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re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Tue Sep 23, 2014 06:34 PM
Edited by Caffeine (183827) on 2014-09-23 18:35:59
M's actual birthday is today, and he's at daycare; I'm at work. I feel a bit flat or something that I can't be there to celebrate his birthday with him, to snuggle up on the new couch reading birthday books or playing with his new toys.

I'm sure he'll be having a ball at daycare playing with his friends, And I'll get half an hour of cuddles before he goes to bed, so it's not a complete loss.

Aah well. The cost of being the working parent. We'll have plenty of cuddles on the weekend :)
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Wed Sep 24, 2014 07:03 PM
And speaking of the cost of being the working parent: N is now the preferred parent. If the two of us are home, N is the one who is asked to read the bedtime story. If M is upset, he goes to N first. In the middle of the night (more teeth), N is the only one who can calm M down. If N is not home, it's a constant call for "Dad?".

:(

It's more than likely simply because on the days I work, N is the one who get M up and takes him to daycare. N is the one who cooks dinner when I'm at work. (The days I'm not at work, I do it all, but N is still Favourite Parent).

I've also been wondering if my changing hormones have altered my body chemistry/scent and is turning M off me, too.

Either way, though, it stings.
re: Planting an Appleseed
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3643, member since Sat Sep 20, 2003
On Wed Sep 24, 2014 08:57 PM
:-( <3 that's hard to deal with. I hope it's just a stinkerhead stage with him- most of my kiddos have done the same at one point in time.

I canNOT believe he is already 2! So crazy how time flies!
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Wed Oct 01, 2014 06:49 PM
^ I know! Where has my tiny little Nazgul-baby gone?!

This morning he woke too early and was a little limpet attached to me while I was trying to get ready for work. That kid can rival a crocodile's death-grip, I swear! But it was fun having both my boys walk me to the station for a change (they're usually in bed when I leave!) :)

The other week his daycare had Picture Day. I got to see the photos last night: much like his father he is thoroughly unimpressed at having his photo taken! But I was glad to get them - I don't usually see what goes on when he's at "school". :)

And last Friday I had my first OB appt for the (yet-to-be-nicknamed) next one. I was a week off in my calculations, so currently sitting at 8 and a bit weeks, not 9 like previously thought. First scan, and we got to see the heartbeat, which is awesome. <3 All booked in for the 12 and 20 week scans, hospital booked, all sorted - I'm super organised this time round! :) Now if only this endless nausea would let up...
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Mon Oct 06, 2014 02:51 PM
Reasons why my son was crying:

1: He wanted a cheese stick. I let him have one.

2: He wanted a piggyback ride. I asked him to climb onto my back from the couch, where it is easier to stand, rather than the floor.

3: I got the wrong book off the shelf to read after his bath.

4: He found an empty m&ms bucket. It was empty.

5: His sailboat wouldn't fit through the hole in the outdoor table.

And that was just yesterday. Aah well, he's not well, his dad has gone away again, and he's still fighting the transition to daylight saving. He's a funny boy...
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Mon Oct 13, 2014 05:41 PM
M has his two year checkup yesterday. All is good. He's tracking to be tall and lean, just like his dad. The nurse was really pleased with his general development, which is awesome.

I did flag his speech as an area of maybe-sort-of concern, but she reassured me there was a range of normal and as long as he isn't stagnating, he's within the range. Yes, everybody has been telling me that, but it's one thing to be told by friends/family/well-wishes and another to be told by health care professionals who have their eye out for such problems.

So all is good. I have my next ultrasound next week, and hopefully all will be well on that front, too.

I've been frantically applying for jobs left, right and centre. Work is restructuring, and I guess I should be more stressed than I am, but if the worst happens (i.e, I'm made redundant), we should still be OK. I just need to make sure my burgeoning belly is hidden under flowy, professional tops when it comes to interviewing. I can't afford to let them know that I'm up the duff until after I've secured a job: even though on paper it would be some other excuse, I know that pregnancy will be a major factor in whether I'll be employed or now.
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Sun Oct 19, 2014 11:09 PM
I had my 12 week ultrasound today. Things are not good.

It turns out I've had a missed miscarriage, and the baby has died. It measured 8 weeks at the 8 week scan, and 7 weeks today, so I'm guessing it stopped growing at the 9-10 week mark? As soon as we saw it on the screen - before they told us the awful news that there was no heartbeat - you could tell it wasn't right: the shape was all wrong, and it wasn't moving.

Sadly I wasn't surprised. I feel like I've been holding my breath to get to this point, and in hindsight there were a few signs that pointed to this as a strong possibility. We never even nicknamed this one.

Oh well. Chin up and all that. Better that it happened now, than at a much later stage of development. And of course, at least pregnancy won't jeopardize my job chances when it comes to interview in a couple of weeks.

I'll be seeing my OB tomorrow to finalise things. Cancelled the hospital booking for May, and hugged my boy extra tight.

