A new year and time to start a shiny, new diary. 2012 is going to be a big year. In a little under six weeks I’ll officially be leaving the nest to study journalism at university. I tend to oscillate between incredibly scared and very excited. Today is an excited day. After having a year off to work, I’m ready to be doing something with my life again, even though I’m leaving everyone and everything that I know behind to do it. It’s also the first year in a very, very long time that I won’t be dancing. With all the hubbub of the holidays, I’m not sure how much that has really sunk in yet.

2011 was all about rebuilding myself,and although I still have some days where all I want to do is stay in bed, I know I’m strong enough to handle whatever comes my way.



“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
-L. M. Montgomery

Bridesmaid dress shopping yesterday was a disaster. We drove the 120km or so, only to find out that both dress shops where closed. Thankfully, Myer was still open so at least the guys got to pick out their suits. It took about two hours by the time they found the right sizes for the shirts and the pants and the jackets. In all honesty, I'm not sure how I feel about being a bridesmaid anymore. I always thought that it would be something that my Mum would be a part of, but she hasn't even met the bride and she's not invited to the wedding. And I still can not get over the feeling of inadequacy everytime I see their family. The brother was asking his big sister for relationship advice; the Mum was volunteering to sew the ties for the weddding; they all constantly hug, and then hug me as well, because they're not the type of people to leave someone out. They're so close to perfect. He even calls her Mum. And I can't believe how upset I'm getting over it...

I'm still not used to this diary. I keep scrolling past it without realising.

I finally had a big clean out of my room today. I had the morning off so I spent it catching up on all the jobs that had fallen to the wayside over Christmas and throwing out all the unnecessary juck that had accumulated in my cupboard. I threw three garbage bags of stuff away and have one garbage bag of clothes to go to Vinnie's. There were a lot of sentimental things (old letters, unwanted presents from years ago) that I should've thrown away, but I couldn't do it. I'm hoping no one decides to raid our trash though, because I did throw away about 10 different diaries starting from when I was in year five. Not that I think they would, but I would rather not leave them around for the family to snoop through when I'm gone.

I wanted to have started applying for jobs by now but the computer's still not fixed, something to do with a video card. My resume is still on there from when I applied for the scholarships and I can't get very far without my resume. I did email the university to find out how I can apply for a job working there, but again, I can't go any further without all the documentation. The flip side of not having the computer is that I haven't been on Facebook since Boxing Day. Suprisingly, I haven't missed it.

Only an hour until I'm finished for the day! I can't wait to be out of this sticky heat. If I was a guy, the second I walked in the door at home I would be whipping my shirt off; I'll have to settle for changing into some shorts.

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I'm feeling very proud of myself today. I got up an hour earlier this morning to do bootcamp with my Mum. My Mum is a bootcacmp expert, she normally does an intensive workout three mornings a week, so it was good to have her motivating and encouraging me. I felt bad that she had to slow things down for me (we power-walked instead of ran and did 30, 60, 90 reps instaed of 40, 80, 120), but hopfully I can persist and get closer to her level. Now that I don't have the five or so hours of dancing a week, I've been missing out on a lot of excercise. Not only am I hoping to increase my fitness and get more toned, but like most people, I'm always a lot happier person when I'm getting regular excercise.


Tomorrow I have the morning off so while I'm staying out at Dad's I'm going to dig out the hand-weights and conquer the big hill.

I made it up the big hill, and I have the photo evidence to prove it. (It doesn't look very steep in the picture, but trust me, it is. This is where I learnt to do hill starts, because my Grandpa's logic was that if I could do a hill start there, I could do one anywhere) There's nothing like standing a top of a big hill to make the township look very, very small. Thanks to all the rain we've had of late, when you look out, all that you can see is green. All up, it took me an hour to walk there and back, with only one minor window-shopping break, and now I have the sorest feet and hips. I think I need to invest in some better quality joggers.

After that, I was planning to spend the morning cleaning up the house, but my Grandpa decided last night that he wanted to teach the chihuahua that he's babysitting to highjump. Between vacuuming and teaching a dog show tricks, the dog wins out everytime. They were up to about 30cm when I left, which he was clearing fairly easy. And I had to help them polish off last night's leftovers of course. After spending over three hours cooking all of it, there's no way I'm letting it get thrown out.

