I need to go around the corner (yeah, they're literally around the corner) to this mental hospital and get an evaluation sometime this week. 2011 was a HORRIBLE year. I haven't posted anything on DDN that happened (except for the dead puppies) and let's just say I'm sitting in my home right now. I need to go pick up my son in about 45 minutes and I don't want to leave the house.

I never want to leave the house these days. Ever. But I do it because I have to do it. I push myself to do everything. I don't know if I'm just dealing with the after effects of stress of everything that happened last year or what, but I sincerely don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to clean the house, I don't want to go to the store, I don't want to teach my class, I don't want to write the business proposal I'm supposed to be writing to expand my hula school, I don't want to do ANYTHING ANYMORE. I want to do nothing all day long. This ain't me. But it is me right now. Hell did that make any sense?

What is wrong with me? I need to take data on my son's behavior every day. That is NOT NATURAL. I don't care what's 'wrong' with my son (Pardon you EXPERTS, my son is my son not just a 'case') and I have to see a behavior analyst with him every week, and damnitt I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being a parent/therapist and a wife that feels like she's hanging on by her fingernails. I'm sick of pushing myself to teach my class and trying to expand a business that I'm not entirely sure I want to do anymore even though it is barely off the ground as it is. And I'm sick of just living. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm showing some serious signs of agoraphobia and I don't care if I ever interact with another human being again. That's REALLY not natural I know.

I need to go and get an evaluation. I need to take care of my health in more way than one and I don't want to talk to anyone about it. See the loop I'm in? I don't know if courage is the thing I need more than just someone to say 'no, you're not being frivolous, you really do need some help'. Part of me wonders if I had a legitimate few days 'off' if I'd feel better. Because despite not wanting to do all that stuff I mentioned up there, I keep doing it. I keep plugging away and I'm feeling worse and worse and WORSE. And my stomach is in knots and I don't want to eat today and I just... I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to lie in bed and cry and I have to get myself together and go get my son off the bus and deal with behaviors right now and put myself aside and just take care of him. And I love him so much but I don't feel like a good enough mother to him these days.

And now I have to convince myself to press 'submit' and not erase all of this. I don't want to post this. I'm just private like that. I don't want to post this. But I know something is really wrong right now and if I don't post this I'll just keep going and not do what I need to do. And I confessed to my mom I think I need meds and she told me 'you have to do what you have to do' and she's right I know. But why can't I bring myself to do what I need to do? Why do I not want to do this? I felt fine a few days ago. I felt great. I don't feel great anymore. I keep going up and down, up and down. I don't feel so great right now.

I think I want to talk someone about not getting anything done for a few days and seeing if that makes a difference and if it doesn't help then going over to the hospital and talking to someone and getting the free evaluation. I don't even know what to do or what I'm saying anymore. Maybe I'm just exhausted.

No, you're absolutely not being frivolous, and you need some help. I've always seen you as a pretty private member on DDN, and I've had ENORMOUS respect for how you've dealt with your son's situation. But if you need and want help-even if you only think you might want it-you owe it to yourself to take the first steps to getting it. Don't worry about having to delve into things in the future, or what you'll have to say to people, or whatever--just DO it. You clearly have some motivation to go now, so go now.

Please go. You shouldn't have to feel like this.
And it's terrifying to admit you need help, and to talk about it. But there comes a point where you realize you cannot live like this anymore. Go get the evaluation. When you feel like this, you can't think clearly, everything just becomes jumbled and pointless. Go tell them exactly this (it's like a band-aid, just do it.) and see what they say.

I hated the realization that, no, i wasn't fine, i needed help. Strangely enough, it happened at a theatre performance. I love musical theatre and I'd been looking forward to seeing this show a long time. And I just sat there.I didn't enjoy it, didn't laugh... And that's when I realized it.

I wanted to be able to do everything on my own, to not need anyone else's help. It still makes me wanna scream sometimes, that I have to eat meds, take it easy (easier than before) and to to therapy. But when I have a really bad day, I remember that I used to feel that way soooo much more, and then it's worth it. Because I have so many more good days now.

