Just wondering if anyone has done it?

I never thought it would be the type of thing I'd be interested in doing but something about it intrigues me. The only negatives I can think of are:

- family members might feel like they got left out of seeing the vows, etc.
- not getting to have the traditional wedding experience

I can think of ways around a lot of that though. I'd be more then happy to have a big party for close friends and family after the wedding to celebrate. I think the idea of separating the two events would be great because a lot of the pressure and nerves of having to perform that day would be off. Then there is the savings in money you have by leaving out a lot of the traditional "wedding" things. I just really like the idea of being married quickly and having none of the stress of planning and waiting, etc.

This is somewhat hypothetical as we aren't engaged yet but was just looking to open a dialogue here. Thoughts?

I'm planning an elopement with my fiance. There are some amazing elopement packages offered at some gorgeous vineyards and beach towns here. A week of massages and find dining, hanging out on the beach and drinking wine...sounds WAY better than a stressful wedding. Many of the packages give you a little six person ceremony and dinner on the night you wed, as well as a little cake, photos and champagne. That is what we are doing. So just our immediate family will have a fancy dinner with us and a little ceremony.

We are going to have a 35-50 person party for extended friends and family afterwards. We're having it at a historic building in these gorgeous forested hills. The cost for the party, decorations, catering and venue is looking at about $6000, the elopement package is $2500. If the party was for a wedding, they almost double the cost! So, I feel like the path we are taking is a little more 'us' and less stressful and expensive.

I actually did a happy medium- I told my immediate family a week in advance that the wedding date was X and if they wanted to show up go ahead. I wore a casual-ish dress, it was a small and sweet ceremony, and then we took off after taking some quick non-professional snapshots. It gave me what I wanted (I wanted to elope so I didn't have to deal with the fuss that big weddings provide), but also gave our families the opportunity to share the "big" day with us.

We planned on doing a big party/reception about a month later, but things never came together and I was too over-the-moon with being a newlywed that I just let it slip.

Honestly, a part of me really wishes I had done the big wedding thing. It's a lot of work, but looking back I wish I had done it a little more traditionally (still kept it small and simple, but had a professional photog and a real wedding dress).

I also told only a few family members a week before the wedding. We were planning a big wedding, but we quickly decided we didn't want to wait and got married 2 weeks later. Our ceremony cost us $30- and that was only for the necklace I wore that day. We got married at our church so that was free, someone did our flowers for free, my mom's friend did our cake for free, and his cousin is a photographer so she took our pictures. It was amazing. We didn't want a huge wedding from the start; we were only going to do it to please family members.

I don't regret a small wedding at all. We had roughly 30 people there, just close friends and family members. It was perfect.

And just so I don't hijack completely, we DID consider elopement very briefly. However we decided not to go that route because it would REALLY irritate family members (except for my mom, she was fine either way) and his aunt was letting me borrow her gorgeous wedding dress and I wanted to wear it.

For me there is a big cost factor but I am also really into intimate, mello, gatherings. My sisters wedding was a big to-do. $80,000 and lots of people. But I felt uncomfortable with all the people I didn't know (some didn't even know my sister) and they went way over budget. She now tells me she had a wonderful wedding but she regrets that it was so impersonal and that they had so many people there. Some guy even brought his 'other' who happened to be some 50 year old trashy lady who tried to steal something out of somebodys purse. Ick.

I can get the party, wear the dress, eat the cake, all that. I just don't want to do it with my fiances distant cousin and her current boyfriend or that one alcoholic uncle and some kids I went to school with years go. I just want my close family and friends there so I can be myself (clarifications, a total dork) without feeling socially overwhelmed. I just know if we had a big formal wedding, my fiances parents would feel insulted if we didn't invite all these people we could care less about. Better to keep it small, personal and fun.

I regret not eloping!

LOL...

Honestly the whole big wedding thing is not all it's cracked up to be.

