I have about had it with my mother.

I am 21 and living at home. I have room mates lined up and will be getting out, at the earliest, in April. I pay rent, I help with bills, I buy food, I help clean. All of my stuff is kept in my room so I have nothing laying around (I got rid of everything when I moved to Vancouver because it all had to fit in my car).

The problem is that she keeps treating me like I am a young teenager.

Just now she goes "I am making stir fry for dinner" to which I replied "I would like to make my own meal because I do not want stir-fry" to which she gets angry at because she is tired of making different meals all the time. I then told her that she is not making different meals as I am making my own, to which she angrily replied "Fine!"

Another thing she does, if I am not awake at 4:30am, she comes in and wakes me up. My work schedule is all over the place so sometimes I start at 5am, sometimes I start at noon. She will come into my room and the following happens

mom - "Felsa"
me - "mshdfg"
mom - "It's 4:30"
me - "... I don't work today/until 9!!!"
mom - "Well I didn't know"

It is like she needs to be on top of everything I do. I go to my friends for the night and i get "Do you have everything? PJ's? Your tooth brush? A clean top for tomorrow?"

If I am going to visit my aunt out in the country I get "Make sure you have enough gas. You should probably fill up before you go. And make sure you check the oil."

If she knows I have to work at 5am the next day I get "It is 7[pm] shouldn't you be getting to bed?"

I sit down with her over and over and OVER again and tell her that I am now a big girl and can do things on my own. That I do not need to tell her every bit of my life and that I need privacy. I tell her "I moved to Vancouver by myself and took care of myself. If I can do it there I can do it here." but she does not get it.

How do I get her to treat me like an adult? I hide in my room whenever she is home so that I don't have to listen to it.

Honestly, she just sounds like she is a being a mom. I would probably do the same thing to my child. If my child had had to move back home with me, I would probably make sure they are getting to work on time too. Sorry that she can't keep track of your schedule but she's a mom and has a lot on her brain. Share your schedule with her, tape it on your door and ask her to check it before she wakes you up.

My mom says these kinds of things to me and I don't even live at home. "Don't forget to fill up with gas before you get on the interstate! Make sure you get some sleep before your exam tomorrow!" SHE IS YOUR MOM. They are annoying sometimes, but they do it because they care and LOVE you. I think you should try being a bit more appreciative towards what your mom does for you. I know you pay rent and buy groceries, but you should be thankful for the fact that you are ALLOWED and able to come live at home when you are in need. Not everyone has that option.

As for the food thing, that was something that seriously stressed my mom out when I was living at home. Meal planning is HARD. It is hard to put int he effort to try new things and get shot down when your kids don't like them or don't want to eat them(or so I imagine). I'm sure she is just frustrated. Help her make a menu for the week with things you are wanting to eat. Offer to help with the cooking every now and then.

Honestly, you are just coming across as being a 12 year old in this post. Are parents annoying sometimes? Oh god yes! I'm 23 and have lived with my parents during summers and other time periods since leaving home. I understand where you are coming from, but just because your mom is reminding you of things more often than you like doest mean she doesn't see you as "an adult". If she were laying down ridiculous rules, then yes. But she is just trying to make your life easier and getting shot down for it. I'm sorry if this is coming across as harsh, but I just feel bad for the way you are trying to portray your mom in this post, when she clearly loves you.

I've read a few of your posts in the past about your issues with mom and I get where you are coming from but she does sound like a mom does.

My mom is different and barely notices anything going on in my life. Let's just put it like this I wasn't in college last semester and my mom had no idea. So your situation would drive me nuts when I visit my dad and stepmom they treat me like a 2 year old.

I would do this but it may seem harsh. I would say to her " Mom I understand that you are worried about me and my life, but since you expect me to pay my fair share of the bills then treat me like an adult. If you expect me to act like an adult then treat me like one " If that doesn't work save every penny to move out.

I know my mom loves me and I do appreciate the fact that she let me come back.

I am a very personal person. I don't like to share things with people. I don't feel like I should HAVE to give my mom a list and say "This is what time I am getting up, these are the days I am working, these are days I am hanging out with friends". I feel like I should be able to keep at least a little bit of my life private. If she asks when what time I am working then I tell her.

