I rarely seek out support for stuff like this on the internet because I have people in real life I can talk to who are really great...but none of them are kids of divorced parents and they don't understand what I go through. I'm sure I can't be the only one.

It's been almost 13 years, so this is nothing new. But it's only been a few years since I've been an "adult" who doesn't legally have to abide by any custody agreement. I'll be 21 in a few weeks, and I don't live at home anymore.

To be honest, this year's story is complicated and there's not much point in telling the whole thing. Basically, every single year my mom screws around with everyone, making us change plans a million times, and then making me feel guilty for having any plans, anywhere with anyone, in the first place. She's the typical manipulative parent (she has a lot of personal issues that play into it). My dad tries to tell me not to get upset because that's what she wants. I know she loves me, but I also know that it makes her feel better about herself if she can make everyone else feel bad and guilty about themselves. And I love her too, but if she's going to call me up and scream and curse about how I'm a bad daughter, I'm going to hang up on her. I'm done letting her control me. At least I have a great dad who has so far saved me years of therapy (that I may end up needing anyway).

I know to some of you this doesn't make sense, and I know I sound very disjointed, but I'm just looking for someone else to say "Yeah, I've been there." Anyone else hate holidays? Anyone else have manipulative parent(s)? Remind me I'm not alone. Tell me a story or something.

Yes, been there, done that, so many times. Mostly because my dad left my mother on New Years day 2000. So anytime it gets close to that, my mom gets very upset, and it gets hard to enjoy everything.

My dad is the jerk that ruined this time of year for us. It will be 12 years since he left her coming up. It's sad to always look forward to it on New Year's day. So you were slightly younger when it happened with you, as I was 10. I think being younger makes it easier.

But yes, here I am, guilted because I have to chose which parent to spend what holiday with. My mom doesn't care; she'll love me either way. But that doesn't make me hate it any less. I'm not sure if I'll ever love this time of year like I used to.

I don't hate Christmas, but it does bring up some memories that aren't so pleasant. My parents divorced when I was 3, so 20 years ago, and there were a lot of Christmases where I felt very torn and tossed around between houses. There was an agreement where I be with one parent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until noon and then the other parents would get me from noon onwards on Christmas. This alternated each year but as I got older I hated it so much! Now I'm an adult and it's so much nicer to tell THEM where I'm going on Christmas. There was one year where I didn't see my Dad at all because we were in a fight. He hadn't called me or made any inititiative to ask me over for a few weeks before Christmas and when he did call (around the 23rd or something) to ask what time I'd be over on Christmas Day, I told him off really badly. He was really surprised but I think he realized that it wasn't just assumed that I'd be there if he didn't take the time to be a part of my life on regular days o the year as well.

O.M.G. I cannot stand it when grown adults act like this, especially at the holidays. I don't care how much animosity is still brewing, call a truce for the holidays! Suck it up and put on your company face.

Hugs to all you that have to deal with this BS.

kk~

I understand what you are going through. My parents divorced when I was 2 so I would typically spend christmas eve with my mom and christmas day with my dad until my dad moved far away when I was 5. I would only see my dad and his new family twice a year Christmastime and over the summer. When my dad would come home for Christmas he would stay about two weeks so obviously I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible and my mom took it as a threat and would try to make me feel guilty. She would say " They don't love you, if they did they wouldn't live so far away" or " You love them more than me". I was like 6 years old and my mom would say that or if they couldn't make it up for the holidays she would say " I told you they didn't care about you" Now at 23 it's not a huge issue I spend Christmas Eve with my mom and now my dad lives back in town so I spend Christmas day with them then I spend the evening with my boyfriend.

The only positive is having two christmas parties. I get more gifts then most people because I have two families. But even now I can tell my mom gets a bit jealous when I go over for Christmas.

The holidays in general depress me.

Yeah, I completely understand! My father year before last, got so wasted before we started our chirstmas together that about 10 at night he passed out on the floor in the kitchen. Talk about someone to look up to. If that doesn't make things bad enough, this year he didn't tell us a time but Christmas evening so my sister and I were on our way there although it was going to take 45 minutes to get there and he yells and tells us not to come. We'll my sister ends up going home 45 minutes away and I have to go to my grandmothers where he lives in the same town. My other sisters been there a while and so she acts all valiant like she is our fathers prime possession, none the less as I walk in the door his new wife, says you should be nice to him he has been waiting all day for you girls to get here. He is rude to me the rest of the night. Then kicks us out and before he does yells at me. Where he proceeds to tell me that we were supposed to be at his house at 12.

For the record it is not the 19th century, cell phones are being in use during this day in time. Even if you didn't tell individuals what time you said to be there (which you didn't do.) You can at least call them!!!

Yes! I actually didn't have a problem with it as a kid. My parents have been divorced since I was a toddler so we had a very structured lifestyle to ensure that things worked between the two families. I would spent one Christmas with my father, the next with my mother etc...

As an adult all that has changed. Every year is confusing to organise and it doesn't help that all three of us (me, my mum and my dad) live in three different states at the moment. Add to that the fact that I am married now and have my husband's family to consider (they are used to having EVERY Christmas with him) and I begin to feel the dread that Christmas is approaching in around November.

The thing is I think everyone's Christmases get logistically difficult as you move into adulthood. I certainly I feel a lot of guilt around that time of year because since early childhood I have always had a complex about being 'fair' to both my parents. Maybe everyone doesn't experience that, but in many other ways I suppose it's all just a part of adulthood.

I am lucky in that there is no overt manipulation in my case. It's all psychological for me and therefore I probably need to address my own emotions more than anything else. But even in the case of a manipulator I think that still applies. As adults we have a lot of power in how we choose to process and react to situations. Of course, I have not managed to succeed in this yet. It's hard!