I wasn't sure abut starting a new diary for the new year, but old habits die hard.

I am still on the east coast completing my internship. The internship itself is fantastic, but mentally, I feel very beat up. I called into the office sick today because I couldn't muster the will to get up and face the day. I've been having trouble sleeping and have had a lingering headache for the past few days. I've been randomly crying and I don't really know what for.

I think I'm smothering T, as much as you can smother someone from 4000 km away. He had words to me about texting him late at night on school nights. I tend not to think about these things. When I get in a lovely mood, the romance takes over. It hurt a little bit. I guess I am looking for gratification from him which I shouldn't be. Just because i text him every day to tell him I love him and miss him doesn't mean I should expect the same from him. When he does say it, it means a lot.... but he hasn't said it for a while. I am out on my own over here and feel like I am free falling. I really crave that affection and connection.

I am not sure how I managed to morph into such a hot mess in the space of a month, but I am never staying away from home for a month again. It has really drained me. This city is expensive and hard to navigate. I am living in a shoebox without my partner or any of my friends. I am craving routine and I dunno, I just feel so out of whack.

I have two main goals for today:

1. Manage to leave my room to travel one flight of stairs and do my laundry. Shouldn't be too hard, right?

2. Wander up the street later this afternoon and pop into the herbal remedies shop. My shoebox might be a bit happier if I can lift my spirits with some essential oils or something. A little sunshine n my skin wouldn't go astray, either.

I was hoping when I did start a new diary, it would be fully of happy and wonderful. I'm sure I'll get there again once I overcome this funk.

FIRST!

Ps. Are you in Sydney? If you ever feel like a coffee/tea, get at me.

I will have some tracks for you to hear soon. That should cheer you up. *hugs*

Helen

I SO know how you feel right now and I haven't even left town. I feel like I've lost my two biggest supporters and I'm on my own. It sucks. No real words of advice, just commiseration. Hang in there.

Sorry to hear you're not feeling chipper.

Do you have an object you take with you wherever you travel? Since I started shuttling between cities this year I've had to deal with the very frequent packups and re-settling, and re-settling always takes forever. Not good when you have good reasons for re-settling very quickly and travel every half-week. I felt so ungrounded - I'd have dreams where I was in my bedroom in the other city, see it perfectly in my mind, open my eyes, and be somewhere else. Total confusion. Which would frequently carry on through the rest of the day.

What helped was a stuffed toy animal I picked up from a local store. I'm not really a cute object person, but Panda comes with me everywhere I "go" and sits in the passenger seat on long drives. He grounds me by indicating where home is purely by his presence, and assists with feelings of isolation since I'm never really "alone" when he's around. He always has a smile on his face and I pick him up and hug him whenever I feel disorientated.

Highly recommend. Panda's big enough that I usually just leave him on my bed unless I'm commuting between cities, but perhaps you could try something smaller that could fit in your handbag?

Hope you start feeling better soon

^ I bought an adorable little stuffed cat when I started to feel homesick here. I found it incredibly helpful as well, and even though I don't "need" it anymore I do still love having a cat in my life.

It's a shame you weren't further north, or I'd take you out and try to distract you when I get back. Still sending good vibes, though.

Thank you, DDN support network! You're the shiz.

Gee, I'd love to meet you but I am pretty much owned by the event I'm working on from now until I leave. Next time for sure!

Feeling much better, if you can't already tell by the tine of this post. That may or may not have something to do with the fact that there are only 5 more sleeps until I'm on the plane back to the west coast.
Saturday is going to be a marathon day. Its the execution date of the event I've been working on during this internship. Its a 9 am to 3 am day. Its an outdoor event and its probably going to be raining. Life in the arts is so glamorous sometimes.

I'll hit the ground running when I get back to Perth. I land at 9.10 am. I know I'll have to call the RAC to start my car, because its been sitting out in the 40+ heat everyday, with no one to turn over its battery. It happens every time I go away (Yay for owning an old bomb!). Hopefully they won't take more than an hour and a half to show up, because I have to go and inspect a potential new rental property at 11 am, and another at 4.30. The place I'm in at the moment is way too expensive, and my flatmate is a constantly late rent paying dweeb. We need to be out by Feb 12th which leaves me approximatly 2 weeks to find and move into a new place. Tight, but do able.

