My son is off from school next week for 3 days. So my self-imposed vacation ends MONDAY MORNING. I am seriously considering asking my mother and my sister-in-law to take some shifts with him those days.

DO IT. There's no shame in saying that you need help. And I KNOW, you're not the kind of person that does that. I come from a line of women like that, and hatched a kid that seems to be carrying that line on just fine. It always makes James (my five year old) laugh when I say it, but it's true. If the kids head were on fire, he'd go "No, I'm cool, I got this. Don't worry about it..."

And that's gotten him nothing, except his own appointment with a doctor for anxiety. So what's it really worth? Bupkis.

Don't feel guilty for doing things that are going to make you a better mom. I love that kid fiercely, but I look forward to him going off to school. I get to relax, and be a grown up! And I think that kind of stuff makes me a better mom, not a worse one. Getting the opportunity to clear my head out makes me better, not worse.

So even if you just have your mom come over while you leave and go get lunch, or heck, even if you leave and just drive around the block - or even if she just comes and hangs out so you guys are working with your son together, there's no shame. NO SHAME.

Just letting you know I'm thinking about you, Cele.

xx

Helen

Well all the promises of help have literally evaporated. My mom got an offer for a vacation and I encouraged her to take it. I didn't expect her to stick around just for me, after all. She raised her kids, alone to boot, and she doesn't need to have to help me, too. Besides, I know when she comes back if I just ask her for it, she'll give me the help. And I will ask.

However, my other SIL was supposed to help me. I told her how I was feeling and she kind of was flippant about my mental state but promised to help. She disappeared on me. And I'm really angry at her now. Her and I have never really had a legitimate argument about much of anything. I think I've gotten angry with her a total of 3 times in our 15-16 years of friendship. I don't even want to see her face for a long time. I barely ever ask her for one thing and the few times I ask, suddenly she's sick, she's this, she's that, and she has the NERVE to always be offering her help, too! I will never ever ask her for a thing ever again.

My other SIL is going to come over with her kids over the next few days so I'm not alone. I guess she's worried about me.

My husband kept an eye on our son a lot for the past few days and made sure I could rest as much as possible. He's had me talk a lot, too, just to get me talking. He knows what it means when I just stop talking.

My mom, actually, wants me to take my anniversary this year and go out with my husband and leave my son overnight with her. I'm like . It's like around the corner, weeks away now. I have never EVER left that boy overnight. But he's 8 and he's ready and I'm going to do it. Big step for me.

I think it's time for me to actually have scheduled activities to do for myself when he's in school or even in the evenings just for myself. Stuff that's not business or dance related. Like my mom made me go for a pedicure with her before she left on vacation.

I'm thinking of going for a facial at the end of January. Know the last time I had one of those? I can't remember. Before this pedicure I had a few days ago, you know when was the last time I had one of those? Eight years ago when I was pregnant. You know when was the last time I had my eyebrows waxed professionally? Six years. My last manicure was 10 years ago. I haven't had my hair done professionally in nearly 9 years.

You know what I realized? When I had my son, I gave up everything and never bothered to go back and claim it. I never meant for that to happen. I always supposed I'd start doing that stuff again when he was around 3-ish. But then autism happened. I've given up too much and I wasn't supposed to. But no one has that talk with you when your kid gets diagnosed. And I wish someone had. I need to start taking time for myself and not feel guilty for it.

So I go to the doctor Thursday. I'll get some tests done to make sure some physical ailments are not responsible for my mental state and at the same time I'm going to insist on some kind of referral to a therapist or something. I need to talk to someone. And do you know that, even now, a voice in my mind is telling me not to go to the doctor? To just leave it alone? That I'm wasting my family's money? If it were my husband, I'd MAKE him go. Why is the voice telling me not to go? I keep telling myself that I deserve help, too. But I don't care. I've waited 2 months for this appointment and I'm going to keep it.

OMG, how did I miss this thread.

I'm going to send you a pm as soon as I get a chance, hang on in there, it's always darkest before the dawn.

Hugs to you.

I just stumbled upon this today, sorry I didn't see it sooner.

I don't have much advice to give but just wanted to say (((HUGS))) and I hope you get the help you need

Much hugs for you Cele. You will get through it. Sometimes life has to throw us a curve ball to keep it interesting. GET THE HELP!! And sometimes there is a reason for everything. Actually that saying has been keeping me sane amidst all this crap!!!!

Love you much!!!!!

Po

Went to the doctor. Diagnosed with anxiety. That was the last thing I expected to hear. Depression? Yes. Anxiety? I wasn't aware that what I'd been feeling were anxiety attacks, including the horrible pain in my back I get from time to time. Several other symptoms added up, I guess, as the doctor asked me lots and lots of questions. And it all surrounded the care of my son. I have decided I will never talk about it in front of him, whether he understands or not. The last thing I want my kid to think is 'I make mommy sick'.

So I go back on Monday to see someone to find out if I'm just going to see a therapist or see the therapist and get meds. I don't know. I have the weekend to make up my mind about the meds.

Don't let them pressure you into making a decision that day if you're not ready. When I see my doctor and I'm feeling iffy about something, I'm always allowed to go home and mull it over, then after I make a decision I call the office and they call the prescription into my pharmacy if that's what I decide. This is a pretty big decision, don't let them rush you. It's okay to take your time and think.

Cele!

I am just going to offer my most massive hugs and supports through the internet.

I can't imagine how hard it is to be a full time carer and all. Three relatives in my family are (looking after my relatives from severe dementia to alpha mannisidosis).

You are a selfless person, and it seems to be me that you have well and truly run yourself into the ground. Trust me, when it's okay to say you need help, and get support from rellies or respite services. It's a hard task, but the carers in my family are all supported by their respective rellies.

I think you probably feel there is some glittering ideal "perfect" parenting to live up to-but there is NOT. Successful parenting isn't measured by this event or that, it's the intangible and immeasurable love and support you provide for your child. Which you are exceptionally doing, may I add

To care for others, first you must care for yourself. It is better for your son and you, if you take time to recharge your own batteries.

Anyway Cele, just know that all the way around the world, years apart, I am sending good thoughts and vibes your way.