We had a small wedding. Basically, if we hadn't talked to you in the year prior, you were off the guest list. Then we narrowed it down from there. By the time we included my family, and Jim's immediate family (meaning, no farther back than step-siblings, and even a couple of those got left out...), we were at 50 people. Add in a handful of friends, and we were in.

We had the whole gig for a bit under $3,000. That included renting a church, me getting a dress, and lunch for 60 of our closest friends, hah...

My sister on the other hand, had such an enormous wedding, that her now mother in law published their invitation in the paper. No facts blurred out. Kid you not. Her now husband eventually wants to be mayor of the town, so having a giant wedding was a big status symbol. Whatevs. Not for me, thanks,

Of course, for me, the wedding was almost an afterthought - Jim and I had been together for ten years, and we have a kindergartner. It was a little less "Isn't love grand?" and a little more "OMG, finally!" LOL!

Your wedding can be anything you want it to be! I'm one of those people who thinks that there is NOTHING stupider than shelling out thousands upon thousands for a wedding. Thankfully you don't have to

I've always known I'll have a non-elopement wedding, because my parents didn't get one (they got married at the courthouse) and even though they're blissfully happy 25 years later, they do regret not having a real wedding.

Have a small, intimate ceremony and then a big reception afterwards if you're both worried about the stress of the day and not experiencing things with your family. My cousin got married last year and it was a whopping $5,000 for everything (dress, tux, food, photographer, church deposit, venue for reception, rings, alcohol, DJ). They got married in a small chapel, maybe 40 guests (mostly family), then had a really big, fun reception. It was as stress free as a wedding can be and everyone is glad they chose that over eloping.

I remebered a quote I should have put in my last post:

It's more important to have a marriage than a wedding!

I honestly can't remember where I heard that. I don't know if my mom told it to me or if I found it on the internet...wish I remembered. You'll end up married either way of course, but it's just a quote that stuck with me through the super quick wedding planning!

Wow, five grand is expensive for a wedding where you live?! Never move to Britain. The average is 22k I believe.

Louise wrote:

Wow, five grand is expensive for a wedding where you live?! Never move to Britain. The average is 22k I believe.

I was being sarcastic because the average wedding here is almost $27,000

^ When I started planning my wedding I was looking for a wedding venue with a typical wedding in mind. Some of the places around here cost $10,000 just to host there- so that's not including food, music, decorations and all that. AND you have to use caterers off their 'list' and usually those caterers are costly and can't/won't do specialty things that I need, like gluten-free. It's such a hassle!

We looked at a tiny little outdoor garden where the lady asked me my budget then laughed in my face. They wanted $7000 for three hours, no catering, only tables and tablecloths provided. Who would really spend $7000 for three hours in a garden the size of a quarter football field? I feel that is so impractical but people do it! That is insane to me!

I think if things were easier and involved less paperwork and rules (who you can hire for services, where people can walk, what type of decorations you can have...) I would have a little wedding instead of an elopement. I would LOVE a little barn/farmhouse wedding on an orchard with lights strung up and all that cuteness. Or a woodland wedding somewhere forested and green. The biggest issues for me are 1.cost, and 2.Music. My man and I are both musicians and so are all of our friends. We REALLY want an area where people can just hop up, play music and not have to worry about 'Only one authorized person/band can use the PA system from 6-9pm blablabla' those rules ruin it for me. We want an open jam session going on because that is how we met. It's frustrating that weddings have become such a business and people want every penny you have just to have a celebration. :/

During the planning I begged my fiance to elope a few times. But we talked ourselves out of it on account of our families.

In hindsight it doesn't matter too much, but I still kinda wish we had and he feels the same way. The wedding became such a show for our parents, it wasn't even really about what we wanted, it was huge, full of people we didn't know on a personal level - friends of our parents, people they went to church with...

I didn't even pick out my own dress, my mom picked it. I had to fight tooth and nail to not have the ceremony at my parents' church to which neither I nor my husband have affiliation with.

