I would really appreciate any insight, advice, encouragement, or perspective. I'm about to lose my mind when it comes to my living situation. I live at home as an adult because I'm still in college and only work part time. I feel like my parent's rules are ruining my life and happiness. Also it seems that the rules are only meant for me and my younger brother can do whatever he wants whenever he wants.

My parents both work wacky schedules. My mom works dayturn and my stepdad works midnights. So until 5PM we are to be silent we cannot talk on the phone, have anyone over, or clean ( like dishes and sweeping ) which is totally understandable since he is up all night and needs to sleep during the day. My mom goes to bed super early for work around 8:30/9:30 so after 8;30 we can't leave the house, can't come home at that time unless I am at work or school, I cannot talk on the phone or clean loudly once again or shower for that matter. So my only window of time to do anything is 5:30 PM - 8:30 PM. I feel like I cannot have a life even on the weekends if they are working I get yelled at for coming home after 9 or when I'm coming home from work at 2 AM I'm not supposed to be showering. And I'm supposed to keep three dogs completely silent.

As for my brother is 19 and does absolutely nothing. He isn't in school or working. He quit his job one day because he felt like. He is always gone or sleeping so everything is my responsibility. I have to do all the errands and chores but he does nothing. He comes home whenever at night and he always has friends over. How is it fair for me to be working and in school and responsible for everything and not him?

I've mentioned to my mom about my brother and she always has an excuse and says " Oh he is getting a job and he is going to enroll in college " none of which ever happens.

I literally feel like a prisoner in my own life. If I saved every penny and worked non-stop I could techincally afford an apartment in about 6 months. I don't know what is more important saving up slowly and staying here through college or moving out and blowing a ton of money. I'm a junior in college and have roughly 4 semesters left.

Honestly... I would just sit down with your parents and tell them what you just told all of us here on DDN. Explain to them that you're not a child anymore and you deserve some freedom. Sometimes communication (honest and mature communication that is) is the best solution.

Good luck!

If they're going to impose that strict of rules about you being quiet then they need to let you come home at a reasonable hour. Seriously, there needs to be a tradeoff, if you're doing THAT much for them there needs to be some give there. Right now, it's all take, and that's not okay. (Yes, you're living in the house, and that's very nice of them, but you need to be allowed to LEAVE and RETURN to the house.)

I'm not supposed to shower after my parents go to sleep, either. I just started doing it anyway. They don't even wake up.

For actually having this conversation with your parents, I advise a set of rules I learned in therapy called DEAR MAN: www.dbtselfhelp.com . . .
It's basically how to have an adult discussion.

It's their house, their rules. If you don't like the rules, you can either suck it up or move out. That's what being an adult is all about.

I understand that it would be nice if they didn't have a double standard between you and your brother. But you can't control them - you can only control yourself. And you have two choices: 1) stay and live within the rules they set out, or 2) leave.

Actually you have a third option: do what you want, and to hell with the consequences. Obviously, you want to live free of their rules - you can definitely do that, but you risk their wrath. Only you can decide if it's worth incurring their anger.

Yuck. I agree that their rules sound completely wacko, but unfortunately as long as you are in their house, unfortunately you have to play by those rules.

I would GET MY BUT OUTTA THERE, like YESTERDAY. There are ways of making this happen. Can you live with another relative in exchange for a small rent payment? Can you move out and get a roommate? Does your college have on-campus housing? You may need to take out more student loan money to cover living away from home, but if your parents are wrecking your sanity, it may very well be worth it.

Good luck.

pharmadancer wrote:

And you have two choices: 1) stay and live within the rules they set out, or 2) leave.

Actually you have a third option: do what you want, and to hell with the consequences.

Yes, clearly, "have a calm, mature discussion with your parents" is not an option, because...?
Seriously, WTF??


Anyway, if you were to use the DEAR MAN skill, here's how it would look:

Describe the situation with nonjudgmental language.
"Mom, Dad, I understand and empathize that you work crazy hours, and I want to do all that I can to make sure that I don't disturb you while you're sleeping. I abide by the rules you set out. I respect that this is your house and that you're allowing me to lie here. However, I wonder if we could discuss some things. In particular, the way things stand right now, I only have a very short window of opportunity where I can get anything done, between 5:30-8:30pm. I can't leave or return after 8:30pm or even take a shower after work."

