I haven't been updating a lot, and there's reasons for that.

I didn't feel the old diary fit anymore, so here's a new one, with a new theme.

Cover photo made by me; sources here and here.

~~~

I've recently been taken up with the Pirahã tribe, who live in the Amazon in Brazil. If you want a crash course in Pirahã, the Wikipedia is here and I recommend this article. The following are excerpts from Daniel Everett's book Don't Sleep, There Are Snakes.

As a brief summary, I first got interested in the Pirahã (pronounced pee-da-HAN) because they are extremely unusual. They have no words for colors. They have no words for numbers, and adults cannot be taught how to count. They tried for 8 months, but couldn't get anyone to learn even 1+1=2. They have no religion, no creation myths, and no fiction at all. They have no collective memory past who is currently alive (or, say, remembering something their grandfather told them, but they don't know any history past that). They don't make any long-lasting artifacts - baskets are woven from wet leaves and discarded when they fall apart. They don't store food - they catch what they need to eat that day, and don't store anything for later - even though they know how; they will salt meat to preserve it if they know a trader is coming. Most importantly for linguists, their language has no regression.

Dan Everett originally went among the tribe as a missionary and a linguist - his organization did not proselytize, but sought to learn the language and translate the New Testament for the tribe. Due to his experience with the tribe, Dan eventually became an atheist, and has spent around 30 years working with the Pirahã. He sums all this up in what he refers to as the immediacy of experience principle:

Declarative Pirahã utterances contain only assertions related directly to the moment of speech, either experienced by the speaker or witnessed by someone alive during the lifetime of the speaker.

"In other words," writes Everett, "the Pirahãs only make statements that are anchored tot he moment when they are speaking rather than to any other point in time." This also explains the lack of creation myths and fiction: if there is no living eyewitness to something, the Pirahã won't talk about it. They don't care. They demand proof. This is also why there are no colors or numerology - these are abstract concepts and generalizations, and there is a sort of cultural taboo against them.

"The Pirahãs highly value direct experience and observation. In the sense of this concept, the Pirahãs are like people from Missouri, the 'show me' state." Hah, I never knew what that meant, actually. "However, the Pirahãs not only would agree that 'seeing is believing,' but that 'believing is seeing.' If you want to tell the Pirahãs something, they are going to want to know how you came by your knowledge. And especially they will want to know if you have direct evidence for your assertion." (213)

Reading this literally took my breath away. I am now in a DBT program. In other words - this is a tribe that practices the mindfulness skill of DBT to the hilt. This is the most Zen, the most mindful people the world has ever seen.

This is the DBT tribe of the Amazon.

~~~

Confidence

Pirahãs laugh about everything. They laugh at their own misfortune: when someone’s hut blows over in a rainstorm, the occupants laugh more loudly than anyone. They laugh when they catch a lot of fish. They laugh when they catch no fish. They laugh when they’re full and they laugh when they’re hungry. When they’re sober, they are never demanding or rude. Since my first night among them I have been impressed with their patience, their happiness, and their kindness. This pervasive happiness is hard to explain, though I believe that the Pirahãs are so confident and secure in their ability to handle anything that their environment throws at them that they can enjoy whatever comes their way. This is not at all because their lives are easy, but because they are good at what they do.

pg. 85



Their faith was in themselves

Religious books like the Bible and the Koran glorified this kind of faith in the nonobjective and counterintuitive – life after death, virgin birth, angels, miracles, and so on. The Pirahãs’ values of immediacy of experience and demand for evidence made all of this seem deeply dubious. Their own beliefs were not in the fantastic and miraculous but in spirits that were in fact creatures of their environment, creatures that did normal kinds of things (whether or not I thought they were real). There was no sense of sin among the Pirahãs, no need to “fix” mankind or even themselves. There was acceptance for things the way they are, by and large. No fear of death. Their faith was in themselves.

pgs. 270-271



The Pragmatic Concept of Utility

From the time we are born we try to simplify the world around us. For it is too complicated for us to navigate; there are too many sounds, too many sights, too many stimuli for us to take even a single step unless we can decide what to pay attention to and what to ignore. In specific intellectual domains we call our attempts at simplification “hypotheses” and “theories.” Scientists invest their careers and energies in certain attempts at simplification. They request money from fundraising organizations to travel or to build some new environment in which to test their simplifying scheme.

