Sometimes I get overly upset about silly situations and this could be one, but I feel insulted by the fact that my spouse thinks I go on and on about things when I talk.

We've been together over 3 years and have lived together for 2, we are not married yet but I consider him more than a boyfriend, so I felt I should say *spouse* to indicate he is more significant and that we are very close. I am a person who even though I was very shy as a child I have grown to be outgoing and talkative, and I love to sit and chat with people, and I have also always loved writing and acting. So its just in my personality to talk. And honestly, I don't live close to any family anymore or any of my friends from school, so my partner is basically the one person who I do talk to everyday.

I had kind of a stressful day at work yesterday and when I got home I asked him if he wanted to hear about my day and he said sure. He was doing something on the computer for this webpage he is working on for my business at the same time as well and so I didn't even ask for his complete full attention, I just wanted to vent about a few incidents at work. I talked for maybe 10 minutes and he did say a few things too. Then I went and had a smoke and something to eat, he was still on the computer, and a little while later I asked him something about the webpage as it related to a course I'm taking, and I told him a couple things about my assignments and what I had learned as he mentioned the day before he was really interested in my class as well. Our webpage is almost ready to go he said all we need is a computer for it, and I asked him if that same computer could hold our media files and then he says "What's with the 21 questions?" and I was like "What do you mean?" and he then claimed I was *pestering* him about the webpage and that he had listened to me talk for 45 minutes and had basically had enough. That's the moment where I basically lost it and got so unbelievably upset at him, which he did not understand and thought I started throwing a fit about nothing.

But really, this is not the first time he has mentioned this, and I have asked him before like, am I that horrible to talk to, or he says I talk so much there is no time for him to cut in, but ok then am I that horrible to listen to? And often even if I am going on and venting I want his opinion later, so its a two-sided CONVERSATION. I know he will sit and talk with other people like his Dad for hours, which is part of the reason I feel so insulted by this, like I must be sooo uninteresting a person or he just really does not care at all about my day and what I have to say.

So then when I was so upset he told me that he does care and want to hear about my day but he says "Why can't you give me the 15 minute version not the 45 minute?" but like I said above it was NOT 45 minutes, because I know I had only been home for a short time, told him about a couple of the incidents and then went for my smoke. And I kept telling him this that no I did not even talk for very long at all, and finally he goes "Well I'm sorry then" and that was it. I still didn't feel any better nor do I now. I feel like I'm always excited to go home and see him and tell him about my day or what is new, and now all that is gone. And why don't I just try to keep the conversations shorter like he asked, well, I feel like if I'm going to tell him something in the first place it must be because I feel it is important, and he says I go on and on and give too many details, but if I am telling him a detail it must be because I think it is important as well. So, now I am supposed to sit there and figure out what details HE thinks are important before I tell him a story? I don't think so. And because of that I feel I'd rather not talk to him at all, about my day or anything really. After I said to him last night "Fine I'll just never talk to you again" I felt stupid and immature, but honestly, if he doesn't like listening to me talk or hearing about my day I won't do it, and if he wants to know something he can ask.

Like, I'm just not sure how to react to this or what to do. I feel like I can't even be myself around him now if I can't talk about stuff and express myself like I do.

Basically just needed to vent, I don't even care if anyone reads this or responds, its just somewhere I can write at least and let it all out without having someone tell me I talk to much. I mean someone may look at this post and think that, but if they do they don't have to read it.

Random thoughts:

In all honesty, I think you went on too long in this post. So I kind of see your bf's point if this is how you normally express yourself.

But it doesn't mean you have to censure yourself or think only about what he wants to hear. That is being overly dramatic to come to that conclusion.

What bf should have said was that he would love to sit down and talk with you but he would really like to focus on the website project so how about after dinner or something.

You should have considered what he was doing, even though he said yes he would talk to you. This doesn't have to be a big gigantic problem, just the both of you need to be a little more sensitive to each other.

Get some friends! Regardless of whether you actually do go on too long when you talk, you need more outlets than just your bf. Get on facebook at talk to your friends that way if no on is close.

I sort of had the same problem with my husband. A lot of it comes down to the different ways men and women communicate. Have you guys considered couples therapy? I know the idea can be scary to people, but it can be a great way to help communication. It's nice to have a third person that's kind of a mediator, and I think it helps each person better articulate what they need, and what the other needs to work on. In our case, my husband was getting mad because I'd vent about work and friends and stuff, and he'd either tell me to change things or stop being negative or whatever. He didn't understand that I just needed a way to release things so I DIDN'T blow up at friends aor work, and therapy made him get that he just needed to listen. Hopefully some of that helps. And as tempting as it may be to give him the silent treatment and stew silently to prove a point, moat guys wont really get that. I would encourage an honest, non-accusatory conversation where you both sit down and try to figure out what the other needs. Again, its a lot easier to do with a therapist helping, imo. Good luck.

