I want to know why people "feel" as though they must be married, and if there is any difference than if you just lived together? Besides the certificate, what's the difference? You can claim each other on taxes...but other than that it just seems as society just expects this, and if you're not married people tend to look down on it. Just a topic I'm uncertain about myself

I actually don't think marriage is always the goal to strive for. I know a handful of gay couples who "can't" be married, yet they love each other just like a legally married couple.

I think I would want to be married if I decide to have children. I think it would be easier all around if I was married. Technically I could fill out all the paperwork to become the next of kin,name change, insurance etc but with a marriage certificate it is a one place stop. The kid would probably start to annoy me with " Why aren't you married" questions.

I think marriage was important hundreds of years ago when the woman needed to rely on a man to live a certain lifestyle. I feel that in this day and age, marriage is just a traditional thing that some people like to take part of.
I know people who aren't married and they have lived together for 30+ years. I also know that people got divorced after 6 months of marriage.

I can think of one aspect that might be positive, and it is the acceptance from society. The term "spouse" seems to send a different connotation to most people. Some people think it is a "higher level" then a girlfriend. Personally when I hear the word "wife" I don't automatically think about love and happiness. There are so many women staying in marriages even without the love there. A wife doesn't seem to ring the same romantic love bell as the term "girlfriend" or "fiance".

Oh and if you are in the military and want to live in the same house. You probably should get married. If the family is religious, you should probably get married if you want their approval of living under the same roof.

For me, I would be happy if the government got rid of marriages all around. It should be up to the individual couple to make a commitment to be with each other. A contract with the government makes it sound so...businesslike and not romantic. Why can't two people say they love each other, commit to each other, respect and love one another. I personally think they can.

One other thing about marriages in general. I know this isn't the case for all people, just putting it out as a disclaimer. I think that some people rely on marriage to "trap" a person. Are they so scared that he is going to leave, if he doesn't hurry up and put a ring on her finger? Does she feel like she can't compete with other women, if she doesn't make him her husband ASAP? I think some young women rush into marriage to get the "catch" and take him off the market. That is a bad reason to get married in my opinion.

First: a disclaimer--tomorrow is my 36th wedding anniversary, so you might say I'm biased. My hubbie and I have been together for 40 years, so "we put in time we don't get credit for" as my mom so quaintly commented.

Marriage is different than living together in several ways. First, the legalities. Under the law, a married couple is actually one person. Certain rights and protections grow out of that legal fiction. Although times are changing, a couple can get health benefits, has rights concerning the health care and last wishes of a spouse.

The more important emotional differences are, I suspect, the ones you are asking about. My husband and I promised publicly to stick together. It was a open declaration of something very personal and intimate. We "wagered" our relationship was worth the risk of the declaration. We view keeping the promise as a sort of exercise. Can we ignore the irritations, hold out against the temptations, not take ourselves too seriously and take our commitment very seriously? Marriage is an on-going experiment on a single living organism comprised of 2 individuals. People who view the wedding as the ultimate event are doomed to boring and, I suspect, short marriages.

Based on my experience, NEVER make the promise with someone who doesn't have a generally good sense of humor. Do NOT marry someone who can't laugh at himself.

Does that help explain the differences?

santarosa.towns.pressdemocrat.com . . .

Here is a couple who have been together for over 60 years yet they aren't married by the government. Yes, they have a domestic partnership but that isn't marriage in the governments eyes.

Here is Kim Kardashian who has been married for 72 days. www.usmagazine.com . . .

It is scary thinking that she had more rights during the 72 days, then the lifelong partners of 60 years.

I think the government should offer a tax break for people who live together for over 5 years. I know that common-law exists, but it doesn't uphold legally in some situations. If 2 people live together and one partner dies...what happens to the house? What if the house was only in one persons name? I think there should be a way to have a tax break, legal protection if a parter dies...without having to go through the process of a marriage.

People ask me why not just go through a marriage? I feel that if I got married, people would expect me to live a certain way. First comes dating, then comes marriage, then comes 2.5 kids, then comes college funds, retirements, a white picket fence. I feel that getting married is a super loaded thing and people expect a lot more once you get married. I know that if I married my current man, people would ask when we were going to have kids etc. They will lay on the pressure of " have to's" once we say " I do".
If I am a single woman, people would just play off my quirks to " Oh she isn't married yet, she will settle down once she finds someone".

Oh btw, I would never live with someone I didn't love, but I can see myself getting married for financial or legal protection to someone I didn't love. ( Or being married for other reasons, not having sex with my husband, and having a romantic relationship with a non husband. For example if we both are CEO's of a big company and we are getting ready for a merger. Having a "family business" image may help the business etc.)

I think co-habitating is a lot risker then actually getting married. You can put money into a house, but if it is in his name and you aren't his wife...big legal trouble if he decides to kick you out.