This came out all jumbled and weird, but I guess I just wanted to say I sympathize. And I know the feeling all too well. And I can totally, with 100% sincerity say, that it gets better. That getting help is worth it.


Hugs.

You need and deserve help!

Do you get any kind of respite care for your son?

No more respite care. We had a person for a while that we really trusted. Then the State of Florida went and yanked the rug out from under all Special Needs children and their parents. So we got our services cut literally in half. And then it was cut in half AGAIN. Our next respite care person just quit about 3 months ago. She literally could not afford to get gas and serve the special needs community on the hours she was reduced to.

At the end of 2010 I was awarded 18 hours a week of respite. Then in the Spring of 2011 I was cut to 9 hours a week. No big deal. I was cool with that. Then it was cut to 5 hours a week. That was still enough for me. But it was cut yet again. I am now left with 2 hours a week and I'm facing having to find someone else, train them, try to figure out if I trust them enough to leave them alone with my nonverbal son... do you see what I mean? It's just too much stuff on top of one another.

I just feel tired. I feel fatigue all the time and I'm so close to wanting to give up. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel ashamed because I need to get more sleep but when I'm sleeping even in my sleep I feel this need to get up and do stuff and take care of things and I feel guilty if I sleep and guilty if I don't sleep and guilty if I so much as go out without my son and enjoy myself and this just isn't right. Who feels the need to get up at 2 a.m. and stay awake? I mean I feel like I should stay awake at all times in case of emergency. I always feel like the rug is ready to be pulled out from underneath us yet again. We've had so many horrible disappointing things happen since 2009 and now things are going better and I feel like at any moment things are going to go bad again. And I feel like I have to stay ready at every moment to take care of things when they go bad and... And it's too much. But I don't know how to shut off. I feel like I should take pills to put me to sleep for a long long time. I'm not talking about killing myself, lol! I just feel like I need to force myself to relax and shut off the brain for a time.

Cele

There are so many, many things that I want to say to you but just can't put them into words. I have a lump in my chest just thinking about you and I want to fly over there to help you out in any way I can, but I can't and it sucks.

As parents of special needs children - I have one too, but probably nowhere near as severe as your beautiful little boy - there are times when we have to look out for ourselves as well. I'm not going to say, do it for your little boy and husband, because that's not completely accurate - do it for yourself because you deserve it.

So can you just accept my virtual hug (((hug))) and take heed when I say to get your butt around that corner and do what you know you need to do? Even if you just sit in front of the staff member and say nothing for a start, it's putting a foot in the right direction.

Di

^Thank you so much, Tap! The funny thing is, my son's behavior has been pretty close to wonderful. Sure he has occasional meltdowns, but they are way less than they used to be. Between therapy and meds and sign language he is blossoming nicely. But man, oh man, am I tired of collecting data on a human being!

I spoke to my mother earlier. I think she's this close to taking over. My husband gets home soon and he wants to talk to me about the way I'm feeling. I haven't exactly been honest with him. I sort of let him know I haven't been feeling like myself lately but he had no idea to what extent. I know he's going to be upset with me that I kept this from him, but I can't lie to him anymore. I suspect he's going to force me to stay in bed for days or something and so is my mother. She's probably going to drive me over to the hospital sometime this week.

But I'm scared they might try to keep me or something. They can't keep me against my will, can they? That's my biggest hurdle. I don't want to get told I have to stay there!

I would hope not! I'm not there living in your shoes, but I would imagine that you're not 'certifiable', just overwhelmed with life and possibly a bit depressed. It could even be a bit of a hormonal or vitamin deficiency adding to your woes in which case, going to the hospital might be a quick fix.

I think your husband and mother helping out for a short while would do you the world of good: you don't have to step down completely, just share the load a bit - there is only so much weight of the world you can take on those shoulders of yours, after all, you are not Atlas. It's not giving up on it all, it's letting them help you when you most need it. Better to take those steps now, than let it get to the stage where you have a complete meltdown.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a breath every now and then, my friend.

