I guess this is probably a strange board to be posting on, considering the entire point of this post is that I'm not driving, but I'm hoping some of you might be able to give me some help.

I'm absolutely terrified of driving. The notion scares me in itself. It just seems super dangerous to begin with. On top of that, it destroys the environment. I'm also awful at it. I don't have my license. I keep trying to work towards being able to take the exam, but I just keep falling apart. It seems like I can take a couple of days of driving, and then I do something to mess up (hit a curb, don't notice a car backing up, etc.) and I just fall apart sobbing again. I just keep thinking that next time I hit something I'm either going to die or someone else is. I know it's not rational, and all of the statistics I hear make it worse. I've taken lessons, drivers ed, defensive driving, and yet I still can't seem to keep it together long enough to actually sit for my exam.

I live in a place that has great public transport, and I have a bicycle. I don't really even plan on driving much, if at all, once I get my license. However, I need to get one because so many jobs around here require one to apply. Note that the jobs don't require driving, or a car, they just require a license. I think it's to weed out a socioeconomic class and illegal immigrants, without sounding to be discriminatory about it.

I'm just really frustrated about it, and my family is pretty much falling apart by it. They can't understand what I find so terrifying about it, and just get really upset and angry at me whenever I shut down about it and refuse to drive.

I've tried just pushing myself and getting over it, but it really doesn't help. Essentially I'm just a bad driving to begin with, and then trying to drive in a really anxious emotional state like my family has been making me do gets it worse. I finally just broke down sobbing today over it, despite the fact that I have a date set in an exam over a month. Driving instructors keep telling me that I'm not that bad, I'm just a perfectionist, etc. But I just feel like it's so outright dangerous that I can't get over it when I make a mistake.

I'm 21 now, and I'm really a put together person in all other aspects of my life. I'm just really irrational about this one. I didn't grow up in a country where driving was a big deal, and now that I am in the US it just seems like everyone places such emphasis on it, and when I am visiting family the towns are laid out so far apart. I know that I theoretically need to get one, but I just can't seem to get myself together at all.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Does anyone know anything to help?

You need to find a company that provides professional driving lessons. Where I live there is a comprehensive graduated driving program where you don't start driving a car until you've passed a written (actually done on a computer) theory exam, then you have to have an licenced adult age 25+ drive with you at all times for 1 year. There are restrictions during this time such as only driving between dawn and dusk and only having passengers that are family, etc. Then from there you must do a road test and you now have your next level of licence with it's own set of rules to follow for 2 years. Only after that are you considered a full licenced driver.

My point is that it takes a lot of steps to be considered a good driver and that if you are just starting to not be completely discouraged. I understand the feeling of frustration when learning to drive and just not getting it. For me my problem was parking (especially backwards) and I would get really confused at which way to turn the wheel when moving in reverse.

Anyway, finding a driving course will be helpful in a lot of ways. Professional driving instructors don't get frustrated with you like family members can and they know all of the ways to explain things in easy to understand terms. A lot of driving instructors cars have an extra brake on their side of the car which makes everyone feel a lot safer in the initial learning phase. It will also make you feel more confident because you have a professional telling you a lot of tips that the average person doesn't learn.

Sorry, I should have been clearer in my original post. I have taken professional, one on one driving lessons with a really well known school. While those did help and made me feel better, that feeling still kinda evaporated once I was in a car without a professional who had control. I have done about 20 hours of driving or so.

Hryn wrote:

I have done about 20 hours of driving or so.

Okay I may need someone who has successfully learnt to drive in the US to step in and put me right here, but that doesn't seem like long at all. Granted you're probably learning in an automatic, whereas I drive a manual car, but I probably took about double that in professional lessons and the same amount of time again in private practice. Sure you don't have to deal with changing gears, but no matter what car you are in you have to respond to the conditions on the road, and I think some people take to that quicker than others.

So if 20 hours IS considered slow in America then you're just one of those people who needs a bit more time and there's nothing wrong in that. We don't all learn at the same pace. And if it's not considered slow in America then you just need to give yourself more time and make sure you've got a good instructor. Either way, don't panic and don't compare yourself to others.

I don't have a solution for the fear of driving, but in lieu of a driver's license, what about a state ID? It may not be a long-term solution, but at least one for the moment? For example, you can get one in NY: www.nydmv.state.ny.us . . . - just a thought.