I want to start saving for a new car and a down payment on my own apartment this year - so I'm downsizing considerably. I'll have to run my business from my living room. I'm not going to be able to make elaborate costumes, but I've slowly predicted this would happen and I'm moving into ready made one off vintage fashions anyway, which is exciting in itself. I'm also moving a little further away into the suburbs. Again, tight, but do-able. That is my new motto for 2012.

T and I are all good. We had a long talk over the phone that went for several hours the other night. He is so good to me, and I need to take it down some notches with the paranoia. I guess I don't do long distance as well as I thought I did.

I am loving the rain in Sydney right now, and the fact it is only 23 degrees. My Perth people tell me its almost mid 40's this week over there. Lordy!

T is a great person for you

Operation tight but do-able (man, that sounds dirty) is in full swing.

I've got a very limited amount of dosh to last me until next Thursday. Thats got to stretch to cover meals and transport for the next 3 days/nights and taxi fair in Perth. I'm dubious as to how I am going to make it stretch, but I have been budgeting within an inch of my life to try and make it work. Looks like it will work... on paper.

I am some kind of sick creature from planet anal-retetnive, because I seem to get off on budgeting. Either that, or I am just getting better at my job when it comes to production management. This can only be a good thing, right? RIGHT!?

My flight leaves at 7.10 am on Monday morning, which means I need to be at the airport by 6. 30 am at the VERY latest. That means I'll have to wake up around 4.30 am and leave by about 5.30. Ordinarily, I'd just jump in a cab and be done with it (my suitcase is 25 kg and my collective carry on is 15 kg. Hooray!) - but this is the year of 'tight but doable' - so awkward bulky trains and bus rides for the win!

Today was my last day in the office and it was great. I had a long chat with my mentor and the team gave me a surprise bottle of champers which made me feel a bit sentimental. Its been a great experience, despite being a total struggle at times. I am glad I did it. Tomorrow is the big event we've been working on for the past month. It is a 9 am to 2 am kind of day. Most of it will be spent out on the hot sun (or the rain, if it decides to go that way) - so it'll be taxing, but hopefully rewarding. Three cheers for working in outdoor events!

I'm back on the West Coast! Ye-ah!

The event I was working on went extremely well, but took it out of me. I was on my feet for 12 consecutive hours. No bull. I got to sit down for a 10 minute lunch break and that was IT. It was crazy humid, too. It annoys me when people tell those who work in the arts to "get a real job". I have symmetrical bloody raw blisters on each of my feet to prove I've got a real job. It was immensely satisfying to see it go up though, and the free booze at the VIP after party didn't taste too shabby after all that, either.

Fast forward to the following Sunday, I woke up worse for wear to a text message telling me that my flight home the next day had been cancelled for no apparent reason. After a long and frustrating phone call to the airline, I was squeezed on a flight home THAT NIGHT so I could get back in time for my appointments on Monday. It was a rush, but I made it to the airport and was upgraded to the front of the plane, which was nice.

My flight home was dramatic to say the least. During the last hour of the flight, an older lady collapsed in the aisle between my seat and this other guys seat. She was shaking uncontrollably and didn't speak any english. We helped her up and sat her in my seat while the flight attendant and I tried to find out what was wrong. She had a blood pressure machine so I sat with her, holding her hand and writing down her blood pressure results. I was pretty sure she was having a diabetic episode, so I mimed injecting myself with insulin and she nodded vigorously. The attendant searched her bag but there wasn't anything in there matching that description.

I sat with her, grasping my hand with a death grip and kissing my forehead to say thank you until we landed and there was paramedics waiting for her. By the time I had collected my bags and gotten to the front of the taxi line to get home, it was 1 am and I was a total zombie.


I spent most of Monday waiting for the RAC to come and jump start my car. The mechanic told me I needed about a zillion things fixed and it'd probably going to cost over $1000, which wasn't really music to my ears. I missed the apartment inspections I was meant to go to because of that.
I met Tim that evening and it was pretty fantastic. So much cuddling and food. He has grown a beard since I left and it just makes him look 10 times hotter than I remember. I love a good indie beard

Yesterday I had a look at two potential apartments. The words 'crack den' don't even come close to covering the first one I saw. It was in one of those old white brick complexes, but the white brick was stained red and orange from the bore water. Each apartment had its own 'terrace', but there was massive rotten gaps between the fences and nearly every terrace looked like a junk yard. Old bikes, broken tables, bags of rubbish. There were babies screaming and people yelling. The carpets were stained, and it was just... bleak.

