It's taken me ages to actually post this, because I haven't been able to accurately describe what the problem is, so apologies if this doesn't make much sense. Kudos to anyone who reads this all the way through, because I'm pretty sure it's going to be an essay.

I feel like there's something wrong with me. I can't even say "lately I've been feeling off", because it's such a build-up of off-ness that the last time I actually felt normal was in the hugely distant past, and the last time I was actually happy with who I was as a person was almost exactly two years ago.

A lot of the time, I feel like I honestly dislike everything about myself. Objectively, I know that I'm not a bad person, I'm at least of relatively pleasant physical appearance and reasonable intelligence. However, I constantly feel like I'm less attractive than my peers, don't dress or present myself as well as I should, that I'm letting down my family, and that I lack the skill or intellect to achieve anything professionally (I'm about to graduate uni and will need to start selling myself as an employee very soon, so this is a really unhelpful mindset to be in).

Sometimes I'll listen to myself speak, and feel convinced that everyone around me must think that I'm incredibly immature, irritating and attention-seeking. Again, objectively I know this can't be the case (or I'm sure I'd have far fewer friends who were willing to spend time with me), but I can't shake the paranoia. I'm also convinced that I'm somehow less capable of feeling and showing warmth, affection and kindness towards others than I should be. I know this hasn't always been the case- whilst I've never been overtly affectionate even if I look back six months ago, I feel as though I was a totally different person in this regard.

I've always been fairly lazy, but lately it's getting ridiculous. I have various work and study related deadlines piling up on me, but instead of working towards them, I manage to spend my days off work sleeping in and doing pretty much ANYTHING but working on things that could be loosely termed as "productive". Even simple tasks like "take your clothes to the dry cleaner" or "call store about TV repair" seem to be beyond me. "Do your laundry" or "clean your room" are achievable, but still take more effort than I feel that they should. I'm apparently incapable of forcing myself out of bed at anything but the last minute necessary to get where I need to go, and as a result I've been to the gym about twice in over two months, because I'm incapable of getting up early enough to go before work.

This is also impacting on my eating habits, as I tend to snack or eat out as I'm too lazy to prepare food for myself. In the last week or so I've even found myself slacking off at work, which I can't afford to do as I'm a casual employee and could lose shifts if anyone notices. Despite my lack of productivity in any facet of my life, I'm constantly tired and despite sleeping like the dead through the night, I can quite happily nap for hours at a time during the day.

I'm also crazy irritable. I feel like I'm predominantly taking this out on my best friend, who I've recently started living with. Since we moved in together, I often find myself annoyed by things she does or says that really shouldn't bother me. I used to pride myself on being a relatively placid person, but over time my fuse has become way shorter at work (I work in customer service), and I'm finding myself irrationally angry at really stupid, unnecessary things.

I've always been quite cynical, but I'm literally at a point where I feel like I can see the selfish motivations behind everyone's actions, which obviously does wonders for my overall world view and state of mind. I very rarely view my future as something I can look forward to, as I feel that my laziness and lack of confidence will prevent me from achieving anything professionally, whilst my cynicism and ability to get myself into dysfunctional relationships will stop me from ever settling down.

The thing is, this isn't constant. Some days I'll wake up with a feeling of mild dread and think "today is going to be rubbish". Other days I'll be absolutely fine. Sometimes situations that should be low-level stressful (housemate disputes, job applications) will cause me to work myself into a privately panicked frenzy, other times I'll coast through with no problems. I almost wonder if I'm just imagining or over-thinking things, if perhaps I've had a bad week and as such am dreaming up this notion of a less-than-happy state of mind when, in reality, everything is fine.

Additionally, even if I'm not being over-dramatic, I can't say this is a recent issue, or even a total change of character as such. I've always been lazy, slightly underconfident (aren't we all?), disorganised and cynical. I'm not sure if these traits have simply worked themselves up to fever pitch over the past year or so, or whether I'm only just starting to realise how my negative personality traits are impacting on my life.

I guess I might benefit from visiting a psychologist, but my understanding is that where I live, you need to be diagnosed as suffering from a mental illness (depression, anxiety etc) for the public health system to pay for your consults. I flat-out cannot afford to pay for myself, but I also don't feel that my particular issues, whatever the hell they are, are worthwhile wasting a psychologist's time over. I'm well aware of how underresourced my country's mental health services are, and I've seen friends with chronic depression wait weeks at a time to receive care, and I don't feel like I should be using up valuable resources with my stupid hang-ups that I'm probably over-thinking when there are people out there who genuinely need help.