Another big hug to you and an offer that, if you ever need an unbiased but sympathetic ear to offload on, mine is availble to you whenever you want it.

Cheers
Di

They, as far as I know, can't keep you against your will unless you're a danger to other people. I felt really unsteady 2 springs ago and was in the hospital one night and they wanted to move me to inpatient, but I decided against it. I had to sign a waiver and everything and ended up okay.

Mama you are so strong and you're always in my heart and constantly on my mind. Deep down you know this isn't right, and you need the help. You NEED the help, there's no reason for you to suffer this way. You'll cope better, you'll feel better, and you're worth it.

Good luck dearest, keep us updated. <3

Wow. Sounds like mama needs a vacation!! Seriously, hon, it's time for a huge "time out".

Let me ask you something, when was the last time you did something for you? Just you, nobody else. If you don't take care of you, you can't do a good job taking care of everybody and everything else. And you know this!

I have been totally overwhelmed like this, too. And I had to take a big step back and. Chill. Out. Fortunately for me, this happened after my youngest graduated high school, so a natural break occurred. (And I literally did nothing for six or eight months.) But if a natural break is not there, you are going to have to find a break, anyway. And reach out for some help. Writing all this was a big first step, so, go you!!

Delegate some of these responsibilities. Let hubby and mom help. Find or hire some help at work and home. Postpone some things, if you can. And focus on you for a while! You need it and you are worth it!!

They can't keep you if you are not a danger to yourself or others but talking to them and getting some coping skills would be invaluable! So, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Hugs, kk~

Sounds to me like you're exhausted and probably depressed. ***HUGS*** I'm glad you've spoken to your mother and I'm glad you're going to talk to your husband as well. You DO need a break and admitting that is not admitting any fault.

As kk said, you can't take care of everyone else if you're not able to take care of yourself.

***HUGS***

Love you. I know you can get through this. You just have to let other people pick up the slack for a while.

Helen

I'm not quite sure what to say that hasn't already been said, but I love you and I'm glad that you've spoken to your mum and I know how hard it is to take a step back and say "No I really do need to take care of myself as well" without feeling selfish... You are doing the right thing by yourself and your family though, when you seek help.

And I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been picking up for you. I really hoped that they would have started to by now.

Best of luck with everything, my dear! You're a strong lady; you can do more than just go through the motions.

*hugs*

Oh Cele, I'm sending you the biggest hugs right now! {{{Cele}}} Try to remember that you ARE taking care of your family when you take care of yourself, by giving them a healthy and rested you they receive your best. So don't feel guilty! Besides you totally deserve this gift of rest to yourself - you know you do!

Here are some pics of peaceful settings. There is a seat in each one for you to imagine yourself in. So take a seat and some deep calming breaths and take in the beauty for a moment and know that lots of people here love you and that you are not alone.

<3

I don't have much to add to the fantastic things everyone else has written, but I just wanted to say that I've always had a great deal of respect for everything you've posted around here. I think you're strong, and kind, and sensible.

I want to assure you that it's highly unlikely the hospital will keep you against your will. According to my boyfriend (he's an MD), the criteria for admission are being suicidal, homicidal, or delusional. You're obviously not any of those. Nobody wants to keep a patient in the hospital longer than necessary, and the goal is always to them out and set up with outpatient care as soon as possible. I've never heard of patients complaining they were kept in the hospital too long after a heart surgery/ bout with pneumonia/ delivering a baby etc. (if anything, they complain of being discharged too soon), so why would the mental health department do the opposite? The cost of a hospital stay is enormous and they will take all efforts to minimize that (without denying you the care you need, of course). I think that stories like "Girl, Interrupted" have become such a part of our cultural consciousness that we have an unreasonable fear of the mental health departments in hospitals. But really it's not fun or profitable for anyone to hold you against your will.

All that was just to encourage you to get help and not be afraid of seeking it out.

On a different note, my mom is an occupational therapist who works in the school system with children like your son, so I could help answer any questions you might have. In my state, the school is required to provide home-based support to children diagnosed on the autism spectrum, so you could see if similar help is available to you.

