oof. i had posted a question similar to this on a different board on here, but i feel that i didn't express my thoughts as well as i would've liked, and though i did receive great advice in return, i still feel as though there are unresolved issues i need advice on. if you actually read this, kudos for making it through a novel.

i feel like i just don't know how to deal with my anger sometimes. my roommate (i'm in college), as much as i love her, is always making plans with me to do something (like today, she said, "do you wanna go eat around 8 when i get back from my concert?"), then either forgets or cancels (today, she forgot about our plans to go eat and ordered food with other people instead. this isn't the first time that's happened. last weekend, she was supposed to go see a school show with me, and at the last minute, another one of her friends invited her to dinner and she went with her.) she tends to talk to me when i'm studying, even when i put in my headphones, but i try not to talk to her when she's doing homework. i just find it a little rude sometimes.

my biggest issue is that she is only interested in theatre. and specifically, only a few certain actors. it's all she talks about, non-stop. i am a theatre major, so the last thing i want to talk about it theatre with her. after being around it all day, i just can't deal with that. but i can't talk to her about much else, because she: 1. doesn't have other interests, so i can't talk to her about other music (she doesn't listen to anything besides musicals and music by these actors) or anything else, and 2. she'll just bring the conversation back to her. she tends to dominate conversations, and almost always talks about these actors. for instance, this past weekend, i performed in a school event (a tradition where students get drunk and go see the freshmen perform) that she said she was going to, but once again, accepted last minute plans, even though she already said she was going to this school event (says she forgot...in that case, she forgets things a lot of the time). i wanted to tell her about it, because she missed it, but sounded somewhat sincere that she had wanted to go. i knew she'd want to hear about my crazy night, and even had said to be a little while before, "i wanna hear about it!" when i tried to tell her, though, she kept interrupting my story with her stories about HER weekend, and the actors she's obsessed with. her forgetting about dinner with me tonight was the last straw for today, and now i'm just angry. she even said, regarding her concert, "oh, if you're done with your rehearsal by this time, you should definitely try to make it to our choir concert!" um, excuse me, but you seem to always just accept last minute plans, even when you say you'll come support/see me in something i'm in, so why should i bust my ass trying to get to your concert? she's not a mean person, nor does she try to get the attention of people. she's not the type of person who needs to draw attention to herself. i honestly just don't think she thinks about these things sometimes...she's not stupid by any means, she's extremely smart, but it seems to me that she only thinks about herself sometimes. we knew each other before coming to college & rooming together, but we weren't very good friends, just had met at camp a few summers ago and really got along there.

regarding her making other plans, it's just ridiculous to me that when she says, "ah, i wish i'd gone to the party with you" or something along those lines, she really does mean it, yet her other friends are more important. we're leaving for christmas break in a few days, and we were talking about next semester, and i casually joked, "you'll definitely have to come to some parties with me next semester, 'cause you always want to go!" (which she does want to go), and her response was, "i know! i always want to go, but things just come up, you know?" YES. i am fully aware that things come up. but when you say "oh i want to go to this party this weekend", and you say it on a monday, i expect that you're not going to accept plans that one of your friends proposes to you on thursday. i find it annoying that she just ditches plans so easily. i mean, it's completely fine to not be completely positive if you're going to go to the party with me or not, but if you say you want to go, don't accept plans with your other friend, then say, "i wish i could've gone, but so-and-so invited me to dinner." it just ridiculous. your dinner plans only entered the picture way after these party plans entered the picture. i feel like her other friends are more important sometimes. i know she went to this college because they had her major and it is very close to manhattan, which is where she really loves being. she has a lot of older friends who live in the city or visit the city often, so i understand that she wants to see them. she doesn't see them every day, like she sees me, but it seems to me that now she's seeing them every weekend.