But this type of “elegance theorizing” (getting results that are “pretty” rather than particularly useful) began to satisfy me less and less. People who contribute to such programs usually see themselves as working toward a closer relationship to truth. But as the American pragmatist philosopher and psychologist William James reminded us, we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously. We are no more nor less than evolved primates. It is rather ridiculous to think that the universe is a virgin saving herself for us. We are all too often the three blind men describing an elephant; or the man who looks on the wrong side of the road for his keys, simply because the light is better there.

The Pirahãs are firmly committed to the pragmatic concept of utility. They don’t believe in a heaven above us, or a hell below us, or that any abstract cause is worth dying for. They give us an opportunity to consider what a life without absolutes, like righteousness or holiness and sin, could be like. And the vision is appealing.

Is it possible to live a life without the crutches of religion and truth? The Pirahãs do so live. They share some of our concerns, of course, since many of our concerns derive from our biology, independent of our culture (our cultures attribute meanings to otherwise ineffable, but no less real, concerns). But they live most of their lives outside these concerns because they have independently discovered the usefulness of living one day at a time. The Pirahãs simply make the immediate their focus of concentration, and thereby, at a single stroke, they eliminate huge sources of worry, fear, and despair that plague so many of us in Western societies.

They have no craving for truth as a transcendental reality. Indeed, the concept has no place in their values. Truth to the Pirahãs is catching a fish, rowing a canoe, laughing with your children, loving your brother, dying of malaria. Does this make them more primitive? Many anthropologists have suggested so, which is why they are so concerned about finding out the Pirahãs’ notions about God, the world, and creation.

But there is an interesting alternative way to think about things. Perhaps it is the presence of these concerns that makes a culture more primitive, and their absence that renders a culture more sophisticated. If that is true, the Pirahãs are a very sophisticated people. Does this sound far-fetched? Let’s ask ourselves if it is more sophisticated to look at the universe with worry, concern, and a belief that we can understand it all, or to enjoy life as it comes, recognizing the likely futility of looking for truth or God?

The Pirahãs have built their culture around what is useful to their survival. They don’t worry about what they don’t know, nor do they think they can or do know it all. Likewise, they do not crave the products of others’ knowledge or solutions. Their views, not so much as I summarize them dryly here, but as they are lived out in the Pirahãs’ daily lives, have been extremely helpful to me and persuasive as I have looked at my own life and the beliefs that I held, many of them without warrant. Much of what I am today, including my nontheistic view of the world, I owe at least in part to the Pirahãs.

pgs. 272-273



The Happiest People in the World

The Pirahãs show no evidence of depression, chronic fatigue, extreme anxiety,, panic attacks, or other psychological ailments common in many industrialized societies. But this psychological well-being is not due, as some might think, to a lack of pressure. It is ethnocentric to suppose that only industrialized societies can produce psychological pressure, or that psychological difficulties are found only in such societies.

True, the Pirahãs don’t have to worry about paying their bills on time or which college to select for their children. But they do have life-threatening physical ailments (such as malaria, infection, viruses, and so on). And they have love lives. And they need to provide food every day for their families. They have high infant mortality. The regularly face dangerous reptiles, mammals, bugs, and other creatures. They live with threats of violence from outsiders who frequently invade their land. When I am there, with a much easier life than they Pirahãs themselves have, I still find that there is plenty for me to get worked up about. The thing is, I do get worked up, but they do not.

I have never heard a Pirahã say that he or she is worried. In fact, so far as I can tell, the Pirahãs have no word for worry in their language. One group of visitors to the Pirahãs, psychologists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Brain and Cognitive Science Department, commented that the Pirahãs appeared to be the happiest people they had ever seen. I asked them how they could test such a statement. They replied that one way might be to measure the time that the average Pirahã spends smiling and laughing and then to compare this with the number of minutes members of other societies, such as Americans, spend smiling and laughing. They suggested that the Pirahãs would win hands down. In the more than twenty Amazonian groups I have studied over the past thirty years, only the Pirahãs manifest this unusual happiness. Many others, if not all, that I have studied are often sullen and withdrawn, torn between the desire to maintain their cultural autonomy and to acquire the goods of the outside world. The Pirahãs have no such conflicts.

