There's a long history on the "friend" I'm talking about - let's just say that he was my best friend and I fell in love with him, and I was devastatingly heartbroken when he chose to date someone else, but we gradually renewed our friendship. Towards the end of the year, I felt like we were coming a bit closer again. Over the Christmas break, I sent him an e-card and then a private message on Facebook to ask how his holiday was and say I missed him. To my surprise, he never responded to any of it. I would have given him the benefit of the doubt if he hadn't posted a few statuses and "liked" a few things on Facebook, showing he had the time to do that much, but he couldn't be bothered answering me. I thought if he were my friend, he could have sent at least the briefest polite acknowledgement. To ignore me completely? It seems to show that he doesn't care at all, and I'm hurt by it.

I haven't seen him yet and I don't know how I should deal with him when I do see him again. I can't completely act as if nothing happened. Am I wrong to be upset by this?

I don't know.

When I get e-cards, I smile, and go "That was nice." I don't immediately assume that some sort of epic, romance novel worthy response is expected. He may have assumed the same.

Does he typically surf facebook from his phone? For my mom, it's rare for her to get on facebook on a computer. She's able to respond to posts and all that, but NEVER responds to messages.

Incidentally, I sent a former instructor of mine a message last summer. I'm still waiting for a response. And I've seen him like four times since then. :/ Some people just don't read messages, yo.

So...meh? I guess? But there's fairly plausible explanations for what he so gravely errored in forgetting to do.

And you, FYI, don't even sound like you're a TINY bit over this guy. So good luck hiding THAT.

I don't respond to e-cards either. Could it possibly be that he knows you like him and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings so by doing nothing he doesn't have to be put in a position to tell you that he doesn't feel the same way?

You can act like nothing happened...you just want to choose not to. Which is fine, but the reason you want him to respond is because you want him to reciprocate the feelings you have, not just because he's a "friend." I think if you say something you are really going to push him further away.

It sounds like he looks upon you as one of his mates, one of the lads, you need to get used to it because being a mate is not the same as being his girlfriend. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but it's just not.

The card may have been irrelevant (another friend said thank you for the card I sent her, but we talk constantly anyway) and I didn't mind that he didn't respond to that, but when I wrote to him later to say hello and ask how he's been, I thought he could have written a short note back! Messaging isn't a problem, we communicate that way all the time.

I didn't put him in any difficult position. I asked how his holiday was. Is that such an epic question? Trust me, we've talked about things, and this message was NOT a big deal. It just seemed rude to completely disregard a message like that, and it seemed to contrast the way we had been getting along before the break. :/

It's probably not the "How is your Holiday Going?" part of the message, it's the "I miss you" part of it that's possibly freaking him out.

I only say that to my relations (such as Mum, husband, etc) and very best of friends...or my dance teacher over holidays, of course!

If I was a guy, and he knew that you'd been crushing on him previously and got the snits when it wasn't reciprocated, chances are that he's probably thinking that you were going down that path again and he wants to avoid it.

Step away from your situation and see if you can spot the difference in these two messages with an unbiased eye:-

"Hi. How is your holiday going?"

or

"Hi. How is your holiday going? I really miss you!"

Chalk and cheese if there's a history there - well, to me anyway.

You could always send him another message, keeping it very, very platonic, and see if he replies. Something like "Hey, I went to the beach today and had a great time. How is your holiday going? You looking forward to school starting?"

I'm gonna be honest girl, I've read most of your posts about this boy and I'm a little concerned. It seems like you've gotten yourself completely obsessed with him and haven't been able to let it go for months upon months. This isn't healthy and isn't doing you any good.

The fact that you're saying THIS ISN'T A BIG DEAL but making it one by being really upset shows how invested you are in something that is pretty meaningless at this point. I understand that it's hard to get over that kind of hardcore crush, and it's even harder when the boy isn't responsive, but you gotta get past that.

You sent him a message, and for any number of reasons he didn't respond. The end. That's all there really is to it. Leave it there and invest time in your life. If you want your world to be the size of a shoebox you can keep worrying and over-analyzing what is going on, but that's no fun and isn't going to get you anywhere. It's time to move on, open yourself up to not thinking about him anymore and allow for something better to come along. Seriously, if you stay stuck in this one person, you're never going to meet another.

I know this post might seem like an over-reaction to the original post, but this is more of a reply to all of the posts you've posted about him because I'm pretty surprised that after all this time you're still stuck on him.