Inherently, there's not. You can have lifelong commitment without a marriage and marriage without the lifelong commitment. I'd like to get married for legal purposes, and I'm sure things will change because relationships DO change as time goes on, but I personally don't need the certificate...I just want it.

For people who have strong feelings about religion or changing their names or who view it as protection, there is a LOT of difference between marriage and living together.

To me marriage is more than a certificate or a ring. It just is. To me it is a commitment in front of friends and family and God. And I want to have children only after I'm married. That's just me. It's one commitment just to live together and be together for years and years, but to me doing a ceremony in front of everybody and under God is a whole different level of commitment.

It definitely has to do with religion for me so for those who don't believe in God or aren't strong in their faith then of course it's one less reason to get married vs just live together.

I also believe in "til death do us part". Of course it doesn't mean I'm going to stay in my marriage if I'm completely miserable but it means that I'll try everything possible to turn my marriage around until I resort to divorce. Now days there is no importance on marriage so people get married in one breath and get divorced in the next as if it means nothing...because it does mean nothing to some people.

BeautifulMistake wrote:


It definitely has to do with religion for me so for those who don't believe in God or aren't strong in their faith then of course it's one less reason to get married vs just live together.

There are many faiths (with one or more gods) where marriage is important. Marriage predates Christianity, you don't have to believe in the Christian god to find marriage symbolically significant. Also, in many cultures a woman or man may act differently if they are married as opposed to just dating. This is certainly true for many American Indian tribes. Married women participate in different activities and rituals. That is one example of many.
If we are strictly talking western cultures then I suppose there are different reasons. I have been with my guy for nine years. We are getting an official marriage certificate and having a wedding for a few reasons that have nothing to do with faith.
1. I want to be able to make medical decisions for him (and have him do the same for me) in an emergency or difficult situation.
2. I want my relationship to be considered 'real'. People are dismissive of non-married couples because they see the relationship as being easily terminated. 'Boyfriend' or even 'fiance' means less than 'husband' in most circles.
3. It will be easier for us to get a home loan, easier for me to get health insurance, and easier for him to pay for grad school.

Here is a list of the benefits of marriage that are not religious: www.familyfacts.org . . .

Other highlights include:
-Married men earn around 22 percent more than their similarly experienced but single colleagues.
-Married people tend to be healthier
-You save money on insurance, raise your credit score, get better deals on loans, and get spousal health benefits.

Here is another article talking about the benefits of marriage vs. cohabitation:
www.nytimes.com . . .

I don't care why people get married as I know there is a plethora of reasons. However, I do feel that the government should not have the right to say what love is significant and what love is not. Especially given the state of heterosexual marriage. It angers me that the government provides benefits for straight married couples but doesn't recognize gay marriages in all states. The guideline for what makes a legitimate couple is based on guidelines from a religion that not all Americans share. It bothers me that after over twenty years with his partner, my old college adviser was only able to marry the man he loves recently.

madseason wrote:



There are many faiths (with one or more gods) where marriage is important. Marriage predates Christianity, you don't have to believe in the Christian god to find marriage symbolically significant. Also, in many cultures a woman or man may act differently if they are married as opposed to just dating. This is certainly true for many American Indian tribes. Married women participate in different activities and rituals. That is one example of many.
If we are strictly talking western cultures then I suppose there are different reasons.

I just mean at a very basic level. I don't want to get all in deep with it because I know that can bring up tons of different things. I just mean that to me it's a commitment to God as well as my future husband.

There was no religious reason why I wanted to get married. At present there are no plans to have kids, so that wasn't it either. I *think* in Britain you can get tax credits if you're married but I have absolutely no idea and I haven't looked in to it at all. The reason I got married is because in my world that's what people do. I'm old-fashioned. You get married, you take your husband's name, the man mows the lawn and takes out the bins, the woman does the cooking and chooses the decor and puts up the Christmas tree. Everything else you share, and sometimes I might want to mow because it's a nice day and Tim has got a steak in the oven...but that's what you do. I feel faintly hypocritical because I think sometimes people have kids without *really* wanting them just because that's what you're supposed to do. And I don't want it to sound like I just "settled" because I can't even comprehend how much I love him. I'm just saying marriage is traditional and I always knew I would do it, so I did it.

And I DO feel different. I really do. Without wanting to sound like I was stressing about the relationship beforehand, I feel calmer, I feel more secure, I feel settled...I felt all of those things before and I wasn't expecting to feel different, but I didn't realise I could feel all of those things MORE. How can you feel more secure when you felt 100% secure before? You just do. Or I do, anyway. It's like trying to explain to someone how you know that you're in love...you just feel different. MEGA hard to explain.

It would be pretty bloody rich of me to start claiming my relationship is better than an unmarried person because I've been married for all of 3 months, go me woohoo! I DON'T think that.