You know you're being irrational, so just stop? Twenty hours is hardly any. I've driven several trips longer than 20 hours, alone, over night, etc. it's really not a big deal. You need to find a car that you feel comfortable in. Some cars have bad blind spots which make it hard to see cars to the side or behind you, and some cars sit so low that it's difficult to judge the distance of the curb. You need to find a car the is comfortable for you to drive in and then do A LOT of driving. Driving alone would probably be beneficial as it's less distracting and nerve wracking. Either way, the road test isnt real life. Nothing is going to happen if you hit a curb.

Lauretta wrote:

Hryn wrote:

I have done about 20 hours of driving or so.

Okay I may need someone who has successfully learnt to drive in the US to step in and put me right here, but that doesn't seem like long at all. Granted you're probably learning in an automatic, whereas I drive a manual car, but I probably took about double that in professional lessons and the same amount of time again in private practice. Sure you don't have to deal with changing gears, but no matter what car you are in you have to respond to the conditions on the road, and I think some people take to that quicker than others.

So if 20 hours IS considered slow in America then you're just one of those people who needs a bit more time and there's nothing wrong in that. We don't all learn at the same pace. And if it's not considered slow in America then you just need to give yourself more time and make sure you've got a good instructor. Either way, don't panic and don't compare yourself to others.

When I got my license the state requirement was 50 hours and I believe it's been raised to 100 since then. This was on top of the hours of driving with the instructor. It's self-reported so I'll definitely admit to fudging the numbers quite a bit, so while I passed the driving test just fine, I was in no way comfortable enough to drive on a regular basis. Around 9 months after that I was definitely better, but then I got a stick shift car and it was like learning all over again! Now I'm a much more collected driver than 4 years ago.

I honestly can't say if being behind the wheel more will alleviate your fear, but just know that 20 hours really isn't a lot of time.

Just curious, does this fear only arise when you are the actual one driving the vehicle? Or does it occur with other people too?

^It hasn't been raised to 100, but many driving schools require 100+ to "graduate" and get the affidavit signed. I had close to (or possibly over--I don't remember for sure) 200 hours when I finally got my license, but I was in a sort of unique situation where I had my temps for a little over two years.

Just get more driving experience. Have someone who will not put too much pressure on you in the car, go to parking lots late at night or new developments that have properties but not houses and drive. These will let you drive without having much pressure, and show you that it is okay. Driving can be really stressful, no doubt. Just take a step back, take a breath, and take a moment to get your mind around it. Here in the states, in the majority of places outside major cities, you really do need a car.

Good luck!!!

I too am someone who never felt safe driving. I did manage to get my license, but to do that all I had to was make a left and a right turn, 3 point turn, parallel park. There was no highway or high speed involved at all and it was all over very fast. But I know the test varies from place to place. Taking driving classes only really prepared me for the test, not real world situations. I did get a bit more confident once I was able to drive on my own and not have to deal with my mom being in the car, as she was always a train wreck when I was driving. However, I'll be honest I am one of those people who doesn't drive on the highway and always has someone else drive whenever possible. One of the reasons I only applied to grad schools in big cities was that I just didn't want to deal with the stress of driving anymore. I haven't driven a car in a year and a half. That is something that you have on your side, being in one of those cities. But then again, if you want to consider working on your license you have to learn to city drive which I think is harder with all the traffic and stuff. I know the reason I don't feel safe driving is because of my dad. I've spent more time in the car with him then anyone else in my life. He is a very aggressive and sometimes reckless driver. Whenever I was driving, I kept imagine every other car around me was driven by him and they were cursing me out, calling me names etc. I never felt as in control as I should have. I'm ok riding in the car with my mom but to this day I hate riding in the car with my dad. Even though I do have my license, I acknowledge that I will have to relearn how to drive if I ever move somewhere else. But for now it's not really a problem. If you don't feel ready now, that doesn't mean in a few years you won't. Theres not rule that says you have to learn to drive by the time you are 21, especially living in a city.

As for the ID problem, you're 21 now, so I assume you go out to bars or buy alcohol or whatever from time to time. What type of ID do you use for those instances? Do you have a passport? If it's true that jobs want you to have a license to prove legality and SEC, I'm sure you could say, "I actually don't drive, but I do have a passport to use as ID". A passport proves immigration legality much more than a license does, and from a stereotypical standpoint, a person with a passport, likely travels, so would likely be higher SEC than someone without one. If you don't have a passport, they aren't hard to get, you just need to take some documentation to the post office. They are always good to have anyway in case you ever end up traveling for work or whatever.