I just met my work replacement, and the weirdest thing is that I used to dance with her a thousand years ago! I didn't even know she was still around, and lo and behold, up she pops. I'm already doubting her staying power, though. Her only two questions when I was giving her the grand tour where 'what's my hourly rate?' and 'Does it ever get busy?' (Minimum wage and no) I am strangely excited to be able to pass on all my words of wisdom to someone. 'Cause working in retail in a town with a population of 2000 really requires a lot of wisdom.

In exactly one month I move into my accommodation! Where did all the days go? I'm so scared. Earlier in the week I bought all the remaining kitchen things that I need (tongs, measuring cups, etc), and now all I need to do is start packing them all (unlikely). Or delay thinking about things like that until the last minute (Likely).

The job hunt has lead to a big fat nothing so far. I've sent out expressions of interest to every place that I can think of. I'm sick of all the 'What does 'It's about the customer, always' mean to you?' and 'How would you motivate a co-worker, in a professional or personal environment?' I think I've been naive in terms of work. The job that I have now I've been at for four years and other than that there's only teaching, which I sort of fell into, and a few shifts at the Fancy Dress place, which I only did because I knew the owner through dancing. I've never had to go through the official hiring process before. At the back of my mind was the idea that this move would be my opportunity to get a job that I love. You know, the ones they seem to have in movies where their co-workers are like their replacement family? I wouldn't have to work by myself anymore. I wouldn't spend the whole time I was at work watching the clock tick by minute by minute. At the moment, I'm realising how stupid I was to think that could happen. I can't hang around to get my dream job; I just have to get a job.

We are officially closing down. At some stage i'll probably get nostalgic about the place that i've worked for the last four years, but at the moment all i'm thinking about is the massive closing down sale. Thankfully, i'm leaving anyway so i was already loosing my job. You know it's a small town though when the employees find out on friday and by sunday the whole town knows. That right there is one of the things that i'll be glad to leave behind.

I feel like I should probably provide a warning about what’s to come, so here it is: The following contains sarcasm, whining and a lot of ranting…

1.I am not a people person. Eight hours of ‘Hi, how are you?’ and ‘Just the one today?’ and ‘Would you like a bag?’ and I’m ready to become a hermit. Well, okay, maybe not a hermit, but I sure am ready for some alone time. Listening to fourteen year old Regina Georges in the making is like fingernails on a chalkboard. “If I could take the best shopping mall from Sydney and put it here I totally would. They have such awesome shops there, like not the regular ones, they have different ones. I’m never shopping in a normal shop again I’m sick of people asking why where closing down, when I don’t really know myself.

2. I’ve finally pinpointed the thing that grates me about Annie (who’s back home in Australia now). Everything in her life is always more dramatic than anyone else’s. After seeing her for the first time in six months, the first thing that she said to me was that she hadn’t eaten in over a day and a half; The reason being that because she wasn’t doing anything, she didn’t feel she needed to eat. My first overseas trip, I spent five days in Fiji looking after my cousins; Her first overseas trip, she was fourteen and was proposed to be a local who wanted to live in Australia. In my family, having a child out of wedlock would be no big deal; In Annie’s religious family, they were distraught for months, which was made worse when six months after the baby was born, the mother abandoned him. She can never see the middle in a situation; she always has to go to the extreme. He problems are always bigger, her happiness is always more important, her life is always more interesting than yours.

3. If my parents “confide” in me one more time I’m going to scream. Why do they keep choosing me to be the one they tell things to? I can’t handle any more secrets. My Dad’s going to Thailand in March and he still hasn’t told anyone but me because he knows that as soon as the news gets out there’s going to be a big fight. Is he planning to just disappear for ten days and hope that no one notices? Grow a pair and tell her.


Edit: I can't read the post above without cringing at all the mistakes. That's what I get for trying to post from my phone.

All is not well. Long story short, there is a lot of alcohol in my family. I've never been able to say the proper words, so take from that what you may. When the truth about my parents came to light last year, my older brother was angry. As the calm one in the family, his angry was a lot scarier than mine. We were all really worried about him for a while there. Fast forward a year and his new coping mechanism is to spend all of his weekends obliterating thought and memory with copious amounts of liquor. He was supposed to be watching Little Brother at the cricket carnival, but was to trashed to even stand. This was during the middle of the day and he still didn't get home until after midnight that night. The next morning, he was too hung-over to get out of bed to work. And let me tell you, when your Dad is also your boss, you can't call in sick without some major repercussions. Every weekend it’s the same story. Things have been rocky since last weekend between him and Dad. I get that he’s trying to cope with everything, I do, but he needs to find another way. There needs to be a drastic change before something even worse happens.