How does this make you feel? Express, using non-accusatory "I-statements" ("I think," "I feel," vs. "You did this")
"I feel that this is unreasonable because [if I am not allowed to do anything at home, I should at least be allowed to go elsewhere; I have no social life; I get dirty at work and feel disgusting]. The end result is that I literally feel like I'm a prisoner in my own life." (it's dramatic and true, so stress what a big deal this is to you)

Assert - say what you want, clearly - in your situation you want to tread softly here.
"I really don't feel like the current situation is tolerable as is. I think it would be reasonable if [say what you want here - what changes do you want to make?]."

Reinforce - show them they will have a reward. Explain what the results will be, even though it's obvious to you:
"If you did this, [I would feel so much freer; I would be happier because I would be able to maintain a healthy social life; I would be very quiet (say, you would only take a shower after coming home from work and that's it); A very important one I would recommend using: "I would feel so much more motivated to do all the things you ask of me because I know I will be able to have fun afterwards!"]."

DO NOT mention your brother. I know how unfair it is, but it's none of your business. Keep it focused on YOU. If you mention their treatment of him, your parents will go on the defensive and if they do that, you've lost before you had a chance to play. They will put a wall up and stop listening to anything you're saying. Don't criticize or accuse them, and don't make them play defense. Explain why you should have some lenience, how it's reasonable, how this is making you feel, and that you're actively saving up to move out as soon as possible. Paint it so that they see it's a win/win situation!

DEAR MAN only works if you're calm. You CANNOT raise your voice at any point in the discussion - even if they start yelling at you. You have to show them you're an adult. Demonstrate by example.


Most parents would see sense if you brought this to them. Alas, some folks just aren't reasonable people. If you keep your cool but this doesn't work, you know you've done all you can, and they're just nuts. In my case, I saw that no matter what I did I was going to get the same treatment, so I threw my hands up and did as I pleased. (Which is precisely why crazy strict parenting doesn't work.) I don't necessarily recommend it, and in my case I was dealing with emotional abuse from them as well. Only you can decide where your boundaries are.

Heart- thanks for the great advice I can see how having that type of discussion would really help me.

Things are slowly getting worse. My mother is the one who is driving me insane at the moment. She acts like she's completely helpless and I know how to fix everything. She was trying to send an important email to her school ( she's in college too) and wanted me to figure how work her school's email. I don't attend the same school therefore I have no idea how to operate it and she flips on me. She completely ignores me when I'm talking but expects me to give her my full attention. She was having phone issues and expected me to fix them. She wants me to wait on her hand and foot.

I really need to get my own place.

Update again

I've tried talking to them about it and they laugh it off like I'm being dramatic. I just got screamed out for leaving the house after 11 to get food because I had to wait for my brother to get home so he could watch the dogs. My family is driving me nuts they eat my food that I buy but my family refuses to go grocery shopping more like once every 6 weeks and even then my mom will only buy chicken and salad so then we spend the time eating out and eating cheap unhealthy food because my mom thinks we should only be eating chicken and salad.

I'm treated like a 2 year old.

Yikes. Talk about acting likes brutes - sorry that you have to go through that kind of stress.


Definitely start doing a bit of searching for a new, safe place; as suggested prior by the above poster, on campus residence is a good step, or you can contact a friend/another relative/go roommate hunting to find someone you can live with that can help split costs in living expenses.


As much as it sucks, at least this situation is temporary and you can get out of it, whether now or in a few months. Just plan ahead, work out your finances, research the areas of potential apartments, overall do basic work etcetc in order to get the peace you deserve. Gotta reassure yourself that it won't last forever, yet at the same time, gotta work for it and earn it. You have the power to change your own happiness - as you most likely know, no use depending on the family to do it for you, right? They don't even seem to want to try and listen or work things out.


Heck, knowing me, if I was in that situation I would probably even go stay in a hotel for a couple days before moving into my new place! Even if it would be a bit of a pocket drainer.


If you need to apply for financial support, then go for it. In context, better to deal with a basic daily repayment of unemotional money over the course of a couple years than dealing with a stressful and crude family that can possibly affect your health and stability.

Where ever you live you have to cope with rules, if it's not your parents rules it'll be your landlords rules, or the condo management committee rules or the development managers rules. Don't think that by getting your own place you'll get away from having to live by other peoples rules because you won't.

Just out of curiosity is it you or your parents that pays the mortgage and the bills because if it's you then go ahead, you have every right to complain.

Do you pay rent? If so at what level, paid in chores, nominal, or at full market value?

hummingbird wrote:

Where ever you live you have to cope with rules, if it's not your parents rules it'll be your landlords rules, or the condo management committee rules or the development managers rules. Don't think that by getting your own place you'll get away from having to live by other peoples rules because you won't.