My own impression, built up over my entire experience with the Pirahãs, is that my colleague from MIT was correct. The Pirahãs are an unusually happy and contented people.

pgs. 278-279


~~~

New goal: I want my career persona to be Lisbeth Salander, and I want to live life like a Pirahã.

So, I was having the best day ever!

I was so proud of myself!

Then I got rear-ended coming home from school. Hard.

Now my bumper is falling off my car and a good foot of it is pinned up against the undercarriage. I'm not sure if there is any damage to the undercarriage or not.

Now I'm just tired.

Poem from Writing group today:
[First Draft, needs editing]

I am easily hurt and easy amused
I wonder about you
I hear sounds in the nighttime
See clouds at the right time
I want to stop being seduced.

I pretend that I'm sedated
In reality, satiated
I feel a rush
When danger, I touch
Don't worry, the pain becomes faded.

I cry, and my tears swell
I am a bottomless well
Say you understand
Say I'm in command
It's a lie I know well.

I am a thief in the night
I steal dreams and take flight
I smash them on rocks
Spin forward the clocks
and laugh as I scream and I fight.

I strive for all moderation
I hope for a changed situation
But I cannot deduce
why my muse holds the noose

Still, I laugh
for I'm easily hurt
and easy amused.




{I stole a rhyme from Rhianna. I'm not proud.}


Apparently, I'm inspiring?

Fascinating read about the Piraha. I love learning about unusual cultures. Although I laughed out loud about the comparison to Missouri.

what it takes to come alive


I’ve actually been doing very well. Life is beginning to come together and settle into a pattern. Everyone in my life – friends (both at program and outside of it), the psychiatrist, and even my parents! – has noticed a difference.

Living a mindful life is hard and takes a lot of concentration and dedication. For the first week or so I focused on just my thoughts – trying to tap into what I call “DBT brain.” The center of DBT is the practice of “mindfulness.” DBTSelfHelp.com explains, “Mindfulness has to do with the quality of awareness that we bring to what we are doing and experiencing, to being in the here and now. It has to do with learning to focus on being in the present, to focusing our attention on what we are doing and what is happening in the present. We have to learn to control our attention. Many of us are distracted by images, thoughts and feelings of the past, perhaps dissociating, worrying about the future, negative moods and anxieties about the present. It's hard to put these things away and concentrate on the task at hand.”

Here is what my binder says about the skill of doing things “One-Mindfully”:

-DO ONE THING AT A TIME. When you are eating, eat. When you are walking, walk. When you are bathing, bathe. When you are working, work (etc)… Do each thing with all of your attention.

-If other actions, thoughts, or strong feelings distract you, LET GO OF DISTRACTIONS and go back to what you are doing – again, and again, and again.

-CONCENTRATE YOUR MIND. If you find that you are doing two things at once, stop and go back to one thing at a time.

This is taken from one of the most helpful handouts I have received here. This isn’t a DBT skill specifically, but it has been tremendously helpful.

Language and Time Travel

Language can transport us to the past and the future. Most of our immediate experiences are not full of pain. The pain or anxiety comes when we think back to past experiences or project onto future events, neither of which is currently here. For example, at this very moment, your life is probably not in danger, you are reasonable comfortable, you’re not being subjected to embarrassment or humiliation or having a fight with your spouse. Yet, with a snap of your fingers, language can take you to all these past and future experiences, simply by their mere mention.

{The worksheet then asks you to list some current worries or fears, and note whether “the potential problem, issue, or concern is happening right now (meaning this very moment, here, not ten minutes ago or ten minutes from now), in the past, or in the future.}

-It’s not uncommon to find that very few thoughts, feelings, or concerns that are generating distress for you actually pertain to this very moment. The distress is usually about past or future events.

-And often, what we do to ourselves in the present moment, such as not sleeping…. Or other types of avoidance in response to concerns about the past or future are not particularly effective in terms of life goals. And these problematic strategies can’t even control the event. They are just ways of trying to get rid of or avoid our internal experience about the event.

-Now, mobilizing ourselves and doing something about a dreaded future event at this moment, would be helpful, but notice that doing something about it is different from worrying about it or avoiding it.

After I left program in the afternoon, I would practice this skill of “being in the moment.” If any thoughts drifted in that weren’t pertaining to the here and now, I would ask myself, “Is there anything I can do about it?” If not, I would shove the thought away and go back to being mindful. Starting on the drive home – which I would typically do on “autopilot,” arriving home with no memory of the drive and how I’d gotten there – I would do this, feeling the steering wheel, taking in the scenery, rocking out to the radio – and I would continue to bring myself back throughout the evening.

