I'm nineteen which is why i don't think my parents are going to be very happy that when my Fiancée is on leave and visiting me that were getting married. On top of that they don't really know hes by boyfriend yet much less my fiancée cause he is stationed well in Japan. And I am moving out in about a month cause i have a very lovely fiancée who is willing to pay for everything(like everything from dance to rent and bills and puppies medical issues.)Thus allowing me to move out. But I'm absolutely terrified to tell them, they are horribly judgmental like I have yet to tell them a lot of things due to this nature. And I'm worried they wont be very receptive to the whole idea and not allow me to take my hound with me. This also may be in part that my mother will be lonely with out him but i know living with them hes not going to exercised properly and she'll just feed him everything she eats. So I'm worried for what my parents will think and the health of my dog and for the life of me cant figure out how to soften the blow.

I like that idea. What I'm worried about is the fact that there very judgmental and my mom had a head injury. Mentally she is like a 12 year old girl, a spoiled 12 year old girl who screams and cries when she doesn't like something. I've moved out before and supported myself just fine but moved back in cause the studio ended up closing(i was assisting teaching little girls in a stretching class)and i now do that for my current studio so i have the proper amount of hours i need to learn dance correctly. But the last time i moved out my dog gained twenty pounds in fat and she didn't speak to me the whole time i was gone. and I dont want to do that again since me and her are rather close.

I am at work and only have a few minutes, but wanted to jump in and give you some parental advice. This is such a bad plan on so many levels. Wow, where do I start. (I don't expect for one moment you are going to take my advice but hopefully it'll at least make you think...then you can look back on this advice and reflect.)

Your parents don't know you have a boyfriend much less a fiance. Basically you are LYING to them. Omitting the truth is lying. How can you expect your parents to trust you and have an adult relationship with you when you are doing things like getting engaged behind their back. I know you are saying, but...but...but...followed by a bunch of excuses and justifications, but what you are doing is so impulsive.

Out of all the things to worry about, you are worried about them not letting you take your dog? What if your fiance and you break up? How are you making ends meet without him? What are you going to do when you've destroyed the relationship with your parents? Even if you do end up getting married they are going to have a very hard time accepting this guy into the family because they are going to probably blame him for corrupting you and their environment. (I'm not saying that he's doing that.) Now his relationship will be strained and holidays will be a nightmare. Add a kid into this equation and you have an even bigger mess. I don't think you are seeing the big picture of what all this is going to create.

How to soften the blow? I don't even know if that is possible. You can't be that close to your mother if she doesn't know any of this.

Your situation is complicated, but also simple. On one hand, your relationship with your parents isn't ideal. Your mother's head injury and your assessment of her personality coupled with your overriding fear of even talking to them seems to be keeping you from acting like an adult here.

If I may...let's break this down a bit and see if you can find a way to sort this out.

1) You are 19 years old. I married at 20, and although I wouldn't advise anyone to do this, it isn't as if you are 15. The transition from childhood to adulthood is often more difficult for parents than it is for their children, but even so, you have to try. You aren't doing anything illegal here. You have a boyfriend? Tell them. "Mom and Dad, as you know Jasper and I have grown closer and we've been talking about marriage. I'm happy and excited about this and I hope you are too." Step 1....done.

2) Your plan to move out and rely on the benevolence of your boyfriend isn't the best plan for an adult. If he were actually renting a place for himself and paid all his own bills and asked you to share his living space, it might be a different story. However, moving from one situation where other adults support you to another isn't a good step toward independence. Since this seems to be about "how to tell your parents", I might reconsider jumping into this situation right now. Tell them about your relationship and give them time to digest the information.

3) If you haven't signed a lease yet...don't. Again, although your boyfriend wants to be generous and help you, you are making him responsible for you and right now he isn't free to make clear decisions no matter how heartfelt. Following WWII Eleanor Roosevelt wrote a letter from Hyde Park on the issue of "war brides", strongly suggesting that American lads stationed overseas NOT get married until they had been discharged and living back home in the states for at least 3 months. There was great wisdom in this suggestion. When he is back home circumstances are going to be very different and no matter how sincere his intentions are right now, it isn't fair for him to be encumbered by decisions made (figuratively)under the heat of battle. If this marriage is going to be for a lifetime (and I hope it is)you need to build a very strong foundation. Your age and his situation are both strikes against the likelihood of success, statistically speaking. I STRONGLY suggest following an alternative plan here. Patience.

3) Make a good plan. Once your parents know you hope to marry, they won't be shocked to hear you are making plans to move forward with your life. There isn't any good reason for them to view your moving out as running away from home. This is a transition all adults make. Start saving money. No matter how small your income, set aside money every week as a nest egg to enable your new life. I would strongly suggest you sock away 6 months living expenses before you make any financial commitments. You will have a great feeling of accomplishment and have greater control over your own situation if you do this. Take full responsibility for your dog now. Take her out in the morning, feed her, brush her, play with her outside on a regular schedule. Schedule the vet appointments and pay for them yourself. Don't say you are going to do this...just do it. If you take full responsibility for the dog, it will be natural for you to take it with you when you move out.

4) DO NOT let your negative feelings about your mother's head injury push you to behave badly. Your goal here is to move into adulthood successfully. These are your parents. You are going to have some kind of relationship with them, and it will be better for you if it is a good one. Treat them as capable adults (don't keep secrets)and expect that they should begin to view you as a capable adult. Your transition into the grown up world of self sufficiency will be fuller and more satisfying if you have a good support network and although you don't feel your mother is up to the task, give her a chance. You might be wrong.