I've had a similar problem with my boyfriend too. I was also extremely shy and still am so I feel like I have a lot to talk about. My issue is my family that I live with is rude and literally doesn't pay any attention to a thing I say for example I told my mom a story for about 10 minutes and realized she wasn't paying attention and then I asked her what I was talking about and she had no idea. So a lot of what I'm telling my BF is vents about school, work, or my family. He takes my vents as problems and complaints that I need solutions for which isn't the case.

I would try to talk to him when he isn't preoccupied and see if that helps. It is annoying when you are focusing on a task and someone is talking to you.I really think it's difference of how men and women communicate. I would never get a negative reaction from a friend when I'm talking too much. I would try and make an effort to contact some of your girlfriends or make some new ones and try and see them once a week. Especially if you are wanting to vent about work a lot you could meet up with a co-worker to vent with. My friend K and I would hang out after work and vent about everything and it really helped me so I wasn't bringing as much stress home.

I think the "Chatty Cathy" thing is something that is just a part of some people. I tend to be quite talkative and so does my granddaughter. Some of my sons, on the other hand, have taken the monosyllable to new levels. I don't know where you fall on this line. Your "spouse" may be one of those people who can't listen and do anything else as the same time and he may have been focused on his computer work. On the other hand, perhaps you are a bit like me and chatter away, almost uncomfortable with silence.

I do find that if I force myself to consolidate my thoughts before speaking I manage to cut to the chase faster. I've learned that when speaking to my husband I usually have a three minute window of opportunity to say what I have to before I lose him. Sometimes I think, "If this was a television commercial, what would you say in the time allotted?

All that aside, I too would be hurt by the way he discounted your need to "unload". If you can't talk to the most important person in your life about the silly details of your day, who can you talk to?

Hang in there. Just may be another Mars / Venus thing that will never change but will require understanding from both of you.

Hugs
xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

I think that it is a very female thing to tell stories with a lot of description and detail and that can be very overwhelming for most guys to hear. I might want to say, "There was this girl in my class who was sitting behind me and I was having a bad day and so she said that she like my shoes and me made me really happy!" but what I might choose to say to my boyfriend, "I was having a bad day and I met a girl who cheered me up!". My boyfriend can get really lost in the details of some of my longer stories.

He wasn't very tactful when trying to explain his feelings to you which explains why you are feeling hurt. How long had your boyfriend been at home when you started chatting to him? I try to give T a few minutes to himself when he gets home because I know he wants to wind down with nobody talking at/to him. He seems more receptive to listen when he's relaxed and not busy on the computer, etc.

This is why I give my husband an out. Unless I literally know that our interaction is going to be as simple as "I have a question...", "I have an answer...", "Ok, I'll see you later...", I ALWAYS start conversations with him with "Hey, are you busy, or do you have a second for me?" That way, if he really isn't in a head space where he can hear what I'm saying, then he knows he can say no, without coming across like a schmuck.

And when you're trying to do something detailed, like writing a web page, and someone's in your ear with non-stop talking, talking, talking, it SUCKS. Because you can't pay adequate attention to either one. Sure, you're hearing the words, and you're writing the code, but your mind isn't really on either thing, it's just on making all the chaos stop. :/

And since, you know, nothing's ever been solved by taking your ball and going home, how about a little knowing your audience, huh? He's obviously not into every minute detail of your entire day (sure, you might have been on the phone fighting with Suzi while you ran into Starbucks, but the relevant part is the fight with Suzi. Stick to that.), so stick to the story, and don't get sidetracked.

Thanks for the replies. I do feel better now, and him and I talked when we got home from work today and a few good things were discussed.

He said it wasn't really the fact that he was doing the webpage thing at the time that was the problem but sometimes the problem is he feels like I'm talking "at him", and he also pointed out that he IS interested but that maybe when telling him about something I could just stick to a couple things that are really important, as he said he can usually figure out all the other little details in between, or they are insignificant ones he doesn't want to hear. I was still a little upset because I told him, as someone else posted, he is the most important person in my life so he is the one I'm gonna wanna give all the details too! But that being said, I don't need to sit and talk to him about makeup or girl things...which I usually don't though with the exception of showing him new clothing.

Also, I told him that I totally get why he sometimes feels like I talk "at him" but I think it is because he is very forgetful and lazy and I'm always the one who has to be like "Hey dude don't forget to pay the power bill today" and so sometimes thats just gonna happen. And that issue has come up before too, but for awhile now I have been working on trying not to nag him or giving very polite nice reminders and things have improved.