With the meal thing, she does not understand how I eat. I am a vegetarian and to her that means I will just eat the potatoes and veggies and not the meat. I also have lighter meals before bed that are low carb before bed. My biggest meal is lunch which is when I eat most of my carbs and calories. It is what works for my body. She also does not like the same foods I do. I love Brussels sprouts and cauliflower and tofu and spicy food. She will not touch any of that. This is why I buy all my own food and usually make my own. We don't eat the same things. I also feel that since I am 21 I should be able to have control over my diet.

Maybe she just pushed me over the edge tonight. That coupled with the fact that I had to get up at 3am is probably why I am so cranky over this whole thing. I feel like she is always on my back about something. Nothing I do is right unless I do it her way and it gets tiring.

ballerinatwirler wrote:


I would do this but it may seem harsh. I would say to her " Mom I understand that you are worried about me and my life, but since you expect me to pay my fair share of the bills then treat me like an adult. If you expect me to act like an adult then treat me like one " If that doesn't work save every penny to move out.

I have done this. I have explained that if she wants me to pay rent, then I want some privacy.

I am not a bad person. I work 40+ hours a week, I bust my butt at work, I am never late for work, I am quiet if I get home late, if I am going to out really late then I let my mom know so she does not think I am dead in a ditch. I don't spend my money on things I don't need.

I just want some privacy.

What if you put your work schedule on the fridge? As annoying as that would be , it would be better than her waking you up.

Appreciate the stir fry. For real. I look back and remember fighting with my mom over pot-roast and lasagna and feeling the same way you do. Now I just really want to eat a big dish of her food, that she cooked with love. Your mom sounds like she is just being a loving mom. It's tough when you start getting independent and parents don't know how to handle that. Think about it, they took care of you for so long and it's probably hard to get out of the habit. I know with my mom that those little comments about 'did you remember your sweater?' and 'Can I make you some dinner?' were all just ways of loving and showing care for me.

Honestly all this behavior on your moms part is probably just her struggling with your new independence. She undoubtedly still wants to feel needed and important to you and doing little things like cooking and waking you up are her way of caring- as annoying as it may be.

^ I agree. It is a perspective thing. I called my mom last night because I was excited about a book I got and she said "don't stay up too late reading if you have to work in the morning. Do you want me to call you in the morning to make sure you are awake." I am 26, I don't need her wake up call, I have been living on my own for 8 years. Instead of it frustrating me, I smile about it and just say "No thanks mom, I promise I will wake up!" I like that my mom sends me recipes that I might like, which is her way of reminding me to eat well. I like it that she still always tells me to be careful and have fun before I go somewhere. You probably won't get this feeling until you move out. Until then you just have to deal with it and respect her. I know that it is annoying to hear, but its your mom, it doesn't sound like she has been mean to you or expected anything that is unreasonable. Just know that it gets better and you will learn to love her motherly ways. She doesn't mean to do it most of the time, it is just instinct. Have you ever been in the passenger seat of the car when your mom is driving, and she takes a sharp turn, and puts her hand out in front of you to make sure you don't fall out of your seat? Yeah, it is like that, an instinct.

I am seriously sick of this whole DDN exalting parents thing. It's like if anyone posts a thread with the slightest bit of complaint about their parents everyone is like APPRECIATE IT AND DON'T DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT!

Seriously, wtf?

Yes, it is important to appreciate and love your parents and all they do/have done for you, but that doesn't mean that you can't have an ADULT conversation with the ADULTS you live with.

This situation is obviously not working for Felsa, so I don't think it's helpful for her to just shut up and take it. How about we give her advice on how to COMMUNICATE with her mother, instead of treating her like she's a god or something.

If I were you I would sit down with her, and tell her how much you appreciate what she does for you. That you see that her motherlyness is her form of showing love, but as a maturing adult you need a little more sense of autonomy. Reiterate that you're not trying to be difficult or unappreciative, but that you are able to keep on top of your schedule, dress yourself, make your own food etc, and her recognizing that and respecting that makes it feel like you guys are much more on the same page. If she can't handle that kind of straight up discussion, then I'm sorry, you're dealing with a really defensive and closed-down communicator. In which case, yes, get out asap.

But seriously you two are adults, and just because you live in her house and she wants to make food doesn't mean you can't talk like ADULTS.

Sorry for the intense tone of this post, but seriously this is like 100th time I've seen this type of response on a perfectly legitimate thread and that is requesting advice on communication not just blind exaltation.

^ Agreed. Felsa is paying rent, her food, and everything else so she should have a say in how she lives her life not her mom. Especially if you are vegan and she is trying to force feed you.