Best wishes, and keep us posted on how things go!

I don't have any advice, but wanted to send you *hugs* and let you know that you ARE a GREAT mom, and even supermoms need a break once in awhile!

Thank you so much for all the messages, here and in my PM box. I truly do appreciate them.

Well spoke to husband last night. Made some 'deals' with him. We put our son to bed early last night and settled him in with a movie. I hate putting TV on for the kid at night but my husband said it would take some of the strain off of me to just do this for a while.

So after that he rubbed my feet and we watched movies for a while ourselves. Then I had to make 'deals'. I have 3 days to do whatever stuff I need to get done. After that, I'm "DONE". I can't do anything major from Friday through Sunday. And he was not upset with me for not telling him how I'd really been feeling lately. He understands. He said he thinks we're both going through something post traumatic or whatever from the crazy time we've been having since 2009. Everything is going well now financially but we're both kind of not doing well, waiting for some other cosmic shoe to drop. I felt better knowing he's been thinking the same thing.

Anyway, my brother is coming into town and...I don't know, he seems to have some kind of psychic connection to me. Every time I get like this, my brother breezes through for a few days. And then I feel 'all better'. No. I realize now that that has been nothing but a band aid all this time.

So I have a doctor's appointment next week which I was told I had better keep (husband). Knowing my mother, she will force me to go around the corner before then, will most likely me drive me herself sometime around Friday! I also realize I've been having some physical symptoms of discomfort that are not just nerves (stomach problems) that I think are already contributing to the way I feel. I've also kind of been avoiding in general thinking about the way I feel. The last time I did that years ago I wound up in some serious psychological hot water. So now I've got to force myself to think for real about how I really feel. Just because you ignore something doesn't mean it's going to go away. I need to acknowledge some negative emotions instead of pretending they don't exist.

Sweetheart, my heart is breaking for you right now. You are so strong and caring and the burden you are bearing is exhausting. I wish I could take you home and take care of you for a week. (That is a real life offer.)

Everyone has written great posts so I'll just add one thing...

Medication...

Do not be afraid of it. If you had diabetes you'd use insulin, wouldn't you? If you were lactose intolerant due to lactace deficiency you'd take supplements when you ate cheese, if you were anemic you'd take iron. Brain chemicals are no different than any other chemicals our bodies synthesize to operate.

I am not a doctor (and I do not play one on television...)but I do know a bit about some of this. Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors like Celexa and Lexapro might be just what you need. They are not artificial additions to your own chemistry. Your brain naturally produces serotonin. There are receptors that bind to the "business end" of the molecule to reabsorb free floating compounds you don't use. The re-uptake inhibitors simply bind to these instead, allowing you to hold onto your own serotonin longer.

It takes quite a bit of time for these medications to work. Therapists say 3-6 weeks, but I know people who say it was more like 3 months for them. The side effects are minimal (some libido issues)and you can't drink while you're taking them, but the side effects of depression are worse. Perhaps your doctor might write you a prescription for something and you can give it a try. If you don't like it, you can try something else. But there is really no harm in trying.

I hope you are feeling better today. Life is hard enough for most adults on a good day, but when you start everyday with more stress than most people even understand it is hard to remember what it feels like to feel good.

Please PM me if there is anything I can do for you.

Hugs, and prayers, going out to you.

Keep On Dancing*

Don't feel bad about putting a movie on for him. My brother has a tough time falling asleep and you either have to lay down with him, put on a movie, music, or something else that makes him feel calm. It's just not always feasible to lay there with him for 30 minutes until he's asleep!

Nothing more to add just that you definitely deserve the help. You've poured your heart and soul into taking care of your son. It's time for you to recharge so you can be the best caregiver. After all, you can't care for someone else if you aren't taking care of yourself.

You can do all of this. You just have to believe you deserve it which is way easier said than done.