Focusing on the present keeps you feeling happy and staying grounded, so from there, it’s an easy leap to move on to accomplishing productive tasks. On Tuesday, January 24th, I returned to Rider campus for the first time since early December to meet with my disability advisor. After the meeting, I printed out my last draft of my thesis, sat down in the commuter lounge, and went to work. It was the first time I’d done anything remotely academic in at least a month. I felt fantastic! The long break served as a reminder of everything I love about school, political science, and the learning process.

The past two Thursdays, I had yoga at DBT. It’s not modified at all – it’s a real, legit yoga class. It’s been hard for me to get back to a “real class,” but I’m working on it. On Saturday I got out my Wii Fit and did an hour of exercise at home on my own!

I’ve also realized I have a problem with the computer and the internet. This is the most embarrassing thing to admit. I don’t know if it should be called an “internet addiction,” though that’s what my therapist wrote down on my intake papers – but it’s something I’ve been working on very seriously. I can lose hours, days, huge chunks of time, online. Thing is, if I don’t have access to the internet, I don’t miss it. I don’t go through any kind of withdrawal. In fact, I kind of enjoy it. When I was inpatient I didn’t miss having a computer at all.

I do, however, find the first step of AA – “We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable” – helpful. I don’t have control when it comes to the internet. (This sort of ‘getting stuck’ is a combination of several things – probably hypoglycemia, ‘hyperfocus’ from ADD, and utilizing distraction and escapism as coping mechanisms. It can turn up in other ways, such as reading a book or compulsively cleaning, but this is the most common.) Thus I have to go cold turkey. Again, I don’t miss the computer when I go without and on days that I’ve been successful with this I’ve been more productive, so it works well.

In today’s society (and as a student) it’s very difficult to do this, and I can’t avoid the internet entirely. It’s impractical. Here are the concessions I’m making:

1. Write all school assignments/journal entries by hand. No compositions should be written on the computer. (Including this one!)


2. Typing up handwritten assignments will only be done on public computers. (Being self-conscious of someone else seeing my screen helps keep me focused.)


3. Except for the rare occasion of looking something up – my computer stays OFF!

Other changes I’ve made:

1. Before bed I go over my DBT Diary Card and my day and reflect on the skills I’ve used and where I could have used my skills better.


2. Setting low, achievable daily goals.


3. Being productive/showering/working out/eating right feels GOOD! Living this way gives its own positive reinforcements.

Most important thing: letting go of my own (self-)judgments about DBT. Seeing the girls in group - who are my age, in similar situations - bending over their homework, tucking strands of highlighted hair back in their messy buns as they explain which skills they used reassures me that it's okay for me to do the same thing. The last time I was in DBT, I couldn't completely let go of thoughts of "oh, this is just hippie BS" and so on. This time, I haven't even let those comments enter my consciousness. This is my life, DBT is The Way, and the skills are my 10 Commandments. It’s like a Biblical rebirth.

You know how Christians say God is their life, He permeates their every being, they think about Him constantly? That’s how DBT is for me. Not that I think it’s a miracle pill, or the only thing that works; nothing like that. (That wouldn’t be dialectical!) But that metaphor, that mental image, helps me picture who I want to be and how I want to live my life.

Love,
The New Heart

Dude, that sounds like an amazing program. I have a very bad habit of either overthinking the past or obsessing over the future. I'm very rarely in the moment. It sounds like something that would really benefit my recovery as well. My therapist has tried CBT with me, but I admit I've been super lazy with implementing it in my daily life. It might be hippie BS, but it looks like effective hippie BS!

Although living in the moment to the extent practiced by the Pirahã tribe precludes the development of any type of advanced civilization or technology, that certainly isn't the problem most of us have in the 21st century US. That's why I loved skiing so much back when I could afford it. It was great for relieving stress. When skiing you absolutely have to live in the moment and be totally aware of the hillside, your body and what you are doing. You can think ahead to the next turn but that's about it. Lose your concentration and you'll go head over teakettle into a snowdrift. It's a very self-correcting exercise.

^Not sure if exposing us to cool wall stickers or.....vag hands....

*eyes DDN logo, looks away, and whistles*

The Past Month in Pictures

The view from the top of the Empire State Building at sunset:



The back of my car currently:


Oh, and this happened:
(spoiler for size)
Spoiler: Show

say I don't want to be in love, I don't want to be in love

Transcribed from handwritten journal:

Spoiler: Show