I know I'm not depressed: I've had two experiences in my life (at around the ages of 16 and 18, both related to semi-traumatic events) where, in hindsight, I can say I was probably depressed for short periods of time. My current state of mind and behaviour are completely different to those occasions: back then I could have been a textbook example, and was somewhat aware of this at the time, wheras now I really don't know what's going on. Additionally, depression and anxiety run in my family and I am and have been close to several other people who suffer from it and again, I can recognise that their experiences are radically different and extreme in comparison to my own paltry problems.

I guess what I'm looking for from you guys is a way to drag myself out of this rut. I know I'll be happier if I eat better and excercise. I know I'll be happier if I quit wasting my time sleeping in and surfing the net instead of completing my homework and applying for internships. I know I'll be happier if I ditch my cynical mindset and start believing that I deserve for good things to happen to me. But I just seem to lack this motivation to pull myself together and make any of these things happen.

If anyone can relate to this and share their solutions that would be fantastic, but any and all advice and feedback is appreciate.

Actually, when people say things like this:

OP wrote:

I also don't feel that my particular issues, whatever the hell they are, are worthwhile wasting a psychologist's time over.

it's usually a red flag that they do need to make an appointment with a therapist. It is not for you to decide what does or does not waste a psychologist's time. Some people have therapists they see just to let it all out every once in a while; it's just as valid as seeing a therapist to treat a diagnosed problem. Leave it up to the professionals to decide whether or not therapy would be beneficial for you.

Secondly, you say you are sure you don't have depression, but you say that only because you're comparing your current experiences against past ones in yourself and ones that your friends have had. Depression can come in a variety of shapes and forms, even in the same person, and it doesn't make sense to write off your current symptoms just because they're not exactly what you experienced before. Here's what I'm seeing you describe as your symptoms:
-Very low self-esteem; not feeling worthy of anyone's attention
-Unexplained irritability
-Unexplained and detrimental increase in cynicism/pessimism; inability to see 'the bright side'
-Lack of energy
-Extreme procrastination

You might want to check these against a list of possible symptoms for depression (for the record, I looked up the list after I typed out the symptoms I saw you describing): www.nhs.uk . . .

Yes, it is of course possible to be a bit lazy and cynical, and to have some problems with self-confidence, without being depressed. But when it gets to the point where it's significantly affecting your life, as it is for you, and where you seek help on an internet forum, it means it's time to call your doctor and make an appointment.

Good luck!

I'd also like to point out that there are two different classifications of depression. One is minor depression, which relates to depression precipitated by a traumatic event and which lasts for a relatively short time (although its name doesn't mean that the depression itself is a minor problem and I feel that it is an unfortunate misnomer). This sounds like what you've experienced in the past.

The other is known as major depression and it is a chronic illness which doesn't have an obvious precipitating event or any other clear cause. It can last a long time, or come and go throughout the life of the individual, and requires treatment in one form or another. I have lived with this illness for a long time. I'm not saying you definitely have it. But what you wrote sounds very characteristic of major depression (again, don't be put off by the name).

You can't deal with depression alone. And even if that's not what's going on with you, I still think it would be useful to see a doctor and get a referral. They are not going to send you away and tell you there's nothing amiss.

celestia836 wrote:

Actually, when people say things like this:

OP wrote:

I also don't feel that my particular issues, whatever the hell they are, are worthwhile wasting a psychologist's time over.

it's usually a red flag that they do need to make an appointment with a therapist.

SO TRUE!

I've been hospitalized for major depression. Like, chronic, severe depression. The first few times, it was for suicidal ideation - like, 'I want to kill myself, and here's how I want to do it' kind of thing. Very dark, dramatic, gloomy.

The last time, my mood was fine. I felt okay. I didn't FEEL bad. But I wasn't functional. I couldn't make meals for myself - if someone else prepared food and set it in front of me, I would eat it, but I couldn't fix it myself. I was late to everything and eventually stopped showing up at work and school. Oh, and school papers and assignments? Forget it. Phone calls (such as to work, to inform them that I wouldn't be showing up)? Way too much effort. I would sleep in until the afternoon. And so on, and so on.

It was bizarre, but I honestly feel like it was the worst episode I've ever had!