^ definitely not an over-reaction. OP I can understand that you have a lot of feelings and emotions wrapped up in this guy and that is what is making you upset, but at some point you have to will yourself to let this go. From what I see from your posts this has been going on since July 2010 and possibly earlier. I assume that you still see him on a regular basis due to being in shared activities, but you CAN act as if nothing happened, like Renae said, you just don't want to. Does any part of you realize that this has been going on for far too long? You can't be happy scrutinizing over every action that he takes and he has likely picked up on this too. You are putting yourself in these situations and then letting yourself get hurt when the outcome is not what you want. I think enough time has gone by to realize that he isn't going to act the way you want him to, so try to stop putting yourself in that position in the first place. Just because you want him to reciprocate doesn't mean that he is going to, move on, do something else with your time and energy.

Ok, since your past history with this guy got brought up, I went and read some of your old posts. Are we talking about this guy;

www.dance.net . . .

? This same guy that chose a different girl over you, over a year ago?

Because then yes, girl, you're being unreasonable. You either need to move on, or stop trying to be his friend. You clearly want different things out of this friendship, and all attempting to be friends with him is ever going to do for YOU is up your quantity of grey hairs. You know the old cliche, "You can't put a square peg in a round hole"? You've spent over a year hoping, dreaming and praying that the square peg (this guy and his affections for you) is somehow going to fit into the round hole (you and your affections for him). It doesn't. They never do. Square pegs don't fit in round holes - that's how that became a cliche.

If this is the same guy you posted about a YEAR ago (yes, a YEAR), then you need to stop seeing him. You need to de-friend him on facebook, delete his number, and stop all contact. Even if he's nice to you, it doesn't mean he's interested in you romantically. Sorry. Cut your losses and move on. Have your friends set you up with someone. Go out to a bar. Just. stop. talking to him. He's NOT going to change, no matter how much you want him to.

Are you two still in the same dance class? Is there any way you can partner with someone else?

To answer your question, you CAN act as if nothing happened. If you have all this history between you guys, he probably freaked the eff out when you told him you missed him. I would've.

I didn't put him in any difficult position. I asked how his holiday was. Is that such an epic question? Trust me, we've talked about things, and this message was NOT a big deal. It just seemed rude to completely disregard a message like that, and it seemed to contrast the way we had been getting along before the break. :/

You asked how his holiday was, but the reason you want to stay in contact isn't because he is your "friend". You want more. IT IS REALLY REALLY REALLY OBVIOUS, and it probably is obvious to him. No asking how his holiday was isn't an epic question, but maybe he's really getting the vibe that if he increases the frequency of your conversations you are going to get the wrong idea. I'll let you in on a secret...guys are really bad with confrontation especially when it comes to being honest and telling someone they just aren't that into them.

I've disregarded messages on facebook thinking I'd get back to the message when I had time, didn't see it, etc. I've also done that to text messages. It doesn't mean I don't like the person or that I am going out of my way to be rude. The fact this is bugging you so much shows that it is a huge deal and I think it all stems from the fact that you want him to like you so desperately that it's messing with your head and your own self esteem now.

Yes, it is the same guy, but you can't be serious about cutting off all contact, unfriending him on Facebook, etc. That's a complete overreaction, and for no reason. It's not going to help me, because I still see him all the time and yes, we are partners again, on account of our technical abilities.

PureTap, thank you for not jumping down my throat. I see your point. I didn't think it was a big deal (perhaps my mistake) to say "I miss you" because my best female friend and I say it to each other, and this guy's own brother just recently put a public post on my Facebook wall saying he misses me and we should talk more. That's obviously platonic, but I can see the point that it could have been interpreted differently when I said it to my "friend", given the history we have.

It's hard for me to act like nothing happened because I'm just not that good an actress, but now instead of being upset with him, I'm a little afraid to face him in case he did take the message the wrong way. I feel like I should avoid him, act indifferent or flippant or something, to counteract the message, but I don't know if that'll do any good either. Now that you've all yelled at me enough and knocked some sense back into me, I'm over being upset about the disregarded message (thanks especially to Imadanseur, for their perspective on it), but I'm worried about the way he interpreted it and might have reacted to it.

I don't know if this helps any, but a while back I had (stupidly) started calling him "brother" the way some of his other female friends do, thinking it would make him feel better that I'm not trying to go down that road again, especially once he was single again. Surprisingly, though, he eventually admitted that this bothered him, and I explained what I meant by it and he seemed much happier after that. He started sticking close to me in class all the time, complimenting me sometimes, etc. I guess the point of this is that he knows I respect our difference of feelings and was trying to let him know that and put him at ease. I thought we really were past the awkwardness.

You're wearing me out with this right now, so I'm just going to give you the answers you clearly are searching for;

No girl, it's absolutely not unreasonable to be hurt by his reaction! Are you kidding?! When he didn't respond to the first message, I would have sent him another one asking why not!

