lady is your FMIL's best friend, it seems. Unless this lady abused your fiance, I really don't see what she could have done that warrants this level of animosity. Just let your FMIL bring her friend. It's one person.

As for the brunch and social planning - get the whole story. What is her role ACTUALLY going to be. I'm sorry, but if she's going to be delivering flowers and setting up name tags behind the scenes, be thankful. It's less stress and less work for you and your family so you can enjoy the actual party. If she's the bartender or MC, talk with FMIL about a more appropriate role, and definitely volunteer your own friends and family.

You need to rise above this to help fiance rise above this. Your attitude is going to play a HUGE role in how your fiance handles "crazy lady" being at the wedding. There is NO REASON to enable him to ruin his relationship with his mother over one person. I understand that you want to support him and his beliefs, but this deep seeded hatred is totally unwarranted unless she was abusive to him growing up. If YOU take the attitude of, "Honey, let's let it go. It's one person. Can you please not let this one lady ruin our special day? It makes your mom happy, and we love your mom. Now, about the cake flavors..." then he's likely to respond in a more graceful manner. With BOTH of you getting so angry, it's bound to lead to self-destruction and fighting.

1. Whether crazy neighbor lady should be invited or not depends on who is footing the bill. If FMIL is paying any portion, she is certainly entitled to invite someone who is a close friend. If not, then yes, she is crossing a line by insisting.

2. If someone is throwing you a shower, it's up to them who is involved. When I got married, I told my family I didn't want to have a shower. I hate showers. They're silly to me and I don't enjoy them. But my mom's cousin really wanted to give me one, so I sucked it up and went and was gracious and appreciative.

3. Dealing with the in-laws in general is something that needs to be handled by your FI. They're his family, and it's his job to make it known that he's going to stand by you now. He chose you as his partner. If you make this assertion yourself, she will label you as possessive and manipulative, so it has to come from him. Even if she tries to drag you into the melee, hand it off to him.

Coccinella - Ehhhh... I don't think that's a good idea. That's basically going out of your way to tell someone they aren't invited, and there's just no nice way to do that.

I would also like to point out that even if she comes, it's not the end of the world. You don't have to spend time with her, beyond the obligatory "Hi and thanks for coming" pleasantries. Then you are free of obligation there and can spend the rest of your reception with your loved ones. Let MIL and her keep each other entertained.

Arak wrote:

1. Whether crazy neighbor lady should be invited or not depends on who is footing the bill. If FMIL is paying any portion, she is certainly entitled to invite someone who is a close friend. If not, then yes, she is crossing a line by insisting.

I disagree with that. If space is at a premium, and people are already having to not be invited - people both and the bride and groom want to be there, then they get first pick at who attends their wedding. If space were not an issue, then I'd agree with letting whoever is footing the bill bring/invite guests.

I think the answer you've been giving is the answer you need to stick with. If you FI feels that strongly, I would not seemingly side with your FMiL. This is his wedding day too and his input is as valid as yours, or for that matter, you FMiL. However, I don't see that the crazy neighbor helping with the shower is such a bad thing. It seems like a good compromise since your FI is adamant that she will not be at the wedding. Is you FI worried that if he gives in to letting her help at the shower that you FMiL will take that as a sign that she can crash the wedding too? If he is, he might need to tell his mom that he understands that she has gone behind his back and has enlisted the crazy neighbor to help with the shower. He can tell her that as she is throwing the shower, she is within her rights to include who she sees fit, *however*, crazy neighbor needs to understand that she is not welcome at the wedding and if she arrives she will be escorted from the premises. You just keep saying that you will support his decision, that this is also his wedding and you respect his opinion.

The shower is your FMiL doing, and so you really don't have a lot of leeway in the matter. It's obvious she doesn't respect his opinion and is determined to have her crazy neighbor involved somehow, so perhaps the shower is the least of the evils? I second this:

Jonelle wrote:

"Hey, FMIL, I heard that you're going to be planning a shower for me as well as the social and next-day brunch. That is so incredibly generous of you, and I appreciate your help so much! I know I have some friends and relatives who would really like to help you plan those events, so why don't I send them your contact information so they can get in touch with you?"

Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate it and am trying to find a middle ground between everything.

Somethings that I should have mentioned or overlooked are:

-FI and I are paying for the wedding his parents are not contributing.
-Origionally FI and I were going to elope to Belize and invite friends and family to come along and have a small reception after. FMiL threw a fit, my mother had a smaller 'it's you're wedding but I would like...' fit! We decided to appease and have the wedding here.
-We wanted to get married outside, and then the same person threw a kanipshon fit needing us to get married in a church,so we deceded that if it was THAT important that we would just get married ina church.
-clearly we are trying to make everyone happy, we know it is also about two families coming together, not just about US.
-We offered each parent the ability to invite one friend (and their guest) since we are footing the bill and really want to keep things small. FMIL decided she wanted to invite someone else, not crazy neighbour.

-also this is a joing colaboration between my mother and his, I have a very very small family and my mother really wants the joint shower, they also all get along for the most part. My mother is the reason that I know neighbour is being involved, she is the one that told me because she knows that the feelings are and she did not want me blindsighted, she in no way is trying to push one way or the other.
-Crazy lady is also NOT FMIL's 'best friend' they are good friends, I just don't want this idea of 'best friend' to be thrown around. In fact some days FMIL complains about this crazy lady as much as FI does.

One of the largest problem is that I feel betrayed, and thrown into the middle of all of this. I am adamat in supporting FI on whatever he chooses, but I know that absolutly no amount of communication, middle ground, therapy, bribery, anything will change his mind on this subject. In fact his sentiments on this whole topic were exposed long before we ever got engaged and started planning. He is a grown man and I cannot change who he likes or does not like. I am also bothered that FMIL is putting her relationship with crazy neighbour before her relationship with her son...

Thanks for letting me talk ladies Unfortunatly I have no one else that I can talk to about this right now.

HollieErin wrote:

We offered each parent the ability to invite one friend (and their guest)...FMIL decided she wanted to invite someone else, not crazy neighbour.

Wait, so she decided she wanted her guest to be someone else, and now she's getting all pushy about inviting this woman as well? Or she wants to change her guest TO this woman? If it's the former, then you have every right to say "Sorry, but you already decided that your guest was going to be [other friend], and we need to stick to the one-guest-per-person rule because of cost." If it's the latter, then it's trickier-you did say "just one guest," so she is technically adhering to that, but at the same time, you are allowed to choose who you invite. I guess my advice in that case would be to think about how much it might bother you on the day. Are you going to want everything to be just right (which is not inherently a bad thing), or would you be willing to shrug her off if she gets to be MIL's guest? How will it affect your fiance?

Either way, I think you've got to be prepared to let MIL make her choice, unless you explicitly tell her "No, Crazy Neighbor cannot come." But if you don't, if you just tell her to pick one guest without specifying who it can't be, you'll have to be ready for her to choose Crazy Neighbor. So I guess in the end, it's really up to how you guys feel about your control over the wedding.

Are you having a sit-down kind of meal where you pay for each plate?

CienPorCientoPAZ wrote:

So I guess in the end, it's really up to how you guys feel about your control over the wedding.

HollieErin wrote:

FI and FMIL got into a huge argument in our living room about the situation, and he said either crazy neighbour will be there, or he will be there (at the wedding)

FI feels strongly about this, his input is as important as hers and he ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT want crazy neighbor there. I hold that you keep saying what you're saying and back your fiance. Also the added info does change my viewpoint a bit.

Since it's a joint party between your mom and FMiL, have your mom contact your friends or family to help as well. If your FMiL is going to side with crazy neighbor and put a rift between her and her son, that's her doing. It sounds like you've already compromised enough to suit everyone else. If you've both chosen this battle as the one where you draw the line, then draw the line and stick to your guns.

In my opinion, if crazy neighbor is helping behind the scenes for the party and you won't actually see her, then so be it - you'll have no way of knowing what input she gave or how she helped. However if crazy neighbor is going to be attending and helping with the party (and doubtlessly in pictures and whatnot) then that's a no go.

