I'm not even sure really to begin with this, I'm reeling at the moment.

I attend a university in a large city in Canada, I also teach there and so does my brother (11 year my senior if that makes any difference,) I work and study in the arts department and he in the graphic communication department.

Today my mother and I were talking and apparently because I never talk about my grades she was getting worried, I haven't lived with my parents in over two years and I pay for my own schooling. She went behind my back and asked my brother to look into things for her. He obliged and used his authority as a professor to obtain my student records and relay my private information back to my family. There was no formal request filed with the school for this.

If this is a breech and I take it to the school my brother will be fired, however, I feel violated that he would even do that.

I don't know how to handle this, if I should take it to the school or even if this is anything but a sibling dispute. I'm so confused at the moment.

I COMPLETELY understand why you're upset. And I wouldn't dream of telling you what you should do. But I will advise that you not do anything until you put a LOT of thought into it. Give yourself some time to cool down because you don't want to act in haste. If you decide to report your brother to university authorities, that will likely have repercussions for you and for your family that may last many years. This is a very serious situation for everyone involved, so be sure to give yourself some time and distance so you can contemplate the situation with a cool head. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

O boy. That's a horrible situation to be in.

Is it a school issue? Absolutely.
Is it a sibling issue? Absolutely.

Personally, I wouldn't report him if he were my brother because I wouldn't want to face the years of consequences from my family. It would cause MAJOR family issues and the drama and cut ties wouldn't be worth it for me - I value my extended family too much. That said, he would need to know that his actions were completely inappropriate and will not be tolerated in the future. I would confront him head on (make it a sibling issue) and tell him that if he pulls this kind of ILLEGAL crap again I'm going to report him. I'd also tell my parents that THEIR actions in asking my brother to put himself in such a precarious situation is completely out of line.

I'm one for second chances, though.

I'd talk to the family first and try to avoid talking to the uni except as a last resort. I agree with panic - big waves will be made if you speak to the uni first, so let's not do that.

I'd be inclined to speak to your brother first. I know a lot of parents will ask for sneaky favours but I'd be personally more pissed off at his epic violation of trust and abuse of authority. I'd be asking why he did it, and if he was likely to do so again. If I felt he was likely to do it again, that's when I'd start thinking about notifying the university. At some point I'd also want to speak to my mother and explain that what she did was wrong, and that you're hurt that she's not respecting your right to privacy and independance. (Fortunately, real-life mother understands this and has NEVER requested to see my uni marks)

I entirely defend your right not to talk about your grades with your family though. It's one of my favourite things about uni.

I agree with Panic and certainly don't feel comfortable telling you what to do because every situation is different, everyone's family dynamics are different, etc.

YUCK YUCK YUCKY situation to be in though. I agree with a cooling off period, and me personally...I probably wouldn't turn my brother into the school. In my family I don't think my brother or my parents would be acting maliciously...just going about things in a very dishonest manner which fractures trust. I would eventually schedule a meeting with my brother and tell him how that made me feel, how disappointed I was, and how I'm really angry. I would also tell him if he ever did it again I'd go to the school. Further I'd have a discussion with my mother and speak to her about boundaries, inform her that she she put my brother in an awful situation professionally and due to her request has strained your relationship, and broken trust...why would I ever want to talk to her and trust her after this nonsense? AGAIN...this is me and what would work for my relationship in my family.

Wow, I'm just trying to imagine this and I can't begin to fathom how peeved I'd be. Anger flying in so many directions. Please update us on what happens. *hugs*

Wow, what a crappy situation. I agree with Panic- I don't really feel comfortable telling you what to do but I can tell you what I did in a similar situation.

My mother-in-law started working at the local hospital. I had worked there myself several years ago and you can look up anyone's records- no authorization required. You are expected to NOT do so, but honestly all it takes is a cubby office by yourself for some privacy and you could have a hayday on there looking up anyone and everyone. I was having some medical issues and had some tests done at the hospital. She called and asked my hubby how my tests went. He told her the results weren't in yet. She took it upon herself to not only look up the results, but told HER ENTIRE side of her family my test results before I even got them!!!! This put me in a sticky situation too because if I reported her then she would get fired, which could create some family issues, like in your case. I ended up switching hospitals and never went back to that hospital ever again, which made her annoyed, but I didn't feel comfortable with her easy access to my private health information. I'm not sure if something like that would work in your situation, but it's something to consider.

OGAWD what is wrong with these people?

^ It's your own fault for writing such a sensible response.

OP, if I were you I would go to your brother and essentially say, "I am in this position where a university professor has violated his privileges to look up information on me and I really can't decide if I should report him as he deserves. Tell me, what would you do?"

Obviously, the idea here is to make it completely clear you've been told exactly what he's done and make him squirm. It also puts the ball in his court. Let the grovelling begin.

Of course, I can be mean when I'm hurt. Maybe you're a kinder person than I am. But that's what I would do.

I like pols' suggestion, but I think I'd be even more direct. I'd call a family meeting. If your brother gives you any backchat about coming, I'd tell him his job may depend upon it. Then I'd explain to Brother and Mom that this was a huge violation of your privacy and of your trust in them, and is completely unacceptable. I'd tell your brother that you will refrain from complaining to the university - for the moment. But that you've documented it, and that if it or anything like it ever happens again, you'll go directly to the dean. I'd let them know that they both betrayed your trust. They're not taking you seriously as an adult with adult rights, so I think you'll have to talk tough with them in order to get them to see the gravity of what they've done.

I have to say, I don't really think your mother has much to do with this. Yes, she was nosy and you have every right to tell her to back off, but it was your brother's responsibility to inform her that snooping through records is both out of line and can actually cost him his job. He's an adult and he's a member of staff at the university. He knows the rules even if she doesn't.