This is a DBT homework I shared that everyone thanked me for. In DBT, you get a homework at the end of every group. So I thought I’d share this, since people liked hearing about it, and also as an example of what a homework looks like:

Spoiler: Show


Several girls thanked me for sharing, either in group or came up to me afterwards. They also said that they would have given in and texted or contacted the guys in question, and that I did a good job. I didn’t think I had, so that was cool.


Here’s another snippet from the pen & paper journal:

Spoiler: Show


I got blood tests done on Friday, 2/10. They showed “slightly elevated testosterone levels.” My dermatologist ordered this test, so I’m going to wait to hear back from her. The GP recommended seeing an endocrinologist. (Yes, I know, I know… I’ve heard the jokes already…)

GTT stands for Glucose Tolerance Test. It’s an overnight fasting test, and they take your blood once at the beginning. Then you chug a glucose-filled beverage in 5 minutes. An hour later, they draw your blood again; then again an hour after that, and then again an hour after that. Your blood sugar should spike, but if you’re hypoglycemic, there will be a sharp drop afterwards. (Yes, I spent my day being a human pincushion!!)

The GTT showed that I have low blood sugar. I TOLD YOU SO! I. TOLD. YOU. SO. Have I not been saying since high school that I’m hypoglycemic?!?! TOLD YOU SO.

Ahem. My blood sugar was low in the third hour (it was a 3-hour test); the fasting level was… I don’t know where my notes went; 78, I think? Which was normal. Hour 2 was 81, and hour 3 was 46. I definitely felt it, too – I felt better after the glucose drink (which was orange-flavored and not that terrible), but by hour 3 I was shaky, dizzy, woozy, tired, and so on.

The doctor said that I have to eat several small meals throughout the day, instead of 3 main meals. I am to have something to eat with me at all times, in case I get caught without anything. I’ve got a few referrals to nutritionists that I’m going to follow up on. I guess I knew all this already, but it was really nice to FINALLY have the actual medical confirmation.


I’ve got a busy day ahead of me, so I should go. Just wanted to check in since I’ve been such a slacker with this!

♥
H

I like it like that, yeah! One more time, I can never get enough

According to my psychiatrist the blood sugar & testosterone could be (and probably are) causing much of what's been attributed to my depression. The blood sugar, of course, I figured; the hormone flux I didn't realize could be so far-reaching. "That could cause mood swings," the doctor said, "Aggression, getting angry." Yeah, I think that fits the bill. Of course, it depends on my mood... there you go.

ST wasn't at group today, but AZ was; we've known each other for so long, it's like one big family, laughing and talking. I feel so comofortable there. But ST leaves next week, and AZ on Friday!! Ahhh. L, who I didn't know as well, already left. I switched my third day to Friday so I can be there for AZ's stone ceremony. I was going to go out with ST today, but she wasn't there today and hasn't responded to my texts. hope she's okay. I told AZ (whose graduation present is a tattoo - how cool! I wish I could get my folks to realize how important it is...) we must go out this weekend & make those "I've got skills" t-shirts we've been planning. She told me L has a Rocky Horror show on Friday (?!?!) - yes, like, that she's in - and everyone's invited. Of course, I said yes. Hopefully ST will come too, and SB was out on smoke break, hopefully she'll come as well. They're such cool girls, I can't wait to see them I was feeling crappy about some stuff this weekend, and just walking into the building on Monday I bumped into ST smoking outside. I told her everything and she just nodded. "We all have those," she said, ashing onto the sidewalk, and told me a similar situation she had been in. I love being with people who have been through the same stuff. It's so validating. I hope she's okay, I think I'm going to ask AZ if she's heard from her...

Haven't straightened out the insurance business yet but that's okay.

My anxiety has been really high this week so I'm putting off schoolwork for now. Things with Fred are back to equilibrium. Am talking to Rachel again, haven't heard from her in a while, it's tough on this phone though, I freaking hate Swype. I lust after an iPhone but lacking that I might switch back to Blackberry, dying platform though it is, just for the physical keyboard. It's not like I use any of the fancy apps, anyway.

Boring entry today, bite me. I need to eat, now, AGAIN. Ugh. I'm working on the Sims story but I think I'm just gonna watch a TV show now. I guess Dad had night class today, I wanted to DEAR MAN him but I guess that will just have to wait until tomorrow. I'll have to ask Mom for money to get granola bars or whatever to keep in my purse. Z, the law school boy, thinks applying for SSDI is my best bet, too. He'd know! (He's also certified in psych work and used to work part-time at an inpatient facility.) He even looked up and told me who to call. What a sweetheart.

Everything's good, I just wish I didn't feel so stressed. I know it's just pressure that I am putting on myself and I just need to relax and turn my brain off. Easier said than done, of course.

After fixing up my car, first order of business is nutritionist and endocrinologist. Goodness, if I've just found this out and it's causing me so much trouble, who knows what else is going on?

Freaking hate doctors.