While I'm sure that there are some landlord horror stories, I wouldn't worry so much about being oppressed in a rental place. If you're paying for your own rental, you WILL have a very large say in what you do there and how you live. Yes, you will have to be quiet and polite and abide by the payment policies laid out by the landlord, but the day-to-day-living rules are nowhere near as oppressive as those you're facing now, OP. Get the heck outta there.

Sounds exactly like my situation. Can't afford to move out, rotten brother, rules that are only for me (because I'm female and they can make me). My parents always gave me lots of consequences if I didn't do school work, obey them, and behave decently, which is completely reasonable. He is disrespectful, spends his entire life running away from school to play with friends, and is in general a self-worshiping, arrogant, illiterate pustule that somehow gets them to do whatever he wants. I'm graduated with a four year degree and all I need is for the economy to improve enough for me to get a full-time job and then... I'll fly away, oh glory.
pharmadancer: poster clearly stated that she couldn't afford to move out. if she could, she wouldn't have a problem. I could possibly move out, if I wanted to become a breatharian, use up all of my savings, get into debt, and bicycle everywhere. Oh wait, my damn brother stole my bicycle and ruined it. So much for that plan.

hummingbird wrote:

Where ever you live you have to cope with rules, if it's not your parents rules it'll be your landlords rules, or the condo management committee rules or the development managers rules. Don't think that by getting your own place you'll get away from having to live by other peoples rules because you won't.

Just out of curiosity is it you or your parents that pays the mortgage and the bills because if it's you then go ahead, you have every right to complain.

Do you pay rent? If so at what level, paid in chores, nominal, or at full market value?

Why on earth would anyone try and excuse this abusive, controlling behavior as remotely okay???

[insert debate about use of word "abuse" here, I'm not playing]

Sorry OP, that sucks. See if you can find a friend to crash with temporarily. You can also look into welfare and cheap housing in your area. I wish I had more advice, but I really don't. It's a crappy, disgusting situation to live in. But what they're doing isn't okay. Don't let them get in your head.

Where did I say I agreed with those particular rules?

I didn't!

The plain and simple truth of the matter is, their house their rules!

Your house, your rules.

There really isn't any grey area here.

^ True, but I think that given what the OP has posted, the rules are unreasonable in this case. So I think that it's not that the OP has trouble with authority and rules, but everyone has their limits and she's reached hers. When I was growing up, my family would try and stop me from going on a 20 minute bus trip to the nearest town when I was 18. I am not against legitimate authority, but this was not fair or appropriate in my (and quite a few other people's) opinion. So to try and infer that I, or the OP, would have problems with legitimate authority such as a landlord imposing rules on the use of their property, would have been inaccurate in my case and is inaccurate in the OP's case I believe.

At least I don't know of any landlord who would restrict their tenant's right to peaceful enjoyment of the property to a three hour window. So yeah, I doubt the OP is going to have problems once she can move out. OP - I'd do everything you can to make that happen as quickly as possible because by the sounds of things your living conditions are quite tough at the moment.

I'm going to try and address everyone's comments so hopefully I don't leave anything out..

I try to follow the rules to the best of my ability even though the rules are crazy.

I'm not allowed to talk on the phone after 8:30 so I'll sit out in my car and talk to my friends even if that means sitting outside in 10 degree weather in the middle of a snowstorm.

I'm not allowed to shower after 8:30 so that means when I get off of work from 9:00 PM - 2:00 AM I'm supposed to wait until the next day which is disgusting because I work in a restaurant and I'm always cleaning and touching dirty plates and not to mention I smell like greasy food. Or when I get out of school at night and have to be back early in the morning or if I go out and I'm sweating. I will take showers after work even if I get yelled at because of basic hygiene.

I was never allowed to have friends over but my brother will have 3 loud teenage boys spend the night.

I also get in trouble for cooking after 8:30 PM because my mom thinks I'm going to cause a fire.

I'm really responsible and I pay for everything except rent but I do contribute by buying groceries, making dinner, washing laundry, and buying random things needed for the house and our pets.

I wasn't in school last semester so it wasn't as difficult as it is now. I forgot about how tough it was to go to school full time and work at least 3-4 days a week and deal with my family.

I never really fought or argued about the rules because I do understand it's their house and they do have wacky work schedules but what started bothering me is after my brother graduated high school the rules don't apply to him. He's been out 4 times this week coming home at different times and on top of being quiet myself I have to keep three yappy dogs silent.

My brother told my mom that he is getting an apartment in a few months but I doubt that will happen.