I love the title to your diary!

^It's from Just Listen by Sarah Dessen.

Is it bedtime yet? I’m so tired and I’ve made so many mistakes at work today that it’s not funny. Thankfully, they’ve only been little, easily corrected mistakes, but still, I don’t want to be making them. I don’t even know why I’m so tired. I left the concert at a reasonable hour last night. The gig was a disappointment. The supporting acts were incredible. There was a local singer and I think the other act was a Triple JJJ band. They both sounded incredible and played a lot of songs that I knew, but the main act….so boring. His sets were full of slow, country ballads. It was absolutely freezing as well, and none of his songs were the type that you could dance to. Australia Day is not supposed to be cold! Isn’t there a law dictating that Australia Day be hot enough to get sun burnt?

The job search is still abysmal. There was an ad for a forensic cleaner. Um, I don’t think I have the stomach for that if it entails what I think it does. Most of the ads are for mining positions, and those that are in retail, are full time manager positions. I sent out quite a few application, but even the places that I’m sending out applications to don’t have anything available. I have all of my savings and there are government payments that I’ll be eligible for once I start university, but with all the rigmarole that the government assistance entails, I’d rather make my own money. Plus, with the way most uni schedules are, I’m going to have plenty of free time on my hands and not much to fill it.

I write so infrequently these days that I can’t distinguish between the things that I was planning to write and the things that I’ve actually written.

One of my closest friends, Jenna, confessed that she had been diagnosed with bipolar and anorexia. We’ve all seen her curves disappearing- J was never a big girls but she did have an impressive bust and big hips- but I never knew what was really happening. She says that she’s not anorexic. The food just won’t stay down, she says. But isn’t that just a line? I don’t know anymore. Then there’s the bipolar. That confession, fifteen minutes after the first, broke my heart. How can the most together person I know, be faking it all? How can she be suffering so much, when I only see her laugh? I was having one of my bad days, she says. You see I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar. It was one of my bad days and I shouldn’t have been, but I was on the bike when no one was home, and the wheels got caught in some loose gravel, and I lost control. I fell and now they think that I’ve torn ligaments in my shoulder. I don’t know. Did she loose control? Is that what happened? She refuses to admit the real story to her parents. They’ll kill me if they know that I was riding the bike when no one was home. So the story is that she fell. I’m not going to question. Instead, I’m going to have pancakes this Saturday like we planned. I’m going to ask her if she has any red heels for me to borrow. We’ll discuss when and where everyone’s moving. We’ll discuss work. I’ll fill in the conversation with fluff, and if she wants to say any more, I’ll be there to listen.

First week of dancing that I haven’t attended and I’m already missing it like mad. All over Facebook are status from the teachers and students that I’m friends with complaining of sore muscles, saying how glad they are to be back, etc, etc. The photos are finally ready and I’ve been avoiding going up all week, so yesterday I went up and had a look. They were beautiful. There’s one shot of me in my red tutu, en pointe, with my head down and hands touching the floor, awesome. The photographer had some specific shots that she wanted to try out at dress rehearsal, an at the time, I was the only one on point, which meant that I was the lucky one who got to model them. Plus, the photographer knows that I’ll but the photos. I spent more than I should have, but it was my last year and they were stunning.

There are dance workshops on this weekend and I’m still contemplating if I should attend. The choreographer is amazing. He did workshops down here last year as well, and unlike previous people that we’ve had, he went the extra mile. He stayed longer than he was scheduled for, without getting paid, he never complained about how tired he was, he followed up throughout the year when Ginny had questions about her solo. Even if I’m not dancing this year, it’s a good opportunity. At the least, it’s an hour of exercise.

And who knows, maybe I will get a chance to dance this year. My dance teacher told me to let her know whenever I’m on holidays from university and she’ll give me some classes. I’ll be finished my first year of uni weeks before the end of year concert, and extra assistance is always needed around that time. Whatever happens, I know that I’ll never be able to cut dancing from my life.