Oh, everybody! Sing it right back, I like it like that!

xoxo H

Happy half-birthday to me

Woot! That means mine is in 3 days! Why are we so old?

It’s astounding, time is fleeting…

As of yesterday, 50 days out of the hospital.

Yesterday: rolled out of bed and to DBT. That lets out at 12:30, and afterwards I had my appointment to get the estimate for my car at 3pm in the same town as Rider. I had packed myself a sandwich and an apple that morning, so I ate those and drove to Rider. I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before, so I allowed myself an hour-long nap in Rider's parking lot. At 1:45, I rose and went to the computer lab and worked on my thesis for an hour. It's so close to completion, I can taste it, and it in equal parts exhilates and terrifies me. I'm pretty much just getting in the last edits and citations.

At 2:45 I punched in C. Collision Center on my GPS, which turned out to be only 5 minutes away, and rolled out to this huge autobody campus. There were 4 huge buildings, for Cadillac, Buick, GMC. I was told that the Progressive estimate people were located "in the back, you'll see a Progressive truck," so that involved me circling each building (with my gas light on, naturally) until I found them at the Cadillac center in the very back, of course.

The lady – blonde hair tied up messily, in a dark blue Progressive sport jacket - was very nice and said it should take about 30 minutes, so I handed her the keys to my Honda and went in to the customer waiting room, which had these uncomfortable chairs that looked modern and cool but had the seat backs set wayy back, so you had to slouch with your body in an S curve if you wanted to get any part of your spine supported.

I tried to get some of my Peter Signer reading done for Philosophy, but it wasn't happening and anyway, there were 3 other black guys there all watching Judge Judy. It was vastly more entertaining; after that episode Dr. Oz came on, and I switched it to People's Court.

The blonde lady finished up and called me back out to review the damage. I was in my PAD fraternity shirt and looking every inch the "I'm clueless, my parents are handling this."

The damage was extensive, as expected. The guy who hit me only had the minimum $5000 plan, “which makes him technically underinsured.” (I thought that was illegal?) She cited the damage to my car’s butt at $3700, and noted that “I can only estimate what I can see and take pictures of,” so it’s probably going to be higher if there’s additional damage that you can’t see unless you take parts of the car off. In addition to that and a rental car and whatever else, “that will put you close to or over the $5000,” so we should take this through our insurance plan.

“You have collision, don’t you?”
Blank stare.
“Well, probably.”
“Probably,” I agreed.

She took me out to my car and showed me some of what was going on. In addition to the entire back bumper needing replacement, the trunk is completely crumpled and needs to be replaced.

Spoiler: Show


I’m shocked that the thing is even drivable, but the gas tank wasn’t damaged.

The damage goes a good 2-3 feet back into my car. You can see that the spare tire parts might be screwed up too, “if that’s the case, that’s another $100 right there.” She showed me the underneath of my car, where some sealant connecting some part to some other part is completely cracked. There’s a damn hole in my car!!

I had brought the bumper in the trunk. Dad had somehow compacted it in there, but we weren’t sure how to get it back in. I remembered that my back seats fold down, and we awkwardly maneuvered my bumper back into my car. Now it blocks a section of my rear window, too. Fantastic. I’m a jumbled-up mess.

L.’s show was at 8:00 in Highland Park, which is about an hour away way the hump up in screw-it-it’s-basically-New-York Northern Jersey. Incidentally, the theater was directly across the street from my old therapist.

I got home around 5, interneted, had a bite of Dad’s pasta with red sauce, moped and didn’t feel like going until Amanda texted me.

“Still coming?”
“Don’t really feel like it.”
“ Why?”
“Just depressed.”
“Maybe getting out will help. Opposite to emotion action!!”

True facts. I pulled myself out and tossed on dark jeans, a hot pink bra, a black lace shirt (hey, it’s Rocky Horror, you have to give a nod to the sluttiness), a black shrug and my black high heels. I put on bright blue eyeshadow, curled my lashes and did the mascara thing and hopped in the car (after a stop at Wawa for gas and the Blood Sugar Remedy: honey roasted cashews, Hershey’s with Almonds, and a bag of pretzels).

This was not the Rocky Horror Double Feature, but the play… which I didn’t even know existed. It was a small, crappy production, but you know what – it’s Rocky Horror, so who cares? They handed out bags with the souvenirs that you can throw and stuff, which I hadn’t gotten to do yet at a Rocky Horror (theaters don’t like it when you fill them with confetti and rice, who knew?). There was a live band too, which was fun. They sounded great.

I had texted A. on the way: “Going to be late.”
“Me too.”
“Good!”

I arrived JUST in time for the Time Warp, which was fantastic because that’s my favorite song. How can you not love it? A. arrived after me, with a red V on her forehead.

“What does it mean?” she asked me.
“Virgin!”
“That’s what I thought. I was like, ‘Oh great, now it’s LITERALLY stamped on my forehead.’”