i also discussed her crazy spending habits, especially on broadway shows. people on my other post brought up a very good point, that i shouldn't care how she spends her money, and that it's her family's business. i agree, it really is none of my business. but it just bothers me to no end when she talks about how she's going to see [insert name of a show here] for the [insert insane number here] time, or going to see all these new shows. as a theatre major, i'd love to see all these shows she's seeing, but i just can't afford it. by no means is my family going through difficult times where we have to drastically cut back on things. its just that my parents don't want me spending money to go see shows every weekend. i know there's student rush and lottos and stuff, but it really does add up. there's a ton of shows i want to see, but i, personally, just can't afford it. i'm not jealous of her getting to see these shows, i'm happy for her because i know she's really interested in it. but i'm just bothered when she comes back and talks about it non-stop, about how great the show was, and about how i would love it and should go see it.

i don't know how to handle my anger when it comes to things like this. taking a deep breath and trying to relax never work, and when i'm angry, i don't want to exercise. i feel like i just want to throw something against a wall, whether it's my phone, a ball, a book, a glass. are there any good ways i can deal with my anger? i tend to hold my anger in a lot of the time, so when i something is the final straw, i get really really angry and have to hold it in, making my day awful. i'm not a confrontational person, and especially since i live with her, i really do not want to start any drama or have conversation that could turn into something that would make this situation even worse. i just get so angry sometimes over things like this, especially when i'm stressed, but i'm the type of person who just holds it all in, lets it bottle up for a while, then when something is the final straw, i just withdraw from people socially/emotionally and have a mental breakdown, crying because i feel like everything in my life is a mess. and quite honestly, as an aspiring actor, this is no way to be. i build up these walls because i feel like i have no one to talk to about things like this. i don't have a solid relationship with my mom, and i feel like the rest of my family just doesn't get it. before, i used to be able to passive aggressively tweet about things i was angry about, but now that she follows me on twitter, i can't even do that anymore. she would know within 24 hours if i blocked her, and i really don't want to do that, because we do tweet at each other.

don't worry, i'm not rooming with her next year, mainly because i really need someone with other interests to room with. i've already got a roommate picked out, but i don't know how to nicely tell my roommate now that i'm not rooming with her next year. i love her and all, we make each other laugh non-stop and we definitely have some great times, but living with her is so much more different than i though it would be.

I'm not gonna be super crazy helpful here, because it sounds like alot of this would be solved by saying "I was super dissapointed when you said X and then did Y", and then seeing her response, but I just want to point out;

i'm not jealous of her getting to see these shows, i'm happy for her because i know she's really interested in it. but i'm just bothered when she comes back and talks about it non-stop, about how great the show was, and about how i would love it and should go see it.

Uh...that's pretty much the dictionary definition of being jealous. :/

Do you have any other friends, or are all your plans dependent on her to the point where if she cancels on you, you literally have nothing else to do? I get the impression that this is the case because a bit of flakiness tends not to bother people if they have other options, you know? It sounds like you're not only jealous that she gets to go to shows, you're jealous that she has tons of friends. She sounds like a very sociable and friendly person, who's trying to talk to you about things you're interested in, and you just stick your headphones in and ignore her, or throw things. I don't think you have "anger issues", I think you're just a little green-eyed and probably need to be a bit more sociable both with your roommate and with other people.

Theresa - I realize I just did not word that the way I had intended. It's usually shows she knows I want to see. It bothers me that she knows that I want to see these shows, and yet she continues to talk about them. I know that I'll get around to seeing them, which is exactly why I'm not jealous, it's just that she continually talks about them like I've seen them, ruining the show for me. (e.g. "Oh, when so-and-so did this in the show, I was literally dying, it was so great! You need to see so-and-so do this in the show, they were so amazing! When this happened, it was literally the greatest thing of my entire life!") It's not jealousy I'm feeling. I definitely know what that feels like. It's hard to describe, but it's definitely not jealousy. Not envy either. I just wish she'd stop talking about these shows and ruining the excitement of me going to see it. 'Cause after she tells me all about it, I feel like I don't even need to see it anymore since she's already given me a rundown of the whole show.