I'm sure our parents would have been hurt had we eloped but they would have gotten over it eventually.

My mom actually told me she was okay with me eloping. No nevermind the fact I'm nowhere close to getting married.

My friend and her husband eloped. Of course, he was a Marine and they thought he was going to be deployed. He ended up not having to go, but they decided to get married anyway. About a year and a half later they had the traditional ceremony.

One of my son's eloped. Was I hurt? Yup. Did I get over it? Yup. Were his siblings insulted? Yup. Did they get over it? Yes and no. They don't hold it against him or his wife, but they don't feel compelled to include them in their own wedding plans. Life most things related to marriage, it is very complicated.

They made their decision based on many factors, they have beautiful pictures and memories and don't have one single off moment or dramatic family event to regret. For them, it was the best decision. I do wish we had been included, but I would rather have them happy and content with their decisions than stressed, or resentful. In the end, it is only a day. A marriage is for a life time.

Another one of my children is planning a wedding for the fall. A part of me really, really, wishes they too would elope! (Too complicated to go into....)

Keep On Dancing*

There was a lot of family drama with my sister's wedding, and my mom was very involved with the planning process, which ended up causing a lot of conflict between her and my sister, so after my sister's wedding, she kept telling me to just elope! But we did things completely differently than my sister did. We only invited people we genuinely cared about, didn't have any pushy family members in the wedding party, and I only involved my mom in things she actually wanted to be involved in. And both our families were WONDERFUL about encouraging us to do things the way we wanted to do them. As a result, we had a remarkably drama-free wedding, and it was truly a joyful day for my husband and me and our families and close friends. No way on earth would I have wanted to elope and miss out on all that. When I came down the aisle and saw everyone I loved most in the world standing there smiling at me, I got so emotional. It was just a beautiful moment for me.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I think that if you can keep your wits about you and keep the drama to a minimum, having the people closest to you and your partner there to witness your vows is very special. But if it's just going to turn into a huge hassle to the point that the planning or the wedding itself becomes stressful, it's probably not worth it. Because it's not going to be a beautiful moment when you see all those people at your wedding if you secretly want to throttle half of them.

I had a medium wedding. The ceremony was at the church and that was open to everyone if they wanted to attend. If they had received a formal invitation, then they were also invited to the reception afterwards (catered). So while the wedding itself was big, the reception was smaller. My friend did the exact opposite. She married in a teeny tiny wedding chapel so only family and super close friends attended the ceremony, but she had the reception in a barn thing, so they had a huge party afterwards for everyone to come to. I also know someone who went ahead and eloped and they're currently planning their wedding a year later for friends and family.

Thank you for all the great stories and pieces of advice everyone!

I don't acticipate that there would be very much if any drama at all at our future wedding. The only thing that may be awkward is the fact that my Mom and Dad don't speak. The last time they had to do anything together was my high school graduation 6 years ago and we had to sit and eat dinner together and it was slightly awkward. But, that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own pettiness so I wouldn't let that upset me. I'll make sure they get to see eachother lots during rehearsals and engagement parties, etc.

I definetly am leaning towards just doing a "traditional" wedding with family and friends involved. We sort of have an idea of what we want to do anyway and it's more of a low key affair.

Thanks again everyone!

Now...just that ring we're waiting for...haha.

Jim's mom and dad do their level headed best to tolerate each other. Despite her insistance to the contrary, Jim's mom still has ALOT of anger over their divorce, and it really clouds her ability to be able to have any sort of friendship with the guy.

Other than her requesting that we not require HER to dance with Jim's dad (and just so I'm clear - asking the bitterly divorced parents of the groom to dance together is a tradition in WHAT country again?! Because it's not one I've ever heard of...), there was nothing to it. They even sat at the same table at the reception! Voluntarily even, because we just set out place cards and let everyone pick out where they wanted to sit.