So in a a nutsehell, I commiserate with you, you don't have to do this now if you aren't ready, you can try again later, and there are other forms of ID that are even better than a license.

In some states in Australia, you have to do 100 hours of driving on your learner licence to get a full licence, and they're upping it to 200 hours in my state. 20 hours is nothing, you need to get in a car with an adult or a driving instructor and do WAY more hours!

I can sympathise with you 100%

My first driving instructor was awful! He seemed to do everything he could to convince me I couldn't drive. I had ten lessons with him before my mother said enough was enough and found a new instructor, this guy was great but my first lesson with him I was so scared I was shaking and had to stop the car to be sick. He made me apply for my test that day, I thought he was insane but there was a three month waiting list in the UK for exams at that time. I had my test 14 weeks after my first lesson with him and passed it first time.

I also have a dad who is a very aggressive driver, he would drive me to the train each morning when I was at college and I wouldn't take my hand off the door rest all the way there. It was scary the way he would overtake and drive so close to peoples bumpers. My fear was that a driver like my father would be around the next corner coming at me as I drove down the road.

I was 20 before I got my licence but was out in the boonies because I had moved back in with my parents after I stopped dancing so I needed a licence.

You definitely need more hours driving. Is there a friend who would be your ride along for practice? When I was learning I could not handle practicing driving with my mother. She sent my anxiety level through the roof because she would gasp if I touched the brakes too had or didn't slow down to her idea of safe to make a turn, etc. Omg...even thinking about it upsets me!

So pick a friend that you like and trust and have them ride with you. Lots of little trips=good practice! Driving for short periods of time more often will help you a lot more than gearing up and getting anxious over "today I am practicing driving for 2 hours straight OMGGGGZGZ GOTTA GET READY AHH SCARED!"

You should not take an exam before you overcome this because driving tests can make even normally calm drivers anxious.

UberGoober wrote:

You definitely need more hours driving. Is there a friend who would be your ride along for practice? When I was learning I could not handle practicing driving with my mother. She sent my anxiety level through the roof because she would gasp if I touched the brakes too had or didn't slow down to her idea of safe to make a turn, etc. Omg...even thinking about it upsets me!

Oh this this this!

My mom considers herself a very good driver (note I say "good", no "safe") but she pretty much can't stand being in a car if she's not behind the wheel (sort of the opposite of Hryn's problem). I have only driven with her a handful of times, and even now I think it would give me a lot of anxiety. My driving is much much worse with her in the car because she makes me so nervous!

Pretty funny, but my driving partner ended up being my grandmother. For whatever reason nothing seemed to faze her that much. I would panic if I thought I made a mistake, but she would just say, "Keep driving, don't worry about it." She rode with me both when I was learning to drive and when I was learning to drive stick.

In short, I definitely second the above poster's recommendation about finding a buddy who will put you at ease.

I have no advice, just sympathy. I'm exactly the same. I failed my exam the first time. I haven't driven since the day I passed my exam (about four years ago... time flies!). I was actually fine driving as long as there was someone in the passenger seat, but once I got my license and could drive alone, that was it.

I actually think that there is way too much emphasis on "car culture". I understand your problem with needing the license for job applications, but that sort of requirement really bothers me. If you can get where you want with public transit, you're living a healthier lifestyle and helping the environment. Why should that be frowned upon?

I think that so many people are forced to drive that they purposefully ignore the fact that driving is probably the most dangerous activity that they do on a daily basis (Not helping, I know). I always find it so weird that people are ok driving but are freaked out about flying...

Good luck.

^You still have to HAVE a license though. My uncle spent the last 10 years pretty much only driving if he needed to leave the city limits, but he still had to be a functioning member of society. He still had to have a way to prove that he was who he was claiming he was, even though he could probably go 6 or 8 weeks at a time without driving anywhere.

He's since changed jobs and isn't working within walking distance, so now he's driving. He would have had to have passed up a pretty top dollar job, if he'd never gotten his license.