Louise - Yes, I do have other friends here. I do stuff with them too. It's just that my roomie and I also tend to make plans together, and ours always fall through, where as my plans with other friends generally happen. However, making plans for a weekend can sometimes be an issue, because my roomie and I will say, "Oh, we should do ___ this weekend!", so I try not to make other plans because I know exactly how it feels to cancel plans last minute on someone. And then at the very last second, she'll change her mind, and accept plans with these other friends of hers (who, by the way, aren't even college friends, all of them are out of college, so it's not even like she's making friends at college and hanging out with them). And it's either that she'll change her mind and go do something with her other friends instead, or she just won't make up her mind until the very last second, leaving me feeling awkward when all my other friends have planned things to do because I told them I wasn't sure what I was doing. I have made plans with friends for the weekend, and I am independent and can do my own thing, but when my roommate and I even discuss making plans for the weekend, I expect some common courtesy not to leave me feeling less important than her other friends. I understand very well that her other friends mean a lot to her, but I feel like she needs to reevaluate her priorities sometimes...are plans you made with your roommate earlier in the week that much less important than a last minute dinner plan with your other friends? I just don't understand why she just can't say no to these other friends once in a blue moon.
Also, to your response, I don't throw things. I said I feel like I want to throw something. I don't actually do it. In addition, I am a very sociable person and feel as though I've made a lot more friends than her, only because I don't go spend time with these other people practically every single weekend. I mean, she does have friends here, but I've never seen her hang out with any of them. I'm not criticizing that, I'm just observing. And I don't just throw my headphones in whenever. I do it when she keeps talking to me when I'm trying to do my work, because it always seems that the second I say I'm going to do my homework and put my headphones in (because I know that she's going to start talking and getting me distracted), she starts talking (about theatre, of course, and all her friends from home blah blah blah) to me.

In general, I feel like she just brought too much of her life prior to college here. It's great that she wants to see her friends on weekends, and that she wants me to be involved in her life, knowing who her friends from home and such, but there's a limit I feel she has passed, where she's just constantly talking about HER friends, HER life. I feel like whenever I want to say something about one of MY friends or something about MY life, that she just isn't interested because they're not HER friends or it's not something relevant to HER life.

I feel like this is at the point where you just need to let go. You obviously are not a priority in her life and you need decide if she is the kind of person that you want to be made one in yours. It sounds like she annoys you to no end so if I were you I give up on her and start cultivating some of those other friendships that have been suffering due to all of this other drama.

I get that it feels like you are being jilted by her over and over, and that hurts, but you need to realize that you can't control her actions and that this is just the way she is. Be happy you have a new roomie next year and don't let this eat up so much of your energy!

LiveLoveDance5 wrote:


In general, I feel like she just brought too much of her life prior to college here.

Seriously? I feel like it is really none of your business which friends of hers she chooses to associate with. If she had a social life before college that she still wants to be involved in, are you really saying that you don't think she should be ALLOWED TO? I still do plenty of things with my friends from high school, because, you know, they're my friends, and I like them and stuff? Just because she's at college doesn't mean that she needs to instantly shut off the rest of her life and focus solely on her roommate. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but that's the way it is. People can be friends with whoever they want to be, and if you don't like it, that's just too damn bad, because it's not up to you who your roommate chooses to be friends with.

Also, you can swear until you're black and blue that you're not jealous, but honey, you are. Like, REALLY.

Wouldn't the solution just be to stop making plans with her? If she doesn't follow through, don't even bother trying. Have you talked to her about her bailing? If it were me, next time she says "we should have drinks at ___" just tell her, you are tired of your plans falling through. If you are both home, fine, but you won't plan your weekend around her anymore when your plans normally fall through.

You make a TON of excuses for her behaviour and you really don't need to. You can rationalize about it all you want, but what's the point? The end result is the same, you are upset. If she wanted to hang out with you all the time, she would. You really need to stop lying to yourself and making excuses for everything and just accept that you aren't getting along as well as you thought you would and that you ARE kind of jealous.

I think you are just going to have to let it go and choose to not care anymore and realize that's what she does. You can accept it or just stop talking to her when you get a new roommate. If you do stay friends with her, just expect her to flake so when she doesn't you are pleasantly surprised and when she does you aren't upset.