Husband asked me once if I'd consider eloping. I gave him a look that said, "Never ever mention this again."

Reason being, my mum would have killed me.

Helen

My boss did it 3 weeks after my own wedding! She didn't tell anyone - not even the people she had come as her witnesses. Her an her now husband had been discussing marriage for a while and because her family didn't really know her husband or his family and her dad was pushing for a religious wedding overseas, they decided eloping was the better option. They set a date about 6 months before they eloped and planned it all out so no one would suspect anything and discussed how they would tell their families. On the day, they invited her husband's sister and husband out to "lunch" near the courthouse and brought them into the courthouse to witness their marriage instead! The only thing she was worried about was that her witnesses would pick up that something was up because she got quite dressed up compared to her normal attire. She wore a simple black dress, nice shoes and makeup (she usually runs around in jeans and a soccer jersey and dressed up for her at work is black slacks and a plain shirt/jumper). My boss never regretted her decision for a minute. After they eloped and had a celebratory lunch with their witnesses, they rang her husband's parents to let them know then went over to her parents to tell them. Her father was furious and didn't speak to her for a couple of months after, and tried to demand that they go overseas within the next few months to have a "proper wedding", but he eventually came around and is happy for his daughter now.

It was perfect for my boss. She doesn't like being the centre of attention, and it was really the only way to get the wedding that she wanted without her family trying to dictate how it should happen. She was also ecstatic because she received her official marriage certificate the same day, plus a free commemorative one that would normally cost about $70 if she'd had a normal wedding. She also loved the fact she got to change her name right away - even before I did! I was still waiting for my official certificate a month later

Personally, I loved having a wedding and would never elope. That being said both hubby and I had supportive parents who weren't too pushy and we had our day exactly the way we wanted it. We really enjoyed the planning process together and I think I would have missed that if we had eloped the way my boss did - though there's no reason why you can't elope and still have a photographer, flowers, cake etc. either. I loved sharing our special day with those close to us and I think I would have missed that the most if we'd eloped.

oz_helen wrote:

Husband asked me once if I'd consider eloping. I gave him a look that said, "Never ever mention this again."

Reason being, my mum would have killed me.

Helen

Around the seven year mark for Jim and I, my mom actually asked me if we'd ever thought about it!

The main reason we didn't was Jim - he couldn't stand the idea that his mom wouldn't get a chance to be there. :/

My mom initally asked me what island we were going to to get married... LOL... I desperately wanted to go away and get married and skip the whole big thing.

I enjoyed my wedding day but hated the planning and if I had a do over I would have done things totally differently.

I can't say that I was overly thrilled about certain components of the day, but sometimes we do things to keep the peace.

So not anywhere near this, but I've thought about it, after the stress of my sister's.

Then when my cousin died and we realised that it's only the big events like weddings and funerals that people make the effort to go to... I might have changed my mind.

I don't want the expense, but I want the massive party with all my family and friends there. I don't want the dress, I do want the photographer, I don't want the table settings, or the wedding favours, or the chair covers, I do want the dancing, and the craic.

I'm not sure what's going to happen, but we'll just have to wait and see! The "we" being me and I don't really know who else!

I'm one of those people who thinks that there is NOTHING stupider than shelling out thousands upon thousands for a wedding. Thankfully you don't have to

Spending what a car costs on something that takes 8 (?) hours is insane. If you spend that, don't complain you can't afford to buy a house, new car, etc.

My husband and I wish we would have eloped. I wanted to, but he wanted his family to be there. A month before we got married, he told me he wished he would've listened to me and eloped with me. I didn't even want my "family" at our wedding. We invited them to be nice.

Skip the drama and elope, seriously. We wish we would have.

If you don't elope, it's YOU AND YOUR FIANCE'S wedding, not anyone else's. Don't bend to other people to make them happy. We both told our respective families to pound sand more than once. It was our wedding, it was done our way. We were happy and that's all that mattered. You won't please everyone, so don't try.