Realistically, what's going to happen if you hit a curb? Nothing? I mean, unless your town crafts their curbs out of puppies and babies, or something. Then something might happen. But since that's impractical and expensive, that's probably not how your town makes curbs, is it?

I'm not a therapist or anything at all, so disregard this post at will

I have a feeling there is more to this problem than just the driving-bit. I mean, yes, cars are dangerous objects. Unless handled with skill, these things can inflict horrendous damage to living creatures. It's only after learning how to deal with situations (and frankly, an amazing amount of luck -- I consider myself an acceptable driver, doing 20,000 kilometres a year easily in my tiny little Toyota Aygo, and even I sometimes wonder where the heck that other car came from and how the heck I didn't hit it and so on ^_^), that we can hope to get through the morning rush hour without wrecking ourselves.

That said, your fear almost seems to border on a phobia insofar that it is irrational. I'm not saying that it's stupid or anything, because I think it's actually not uncommon. It's just that you cannot relax enough to get through the process of driving and the anxiety that comes with it. I think in most people this anxiety makes them more careful, in your case it's stifling.

Over here there are courses for people with 'fear of driving' (translated directly, so I have no idea whether it's right), and how to help them overcome it. Some of these people suffer from driving phobia after having been in a car crash, others have been through a non-driving related trauma and driving just brings back that sense of vulnerability, and still others really have no cause for this fear it would seem, but they are still terrified. And because having a licence IS considered so vital to being an adult (sad, isn't it?), these people can take these courses to hopefully learn to deal with their fear and get back on the road (or even on the road to a licence!). Maybe you could look into finding something like that? Over here therapy like that is usually covered by the medical insurance or is otherwise (partly) subsidised, but I have no idea how it works where you live. But it might be an option worth looking into perhaps.

I would say that most drivers are pretty crappy UNTIL they get their license. I know that I improved BOUNDS the year after I started driving. I think it takes at least 2 years to become a really decent driver.

If it makes you feel any better, I actually bumped a police car the first year I was behind the wheel. No damages on either car, but that was a pretty scary time.

I would say that your fear will probably get better AFTER You get your license and you drive every day. I would also practice in a huge parking lot so you learn how to control you car better. ( Drive forwards, drive backwards, drive between stuff, break suddenly etc)

I completely understand. And it is irrational which means you have no control over it, so you just can't "stop" feeling that way. People don't get it, you can't just change automatically. It's easier said than done.

I'm in a very similar situation as you. I'm 22 and I'm so scared to drive. I actually did end up getting my license and driving (alone) but I was so scared and I didn't trust other drivers that I ended up letting my license expire and because of the way things run here if I ever choose to drive again I have to start at the beginning.
I only drove for a few months and what ruined it all was some driver freaking out over me last April. I was merging into the left lane and I thought the driver behind me was letting me in, but apparently not because they flipped out. She was honking her horn and flailing her arms. And that was it, I was so freaked out that I haven't driven since. Thinking about it to this day I still feel sick.
I think that's what really scares me, I can't read other drivers minds. I thought she was letting me in and she thought I was staying in my lane. Communication is so huge when driving, but there's always a ton of miscommunication.

So in short, I hear ya! I totally empathize with you. If you ever want to talk about it just PM me

A point often overlooked is that once you know how to drive, you also have to know how to navigate. GPS can help if it isn't a distraction. Navigation wasn't a major problem for me when I learned, my town was quite small (30,000) and I knew it well from bicycling. Then, as now, I was also into maps, a skill I learned as a Cub Scout. A major metro area like where I live now (6 or so million people) is a different story. When my daughter got her license...at 16...we insisted upon it...she realized that she never paid too much attention to how to get to the places we took her to and her map reading skills were suspect at best. Rather early in the game (summer following getting her license) she had to drive a third of the way across the US by herself...Maryland to Wisconsin including around or through Chicago...to get to a summer job at her aunt's store in resort country. She and I had a crash course in map reading and urban driving. The girl was talented though...I think she could sniff her way to a shopping mall, LOL. At age 44, she is an excellent driver and drives five times as much each year as I do...though being retired, I don't have a 50 mile commute every day as I did when I worked.

I'm not afraid of driving, but I am rather apprehensive being a passenger. I was in two car crashes as a passenger before I was 21, one which totalled the car (my now-Mother-in-law was driving) and I really prefer to be the driver at all times. I gained some trust when for a few years I was in a car pool with the other three drivers and I'm not quite as nervous with my wife driving though that happens infrequently. When we take her car (an SUV) she usually gives me the keys.