As a side note, my good friend's parents pay for EVERYTHING in her life, from $2000 computers every other year to her full tuition and living expenses and stuff. It can be frustrating at times because she acts like she understands college hardships, but really she doesn't. At times it was hard not to be a little jealous. It's hard to be struggling sometimes when she's totally taken care of and whining about how her parents are going to buy her a new computer (yes, shes complained about that), but at the end of the day it wound up being a SEVERE handicap. She's in her mid-20s and just got her first job, a couple hours a week even though she has a master's degree because she has 0 work experience and probably will be in her 30s before she leaves her parents house and just starting to learn basic life lessons when everyone else will be long past that point. Things aren't always what they seem and I think I'll end up going a lot further in life because my parents DIDN'T spoil me.

mandakp wrote:

LiveLoveDance5 wrote:


In general, I feel like she just brought too much of her life prior to college here.

Seriously? I feel like it is really none of your business which friends of hers she chooses to associate with. If she had a social life before college that she still wants to be involved in, are you really saying that you don't think she should be ALLOWED TO? I still do plenty of things with my friends from high school, because, you know, they're my friends, and I like them and stuff? Just because she's at college doesn't mean that she needs to instantly shut off the rest of her life and focus solely on her roommate. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but that's the way it is. People can be friends with whoever they want to be, and if you don't like it, that's just too damn bad, because it's not up to you who your roommate chooses to be friends with.

Also, you can swear until you're black and blue that you're not jealous, but honey, you are. Like, REALLY.

Okay, whoa. I know you were trying to make a point, but just calm down. I felt completely targeted by your post, because I wasn't trying to imply that she should drop everything or not be friends with them. I'm not mad at her for still being friends with them. It's that I can never get a word in about my friends. EVER. It's fine if she wants to talk about her friends, but I feel like she only ever talks about HER. That's fine if she wants to talk about her friends & her life to me, it's how a balanced conversation works, but our conversations aren't balanced. They're always about whatever she wants to talk about that's relevant to her life. That's why I said I felt like she brought too much of her life with her. College is a time to make more friends. I completely understand that she has other friends, and that it's none of my business what she does with them, but when she comes back and only talks about her life and her friends, and I can't even get a word in about the event she had wanted to go to soooo badly this weekend but bailed on, I feel like only HER friends and whatever SHE does is important, regardless. I feel like if the conversation isn't centered around her life or something she wants to talk about, then the conversation isn't important. BY NO MEANS was I implying that she should drop everything and just spend time with me. I was saying that she brought TOO much of HER life. It's fine to bring stories about your friends, memories from home, funny moments that happened, etc. with you to college, but I think that she really just needs to realize that she dominates conversations about her life and doesn't give me a chance to share. I feel like she knows absolutely nothing about me in comparison to how much I know about her because of this.

Coccinella & xBallet_babex, you're right. I really do just need to let it go. I mean, she's not a mean person, I just think she's blithely unaware of how she dominates conversations, and how much her interest only in theatre really affect me. And you're right about going further in life. She is a very hard worker, but because she also gets everything she wants, she will have a harder time when she can't have something she really wants. Thank you.

Are you sure you really still like her? Just because you are already friends doesn't mean that you have some sort of obligation to remain friends and try to work so hard on your friendship. It would be completely normal for you to spend more time with your other friends and stop relying on this friend for plans. Just don't make plans with her anymore. If some night you are both sitting in your room you can still say "hey wanna go get dinner/drink/etc." You can remain friends just on a different level. You don't really seem to like what she does, or what she talks about, so I just wonder why you continue to want to make plans with her anyway. Wouldn't it stand to reason that if she did keep plans, you would just be annoyed with all the things she talks about anyway? It is ok to drift apart, that happens to friendships, especially in college.