And why would you unfriend him on facebook? When he acts distant, it just means you're not persuing him hard enough! Keep going! You've been trying to get with this guy for a year and he's shown time and again that he's not interested, but keep going - he's just scared of how much he likes you!

There, good?

No need for sarcasm, Theresa. I thought we were OK as friends and there's no reason to cut him off when he and all his family have still been nicer to me than most other people I know! Ignoring the message did hurt me, but I wasn't sure if I was justified in being hurt by it, and now I'm over it.

So there, are you good now?

Re: cutting off all contact...it may be an overreaction for one single event like this one, but if you're agonizing over him for over a year now...if you had the ability to cut off contact then it might be a good option. You're clearly not going to move on and begin to think of other guys as romantic interests if he's there taking up all of your attention and energy. He's clearly not feeling it and it seems like you can't see other guys if he's in the picture. Just something to think about. You say that you can't completely cut contact right now, but perhaps reducing platonic contact wouldn't be a bad idea.

I guess the point of this is that he knows I respect our difference of feelings and was trying to let him know that and put him at ease. I thought we really were past the awkwardness.

I'll start by saying that this story is NOT meant to imply what he is feeling or thinking about you. However, I have been in his place, and I think hearing my story might give you an idea of what it CAN be like on the other side of the story. I had a friend in high school that was in my circle of friends by default: he hung out with some people that I really liked and were really good friends, so I really only talked to him because he was "friends with my friends". I never really enjoyed his company, in fact, he skeeved me out a little, but he didn't have other friends and he tried to be a good guy so we developed a rapport...we were able to hang out in a group without tension. And I thought this system worked. However, at a school assembly (of all places) he tried to put his arm around me while I was reading a book. Internally I freaked out and went "what the hell was that?" but outside I just told him in a solid and flat tone "Absolutely not." This started a long trend of him trying to express his affection. He asked me to 3 dances, 3 dates, and 1 church service over the course of a week, and started calling my mobile phone from different numbers to see if I'd pick up. He snuck stuff into my locker and backpack and convinced people to switch seats with him so he could sit by me. It only took one day, one time, of this behavior for me to freak out.

I could not be in the same room with him ever again and feel comfortable. Just the fact that I knew how he felt about me and how intense it was to manifest the way it did...If I was in the same room with him I needed to be with other people and I was on high alert the entire time trying to monitor everything I did and everything he did so that I didn't send mixed signals and I caught every way he might be encroaching on my privacy. It was exhausting! After a while he tried to go back to the way things were but I couldn't because every time I looked at him and every time I saw him looking at me I had to face the fact that he had all these feelings for me that I could not and would not ever even come close to and know that his internal monologue was probably going on every moment we were together. I eventually ended up avoiding him all together: I skipped lunch for months in a row because we had the same lunch period and I didn't want to sit at the same table as him. It completely freaked me out. Even years later when I think of him I feel nothing but discomfort.


So, my point is that it is difficult for you to let go of your feelings and for you to pretend that stuff hasn't happened....it's probably the same for him. It's not easy to pretend to not know that someone has feelings for you, especially when you know that the feelings aren't going away, and maybe something recently triggered him to feel a bit more uncomfortable again. I am NOT equating your behavior to the guy in my story (because I know he is 500 times more crazy than anything you have probably done) and I am not equating your male interest with me (because we don't know what's going through your head)...but try to understand that it is no easy feat continuing a friendship after there has been romantic interest expressed.


I doubt that there will ever be a time where ALL of the awkwardness is gone, it sounds like it will always be there in some degree.

Maybe he found a girl that he likes, and he is just worried you might overreact?

When a friend in high school expressed interest, I was already crushing on his best friend. I didn't want him to feel hurt that I was choosing his friend over him, so I kind of just ignored him. Totally immature, but maybe that is what is happening.

Attitude1407 wrote:

No need for sarcasm, Theresa. I thought we were OK as friends and there's no reason to cut him off when he and all his family have still been nicer to me than most other people I know! Ignoring the message did hurt me, but I wasn't sure if I was justified in being hurt by it, and now I'm over it.

So there, are you good now?

Did you say something? I'm still trying to process all the double speak here, so I'm confused.

He's nicer to you than most anyone else you know.

And slipped up once.

And you're all butt hurt over it.

And you want to know if that's reasonable.

But then, hah, jk, because I'm totally over it, hooray!

Did I get that all right? Because THAT reads like you're just being a drama queen.

I can't completely act as if nothing happened.

Yes you can, because nothing did.