5) I hate to even suggest this one, as I hate to be negative, but given your age and your boyfriend's "overseas" status, I feel I must. Circumstances may change. My sister was involved with the same boy for three years before he was stationed in Okinawa. They were high school sweethearts and when he was home on leave he spent most of his time at our house. Everyone expected they would live happily ever after. When he was home at Christmas time things were cozy and warm. In May, he wrote my sister a "Dear Jane" letter. In his loneliness he started to spend more time in off base socializing in the local "watering hole", and got a local girl pregnant. He married her, wrote to my sister, and ended the letter with "don't blame yourself". In a million years no one could have seen this coming.

I am not suggesting this happens often, however, it isn't the first or only time it has. Likewise, while he is away, you may continue to grow and change yourself and perhaps feel differently about things than you do now. You are still very young. If you are beholden to him for financial support things will be complicated. It is hard to consider that this might not work out two years from now, but you should consider what if it doesn't? Please think about this for a while longer.

Please keep us informed as things develop. I wish you the best.

Keep On Dancing*

There is no way to soften the blow. You are going to surprise the heck out of them and there's nothing you can do about that. However, if you are bent on your plan, then all you can do is calmly and firmly tell them exactly what you are going to do. Don't ask for the dog, tell them you are taking the dog.

That said, if you are going to be living the life of an adult then you must accept all the consequences of your actions one of which is that your relationship with your parents will change. I don't understand how on the one hand you say you and your mother are 'rather close' but on the other hand she has no idea that you have been seeing someone or that you want to move out. She will be hurt that you didn't tell her. If she has a medical issue that affects how she reacts to things then that is even more onus on you to handle this better. Frankly, you are acting immature, more like a child than an adult. Why are you so terrified to tell them? If they are judgmental, then guess what: You, as an adult, have to be able to stand up for your own choices despite the judgment of others, especially family members. The fact that you are so scared to tell them, that you keep secrets, that you can't even ask for your own dog tell me that perhaps you should take pause on your plans and grow up a little bit before going forward with them.

Imadanseur, Christine and d4j have posted excellent replies. If you are not mature enough to be honest with your parents, you are not mature enough to get married. I suggest that you stay home a bit longer, focus on becoming self-supporting so that you aren't going from depending financially on your parents to depending financially on your boyfriend. One sign of adulthood is the ability to support yourself. Another is the ability to be honest about things regardless of what others may think. You have all the time in the world to be married; work on growing up first. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he'll wait.

If you are grown up enough to marry, you should be grown up enough to be able to talk to your parents. They deserve the truth from you. You've gotten some good advice, but you probably are not going to take any of it.

And let me just say, you could be kinder to and about your mom. She's had a head injury, for cripes sake!! It's not her fault she's having problems with her temperament or cannot care for your dog.

It sounds to me like you are just looking for an escape.

kk~

I am a mother, and grandmother. Let me ask you this, why are you in such a hurry? Do you fear losing his love, or losing him?

Marrying him, will not change that, I can assure you.

I was married young, just short of my 21st birthday. I can look back now and think that I could have waited longer, for a variety of reasons, and things would have been better.

My parents knew my husband and though we were engaged fast, we had a year and a half engagement.

Still, in hindsight, I should have waited. If you want more reasons why, I can give them.

In the meantime, ponder this.....

marriage.about.com . . .

I went ahead and told her Ive gotten a boyfriend and that we are discussing getting married. Shes no longer speaking to me nor is my dad. Which i honestly expected, generally their reactions are worse(I lived in a hotel for two months once because they kicked me out over saving a few kittens) Currently they are both fighting.

I know its not ideal or the best plan on earth if it were my parents would be speaking to me and wouldn't of spent the day screaming at one another about what they think is best for me(though it really isn't their choice and what i wanted to avoid happening) and the only thing thats been made definite is the fact that they are demanding to keep the dog -__- which i agreed to only if they walk him around the block every day and allow me to take him out three times a week n a five mile jog.

I don't need to rely on him to cover my bills but he is insisting because he thinks it is "manly" Though i will more than likely just save all the money i do make for the wedding, random expenses or to pay for my school things. or possibly jsut save it. His name though will be on the lease along with mine, and the apartment manager said that it is ok because for what ever reason something messes up because he is military it'll come out of the deposit or the fund. Were not really in a rush to get married I've known him since i was 13(give or take a year)and even when we were younger we would always talk about what we wanted in life so on and such. I was actually really happy when he asked me cause he was so freaked out by it and stuff i thought i had screwed up somehow.


But regardless I'm waiting for my parents to calm down so i can explain the rest of whats going on in my life to them, Im rather happy with everything overall.

And thank you guys so much for all the advice. no matter how pissed they are about it Im glad i asked other parents about what they thought I should do.

I hope that all works out for you. Hugs.

I hope things have calmed down now that your parents have had a little while to think things over.

Any news?

Keep On Dancing*

There not speaking to me still. Which is kinda sad and very annoying. I have tried talking to her and she wont even talk back.. so i might just tell her im moving out, see if she will talk then. but for now ive kept up on my chores Walked the dog daily(even in the horrible rain today ><) But my dad is speaking to me and he said he understands why i didnt really want to tell them. So one half of the battle has been conquered.

Hang in there. Perhaps your dad can help your mom deal with this in a more productive way.

Hugs..xoxo

Keep On Dancing*