Phew. I think my lesson of the week is, relationships are not always easy, and that they do take a lot of effort and understanding from both sides. But I think the conversation we had ended on a great note, and I told him I will try to keep things more concise when I tell a story, but that sometimes I do need to just vent and talk freely without thinking or caring, which is the thing you can only do with the people closest to you, and he said he understands and will put in more of an effort to be there and listen.

Talking "at" him is not the same as nagging. Venting can be just as much "talking at him" as anything when you are not really needing a response.

It's ok to share your feelings with your spouse, but you can overdo it. Try talking things out to yourself on your commute home. Then you have gotten some of the negativity out without dragging him down too and when he asks you about your day, you can respond more concisely.

Oh man, my boyfriend says I talk a lot/too much all the time. He says he likes it but I still get hurt when he says I talk too much. I also have a lot of friends who say I talk a lot. I guess I do sometimes. I'm a shy person (very outgoing when I get to know a person and become good friends) and I don't get to talk to people all day so when I do all of a sudden I just want to talk so I do tend to talk a lot. I know I do but it really hurts when people say I talk too much.

So really my post is just saying I understand how you feel. Some people are just very talkative (if you hang around with a lot of my close friends you'll see they're all very talkative and very loud as well lol).

Is it possible that maybe you need some time to unwind and relax when you get home, BEFORE you launch into storytelling mode? I'm just asking because I used to have a stressful job that really sucked (not saying you do, but you did mention having a stressful day at work), and then on top of that I had a stressful commute home. So when I walked in the door, of course I was just itching to vent and let it all out in excruciating detail. And yeah, some of my "this is how my day went" stories went on for way, way, WAY too long. I found that things improved if I took a half hour or so to unwind when I got home, just watching TV or reading or cooking dinner or whatever, and THEN my husband and I could chat, when I wasn't feeling quite so ranty.

My husband, on the other hand, usually gives me the one-sentence summary of whatever he's talking about, and that gets a bit old too, because I'm like, "Wait, what? Slow down and tell me exactly what happened leading up to this." Communication is just challenging sometimes, period. It's taken us years to sort out a lot of the misunderstandings we used to have, and we're still not always on the same page. You (meaning both of you) just have to keep working at it, and hopefully it'll get easier over time.

Girl talk, boy talk. Two different styles. I learnt this the long way

There are exceptions, but a lot typical guys are solution-driven. However, when girls are feeling emotional and stressy, we're not up to the solution bit yet. We need to vent, and seek validation, and a big part of this is being able to rant and babble incoherently on and on and on whilst said other person nods head and murmurs supportively in our direction (so yeah, talking "at" someone rather than with them). Girls are not the only ones able to do this, but generally speaking, we're a lot better at it because we understand the difference between "expressing emotion" and "ok I'm calm now and I'd like some feedback on how to fix this mess".

In my experience, guys try to jump straight to the fixing, and we are all like NO NO NO I'M STILL EXPRESSING HOW I FEEL HERE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN GET TO THE POINT?!?!.To make matters worse, we're usually still off our rockers emotionally at this point too and unable to say "I need to get all this stuff off my chest before I'm calm enough to discuss solutions with you, are you able to just listen to me for a while?", so the guy ends up being pissed off that we're not taking, and barely listening to, his (good) advice. We get hurt because we feel he's not being supportive and doesn't understand.

My solution to this is usually to speak to a female friend before even approaching a guy friend, or venting elsewise before approaching guy friend. If you're able to relax first, as suggested above, that's a great idea - but if you're not, try to get the "storytelling bit" over before you speak to your man. In a tight spot, I've written long emails to myself or had long speeches in my car when I really needed to get something off my chest but couldn't contact anyone appropriate to share it with.

I've been on both sides of this situation. A lot of what you're saying AND a lot of what your boyfriend is saying sound familiar to me. I can be an extremely talkative person and my sister is the same way. There's times when my talking gets overwhelming for my boyfriend, especially when I get excited or upset and start talking really fast. He says he can barely get a word in edge-wise and it's like I'm just talking "at him" (like your boyfriend said). Usually he cuts in and says something like "Breathe!" and I try to slow down and give him time to respond. Sometimes it hurts my feelings that he's not as excited about whatever it is as I am, but I do get where he's coming from and I try to be understanding about our communication styles being different.

I've also been on the other side of this with my sister. She talks just as much as I do, maybe a little more, and there's plenty of times when I find myself saying "Give me the shorter version" or "Get to the point." I'm interested in what she has to say, but sometimes I have something I need to do and don't have time to listen to the whole thing, or there's just a lot of extraneous details and tangents and it makes it hard to keep paying attention and stay interested in the story. I know that I often do the same exact thing as her, so these interactions are sort of like looking into a mirror. When my boyfriend tells me to slow down, I try to remember how it feels to be on the receiving end and that reminds me that what he's saying is valid.