It's not unreasonable to be hurt, but it seems kind of unreasonable to keep doing something you know will hurt you. It's not inherently more mature to keep in contact with a former romantic interest. If it's driving you up the wall or making you, him or both uncomfortable, the mature thing to do is to cut contact. The guy has a girlfriend and probably feels weird about being told by another woman that she misses him. I know I would if I was in that situation, because it's a very intimate sentiment.

You're not totally fine with how things are if you feel compelled to make a thread about why this guy didn't message you back (and an eCard? I can't think of a single time I've responded to an eCard). And that's okay, but you should just own it instead of saying "yes, things are fine, we're totally cool as friends".

I think you'd be a lot happier if you let this "friendship" fall by the wayside. Even if you still have to see each other all the time, keeping it cordial and professional instead of trying to be his buddy will go a long way towards making you both feel better.

Dani

I, too, think it is time to own up to your own actions that put you here. At this point I think it is way more appropriate to ask yourself WHY am I getting upset instead of is it ok to be upset. Realize that him not responding to your message only happened because you sent that message in the first place. I am glad you can see now that perhaps saying that you miss him was not a good choice, but I think you are still trying to convince yourself that you have some great friendship, when in reality it is riddled with awkwardness. Like I said before, I get that you will have to be around this dude quite often, what I hope is that from now on you can stop and think before you act and realize what actions could make him uncomfortable before you do them. Have some willpower, when you feel the urge to send him a message or even look at his facebook force yourself to do something else, when you pick up the phone to call him just call another friend instead, instead of hanging around him at dance class just do your partnering and remain focused on class, go talk to other friends once class is over. It is hard to hear all of this for sure, but you owe it to yourself to get this guy out of your mind.

Let me share a little story. A guy I work with started fooling around with my roommate, who was also a friend of mine a few months ago. He ended it pretty quickly when he realized that she was getting way too attached way too quickly, and she was pretty devastated about it. He told her that they could still be friends, but as I said, it was pretty clear that she was still really into him. He's since started seeing someone else.

She texts him periodically, asking him how he's doing, how his classes are, how his exams went, and how his Christmas was - all under the guise of just being "friendly." But let's be honest - none of this is just friendly and any response she gets just gives her hope that something can happen between them when it can't.

So, he hasn't been responding to her and I'd wager that it's the same reason you didn't get a response. You're "friendly" Christmas e-card and "I miss you" isn't friendly because you still have feelings for him, and he's seeing someone else. It's time to move on.

Let me clarify a few things! First of all, his girlfriend dumped him a long time ago and he's been single ever since, but I knew his feelings for me weren't going to change and I didn't want him to be put off by thinking I would try to get another chance with him. That's why I started calling him "brother" like his other platonic friends do, thinking it would assure him that I didn't have romantic feelings for him anymore. I don't know why that bothered him, but in any case, we cleared up the misunderstanding, I made it clear that I respected his feelings, and he was really happy and friendly after that. All along, I've been very respectful of his space, I'm usually never the one to approach first or speak first. He started hanging around me in class all the time, standing face-to-face with me at the barre, being the first to say hi or give a compliment, etc. How could I distance myself completely when he started acting friendlier? I really thought our last talk had cleared away any awkwardness and we understood each other. I guess it was an instinctive insecurity that made me take it as a personal slight when he didn't answer the message, despite the way he's been acting when I've seen him lately. I shouldn't have been so quick to take it that way. Knowing that he does know me reasonably well by now, I don't think he was freaked out by this message... I think it was probably just forgetfulness.

lol...you're funny.

In less than two days you go from "I'm so hurt that he didn't respond to my message...am-i-rite" (DDN says overreaction) "Never mind, I"m over it" (DDN says he's probably uncomfortable) "He probably just forgot, it's not that he's uncomfortable".

Sure, it's possible that you're right, that he just forgot and that he is 100% comfortable with your interaction. But, really, it's not the most likely scenario to pick from here.

Well, ALL of it is speculation until I see him again and see how he acts towards me! But yeah, I know, my perspective on it has been swinging widely depending on who I talk to. I first mentioned it to one close friend and she said, "He should answer! It's only right!" Then I came here to get objective opinions from people who aren't so close to me.

Attitude1407 wrote:

I first mentioned it to one close friend and she said, "He should answer! It's only right!" Then I came here to get objective opinions from people who aren't so close to me.

I say this with love, because goodness knows I've been where you are, or some place like it. Us girls are our own worst enemies when it comes to seeing relationships for what they actually are. Often people will take the easy way out- ie the path least likely to hurt our friend's feelings -in these situations. No doubt your friends know what you want to hear, and that's what they're telling you. This "girl, he's doing you wrong" thing we feed eachother is more about making our friends feel better, than actually shedding any light on the situation.