I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend since July, and until a few days ago I was relatively happy. We are both in the same place, and have been since just before Christmas, for the first time in months. During this time, I realized that I really don't like the way he treats me. He's overly chivalrous, to the point where he treats me like a child. He gets upset when I pay for my own bus fare, expresses concern over my ability to navigate the bus system I have been using on a daily basis for years, constantly talks about "protecting" me, etc. This bothers me not only as an advocate of gender equality, but also as a capable young adult human. So basically I want out.

I feel terrible because I've basically been on radio silence for a few days, not texting or calling him (he has called me several times). I really want to break up with him, but I just can't bring myself to actually call him up and either break up over the phone or arrange a time to meet up. This is further complicated by the fact that he heads back to his base on the 3rd. I've heard that it's bad to end a long distance relationship during a visit, but I don't want to hang out like nothing's wrong before he leaves. Also he's still really into me, so this is probably going to be really hard on him.

Please give me a pep talk, advice, whatever you think is appropriate. Tell me to put on my big girl panties and dump him. I've never actually initiated a breakup before, so I don't really know how to do this.

It's definetly better to do it before he takes the time to come and visit you. That will be awkward, in my opinion, and lead to him potentially trying to talk you out of breaking up with him.

I would call him up as soon as possible:

- apologize for not returning his calls
- tell him that you would like to stop seeing eachother/break up/whatever because you are no longer happy with the relationship and do not see a future with him in it.
- if he asks for a further explanations you can tell him some of the things you mentioned in your post but be aware that he could trying to fight you on each point and try to tell you he'll change those things, etc. It may be better to just keep it simple by saying you aren't happy.
- let him know that you wanted to do this before the visit and that you wish him well or whatever you want to say.

The main things to remember are to just keep it brief and don't feel like you owe giving him a million reasons why. Also, if he starts getting very angry or sad you don't have to stay on the phone for an hour listening to it. He's going to have those emotions anyways and you don't have to be confused by listening to them.

You have to look out for your own happiness here so start 2012 off by putting that first!

If you've got the opportunity to do it right now, in person, you gotta take it. Don't wait until he goes home and call him, do it right now. And it's gonna be awkward, but what breakup isn't?

Honestly, I broke up with my last ex (who was long distance) over letter. He stopped answering my phone calls, and didn't have email at the time (this was 10+ years ago, hah), so letter was all I had.

And I know what sort of message that sent. Why do you think I did it?

At any rate, I pretty much laid it out - I no longer want to be in this relationship that a)reason that vaugely sounded like it might have been about me but was actually about him, b)repeat A as necessary.

Make it clear that it's over, but don't be a jerk. There's no need to go "I don't want to date you anymore because you've got small junk and you smell weird!", because while that might be true, there's just no sense in killing the poor guy. Heh.

I'm sorry, I should have been more clear--we're actually both home now (me from college, him from base), for the first time in a while. He's leaving in a few days, and I'm here until the end of the month. We've already seen each other several times on this "visit."

Thanks for your advice. I'll definitely remember to keep it brief, and I hope that will make it easier on both of us.

Done and done! He called from a number I didn't recognize, so I picked up. And I dumped him. It was short and simple, and I'm just so relieved. I just said that he was a great guy, but he wasn't the guy for me. He wants to be friends, but I'm probably going to steer clear of that for a while.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Yeah, if he resorted to calling you from phone numbers you didn't recognize just so you'd answer the phone, he saw that coming.

There's no shame in remaining friends. Of course, by the time I broke up with my ex, I didn't even want to be in the same state as him, much less be his friend, but my cousin is the master when it comes to remaining friends with her exs. One year, we went to her house for lunch on our birthdays, and her last like, four exs stopped by to wish her happy birthday. It was kind of amazing.

And since I'm bragging on my cousins ability to remain friends with her exs - my dentist is actually one of them. Them having me in common has weirdly resparked their friendship. I mean, they're not BFFs or anything, but they talk more since I've started going to him than they had in the years prior. Go figure.

I would give it a good 8-12 weeks before you try to be friends. He needs the space. Since you initiated the break up (which, just in case it comes off that way, I'm totally not judging you for), you're okay with the boundaries, but he will need time to get there. If he tries to call tell him you think it's best if you both had some head space for awhile, and be firm about it. It'll be better for both of you in the end.

I hope you're doing well! Just give him time; you both need some space. Things will get better