Just wanted to creep out of my lurkerdom to say that I'm yet another member who has held massive amounts of respect for you as I've read your posts over the years. Everything that I would say has been said already, and in wonderful ways, so I'm just sending lots and lots of hugs your way. I'm sure you have lots of people to PM if you want an ear (er, set of eyes), but I'd be more than happy to be a venting outlet for you should you ever need one!

I'm glad your family is so supportive. Your husband's advice is especially wonderful--take that break!

How strange. I haven't lurked here for ages until today. Something told me to check dance.net out and I stumble upon this...
Its not an accident, I feel maybe as if the fates have directed me here to let you know that there are people that care about you. There are people like me who wonder why parenthood is so different for us and why can't we have that perfect parenthood image so many people portray.
That's not the point of my post though...
I just want you to know that I care about you and your family! I want you to know im gonna pray for you babydoll! I will pray that your heart is filled with joy and patience until you find out why your family has been put in this path. There are no accidents you know... This is all for some greater purpose. Just be nice to yourself and remember people care about you!!

I just wanted to echo everyone's responses, just so you know that you are loved. You deserve to be happy and healthy. I am glad to hear that your family is being supportive and you are going to get yourself some help to take some stress off. Stay strong, mama!

Oh and also, welcome back dangslow (even if it is only just for a short while).

Holy crap, after posting this my son has literally the TWO WORST DAYS IN SCHOOL he's had in...months?

Sigh. Deep breath. Breathe breathe breathe.

First off:

Dangslow. My goodness. I haven't spoken to you in ages. Wow, I guess there are people out there that do care! And yes, man, sometimes I wonder why in the heck is this the version of parenthood I get? I have people talking to me about how great their kids are doing in school, the funny things that so and so said. I would never tell them how that feels, how it hurts to hear it and know that the last time I heard my son's voice was almost two years ago. I wouldn't want to hurt them by making them feel badly about sharing their stories. They're not being malicious when they tell me, I know that. I feel no anger toward them.

Sometimes it feels as if my problems aren't that big of a deal, so I stuff my concerns down into a hole and leave them there.

I've spoken to my mom extensively today. My husband and I have spoken a lot as well last night again. I've admitted things out loud I never thought I would admit in the light of day. There are still deeper things that need to get said but I will not tell them. They are not professionals, they shouldn't have to have the burden of that going into their ears. I fully understand now that I need to talk to someone I am unrelated to and that doesn't know me about these things.

My son is off from school next week for 3 days. So my self-imposed vacation ends MONDAY MORNING. I am seriously considering asking my mother and my sister-in-law to take some shifts with him those days.

I called up today and found out the date and time of my appointment for next week, my medical appointment. There was a problem with my insurance. I was told I would have to go somewhere else. So I just came out and told the lady, 'I'm having some serious problems. My son is special needs and I can barely take care of him lately and I'm just barely functioning day by day and I need mental health services. I have no transportation to make it to another county (the only place my insurance is accepted) and I'd have to wait another full month to get an appointment otherwise and I just can't wait any longer. I've already waited two months for this appointment.'

So she found a way they can take me anyway next week. So I did it and confirmed the appointment. I go next Thursday morning. But I'll have to pay full price, so I'm going to have to enter a payment plan or something. And I feel guilty for sticking my family with a bill. Part of me is ready to just call and postpone my appointment so we don't have to pay the bill or just cancel it altogether. But I know if I did that I'm just racking up the mental bill on the inside and what good will that do my son if I can't take care of him at all because I'm so messed up I can't think straight?

Yes, I think I do need a vacation. Maybe that's just my problem, I just need a vacation. I don't know what to think anymore. But I'm going to that appointment next week.

If I had the money I'd take you to the beach somewhere and we'd do nothing but lay around sipping drinks and looking cute in our swimsuits for a week straight.

I don't know what all you had to go through and I don't know exactly what you're having to deal with right now, but I'm sending you lots of good thoughts and prayers that all will be well. I don't have any advice, but remember that you HAVE to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family. Do NOT feel guilty for doing what you need to make sure you're okay.

(((((hugs)))))

Still thinking about you mama. Hope you're hanging in there and getting what you need.