T-minus 13 days and counting. I really, really need to start getting organized. I have kitchenware scattered at both houses, I haven’t dug out the single bed sheets and I’m still not sure if I’m able to take a TV with me or not. I haven’t even begun to think about packing all of my clothes.

Then there’s JD, formerly known as He Who We Do Not Speak Of… I saw him last weekend when we were out. Secretly, deep down, even though I won’t admit it anywhere but here, I was hoping that he would see me, but at the time, I didn’t think that he did. I was wearing my new control-top, Bridget Jones undies, my brand-new LBD, and my killer heels and I actually felt confident for once. (One guy told me that I looked beautiful. Annie told me I looked hot. Another guy offered to buy me a drink.) I’m thinking that he did see me, because the next day was a comment on my Facebook page from him. I hate how easy it is for him to do this to me again. My heart speeds up when I see his name in my notifications. The most banal things that he says run through my head for days. I take my time in replying, debating over every word that I use. I wish that I could ignore him, forget the past and move on, but I haven’t been able to ignore him since he walked into the classroom when I was eight years old. Now, not only are we exchanging pleasantries again, but in thirteen days, we’ll be living in the same town, going to the same university. What’s more, now I can’t decide what I want more: for nothing to happen, or for things to return to what they were…

If I laugh first, then you’re laughing with me instead of at me. If you’re looking at me because of what I said, then you’re not looking at me for the mistakes and inadequacies. Plus, well, I like to laugh. If I smile at you, you might smile back. Why would I be so serious when after today, this moment, right now, isn’t going to be anything more than an hour that I spent dancing? You can stand there, front and centre- all the best to watch and be watched- with your blinders on, acknowledging only the curve of your arm, or the height of your leg, and receive the accolades that you really do deserve. But let me ask you, did you enjoy it like I did? You are an amazing dancer, you memorized the routine and made it your own and we all noticed that incredible pirouette, I know I don’t have your skill, after all, I had to ask for the step to be explained and after that could still only do it slowly. I spoke to those I had gone to classes with, those that I had taught, my teacher, her Mum, the parents of other students; taking sips from your drink bottle, you stayed quiet. Maybe I should’ve followed your example, focused more on learning, pushed myself further, tried to be greater. Maybe it would’ve made me a better dancer, maybe you would’ve been impressed. I wasn’t perfect, I still can’t do that step anything but slowly, but I did leave smiling. Did you?

The middle of summer and it continues to be miserable. I’m wearing a jumper. It’s February and I’m wearing a jumper. I hope it’s not going to be like this Saturday, rain and goosebumps will not go with my dress. At the moment I have 27 people coming to my birthday-slash-farewell, not including the few maybes. I’ve only booked for 25, but if worst comes to worse, we can always add some extra chairs and be a little squished. My boss and her husband, who were only invited out of politeness in the first place, have both said that they’re coming, which will be a barrel of laughs considering the co-worker that’s also coming, doesn’t really get along with them. I was going to write that hopefully she’ll be on her best behavior, but I’m leaving in a week so I guess it doesn’t really matter. It’s going to be the strangest combination of people. Mum’s boyfriend is no longer working that night which means that he’s coming as well. I selfishly would rather that he didn’t, but I’m going to have to put on my big girl pants and get over it.

While I’m on the topic… I’m scared that as soon as I move away, he’s going to move in and replace me. He already stays over most nights, when I’m there and when I’m not. It’s not that I don’t like him, we’re nothing but polite to each other, but at the end of the day, he’s the guy that my Mum had an affair with and then left her husband for. With the boys, they can talk to him about cricket, football, school, fishing, etc, etc, but we’ve got nothing in common except my Mum. The television that he watches is superior to what I watch. He refuses to watch any movie with even a hint of romance or fluff. He didn’t teach me or any of my friends. I’ve gone off on a tangent. My point was that, once I’m out of the picture, they’ve got they’re picturesque little family. They can go on their camping trips without having to worry about the moody teenage daughter. I like to be in control, but I have to accept, that I have no control over this situation. I’m going to be moving out, and he might move in after me. There’s nothing that I can do about it. I have to smile and understand that there will be things in life that happen whether or not I want them to.