What I'm seeing is that Felsa's mother is trying to be helpful and the two of them cannot properly talk about it when her efforts are seen as misguided by Felsa. If Felsa really IS saying to her mother, "Well I took care of myself blah blah blah," then her mom is probably thinking she's pretty justified in being a little involved/concerned since Felsa has now come running back home. The whole thing seems silly but moreso from Felsa's side. Regardless of chipping in on things it is still her mother's house and the option exists to leave. "Paying rent" to a parent is hardly ever the same as paying rent to a landlord or paying your own mortgage. It just can't be. She says she's leaving within a couple of months so it really doesn't seem that hard to just suck it up for now. I really don't see anything wrong with how her mother is acting so maybe I'm missing something major...? God forbid a parent tries to take an interest in their child's life and try to help out where they can. I'd be so pissed off if my mom cared that I got enough sleep and wanted to make me dinner...totally...

I'm not saying the mom is doing anything wrong. I'm saying that they are on completely different pages, annoying each other, and need to communicate better in order to have a functional relationship. This isn't a huge deal, but it is obvioulsy getting under Felsa's skin and is not working for her. That doesn't mean she's being a brat it means that her and her mother are experiencing tension they could get rid of by simply talking to each other rationally.

It's nice her mom wanted to make her stir-fry, but it's also perfectly legitimate that as an adult Felsa wanted to make her own meal. It's not like one is in the wrong, it's that they need to figure out how to live together without drama over something so benign by communicating well.

Simple.

DIT: I just thought about it more and I really think this is a case of someone wanting to be on the same page as the person they live with. Felse feels like she's being treated beneath her maturity, and probably wants to be like hey mom, this is who I am now, can you see that, and appreciate that instead of living some other universe where I'm perpetually in high school? Ya know. It's like you kinda wanna feel a connection and an understanding from your parents on where you're at instead of having to constantly accept and compensate for the fact that they can't adapt to a new role in a changed dynamic.

^Dude...I'm not saying that Felsa needs to eat whatever meal her mom makes for her...I'm saying that they both need to communicate and meet each other half-way. And that includes a little patience, understanding, and yielding from Felsa's end too. It would be nice if her mom never knocked on her door to wake her up. but knowing my mom and other mothers, I feel like that is unlikely to happen. So communicate her schedule towards it.

LeSoulierVert:

Felsa wrote:


I sit down with her over and over and OVER again and tell her that I am now a big girl and can do things on my own. That I do not need to tell her every bit of my life and that I need privacy. I tell her "I moved to Vancouver by myself and took care of myself. If I can do it there I can do it here." but she does not get it.

She already said that she has tried to talk to her mom about this- it didn't work. How would me telling her to 'sit down and have a conversation with her mom like an adult' be any different than what she is already doing? We can't change Felsa or her moms communication style or suddenly tell her JUST what to say to fix the problem. No one is saying her mom is a 'god' it's just that it is worthwhile to understand where she may be coming from and why it is so hard for her to treat her daughter like a grown woman.

Haven't you moved in and out of your parents house a few times now? Maybe your mom feels that you can't take care of yourself yet, just because of the constant moving.

Here is what I recommend.

1. Put a post-it note on your door every single night, on the time you have to wake up the next morning. It is a lot of work, but it prevents your mom waking you up like 5 hours too early!

2. I would suggest making a "second dish" to go along with the stirfry. You can make enough of your food for you mom and share with her. That way she won't feel like you don't care about her cooking

My mom STILL tells me that I shouldn't wear such sexy clothes because it might give men the wrong impression. I shouldn't be drinking their beer when I visit ( Opps, I forgot you are 21!) I need to get my oil changed. She calls me and tells me I shouldn't go to sleep with wet hair because I will get sick LOL.

I think moms are just always going to be moms, no matter what your age.

Well that got heated fast o.O

My mom and I have never been able to communicate well. She always have to have the last word and the results in us yelling at each other. I have tried to just let her have the last word but I still feel like she will not listen to what I am saying.

I do like having her be my mom. Sending me recipes and funny e-mails. Helping me out when I need to do something new. I was on my own for a year before I moved to Vancouver and I was just fine.

Yes, I could post up my schedule on the fridge and send my mom texts every time I make a plan, but I am 21. I feel like I should be able to live my own life. It got to the point where up until a month ago, my mom would set her alarm at 4:30am to make sure I was up and going to work. I feel like she is over my shoulder 24/7 watching everything I do. I am a very private person. I don't open up to people, I like to be by myself. I am very independent. I think that is why it is so hard for me to have my mom trying to tell me what to do and how to do it. I like to think I am capable of taking care of myself.