Columbia was a great dancer and both she and Janet were hot, so I really enjoyed myself. I had to like, remind myself not to ogle. Rocky was a FANTASTIC actor, as were Janet, Columbia, and to a lesser extent Magenta (who, granted, is more reserved than the others) and Riff Raff, though his wig was hot and messy and he kept fussing with it. I enjoyed myself… how can you not? Rocky Horror is such a bizarre clusterbang.

L. and I aren’t as close as she and A. are, so it was a bit awkward after the fact. I met her mom and aunt, who were there as well. L. asked what we were doing afterward, but both A. and I lived an hour away and at this point I was exhausted, so we just headed home. There were only like a few other people in the audience and L. said the other actors told her that the real crowd comes for the midnight showing tonight – the cult following and everything. I might go, we’ll see what happens.

I headed home, had a bowl of cereal and went straight to bed. It was 12am. Sleep cycle restored!

I got up around an hour or so ago and after I empty the dishwasher I’m headed to the county library to finish my thesis maybe yes please? We’ll see what happens.

xo H.

but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insa-a-aaane

It's done!



Handed in and out of my hair!!


It hasn't fully sunk in yet. I'm prouder than I've ever been of anything I've done before, but I put too many checks on myself to fully appreciate that.

But I did it.

Woot! Congrats! I dread the small possibility of having to write a thesis one day. Now... WHEN YOU GONNA GET A DIPLOMA?!

Hey, congratulations on finishing your thesis and getting such good feedback I'm pretty jealous right now as I'm about half of the way through my University final year project, it feels like it will never be done!

SaraTheGrouch wrote:

WHEN YOU GONNA GET A DIPLOMA?!

NOT SOON ENOUGH >.<

They're discharging me from program next Friday. SCARY!

rough day and nobody gets it

I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories, good and bad that's passed
Didn't even take the time to realize

Starin' at the cracks in the walls
'cause I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
'cause it's takin' over my head all over again

Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to try

I'm lookin' for a way to become
The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Oh, nothin' is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem

Do you even know who you are?
I'm still tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No

Sorry girl, tell a tale for me
'cause I'm wondering how you really feel

I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you
'cause I'm just tryin' to make all my dreams come true

Do you even know who you are?
Oh, yeah, yeah
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Oh, I wanted to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not, oh I guess not

Do you even know who you are?
Oh, I'm tryin' to find
A rising dream or a superstar?
Oh, I have a all these dreams
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No, no

Believe

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated


I am
vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right,
I swear I'm right
swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself





"Those who want to live, let them fight, and those who do not want to fight in this world of eternal struggle do not deserve to live."
-Adolf Hitler

(Unlike many Hitler quotes, this is legit. It's in Mein Kampf.)



If it wasn't already clear, this is probably going to remain an infrequently updated vague repository for random tidbits I, for whatever reason, don't feel like depositing anywhere else.

However, take this with a grain of salt, because you never know when I'm going to pop out of the woodwork with an entry that's a three-page-long masterpiece.

x.Currently Reading: On Hitler's Mountain: overcoming the legacy of a Nazi childhood, by Irmgard A. Hunt

x.Songofthemoment: Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

x.Playing: Spore, EA/Maxis

x.Praying: Ganesh, Remover of Obstacles

x.Location: couch next to snoring dog

x.Feeling: Good, like I've never, ever, ever had before, no, no.




>> Rosabelle, Answer. Tell. Pray, answer. Look. Tell. Answer, Answer. Tell. <<

you know I like it well done, 'cause I do it well

For You Nutrition Nutters:

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but I’m hypoglycemic. It’s the opposite of being diabetic; I have low blood sugar. What actually happens is my body basically processes sugar too fast. I’ll eat a meal, and my blood sugar drops suddenly – the average is around 3-4 hours, but it can be as little as 1-2 hours. The lowest your blood sugar is supposed to go is 70 and mine was measured at 46.

Because I’m already susceptible to mood changes, this has a larger-than-usual impact on my life. I’m not used to paying attention to what or when I eat, and the symptoms of low blood sugar – having a headache, feeling tired, lethargic, woozy, having trouble thinking – just worsen any sort of depression that’s going on.

I finally met with a nutritionist yesterday. I have to look for complex sugar and carb-dense foods. I have to look for foods with a low glycemic index and avoid high glycemic index foods. Any kind of juice is a no, and sugared beverage is a no (thank god, that makes Diet Pepsi okay). White bread or grain of any sort is a no, as are simple sugars in candy and stuff.

This is the meal plan we came up with.