The second one was better. It was in a complex of over 100 units that just kinda towered up towards the sun. It had been freshly renovated on this inside and was totally livable, but the block was noisy and cramped. It was also in a suburb that is pretty far away from where I study and train. It'd take me 40 minutes to get to uni every day, more in peak hour on the freeway. I decided the money I'd save on rent living there, I'd have to spend on gas every day so it wasn't a great choice for me.

So that is where I am at. I have 12 days to find somewhere and move out, and so far, I haven't found anywhere. I've got another two inspections this afternoon, so fingers crossed. I think I may have to raise my budget a little bit to avoid moving into a total dump and being miserable all year.

You are such a compassionate person, I hope you know that!

Thank you There is no way I wouldn't have helped her though, she practically fell right on top of me and I recently renewed my first aid so I was pretty sure of what was going down.

I'm kind PO, and need some perspective.
So my house hunt isn't going great guns, as I posted earlier. I increased my budget and found a great place. Brand new, within my price range, so close to Uni and in a great neighborhood. Its also leased by my old agent who loved me, so I'm pretty much guaranteed it if I want it.

It also happens to be pretty much across the road from T's place.

I didn't plan that at all, it just happened. I text him telling him that the agent was offering me a place in his street and gave him the address, and asked him how he felt about it. He said it would be too weird.
I suppose I get that. HOWEVER, He knows I have less than a fortnight to find a place and he also knows how stressed I was after all the place I've been to were dumps. He knows its leased by my agent and knows that it would be the end to my search... if he was okay with it.

We were planning on getting a place together in another 6 months if everything worked out fine, so in a way I don't get it, and I'm annoyed that he is essentially saying I cant live in the street because he lived there first. I'm not sure what he thinks will change? That i'll be on his doorstep every night or something?

Talk about rock and a hard place. I might just be wound up abut it because it happened today and I'm stressed about finding somewhere. Perspective?

I would tell him what you told us....that you are on a time crunch here. You can ask him to elaborate on why he thinks it is too weird. If I were in his shoes, I would probably wonder if it meant that you would want to hang out all the time since it is just a stroll down the block. I'd be worried that it might encroach on "me-time" and fall into one of those "might as well be living together" situations, ya know? But I am sure you are not going to do that and I would reassure him of that, "Just because I live across the street doesn't mean that I have to come over every night. This just happens to be the right apartment at the right time."

My honest opinion? He's being selfish. This isn't about how your presence on his street might inconvenience him. This is about how you need a place to live, and you've found one that's perfect for you, and you need to be able to live there without him giving you grief about it. I also think it's a bit of a red flag that he's feeling this way when you are supposed to move in together in six months. It's like he wants to hang on to his freedom as long as he possibly can before he moves in with you, and that's not good. You don't want your partner to feel like they're giving up their freedom to move in with you. And this combined with his having "words" with you about your texting makes it seem like he only wants you in his life when it's convenient for him, which is a double red flag. Do NOT move in with this guy unless you're sure he actually enjoys having you around most of the time.

I just realized this probably seems completely out of nowhere, since I never comment on your diary. I do read it pretty regularly, but I rarely comment on people's relationship issues because I'm well aware that there's always more going on behind the scenes than what an outsider can perceive. But I just thought I'd chime in with my two cents, since you asked.

If it's the right place at the right time, there isn't much to be done. I would make a point of reassuring him that you won't be on his doorstep every night. I also don't feel like this is entirely aboveboard on his part, but as Jonelle said, I don't like to judge based solely on what you post here.

Thanks for the perspective, ladies.

I'm not going to live there, and we're not going to do the whole moving in 6 months thing anymore. We had a big argument about it on the phone last night. He feels pressured. No surprises there. That's fair enough, but a little open and honest communication about it in the first place would have been nice, and saved a lot of drama. When I rang him yesterday he was mid panic attack about the whole thing. We sorted it and discussed a whole bunch of stuff.

Love him to bits , and am not giving up on him, but it's pretty evident I just need to focus on getting myself sorted and leave him out of it. He doesn't handle my organised chaos very well. I feel like I spend half the time at the moment consoling him that I will be okay.

There's plenty of wonderful stuff I don't write about in here cause this is the only place I can vent about the not so wonderful stuff. We had/have a great relationship, bit my being away has thrown into some temporary chaos. Once I'm back into my regular routine ; back in silks 4 nights a week, back at uni and have a steady home - hopefully these kinks will sort out.