The original booking for tomorrow night was for 12, we’re now up to 36. Realistically, I think that it’s only going to be about 30, but I would rather have too many than not enough. My big dilemma now is that I have a hundred dresses and absolutely nothing to wear. I want to look phenomenal. This is the last time that I’m going to see a lot o these people for a very long time and I want to leave an impression. Sad, but true. One of my Mum’s friends is going to curl my hair for me and I’ve got a big sparkly clip thing that I’m going to put in it. I’ve got my big flower ring that I’m going to wear. I’ve got everything organized but the dress. I have a bright red dress that I’m thinking of wearing, but every time I put it on it seems too fancy. Maybe if I wear it with my lace tights? I think it might be time for an emergency raid of Mum’s wardrobe!

Ok, so I just signed up for who-knows what, because a guy called Elliot signed up for it and I love the name Elliot. This could turn ino a disaster, but I figure, if it turns out that I happen to be otherwise engaged Mondays 11-1, I simply change. Right? I checked and there's a cancel sign-up button. Whatever, it's exciting and gives me something positive to focus on.

I’m so nervous that I feel sick. The anticipation of tomorrow- the first day of the rest of my life- has given me nauseous butterflies. The corner of my room is piled high with all of the boxes and bags that I need to pack into my car tonight. I’m paranoid that I’m going to forget something, but I have to remind myself that if I do, Dad will be visiting next week and he’ll be able to bring any forgotten things with him. It’s the unknown that’s leaving me terrified. The next few weeks are going to require a lot of adjustment, and it’s something that I can’t plan or organized before hand, no matter what I would like. I have to learn to live with nineteen strangers. I’m leaving a town of 2,000 to live in a town with a population of 35,000. There are going to be times that I’ll struggle- emotionally, mentally and financially- but I need to keep my eye on the end result. I can’t spend my life here working in a job that bores me to tears. I want to do something with my life. I want my life to have a purpose beyond getting my little brother ready for school. I’m going to miss my family like an arm and a leg, but I need to remember that they’re always there, even if it is just a little farther away. As of this afternoon, I’m officially unemployed. After four years, I would’ve thought that I would be happy to be gone, but I’m so used to working here that I’m comfortable. Maybe that’s another good reason for me to be leaving: I want to push my boundaries, not stay somewhere because I’m comfortable. I’ll get paid for this week next Wednesday, and then I’ll be saying goodbye to a steady paycheck -another thing that I can’t control. I can’t magic up a job for myself, all I can do is put my name out there, apply for everything and keep going until someone says yes. As hard as all of this is going to be, I’m not going to give up. Wish me luck!

“I'm beginning to realize that things don't turn out the way you want them to. And sometimes, when they don't they can turn out just a little bit better.” Melina Marchetta

I’m so lost at the moment. I need to do a virtual brain dump to help me sort everything out.

It took a while for it to happen, but I’m terribly homesick. I crave someone who knows who I am; Who knows my past without me having to lay it out for them; Who knows that I watch too much bad TV and I’m sarcastic when I’m tired and that I hate wearing my glasses. I need someone to hold me, just for a moment so that I can feel skin against skin. Wrap me in your arms. Entwine your fingers with mine. Make me feel like I’m not alone.

JD wanted me to meet up with him. I wanted to so badly. I wanted him to see me with all of these new people. But we missed the chance and now I’m waiting to hear back from him. Now that we’re at the same university the inevitability of running into him is continually playing in my mind. I want him to see me on my turf. Come to my dorm. Sit on my lounge.

Then there’s the basketballer.... I have never had such an instant attraction with someone before. He’s tall and gorgeous, and I’ve tried much more than I should to see him without his shirt off. But I can’t keep feeling this way. He has a girlfriend- A super nice, adorable girlfriend- and he lives in my dorm, making him part of my little dorm family. He cooks. He cleans up. He says please and thank you. He teaches me dance moves. He sits next to me on the lounge, and in the darkness I can think of nothing but how easily we could be touching. I want to run my hands over his chest, but I sit on them and smile as he cuddles him girlfriend instead. I look at them together and my chest aches knowing that I'm never going to be the one in his arms.

There’s also James. For someone who would normally be my type, I find myself not attracted to him in the slightest. He’s studying journalism like me. I think he has a crush, and, girl that I am, I find myself taking advantage. Is it wrong? I don’t flirt, but I do ask for things that I know he won’t turn down. I make him share the blanket, then distract him with my constant wriggling. I lie to the girl so that he doesn’t have to.