Jon

Everyone's right that 20 hours really isn't very much. I live in the US and my state has a graduated licensing program, meaning that first you get your permit, which allows you to drive with an adult in the car, and only after that can you get a full license. And even the full license is limited for the first six months (you're only allowed one passenger and you can't drive after 9 o'clock at night). So I had to take a class, then a week-long driving course, and the had to drive with an adult in the car for an entire YEAR before I could even take the exam. I think if I hadn't had all that time to practice, I wouldn't have felt nearly as comfortable. Unfortunately, after you're 18 you're not required to do that to get your license; you just have to go take the test.

I actually liked rosalinde's advice. I think at this point you might need to first approach it from more of a psychological standpoint. You may need to deal with your anxiety first. If you don't want to go to a therapist (although that might be a good idea), perhaps you can find some good resources online or in the library on techniques to deal with your anxiety. You might want to do a little research on cognitive behavioral therapy, which has been proven to be very effective for anxiety. It could be hard to do on your own, but one thing that's very important in CBT is exposing yourself to situations that make you anxious and then not allowing yourself to flee the situation when you become anxious. The idea is that people get very, very anxious and upset, but you just can't maintain that level of emotion indefinitely and if they stay in the situation their anxiety will eventually subside and they'll discover that nothing terrible has happened and that they were able to get through it after all. It's not fun at the time, of course, but it works. With driving you'd want to be really, really careful, obviously. But the point is, stopping every time your anxiety is at its highest is doing you a disservice because all that does is cement the fear in your mind.

I would suggest finding a friend or someone who can ride with you but will be very calm, like others have said. And then practice, practice, practice! Start with something really easy like an empty parking lot and work your way up very, very gradually. Don't let yourself quit every time you get anxious and don't move on to anything harder until you're super comfortable driving at the level you're already at. I understand that driving can be really scary; after all we all know that cars can be dangerous. But I think the key will be building up your confidence in your own driving skills. It's 100 times less scary when you're confident in your own driving ability.

P.S. You're not bad at driving. You're a beginner! Driving isn't easy, no one is good when they first start. You wouldn't expect to learn a new dance style and have it perfectly after just 20 hours of practice! Why would you expect driving to be any different?

I need to get one because so many jobs around here require one to apply. Note that the jobs don't require driving, or a car, they just require a license.

Most likely, your jurisdiction provides for a formal ID card to cover just such a situation. Get one of those, and remember that you can sue any employer who neither accepts such a card nor hires for a job that requires driving.

Then, when you get the chance, though it be years in the future, learn to drive in a sparsely populated area, and gradually work up to the inner city.

But whatever you do, keep your eye on the goal and be true to that goal.

And we would love to hear back from you. It has been more than a month.

Thank you everyone for all of the support and help. As somewhat silly as it sounds, it is really nice to know I'm not alone, and that other people have overcome the situation as well.

I practiced driving a lot more over December, and slowly I'm starting to feel more comfortable with it. I still doubt I'll ever love it though. The suggestion of driving with someone who was really calm and comfortable was a good and important one, as I realized that both of my parents were sending my anxiety levels through the roof with their styles! I was going to take my test, but then our car broke down (which I'm kind of happy about.) I think my plan at the moment is just to take it slow, and try and find friend up here at college who would be alright with driving around with me a bit. Then I think the next time I'll actually try for my exam will be summer, if I feel comfortable and up to speed by then. It's just difficult getting in actual practice time up here at school!

I have a passport that I will use as ID until then, for SEC with job applications. That's a really helpful suggestion. I'm also looking into speaking with people with more experience dealing with anxiety to get their help.

Once again, thank you everyone so much for the help!

With the friend thing, look at you look at you state laws. Mine said that an unlicensed driver must be practicing with someone who is over 21. But I think it's a great idea to practice with a calm friend, provided you can do it legally. My dad was "calm" in the sense that he is completely deaf in his left ear so when he was in the passenger seat we couldn't talk to each other anyway lol. And he isn't a "safe" driver anyway so nothing I did phased him at all. So it was a kind of neutral situation, I wasn't anxious from him, but I didn't learn much either. But my mom was a whole different story, she was not calm at all, even in a parking lot.