Nothing has changed in any important way for us since getting married. We did it because we were really happy (and still are) and felt like celebrating our happiness. We didn't have a traditional wedding and we're not traditional people. I never even thought I'd be the marrying 'type'. I was strongly against the whole institution growing up.

However, I have to say I enjoy the way people treat you more seriously when you're a married couple. Really, they shouldn't treat you any differently but I am still shamelessly enjoying the social bias.

PS - Actually, at least for me, being married has tax disincentives. It's not always a financial bonus. I don't care about that, but some people do.

To me and my particular relationship, not being married was starting to feel like my now husband was being really disrespectful to me.

He kept telling me that there was no reason we weren't married, that he definetly wanted to marry me, and he fully intended to ask me to marry him...

...and the years just kept piling on. One, then two, then four, then EIGHT. And we had a kid together already. Look, either marry me, or don't, but stop eating up years of my life while you tell me one thing, and plainly demonstrate another.

I didn't qualify for any state assistance (namely Medicaid, since the health insurance company he went through doesn't allow unmarried opposite sex couples to be on the same policy) because I lived with him, I didn't qualify for his benefits because we weren't married. I couldn't do anything either way that I turned.

In the end, we ended up getting married because our kid asked. True story. He wanted to know why we weren't already (and I don't know that he even knows what it means, he just knows it's something moms and dads do, and his hadn't), so we did.

YumYumDoughnut wrote:

Here is a couple who have been together for over 60 years yet they aren't married by the government. Yes, they have a domestic partnership but that isn't marriage in the governments eyes.

Here is Kim Kardashian who has been married for 72 days. www.usmagazine.com . . .

It is scary thinking that she had more rights during the 72 days, then the lifelong partners of 60 years.

I can't think of a better summary for the differences between living together and marriage. Right or Wrong, Good or Bad, people who have made a public commitment and confirmed their relationship in a formal legal "contract," do receive different consideration from many aspects of society. This is precisely one of the two major reasons gays have fought for the right to marry. The other important reason is standing up before society (and God, if they so choose) takes a relationship to another level.

If you have doubts about marriage, you certainly shouldn't make the commitment. The "work" can be hard and non-stop. For me, the emotional rewards far outweigh the social and legal benefits, but I can't imagine entering a (successful) marriage conflicted and doubtful at the outset.

I think marriage is supposed to symbolize a commitment to one another that both parties are willing and eager to make (I know the commitment part doesn't always work out-but that is due to the parties, not the institution of marriage)

If my daughter was living with a man for more than two years and there were no plans to marry I would not feel that the man/they were willing to make the commitment. To me, that says something.

Guess Im just old fashioned

I'd want to get married because I want that symbol of a lifelong commitment. If it's available to you, why not take it?

I wanted to get married because I wanted us to be a family - formally, officially, and legally. When he was just my boyfriend, I may have felt as bonded to him as if he were my family, but now that he's my husband, he really is my family in every sense possible (except, you know, genetically).

Under Australian Law after 12 months of a defacto relationship you get the full rights under law of a married couple anyway.

^Everyone assumes that you get that in the US too, you actually don't.

There was also the problem of what was going to happen if he ever needed long term hospitalization. If Jim went in to the hospital, his next of kin, and closest legal relative is/was James. They'd let a five year old make decisions for him before they'd let me do it. :/ That was incentive to get married over just living together.

^ Can five year old even be able to make those kinds of decisions? Wouldn't you, as your son's next of kin...make those decisions? Just a bit curious how that works.

anonymous wrote:

^ Can five year old even be able to make those kinds of decisions? Wouldn't you, as your son's next of kin...make those decisions? Just a bit curious how that works.

Thus, the hullabaloo. Legally, the responsibility would fall to James, and beyond that, the responsibility would go to his parents. Who are both still alive, but out of state. So it's a pretty messed up situation either way.

And of course, now we're married, so it's kind of moot, but still...

To me...(and I have done BOTH):

Living together: Undefined and very uncertain arrangement. It is legally limiting, ambiguous commitment, and no binding obligation. There is this "partial" sharing, and seems very transient. You can pretty much pick up and go without a lot of legal issues.

Marriage: It is a clearly defined and publicly acknowledged commitment. There are legal benefits, privileges, as well as obligations, and responsibilities. There is far more sharing involved when you are married.

I didn't think my feelings could change for my husband just by being married, but they did. It's a much different connection and a much much bigger commitment. My parents hated the fact that my boyfriend of 7 years was never going to marry me. People didn't take our relationship seriously. I wanted to be married and so he got kicked to the curb and now I really feel that I have a partner who is all in. We're a team and sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it isn't...but we made vows and we take them very seriously. Far more seriously than I took my previously living arrangement.