I guess I'm mostly confused as to why you seem so consumed by this issue. Here's the way I see it: there are some people that expect to come to college and be best friends with their roommates. They think the two of them will get really close, they'll do stuff together, they'll understand each other really well because they live together, their room will be this awesome, homey place where the two of them hang out, etc. And some people do end up like that (the girls who live right next door to me and my boyfriend and his suitemate are close like this). But it doesn't necessarily happen that way, and in my experience the people who come into college envisioning dorm life to be like this and then don't end up with a roommate where it works out often end up irrationally angry about it and focused on the issue and think that their roommates are bad roommates, etc. It's because they've come in with so many strong expectations about what their relationship with their roommate will be, and then when these expectations don't come to pass they feel really let down and it becomes this big deal to them. I feel like this is what you're doing. So just chill. Why do you feel such a need to be so close to your roommate? If her behavior bothers you, just spend less time in your room and stop making plans with her. If she asks you to do something, just say something vague like "yeah, we should do that some time" and change the subject. If she's cancelled on you this much, why would you continue to make plans with her and then try really hard to stick to them, at the expense of neglecting your other friends, when she's probably just going to bail anyway? I think it's because you have this idea that your friendship with your roommate should be this special thing, so you're putting extra effort into it to try to salvage it and then when she doesn't do the same you get really irritated. So just let it go. It's time to realize that you guys don't particularly need to be good friends and stop trying to force it so much. When she starts talking about Broadway just cover your ears and laugh like it's a joke and say you don't want her to tell you the details because then it won't be a surprise. Then go find other people you like to be around more and hang out with them instead. As far as the rest of it, her personal life (how much money she spends on shows, how focused she still is on friends from home) isn't your business. You're only focused on them because you're still hoping she'll turn out to be your best friend and those parts of her don't jive with that plan because they bother you, and so these traits become scapegoats for your irritation at her as you realize that you guys aren't going to be close. So when something starts to rub you the wrong way, just remind yourself that how she lives her life has nothing to do with your life and try not to let it bother you. The sooner you realize that you guys are mostly just people who sleep in the same dorm room and that it's more fun to spend your time with other people who you like better, the happier you'll be.

Stop making plans with her. When she invites you somewhere, just tell you you have other plans. If she asks you why you never make plans with her anymore, tell her that you have passed up other plans in the past in order to do something with her, then she didn't show up and you would rather have something more reliable to do.

She can do whatever she wants with her money. Yes it sucks that she gets to see shows and you don't, but there is no reason she has to miss out on something because you want it. If she talks about them and you don't want to, tell her that you would rather not discuss it as you would rather experience it for yourself when you can.

When she talks to you while you are studying, tell her "That is great, but I really need to concentrate on studying right now. Can we talk about it later when I am free?" Give a time if you can so that she doesn't start back up 15 minutes later. If she doesn't respect your wishes, study somewhere else...a common room or library.

Have you actually talked to her about this? In your posts it sounds like you are just silently seething and letting the frustration build up, which is not healthy. It sounds like you really need to work on communicating. You need to accept that she is a different person with her own personality. She does not need to act the same way as you do, the two of you ust need to figure out a why to exist together in relative peace.

As for your anger...it sounds to me like you could benefitfrom some anger mangement councilling. You admit that you let things build up until you burst, which is not an effective coping mechanism. You need to learn how to handle you feelings and how to communicate them, and you can't learn that online.

Okay, whoa. I know you were trying to make a point, but just calm down.

The irony of the OP of an anger management post telling someone to "just calm down".

/hijack

Your anger is coming from you not expressing yourself directly. You don't need to have confrontation or drama. If she asks if you want to meet her to do something say no thanks. If she interrupts you while you have your headphones on say you can't talk you have to study. If she goes on and on about a topic say you love to talk more about it but you can't right now. Just be simple and direct. Honestly, your anger is about making the decision to accept conditions that you don't want to. So then don't. Make a different decision. She is not MAKING you do anything, you are choosing to accept how things are EVEN THOUGH you don't like it. So it's on you to change things. You may be stuck with your roommate but you don't have to silently seethe over stuff. Speaking up doesn't have to mean big blowout with your roomie.

This is exactly why people say not to live with friends. I've lived with strangers both my years in the dorms and it's worked out great. I didn't get a random roommate (I found them on the internet so I could make sure we'd get along okay) but I really didn't know either of them coming in. Which is perfect because we got along and talked some and knew about each other's lives, but we didn't hang out outside the dorm and I could always study in my room because we didn't feel the need to constantly talk to each other. For the most part, living with both of them has been totally drama-free. Like obsesseddancer said, the sooner you realize that your roommate doesn't need to be your best friend, the better. I think this a mistake a lot of people make their first year of college because they're afraid to live with a stranger. But hopefully this will be a lesson learned for you and you can have a better experience next year. Just follow everyone's advice about not making plans with her anymore and hanging out with other friends or outside your room, and try to calm down and not let trivial things bother you.