~~~~

Breakfast
- cereal with nuts and milk (try Almond Milk)
- toast with peanut butter
- toast with cheese
- fruit

mid-morning snack
- cheese stick
- nuts and/or seeds
- hummus & pita or carrots or crackers
- cheese & crackers
- salsa and chips
- apples & peanut butter

Lunch
- peanut butter sandwich
- tuna fish sandwich

afternoon snack
- same as snacks above

Dinner
- chicken parm (with pasta as a side)
- black bean quesadilla
- meatball sub
- vegetable

Always keep a snack handy
- nuts
- nuts and dried fruit
- cheerios
- nutrient bar

~~~~

I also went out and got a glucometer. Of course, I have no idea how to use it and have to figure it out on my own. I’m kind of scared of it. My parents basically ignored its existence. Mom yelled at me because the nutritionist was out-of-network. I hadn’t known she was, and even if that’s the case, I’ve gone to out-of-network therapists before. We just have to pay a deductible. I couldn’t possibly have gone to a better nutritionist because this lady is actually an individual therapist at the DBT center, and teaches nutrition groups there, and already knows me! She knows my history from what I shared in those groups and she’s familiar with DBT skills. Basically a perfect match. And the fee was only like $150, honestly, not at all back-breaking. That’s no stretch at all for us to pay and for the help she gave me, well worth the money.

So you know, continued intense support there.

I missed the appointment with my psychiatrist today but that’s fine. The new therapy place finally called back, it seems they accidentally closed my file – good job.

I have some more errands to do today – returning library books, talking to the Dean’s office at Rider about filing for graduation, and applying to a local store. Then I have to drive out to PA to pick up my laptop from where I left at a friend’s house accidentally. Socially things are going pretty well. I also hope to get to an exercise class tonight.

So yeah. That's about it for now.

that just happened

[3/21/2012 11:57:11 PM] Me: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite!
[3/21/2012 11:57:19 PM] Boy: that was awful
[3/21/2012 11:57:26 PM] Me:
[3/21/2012 11:57:32 PM] Boy: you should rather end with something kinky/slutty
[3/21/2012 11:57:39 PM] Boy: I'd respond far better to that
[3/21/2012 11:57:47 PM] Me: Good night
[3/21/2012 11:57:50 PM] Me: me tight
[3/21/2012 11:57:53 PM] Me: hit all the spots just right?
[3/21/2012 11:57:58 PM] Boy: hahaha
[3/21/2012 11:58:03 PM] Boy: that sounds much better
[3/21/2012 11:58:12 PM] Me: i'm shakespeare
[3/21/2012 11:58:15 PM] Me: seriously
[3/21/2012 11:58:18 PM] Boy: damn, that actually gave me a boner

YOU'RE WELCOME
GOOD NIGHT