^ I can't help but wonder if the fact that you are very private and don't open up to people is why she is inserting her self into your life so much.

I am exactly the same way- very private, love my alone time and don't open up much. My mother-in-law (who I used to live with) was always on my back trying to do things for me, ask me questions, get involved, cook for me etc. I wanted her to have nothing to do with me because that behavior makes me feel crowded and I push away even more. My fiance had a talk with her and she said she just really wanted to get to know me and be a part of my life- which made me feel like a brat. But I am the way that I am and crowding me will always backfire. It seems to be the same way with your mom.

Perhaps she is clinging to you because she is needy and wants to be involved with you- all that involvement is driving you up the wall so you're trying to detach from her a little, which makes her cling even more...and so begins the downward spiral.

When I visit my dad and step-mom they supervise me when using the stove and washing dishes at 23! They also do the whole " Hey it's 8AM shouldn't you be awake." But on the other hand they let me choose what I eat and aren't constantly down my throat. The biggest annoyance is when their 100lb dog wakes me up early by jumping in bed with me.

Luckily I don't stay over very often or I would probably feel how you feel.

I'm lucky to have a mom who understands how independent I am. But it's weird because my mom hasn't seen a report since 3rd grade and hasn't signed a permission slip since I was old enough to forge her signature. But of course she drives me insane with stupid rules and not being respectful of my work schedule and me sleeping later than she'd like.

I have to agree with Madseason maybe she is unknowingly jumping down your throat because she misses taking care of you when you were little.

The only solution is to get out of her house. Keep focusing on that, and try to bite your tongue whenever possible. After 21 years, there is nothing you can say to change your mother's expectations or her behavior (I assume you already know this). As long as you're living in her house, you just have to suck it up. And focus on getting out.

madseason wrote:

^ I can't help but wonder if the fact that you are very private and don't open up to people is why she is inserting her self into your life so much.

I am exactly the same way- very private, love my alone time and don't open up much. My mother-in-law (who I used to live with) was always on my back trying to do things for me, ask me questions, get involved, cook for me etc. I wanted her to have nothing to do with me because that behavior makes me feel crowded and I push away even more.

I never thought of that. That is exactly how I feel though, like I am being crowded so then I get more frustrated and then I shut down more. She is the exact opposite, always needing friends around, always talking on the phone and e-mailing people. Me, I am fine being completely by myself for 2 days just reading and writing and watching movies. I like being alone and doing my own thing.

Maybe I will bring this up with her and see how it goes.

I have had crappy luck in past with people I have lived with an landlords. It is always one big mess after another. I am very responsible in every other area though. I have worked my butt off at work and make $1.75 an hour more then when I started there last December. I have personally purchased everything I own, my laptop, guitar, keyboard, car, cell phone. I have been paying my phone bill since I was 16, rent since I was 18, working full time since I was 17. I am not out just partying and throwing my money every where. Maybe I will try explaining this to her again as well.

I just need some space.

If you were working full time at 17, why didn't you pay rent until you were 18?

A point of view from the mom's side: I find it really difficult to know how to be around my adult kid when he's home. It's actually kind of confusing. I wonder if this is where you mom is at as well. Do I expect my son to eat with the family? Sometimes? Always? Never? Do I tell him where I'm going and when I'll be back? Should he tell me? Do I do his laundry when I see it in the hamper or leave it for him? How often should I call or text? Am I bugging him? Do I do anything for him? And if I do is it seen as a kindness or that I'm smothering him? I find myself kind of walking on eggshells a bit. When I have talked with him about it he tells me that he prefers to do his own thing. Ok, that's fine, but then it's like we are roommates. That's ok, but it feels like such a disconnect. When he's living at home he's HOME. Isn't that different than roommates? I don't think it has to be the way it was when he was in high school but do I just never see him or talk with him or eat with him? He just sleeps here? Maybe I should give him his own shelf in the fridge just like 'real' roommates? I've learned not say anything about wearing a sweater when it's cold and other mother-y things but let me tell you, when you have done mother-y things for twenty years it is very hard to just stop completely. A lot of parents don't know HOW to be non-parent adults with their adult kids. It's harder than I thought it would be.

