So, around mid/late December, I started a friends with benefits relationship with my best guy friend. We had sex, oral sex, hand job, all that. He doesn't appear to have any signs of an STD on the outside, but I know that does not mean he doesn't have one.

This past week, I've noticed itching/swelling down there. I didn't pay much attention to it, until I took a look in the shower and noticed 2 open sores that were painful and started bleeding when I touched them. I did some research and my sores look a lot like herpes sores. I also had some of the other symptoms they listed.

Back in early January, I had a physical and I got tested for HIV, Hepatitis B and C, chlymidia, and gonnorhea. They all came back negative.

My friend has had 2 girls he's been with. The first one wouldn't be at all a surprise if he picked up something from her, she's slept around a lot. The second girl was supposedly a virgin, and as far as I know the furthest they went was kissing.

I know the last time he slept with the first girl was early/mid 2010. Which makes me wonder, if it's herpes, why he hasn't shown any symptoms at all? I know that can happen, but it seems like he would know by now.

The last time I did anything sexual with anyone (before my friend) was September 2010. It was a random hookup with a guy I met at a party. I don't think I got anything from him providing how long it's been since then and all the testing I got done a few weeks ago.

I've NEVER in my life had any type of sores down there. and the timing of all this (getting sores like a month after we started hooking up) seems consistent with what I've read about herpes.

I know I should go to the doctor. And I will. I'm kinda scared though. In the meantime, I wanted to get a few answers on here. Is it possible for a guy to have herpes and not show symptoms for a long period of time? and if I find out that's what this is, how the heck do I go about telling him? He's the kind of guy who's really straightforward. Meaning, he probably wouldn't believe he really had it since he wasn't showing anything.

Yes, it's very possible. Do a Google search along the lines of "herpes without symptoms" and you will find all sorts of information about this, and about how it's possible to transmit the virus and still be asymptomatic. Here is just one such article: goaskalice.columbia.edu . . .

But first things first. Go to the doctor and get yourself checked out, because there are many other things it could be. Try not to stress about how you're going to tell your friend about it until after you know for sure what the problem is.

And whatever the outcome is, remember to always use protection! Not saying you weren't; just throwing out a friendly reminder.

I second the doctor.
After the visit you will know for sure if is herpes and maybe even what kind, how long you had it.

It will effect your relationship when you talk to him about this. I think I would be angry that he didn't got tested. So don't talk to him before you now for sure. But after getting to know that it really is herpes you need to talk to him, because he will need treatment, too.

^ She can't really be angry, because there isn't a blood test for herpes. I.e. you can only get tested once you start showing symptoms, not just during a regular STI screening. It is absolutely possible that he could have picked up the virus and never shown symptoms, so he would never have known he had it.

Get to a doctor right away and write down all your questions before you go, in case you get nervous and forget something.

The most accurate testing is when they culture a lesion. If you have sores, have them tested NOW! Many clinics will see you right away in a case like this.

Good luck

Keep On Dancing*

Definitely go to the doctor sooner rather than later so s/he can see the sores. If you find out that you do have herpes (which you may not!), you can ask the doctor for advice on telling him and probably give you some pamphlets and such, especially if you explain that he was asymptomatic and may not believe that he could still spread the virus.


I really wish STI's didn't have such a stigma. They are just viruses and bacteria like every other thing we can pick up...it's just that the common modes of transmission are something that are taboo for dinner conversation.

Bridgetbee wrote:

^ She can't really be angry, because there isn't a blood test for herpes. I.e. you can only get tested once you start showing symptoms, not just during a regular STI screening. It is absolutely possible that he could have picked up the virus and never shown symptoms, so he would never have known he had it.

This is actually untrue. Sure, the easiest way for a diagnosis to be made it to swab a sore. However, you can definitely get tested for the antibodies using blood tests. Note that this doesn't say conclusively that you have it, but that you've been exposed to the virus. However, depending on levels of antibodies, different doctors are fairly comfortable saying you have it even if you are asymptomatic.

Antibody tests can tell the difference between the two types of HSV. It's important to know which type you have. If you're infected with type 2 (HSV-2), you may have outbreaks more often than would if you had type 1 (HSV-1). What's more, knowing which type you have gives a clue as to how you were infected. HSV-1 usually infects the genitals through oral sex, and HSV-2 usually is passed on during vaginal or anal sex.

A blood test can detect HSV antibodies even when you have no symptoms of genital herpes. A false-negative result from a blood test is possible if you have been infected recently. It takes several weeks for HSV antibodies to show up in the blood.

False-positive test results are possible, too. If you test positive, but your risk for getting the virus is low, you may need to be tested again.

These tests are of limited use because they only show that you have been exposed to the virus at some point. It is difficult to tell from these tests when the exposure may have occurred. You may have had HSV for many years before you have your first noticeable outbreak.

Source: www.webmd.com . . .


It's important to note that antibody tests are not routinely given in STD exams, because of the expense involved and the fact that herpes is rarely serious (besides social stigma.) Make sure to ask your doctor about getting one directly (if you are interested in testing and don't have a sore) and make sure that it is one of the newer and more reliable IgG tests instead of the old IgM tests.

Sure, the easiest way for a diagnosis to be made it to swab a sore. However, you can definitely get tested for the antibodies using blood tests. Note that this doesn't say conclusively that you have it, but that you've been exposed to the virus.

Yeah, but very few doctors - I can think of none - would be gung hoe to waste money on a herpes test when the person is 100% asymptomatic and always has been 100% asymptomatic. Tack on the fact that an antibody test doesn't even tell you if you're contagious at the time, and I can't think of one good reason why a doctor would EVER do the test on an asymptomatic individual. My hospital certainly wouldn't be able to back up that test when we submitted it for reimbursement! You can't blame the guy if he's never had symptoms.

...okay, back to the topic of the thread.

1) Confirm you have herpes
2) Call the guy up and explain what happened. Encourage him to get tested if he shows symptoms. It doesn't have to be a "YOU gave ME herpes" talk, you can say, "I've developed symptoms of herpes, you're the only person I've been with in the last year sexually, so I think you should probably get checked out, too."

Embarassing? Absolutely. Uncomfortable to talk about? Definitely. But it's the "right thing to do," as my grandmother used to tell me.