Saw two more places today. One was a cesspit. The other was kind of liveable, but I've got three more tomorrow before I decide.

^I totally relate. Boy is pretty bad with communicating things up front. He doesn't like to rock the boat, so he'll just stay silent until it turns into a huge problem. That definitely doesn't make for a drama free relationship. It usually goes something like:
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want to upset you."
"Not telling me upset me more!"

^ Yes! That is pretty much how it went down, in a round about fashion. I'm a big talker and I'll talk about these things till the cows come home to make sure I'm understood, so its really frustrating when others don't. He asked me over for tacos tonight, and I am hoping we're going to be drama free from now on.

However, I have some great news that makes me think the place across from his wasn't meant to be. I inspected a one bedroom flat in the same suburb as my pole/silks studio this morning, and it was perfect. Within my price range and totally livable. It even had a resident cat. I'm in the middle of finishing my application I type and then I'm going to pop it into the office in the next hour. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I went back to pole last night, too. It was killer, but so good to be back in the studio and see all my friends again. I'm slowly settling back into my routine back on the west coast, thank goodness.

Yay for finding a great living space! Yay for going back to pole!

I'm tenterhooks waiting to hear back about the application I made on Friday. She said they'd let me know either today or tomorrow. Knowing my luck, it'll be tomorrow.

I'd like to know today, because there is a lot weighing on me getting or not getting this place. If I get it, all I need to do is book a removals van and I'm sorted.

If I don't get it, I need to keep finding places to inspect. It also means I probably wont find a place in time, and thus means finding a place to store my furniture while I continue to look, and finding a place to crash as well. That is obviously the worst case scenario.

Meanwhile, the situation with T was starting to look better, and then it crashed again. We spent all weekend together and it was perfect and normal. We did a swap meet yesterday, which meant getting up at 4 am which meant we were both kind of grumpy by the end of the day. Last night he was moody, and I was moody, and it was just...... weird. I decided not to stay the night, but chose to drive home late at night and bawled the whole way because I am really not sure what is going on with us. Again, not a high point.

I rang my mum this morning hoping for a little bit of a pep talk or a sympathetic ear and she chewed me out over the same things T has been. Berating me for leaving it so late to find a place, telling me I needed to get my car to a mechanic or it'll blow up in my face.

I'm not sure how I meant to go to open houses every day like I have been, non stop, since that day I landed a week ago, in order to find a place to live without a car to do so? Or how I am meant to move houses without it? This week is not the right week to be without my car. Also, I'm an adult. I'll be paying for all of this, and my time is my own, so a little more trust in my ability to prioritize and run my own life wouldn't go astray.

Yes, I left it a little late to find a place - but if I had stayed in Perth all summer just because I had to move at the end of it, I would have missed out on my internship with the largest arts company in Australia. That was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I said yes because I knew I could swing it, and I still can. I just wish everyone in my life besides me would stop freaking out like the sky is falling.

Maybe I'm just too chill about these things, but honestly, would they rather I revert to old habits, become so overwhelmed with anxiety and depression that I render myself useless? No thanks. I''ll take chill any day. If sleeping on a mates couch for a few days or having to buy an extra bottle of radiator coolant to get me through the week is the worst thing that going to happen, why the big attack?

Every 23 year old, heck, most 30-somethings I know have these problems. The rental market is competitive. Cars break down. Its all part of life. It happens to be happening at the same time for me, but that doest make me any less capable to cope and get it sorted.

:( I sorry DS You do have the right attitude though. Its part of life. We cant control our automobiles breaking down. My advice, if you want it, is to do things in steps. Thats what is working for me now. I am sorry I am no help to you. I did think of you today when I watched a movie- with Shannen Dortherty in it- hahah

Po

haha Po loved the bit about Shannen Doherty.

I've booked my car in for repairs Thursday week, and scanned the internet for open houses today but there aren't any. I just went and picked up some boxes from the local hardware store, so I'm going to pack all day, and call the agent about the place about 2 pm. Hoping they'll give me some indication as to whether I am in or out of the running.

If I'm out of the running, then I've got 4 open houses ready to go tomorrow.

Its all I can to just to wait. I've got the removals company on speed dial. I've got a temporary storage place for my furniture if I need it. Come at me, universe!

:D I got the place. I will not be homeless. Fist pump extreme!

Heey congratulations

Whoo! Yay for having somewhere to live