Clearly, all of this begs for communication. And that is what you need to do. You and your mom need to figure out what being home means. Do you want to eat dinner with your family sometimes? Every night? Never? Maybe make a date night with them once a week so that your mom will know that there will be a family dinner night. Then she can leave you alone the rest of the week regarding meals. That's what we ended up doing and it helped a lot.

^D4j has excellent advice.

I'm just about to turn 21 and have been on my own for about 3 years, so I can relate. Every time I've gone to visit my parents on school breaks, they were even more overprotective than they had been when I was in high school! After spending most of high school running around a big city unsupervised, I was suddenly (after saying where I'd be and when to expect me) getting frantic "where are you" calls on the city bus - at 6pm. I was pretty angry at first because I took it as a slight on my competence and maturity. However, my very patient father sat me down gave me a slightly sheepish look at his own feelings.

Among the things he said were that having me visit made them more aware of how much they missed me when I'd been gone. this made them hyperaware of both the possibility of my absence and the effect this would have on them. So, the knee-jerk emotional reaction was to try to keep me closer. Another very important thing that he mentioned was that they wanted to spend as much time as they could with me while I was there. What I had initially thought was a disapproving/paranoid "Get back here right this minute young lady" was more of a "But.. why won't you hang out with me? I've been really looking forward to it. Please?"

I'm guessing your mother is doing both of those things. You've been away and she's missed you. Now you're back and she's hovering because she's glad you're around and wants to make sure you're doing okay. She's doing so in the way she knows: adult to child. If she's like most mothers I know, she's extra concerned because you had to move back, and is trying (especially by trying to ensure you get to work and such) to make sure you're successful. It may also be that she's gotten unused to your need for privacy, and worries that you're struggling/depressed/hiding a problem. Parents don't always realize if they're hovering, and can assume that their child is instead avoiding them because something is seriously wrong. I think the stir-fry thing is an absolutely textbook request to spend time with you. By saying she's making a certain thing for dinner, she's expressing a hope that you'll eat and visit with her. She likely also looked forward to feeding you, since parents just plain like taking care of their kids, but I doubt your wanting different food was what set her off. When you said you didn't want stir fry and planned to make your own meal, she probably took it as "I don't want to share your food and I don't want to eat with you", without anything to soften the rejection. I mean, think about telling your friend you want to treat them to coffee - you'd feel pretty bad if they said "No, I don't like that kind, I'll just get my own later", because that completely passes over the fact that you were hoping to connect and show them affection. Whereas "Gee that's kind of you to offer, but I can't really stomach coffee right now. Why don't we do x together instead?" would go down much easier.

Ironically, reaching out to her may be the best way to get your space. She's your mom; the fact that you pay rent will never change living with her into a typical detached landlord-tenant relationship. She loves you and is craving your affection. Moving out is certainly going to ease the occasional tension that's inevitable when any two people live together, and it's definitely important to set healthy boundaries. However, it's not going to change the fact that you two currently have a dynamic where she constantly probes for a reaction and you constantly retreat. Such dynamics are created by two people reacting to each other - so hopefully, all you will have to do is change your part and she will (eventually) follow.

IMO, it's most healthy for relationships between adult children and their parents to move from parent/parented to a more egalitarian sort of friendship. It may help to try picturing her not as simply a parent, with all the associations of parenting, but more of a friend and mentor. Your best bet is to reach out with friendliness and patience - picking family dinner nights every week where you cook things you both like together, and making plans to go out and have fun together now and then. Get your nails done, see a movie, get coffee, go on a walk, to the aquarium, whatever. You certainly don't have to tell her everything, but make sure you're sharing what's going on in your life, and show interest in hers. Making her privy to your life will show her she can afford to back off because she can see with her own eyes that you're doing fine. Let her help you solve problems - nothing too drastic at first - by discussing troubles you are comfortable sharing/receiving advice about and letting her share her perspective. You don't have to take her advice, but this will reassure her that she can still care for you and help you out, but you will be doing so adult to adult rather than parent to young child.

Simply taking a moment to consider where she's coming from will help a lot, and if you work from there you can set boundaries without shutting her out. Like anyone else, moms need to feel included, loved and needed. If she says she's making stir fry for dinner, you could tell her that you were planning on making x dish for yourself.. but that you'd love to eat together/make a dessert you can share (although I doubt she'll "demand" a family dinner if she knows they can be had on a regular basis). If she's waking you up for work, it may help to mention how kind it is of her to get herself up at an indecent hour to make sure you get to work on time, and how much you appreciate that caring - but that you've gotten very good at it/have never been late in x period of time/have multiple alarms and hate to see her go to all that trouble when you're so good about getting up on your own. If she refuses, then "Oh no, I insist!". I bet though that the alarm thing is just because of extra anxiety and will stop if you can reassure her.