^ What imadanseur said.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, and living with him for over a year. Yet, if I WANTED to, I could up and leave tomorrow. It would be emotionally messy, and there would be issues over the things we own together. But there would no legal (or spiritual, or familial) problems at all.

The difference with marriage (whether you are religious or not), is that the couple has made a lifelong commitment in front of their families, community, and the government. What that means, is that if they want to go back on that decision, it is going to be a big mess. No one gets out unscathed. I have never in my life heard of a divorce that was easy. Breaking up, on the other hand? Certainly tough, but it just doesn't have the same potential for lasting (and continually renewable!) legal and emotional damage.

Of course there are exceptions to every principle, but I feel like in general, the realization that you're either in it for life, or faced with the consequences of divorce, is what makes the difference. This is also why society doesn't treat boyfriend/girlfriend relationships with quite as much respect as married couples.

In this discussion, it may be useful to look at a Wiki on the History of Marriage:

en.wikipedia.org . . .

It appears to be a good discussion of how various cultures and civilizations have viewed marriage and even the question of what constitutes a marriage.

The idea of marriage being something recorded by either a religious entity or a civil entity is a comparatively recent one dating to the 11th or 12th centuries, and at first optional. (The Jews are and exception here as they have long had a written contract, though no necessity that there be a religious officiant.) The idea that it required a ceremony by a religious or civil officiant is even more recent dating to the 1500's through the 1700s depending upon Western geography. Primitive and Eastern civilizations had a wide variety of definitions and schemes. The Catholics said it had to be a priest and later made it a sacrament. Many early Protestants (Luther among them) made it a state responsibility though encouraged a religious blessing. Today, most Western countries have some hybrid involving state recording or licensing and an option of having a clergy person do a separate religious ceremony;or, in the US and other places, having the cleric act also as an agent of the state.

Sociologists have cataloged numerous reasons for marriage in various civilizations including things such as tribal coherence, property and inheritance rights, political alliances, and even (surprise, surprise) libidinous and romantic reasons. In many civilizations, what we now call co-habitation or even "friends with benefits" both with an implication of some form of social contract and sexual contact, constituted a marriage.

In contemporary society, it is much more complicated than that as since the late middle ages, religious and later civil authorities put their own definitions as to what constituted a marriage, who had to witness (and later bless) what took place, who could marry whom (e.g. incest restrictions and miscegenation laws) and when (age restrictions) and then putting legal definitions to property succession and inheritance. This is constantly being tweaked even to our day (see Defense of Marriage Act, and legalization of gay marriage in places.) Even what married people can call themselves (who takes whose surname, and what their children might be called) has been adjusted within certainly my lifetime and even many of your lifetimes.

Jon

anonymous wrote:

^ What imadanseur said.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, and living with him for over a year. Yet, if I WANTED to, I could up and leave tomorrow. It would be emotionally messy, and there would be issues over the things we own together. But there would no legal (or spiritual, or familial) problems at all.

The difference with marriage (whether you are religious or not), is that the couple has made a lifelong commitment in front of their families, community, and the government. What that means, is that if they want to go back on that decision, it is going to be a big mess. No one gets out unscathed. I have never in my life heard of a divorce that was easy. Breaking up, on the other hand? Certainly tough, but it just doesn't have the same potential for lasting (and continually renewable!) legal and emotional damage.

Of course there are exceptions to every principle, but I feel like in general, the realization that you're either in it for life, or faced with the consequences of divorce, is what makes the difference. This is also why society doesn't treat boyfriend/girlfriend relationships with quite as much respect as married couples.

I would NEVER want someone to marry me if the reason behind it was essentially boiled down to "because it's harder for you to leave."

And that's all that^ mentality is. That's not even the case, really - a married person can just pick up and bounce as easily as anyone else on the planet can. Might be tied up in court for a bit, but so what, have a lawyer handle it; anyone can turn around and walk out of your life on a dime. If you haven't seen that happen you just haven't been around enough crappy people.


I was with my now-ex boyfriend for five years, and there was this huge stigma against the seriousness of our relationship because we weren't married. Towards the end of it I started calling him my fiance because I was tired of the looks I got when I wrote him down as my emergency contact. If I ever to get married, that would basically the reason why: because society will not take your relationship seriously until you do.

Heart wrote:

A married person can just pick up and bounce as easily as anyone else on the planet can. Might be tied up in court for a bit, but so what, have a lawyer handle it; anyone can turn around and walk out of your life on a dime. If you haven't seen that happen you just haven't been around enough crappy people.

Someone needs to let my mother in law know that, because she's just spent the last 7 years in court trying to get a property settlement so that she can get a divorce. Now that the property settlement is sorted, she can finally move on to the actual divorce. Life isn't a movie. It's not just as easy as "Okay, I'm done. Here, sign the papers."

^Ditto my mom and real dad, took them five.