I’m so confused.

If I was to have written this post two hours ago, it would have been a very different entry to the one that I’m going to write. Things were a little unstable- too much idleness is never a good thing- but now that I’ve been physically doing something, specifically, dancing and working on my lip syncing, I’m feeling much more positive.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been absolutely terrified of the future. I’m worried that I’m going to fail my course. I’m stressed about the upcoming assignments. As always, I’m worried that I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough, not nice enough, never enough... Maybe I’m not good enough, but now I know that If I make it to the end of these three years, proudly holding the certificate in my hand, it’s going to have the best possible result that I could’ve achieved, with every ounce of myself poured into it. Maybe I will let a few people down, maybe somewhere along the way I’ll get a little lost, but I’m never going to give in. I’m not going to let my tutor intimidate me because she thinks that she’s superior. I’m going to work hard until I can be at her level. I’m going to stress about money, because I don’t want to have to rely on my parents to get through this. Okay, I don’t have a job yet, but as long as I keep putting my resume out there, keep applying, than I can say that I’m doing all that I can to make it happen. I’m concerned that I’m going to gain weight. Yes, if I keep doing nothing, watching television, sitting on the lounge eating chocolate, then that’s a likely possibility. The solution is easy: continue to cook myself healthy meals, limit the junk that goes into my mouth, walk down the street instead of driving. I don’t want to shell out $300 for a gym membership, but that’s no reason for me to be stagnant. Getting exercise is simple.
It’s all scary and new. There are things that I’m not going to like, times when I’m going to miss my family like crazy, day after day when I’m going to want to quit. But as long as I remember what I’m here for, why I’m putting myself through all this stress, then I’m going to make it to the end, whatever that may be.

It’s another homesick night tonight. I miss my family like mad. A few of the girls that I’m really close to have gone home for the weekend, and even though I still have friends here, I want to have a little bit of time to myself.

I’m still really confused about the basketballer. He’s the sweetest guy that I’ve ever met. The dorm was absolutely trashed the other day and, without saying anything, he cleaned it all up. Another girl and I pitched in and helped, but he never expected anything. It’s so hard to be feeling so much for him and having to see him everyday. It’s even harder to see his girlfriend everyday. I’m not going to be the girl that comes between him and his girlfriend- I’m not that type of person, and even if I was, I don’t think he would be that type of person either. I’m not going to admit my feelings to anyone. All I want is for this crush to go away. I don’t want to be hung up on a guy that is so completely unavailable. I have to say though, somehow or another, we ended up having a staring contest and for the whole six minutes, my stomach was in butterflies.

I’m over the partying. Every Wednesday, without fail, all the university students go out. There are always themes, always vomit and always someone who winds up sleeping on the lounge. As well as the mid-week night out, there’s always more clubbing sometime over the weekend. The plan for tomorrow night is to watch the basketball game (where I will not be focusing on aforementioned basketballer), drinks in the dorm and then out at midnight. There is so much money blown on alcohol every week, it’s amazing. There are always complaints of not being able to afford food, but never a mention of not being able to afford alcohol. Most of the time I’m okay being the lone non-drinker, but am I ever over the drinking games. Some things are not fun when you’re stone-cold sober.

I can’t get behind the attitude that a hook-up is needed every night either. Why must it always be about getting someone home? Am I naive to hold out for something more? There are awards given and stories shared.... I can’t get my head into that mindset.

JD has disappointed me once again. He’s back to talking to me only when it suits him. I’m so stupid for thinking that things would be different. I can’t believe that I’ve done it to myself yet again. The only surprising thing about the whole situation is that I’ve managed to avoid seeing him on campus all this time. Maybe he’s the one that’s been avoiding me...

Good things are supposed to come to people who wait. Whoever made that up is an idiot. I bet that they were waiting for someone, and I bet no matter how many times that said it to themselves they never really believed it. Subscribe to that thought pattern and you’ll spend your whole life in a state of purgatory, never getting what you want. I think I am though. I keep waiting and waiting with all these expectations and nothing to show for it.

Okay, that road is a place that I don’t want to go to tonight. I’m going to have a very hot shower, put on my comfiest PJs and read the last few chapters of Pandemonium. Hopefully, tonight I’ll have a good night’s sleep. To anyone reading this before bed- sweet dreams!