Anyway.. wow, I didn't mean to write a novel, mad props if you got through all that. I don't know your mom of course, so the approach above may or may not prove very helpful, but it's a good place to start. Best of luck!

My mum was the same when I was living at home - and she treats my dad like a kid too. It got to the point where she'd go "have you got your keys and your phone and wallet?" "yes Mum" "show me then, I didn't see you put them in your bag" and she'd go raiding through my bag to make sure everything was there. It got quite embarrassing especially when she'd do it when I had friends around. She tired to do it for a while when I'd come around after I moved out too, but she's settled down now. Mum does have a few mental health issues, but I put most of her treating me like a kid behaviour down to her just being a typical mum. Be happy that she cares enough to make sure you're on time to work and that you won't get stranded. I know it's hard to deal with - and I too had many many conversations and even arguments reminding her that I was an adult and can take care of myself. From her perspective, it can be hard to come to terms with the fact that you are an adult and can take care of yourself - she'll always be your mum and she'll always feel like she has to look out for you, she just doesn't want to see you end up in a bad situation. Bite your tongue and remember you won't be at home forever, she's only doing it because she cares.

Oh and as for putting a schedule on the fridge - I practically have to do that for my husband otherwise I get a call either asking me where I am or wanting me to come pick him up from work ("uh sweetie, I told you at least a dozen times I have ballet after work tonight"). I get that it can be hard enough remembering your own schedule let alone someone elses. Even a little note or a heads up during the day to say don't cook me dinner tonight, I'm working late and will organise my own when I'm home or I'm making other arrangements for dinner (even if it's just you making your own meal that you want when you want it) will make your mum at least feel like her efforts are appreciated, but you're being considerate enough to let her know in advance not to worry about cooking for you.

I REALLY do not understand the reluctance to put a damn schedule on th fridge. It's NOT a lot of work.

Monday - 4am
Tuesday - day off
Wednesday - midday
Thursday - 5am
Friday - 1pm
Saturday - day off
Sunday - 6am

That took me less than a minute to type.

If I worked such a mental schedule then I would be putting schedules on the calendar for Tim and maybe on the fridge for my other housemates, because I think it's helpful to know. Being 21 has crap all to do with being courteous to the people you live with. Your choice is being woken up 5 hours early or spending ONE minute putting up a schedule. Are you REALLY going to be so stubborn? What's the point?!

Regarding the stir fry, I would be annoyed if I had bought ingredients for a meal for two and then the other person decided they didn't want it after all. Half the food is going to go to waste - that's annoying. Second column on your schedule? Why not!

Speaking as a mom I agree that it does take some negotiating when an adult kid comes home-either to rent or just for a long vacation. The first thing I think kids need to be reminded of is that you are coming HOME, not going to a hotel. that means you need to observe some minimal family niceties-such as being communicative and pleasant, doing some light helping out-doing quite a bit more if you are not paying market rent and all your own expenses-and occasionally spending some time together as family. If kids are unwilling or unable to do this they should not be living at home.

Also, its terribly difficult to stop using mom expressions. My 92 year old mom-I am 52- moved into my area several years ago and spent the first year giving me driving directions as I was driving us both around-never mind that I was the one who had lived here the past 25 years to her one-she still does mom things to me. Part of being mature is to just let it roll of your shoulders.

I still use mom stuff on my children-not so much my 24 year old bc he does live on his own and manage well and even when he lived at home managed himself and his time well-but I do give him financial advice as he is just starting out and when you just start out you really have no idea about financial issues, 401ks, tax strategies ect. My 21 year old student gets a bit more moming-in part bc he had HUGE problems managing himself in high school so I am more inclined to make sure he is not sleeping thru his summer job and so on, but, he has matured a lot so I am going to try and respect that-he needs to learn how to cook though bc he is spending way too much money on food.
My hs senior gets lots of mothering bc she has so much going on-school, work, musical, dance-she is liable to forget stuff if not reminded occasionally.

Im sure all my kids would think they get too much and dont need any but in fact they do need or do benefit from some parental advice.