^I'm confused...why did you quote me?

HollieErin wrote:

Origionally FI and I were going to elope to Belize and invite friends and family to come along and have a small reception after. FMiL threw a fit, my mother had a smaller 'it's you're wedding but I would like...' fit! We decided to appease and have the wedding here.

Then this was your first mistake. You've kind of turned into a doormat concerning YOUR OWN wedding. So of course your FMIL thinks she can get you two to cave and let the friend come. All this family drama is the exact reason my fiance and I are getting married ALONE.

My advice to you? Find your inner bridezilla and put your foot down. This is YOUR wedding. So if you don't want her there, she can't come. Period.

Snot: At first I was mildly offended by your comment. However, in ligh of recent events.... you're dang tootin' right!!!


Ugh... it continues.

FI was at his mother's yesterday (I was not there) and apparently things have gotten worse. Whoever brought whatever up, all I know is that FI stayed strong saying that this is OUR wedding, and that there anr many friends we took off the list due to monetary constraints and that we are not about to invite people that we DO NOT want there. This is about us at the end of the day, we've done all that we are going to do to appease FMIL and make her happy, but the buck stops here. Apparently she broke down crying saying that FI and I are going to ruin her friendship with crazy neighbour.

Really? This is OUR fault now? Even though YOU wanted to invite SOMEONE ELSE?

FFIL jumped in backing up FMIL saying that we owe this to them. We owe it to them to invite someone that we do not like instead of our own near and dear friends? I don't think so.

FI told her that maybe she should consider her relationship with her son and his happiness over her neighbours.

I'm happy that I wasn't there for this.
When FI told me he was fuming mad and wants to go back to getting married in Belize. Wich annoys the carp out of me because I have done so much work on having the wedding here already and we would now be loosing a ton of money as well.

As Snot suggested, I am now channeling my inner bridezilla.... update to follow.

Sometimes it is worth the money and time spent to bag it and go to Belize where you can truly be happy and not have any of this craziness follow you. I'd seriously consider it if I were you. I had a destination wedding with 21 people (all my family and my best friend.) It was lovely and we were so glad to not have people there we just "had to" invite but didn't really want.

I agree with Renae... Go hop on a plane and go somewhere... screw everyone. Believe me I wish I had done the same.

FLY AWAY ...

I'm happy that I wasn't there for this.
When FI told me he was fuming mad and wants to go back to getting married in Belize. Wich annoys the carp out of me because I have done so much work on having the wedding here already and we would now be loosing a ton of money as well.

I'm not sure how many dollars constitute a ton, but the work you've done is going to be for naught anyway if this dynamic keeps up...and there is every reason to believe it will.

I'd secretly plan the wedding trip and when you and your fiance are satisfied that things are the way you want them just tell the immediate family. In the end, as long as they are included, everything else is unnecessary stress. It is already so full of power struggles, hard feelings, and feelings of entitlement there isn't one good reason to believe this is going to stop.

Sometimes it is worth the money and time spent to bag it and go to Belize where you can truly be happy and not have any of this craziness follow you. I'd seriously consider it if I were you. I had a destination wedding with 21 people (all my family and my best friend.) It was lovely and we were so glad to not have people there we just "had to" invite but didn't really want.

^This is a pretty impressive testimonial.

Perhaps if you go to Belize and have a close intimate group, you can still have a small reception at home (and perhaps re-coup some of the deposits)on a smaller, less expensive scale, just for your friends. Then you two can celebrate with your real friends, and the in-laws won't have a thing to say about it.

I'd bag all this tension now. This is only going to get worse.
Don't you want to have wonderful memories of your wedding day?

Keep On Dancing*

good luck whatever you do,sounds like a very complicated situation

If things are this bad already and you really want to do a destination wedding...do it. It's YOUR wedding and if this all means you're not going to be happy on your wedding day, then it'd be worth it even if you lost a lot of money.

Either way, I'm sorry this is happening and I hope it all works out and that you end up having a very happy wedding day.

You have my sympathy. My future MIL is... a lot of things, none of them good. That's why I my fiance and I are eloping. I hope things work out for ya!