Wow, that is outrageous. My parents do stuff like that all the time, and it never gets any less hurtful.

I would report him. Is he tenured? It's very difficult for tenured professors to be fired, and it's unlikely the university would take such drastic action over a one-time, within-the-family offense. But that is a serious breach of your privacy, and I would not let him off the hook about it even though he's family.

My dad teaches at the school my brother and attend and he's never looked up our grades. I would bring down the house if he ever did something like that. I'm not entirely certain he is able to do so, because we aren't his students.

I would perhaps have a conversation with your brother and see what he says. If he says he's sorry or has a good explanation, just tell him you'll report him if he does it again (and do so, of course); if he's a jerk about it, report him. The only reason I would consider not doing so is if he's the sneaky sort (not making any judgments, I just don't know!) this gives him time to prepare or cover up, etc.

Best of luck to you, definitely do SOMEthing about this though. People are jerks.

Agree with everyone who said you should confront your brother and your parents. In future perhaps it wouldn't hurt to share some school news with your mom from time to time, but tell her explicitly that she must ask YOU if she wants to know anything about YOU.

Another problem here is that if your brother can access your information, then there are tens if not hundreds of other people who will be able to access thousands of other people's information. Your university has a loophole that needs to be closed. Can you report the problem without mentioning specifics? I would look into it if I were you - your security is still at risk and so is everybody else's. If there's any possible way that the university can be encouraged to look into flaws in its systems without having to name names, then you should definitely do that.

Slight hijack... but re: Louise's comment: at the university where I teach, any professor can act as an advisor, so we all have potential access to all student records. Generally, you need to know some piece of identifying information (e.g., the student's ID or Social Security number) to get access. So in *most* cases, the student has to give it to you in order for you to get access. A sibling might, of course, have that kind of information anyway, so perhaps that's how it happened? (Just saying, the system may be more secure than it appears in this particular incident.)

To the OP: that's a really sticky situation. I would recommend talking to your brother about it first. No, it's not ok, but if it were me, I'd want to know the details of what happened and why before making a formal complaint.

I am so sorry for you...

My family pulls this kind of crap all the time. Now that my parents are older, they've calmed down a bit, but one of my sisters has taken over the reins. Within families, people often do things they would NEVER do to a stranger.

Speak to your brother and say something like this...

"Brother dear....

"I, more than anyone, understand how hard it is to refuse Mom's requests. HOWEVER.... this is crossing a line and although I understand your position you need to understand mine.

"If I wanted to discuss this with Mom, I would have. If she asked me about this I would have told her what she wanted to know or I would have refused to discuss this with her. Either way, it would have been my choice, not yours. It is none of your business and you have no right to abuse your ability to access university records on Mom's behalf.

"If any other professional at this University violated my privacy this way, I would report the incident to the dean. Obviously I'm not going to do this to you, however, don't push your luck.

"DON'T EVER DISCUSS MY PERSONAL BUSINESS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

"Really... if you are concerned with my schooling, perhaps you and Mom would like to pay for it. Until then, your "right to know" is limited to your financial investment."

Hugs to you
xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

Wow! All that I can say is that, because I can't believe that he did that!!

I would talk with him, and mom, and tell them that you have every right to report him. Let mom know that she could cause him to lose his job.

I really can't tell you what to do as far as reporting or not, but there needs to be some family discussion here.

Wow, wow, WOW!

Huge thanks to anyone that took the time to reply, I was so relieved to see I was not just overreacting.

As per everyone's suggestion I took a few days to cool off before doing anything and in the time did quite a bit of research into my university's policy. Turns out my prof aren't even allowed to access my grades in a class other than what they teach unless they are my academic advisor. Unless a formal request is sent, no one but me, my prof and the dean are allowed to know my grades. I'm not sure how he did it and frankly I'm not sure I want to. There is a flaw in the system somewhere but there's no way I can address it without naming names.

My first instinct was to go straight to the dean as there is a huge rift in my family (but that's a whole other story) but my sisterly instincts kicked in and I resisted.

The first person I decided to have a "chat" if you could call it that was my mother. I explained as calmly as I could that what she did was wrong, hurtful, and straight up illegal and took the opportunity to remind her that as a teacher she should know that. I also reminded her that as my brother is not tenured and that I was quite sure she did not want to feel responsible for him losing his job for the rest of her life. I then re-stated that if she wants to know my grades or what's going on in my life all she has to do is ask, not go behind my back and spy.

Next up I spoke to my brother and said "Look, I know you love and respect mom but you can't fall to her every beck and call. You know as well as I do that what you did looking up my grades was not only inappropriate, it was illegal and you could be fired for it." The look on his face was priceless as I continued, "Be assured I will not say anything THIS time and THIS time ONLY. If I hear that you're pulling any more [insert curse] like this I will report you MYSELF."

I feel as thought I stated these thing to them and the understood my stance very clearly, My program is offered only at this university in all of Canada, so I'm not going anywhere. My family is clearly aware of how difficult it is for me to trust anyone, and this has defiantly created a new and in my opinion, unnecessary issue. For the most part at the very least they know where I stand and that I will not put up with anything like this any longer.

Thanks for all the advice team!

I am glad that you waited to speak, calmly, and were quite clear on your future actions.

I cannot imagine, being a mother/grandmother/teacher, that I would ever do something like that. It just boggles my mind.

You sound like a very mature and clear-thinking individual. I wish you must success and happiness.

You handled the situation perfectly. I doubt your brother would be foolish enough to look your grades up again. I hope this helps your family to see you as an adult with adult rights to privacy. I also hope your relationship with them will heal. Kudos for your mature approach to a tough situation.

Good job!



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