I would love to move out. During summer I will be able to evaluate how realistic that is because I'll be able to save a lot more. My job isn't consistent right now because of my

Sorry it cut off..

because of my schools schedule. I work as a waitress so I can make decent money if I work a ton and pick up shifts but with school it's really hard to do that.

Major vent ahead..

So my brother isn't working and isn't in school and currently is without transportation so I'm in school full time plus working 3-4 days a week so today I come home from school and realize we are out of basic household items so I go to the store and my mom wanted me to stop at a million different places to buy random things after she just got done being off for a few days and I was a little annoyed but I did it anyways. My brother started screaming at me and saying " Why can't you just help mom out" ? I was like seriously you are an unemployed bum who does nothing and you expect me to take care of everything.

So after school I went and did all the errands and now I'm cooking dinner but everyone else is sitting on their butts doing nothing!

I hate my life and in the next 6 months I will move out no matter what.

I don't have a lot of advice for you because other than saying move out now which you would have already done if it was the least bit possible. I can't imagine being in your shoes and really wanted to post to say I'm sorry things are so hard right now and that I'm proud of how strong you are for being able to deal with this.

So yeah. Lack of advice but lots of love.

So if you started breaking the rules a bit do you think they would kick you out? Sounds like your brother is able to break the rules and there are no consequences so if I were you I would start respectfully pushing the boundaries. I would get yelled at and let it roll off my back. I would shower when I wanted, I would fix dinner for only myself, I would go out with my friends and quietly come home late. I would make myself scarce by spending most of my time in the library or at a friend's house. Totally passive aggressive but if you have already tried assertiveness and that failed, what other options do you have?

LoriCook wrote:

So if you started breaking the rules a bit do you think they would kick you out? Sounds like your brother is able to break the rules and there are no consequences so if I were you I would start respectfully pushing the boundaries. I would get yelled at and let it roll off my back. I would shower when I wanted, I would fix dinner for only myself, I would go out with my friends and quietly come home late. I would make myself scarce by spending most of my time in the library or at a friend's house. Totally passive aggressive but if you have already tried assertiveness and that failed, what other options do you have?

Last week I did try and leave to get dinner after class and of course got yelled at that night and the next day even though my brother came home twice in that time frame but it didn't seem to matter. I'm really going to start pushing some boundaries. If I'm not doing anything wrong or being loud about it , it shouldn't matter.

Today I've had another major fight with her to the point where I can't imagine dealing with this much longer. I mean at this point saving every penny is really my only option. I am going to start just staying away from the house more. I feel like it'll decrease the amount of drama I'm living with.

You need to find a local friend and show this entire thread to that person.

Hopefully your parents will listen to someone - some relative or minister. If not,you need to find a social worker.

I imagine that such personal problems are not rare in your line of work. Your co-workers might have banded together previously to help someone in a similar situation. If so, they will be able to help you now.

If your own parents don't shape up soon, the best they themselves can hope for is to spend their last few years in a nursing home with never a visit. You need someone who can drive this fact home to them.

schuhplattler wrote:

You need to find a local friend and show this entire thread to that person.

Hopefully your parents will listen to someone - some relative or minister. If not,you need to find a social worker.

I imagine that such personal problems are not rare in your line of work. Your co-workers might have banded together previously to help someone in a similar situation. If so, they will be able to help you now.

If your own parents don't shape up soon, the best they themselves can hope for is to spend their last few years in a nursing home with never a visit. You need someone who can drive this fact home to them.

Thank you. I've actually opened up to a few local friends about this recently and one friend told me that I could stay with her if I ever needed to so that's really nice. I just feel like I'm always being picked on and everything is always my fault or my mom is taking her anger out on me. I can't study at home and a lot of the time being home at night especially is stressful. Everyone around me suggests that I move out and it would awesome just not feasible at the moment.

The last straw was my mother telling me she was going to give my dog to a shelter. I am livid. I know she would never give my dog away she just uses that as a threat and if she ever did that I would never speak to her again in my life and of course I would go and take my dog out the shelter. She knows she's like my baby and I love her more than anything.

Also on another note I got home around 9 and they didn't say anything so that's good but my brother isn't going to be home until 11 pm or so. Go figure.

OP, I can't even fathom what this must be like. This is crazy. You are in college, yes? I know at my school there are often posters looking for roommate/house mate. Have you explored this option? I know that living near campus in a house with a few other people would be a much more affordable option than saving up to move out on your own. Yes, it can be trying to live with other people, but surely it must be better than what you have going on currently. I didn't notice if you pay rent or not, but if you do, maybe a shared accommodation won't stretch too much above that.

All the best to you.