In sum: you're not wasting anyone's time by going to see a doctor or psychiatrist. They're there to help people. Don't compare your problems to anyone else's. Everything is relative, and your problems are no less important (or severe) than anyone else's. I've spoken to people who I thought had gone through much worse than I did and they would say "oh, that's nothing, look what you had to deal with!" When you're in that Negative Nancy mindset, you're not fit to judge yourself on anything. Besides - you really don't want to let it snowball until it gets worse.

Oh, and I'm not saying you have depression, either. There's plenty of things that can cause chronic fatigue-y type problems. But yeah, it's serious - just because it's a combination of all those little things doesn't make it any less of a problem.

Thanks for the input guys, I really appreciate it. Someone mentioned checking my symptoms- I have actually run through a couple of online tests, including the one I know physicians (at least the ones where I live) use as diagnostic tools. Pretty much all of them have put me bang in the middle of the "you should probably get that checked out" category (as opposed to "seriously, don't worry about that" and "holy crap, get help NOW"). The difficult thing for me is the fact that it isn't constant: for instance, the day I posted was a pretty rubbish day, whereas today I feel fine.

I've also realised that I seem to have some weird anxiety-type stuff caught up in this. Some days I'll find myself waking up with my heart racing for absolutely no reason, and spend the rest of the day with a tight chest and a light head. I'll find myself getting worked up over making the simplest or most reversible decisions. In hindsight, I went through a really bad patch of this sort of thing a while back, but I guess I didn't notice at the time as at the time I was also coming out of a relationship that messed me around badly, and I assumed it was all part and parcel of the process.

Hypothetically, if I were to do anything about this in terms of seeing a doctor- what would I say? "I'm pathologically lazy, cynical and sad- help?" I truly have no clue where to start. I'm also worried that, as I've been through a major life trauma recently (won't go into details here as it will likely reveal who I am, but I'm willing to PM if necessary), they'll assume it's because of this. I don't believe it is- I've been feeling like this for a LONG time -but I can definitely see it being an issue.

I feel EXACTLY the same as what you've described. I've felt this way for over a year. I'm surprised that I've even managed to ask for help, to be honest. I've got a long wait before I can have a consultation with a counsellor (who'll then decide what type of therapist to refer me on to), so I'm starting to worry about what to say to them too. We could probably both just print out your post and hand it to them, to be honest.

Anyway the point of the post was, I'm pretty much going through the same experience so if you want to PM me and have a vent, do it. I'll keep you anon of course.

I agree with Louise--just print out what you've described here (in both posts) and hand it to the doctor. It is more than enough to show them that something needs to be addressed, I promise.

I know it can be hard to accept, but please trust me when I say that you need (and deserve!) to get help.

anonymous wrote:


Hypothetically, if I were to do anything about this in terms of seeing a doctor- what would I say? "I'm pathologically lazy, cynical and sad- help?" I truly have no clue where to start.

You could say something like: I am feeling emotionally 'off'. I am irritable and have a very hard time getting motivated. My eating ans sleeping are being effected by my moods as well and I think I need to talk to someone.

With psychological issues, oftentimes treatment is very hard to get unless you ask for it directly and make your issues clear.

I see people come into the clinic I work at and they hint at being depressed, anxious or other things but they wont outright say it because they are ashamed or afraid. Many sit in the office and talk about their cold or whatever and slip out little hints like 'it's just so hard when you feel so down' or 'I'm just not feeling like myself.' The doctor ignores that (or misinterprets it) and focuses strictly on the primary medical complaint. Then as the person leaves they say to their spouse 'But what about my depression! He didn't say anything about it!' You have to be clear and let your doctor know that this is a problem, and you want to address it.

There is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of and if you can get together the motivation to see a doctor, make it count. Be clear, advocate for your own treatment, and be persistent if need be. Best of luck, I hope you get some treatment soon and start feeling better.

Louise, thank you so much for your offer to PM. I may well take you up on it, although I think I need to decide what I'm going to do first. I've been following your diary since you posted here, and I'm looking forward to seeing how your own treatment pans out.

Madseason,I think the "emotionally off" thing actually sums it up very well. I'm due to visit a doctor for unrelated reasons in the near future, and if I can psych myself up to it I may mention it then.

I know this sounds really silly, but part of me is worried that they'll say there's nothing wrong with me. Having not seen anyone, I can still try to excuse my dysfunctional romantic relationships, chronic procrastination and general negative worldview as being caused by some external factor. I guess I'm just scared of realising that it's actually an ingrained part of my personality, rather than a symptom of something else. Isn't that silly?