:C

Speaking of M, I think he's got 4 or 5 new words in the space of a week: "door", "wheel", "nano" (window), "Bob" (the cat) and the quintessential 2-year-old word "ME".
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By Tishwah Comments: 586, member since Sun May 17, 2009
On Mon Oct 20, 2014 01:51 AM
Oh Caffeine, I always look forward to reading your diary here. You have nothing but my deepest sympathy, hugs, vibes, prayers, etc.
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By SiyoNqobamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 7113, member since Fri Aug 02, 2002
On Mon Oct 20, 2014 03:39 AM
Oh, no. I am so, so sorry. It sucks that there's not more we can do for you over the internet, but you have my deepest sympathy, and I will be doing all the praying, thoughts and sending vibes that I can for you as you heal.
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Mon Oct 20, 2014 09:23 PM
Thank you both. *hug* It really means a lot to hear you say that.

I had a good cry last night, but am trying to be pragmatic about it: it happened, it was awful, and I'll never forget, but there's nothing I can do about it. I do feel ripped off that we had this new life taken away from us, and it will take some time to process things properly, but in the meantime, it's simply one day at a time.

One hour.

One minute.

If I stop to think, I won't be any good to anybody.

Surgery is booked for tomorrow morning. Is it wrong that I sort of want to bring it home and bury it in the garden?
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By SiyoNqobamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 7113, member since Fri Aug 02, 2002
On Mon Oct 20, 2014 10:05 PM
Can you bring the baby home to bury? Like, would that be "allowed"? If so, I absolutely would. It's not wrong at all, I think it's a beautiful idea.
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By Tishwah Comments: 586, member since Sun May 17, 2009
On Mon Oct 20, 2014 11:29 PM
I wonder if they would let you do a cremation? I know that isn't the same but there are laws about burying people in backyards in Australia (do not even ask why i was doing that research! But basically, you can, but there are all sorts of things you have to do in terms of public access forever even if you move away and councils etc).
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3643, member since Sat Sep 20, 2003
On Tue Oct 21, 2014 07:48 AM
I just saw this- I'm so so sorry :( I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs. <3
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By celestia836 Comments: 2006, member since Tue Dec 02, 2003
On Tue Oct 21, 2014 01:41 PM
I only just saw this, too - sending you lots of love and hugs. I'm so sorry.
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Tue Oct 21, 2014 08:01 PM
<3 Thank you. I really do appreciate the support.

Everything went well this morning, and I'm back at home resting. I asked the OB abput bringing the baby home, but he said it may not be possible due to the time, and the nature of the procecure. Oh well - I have the ultrasound image, and will make a little memory album when it's not so raw.

The following is in a spoiler so as not to distress people:
Spoiler: Show

When I saw the OB yesterday, he gave me 4 Misoprostol tablets: two to take orally before fasting and 2 to take vaginally first thing in the morning.

At 9pm (an hour before taking the pills), I started light spotting. I wonder if mentally I was ready to let go of the pregnancy, so my body started the process? Who knows.

After taking the first two pills, I started cramping. I never had period or labour pains in the front until now -if that's what "normal" labour type pain is like, I can see how people sleep throught it. Much more bearable than in the back! But who could sleep last night anyway? I was terrified to move in case I started bleeding everywhere.

At 6am I took the other 2 pulls and noticed I had started proper bleeding. Hospital staff said this was a good thing, and the body was getting ready for the procedure. Cramping and bleeding continued. While I waited, they gave me some information books for coping with pregnancy loss.

At 7:30, I was taken to theatre; I woke in recovery at 8:15. No pain, no major discomfort. They discharged me at 10:30 after a much needed cup of tea, and N took me out for brunch.

I've been told to take it easy as my bp is awfully low, so here I am, stretched out on the sofa, with a bowl of fruit salad and a couple of drinks, watching the birds in the garden
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By LlamaLlamaDuckmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 7765, member since Sun Nov 21, 2004
On Wed Oct 22, 2014 10:39 AM
Hugs... I wish there was something I could do for you other than offer virtual hugs.

Its not an easy loss at all, I had a miscarriage a few years ago and it was not easy. The pain doesn't totally go away, you always have the what ifs. It doesn't get easier totally, it just changes.

Be kind to yourself.
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By UberGoobermember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6414, member since Sat May 15, 2004
On Wed Oct 22, 2014 03:39 PM
I am so so sorry to hear this. I hope you have some wonderfully supportive people in your life that you can lean on as needed.

I'm sorry that you could not bring the baby home. Perhaps there is something else meaningful you could do if it would bring you any peace. I have heard of people planting a tree, for example.
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Wed Oct 22, 2014 06:47 PM
Thank you both <3

LLD, I remember your loss. Thank you for letting me know the pain, even if it won't go away, will change into something more bearable.

The girls from dancing have been fantastic, but I admit the few other people who know are of the "don't let it define you" and "at least it happened early" persuasion. Which, while very true, doesn't help those melancholy moments. So instead I default to a bit of very black humour to get me through when talking to them.

I'm back at work today - the current climate means I can't take too much time off, even for something like this. I guess it's one way to keep my mind off things....
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Tue Oct 28, 2014 08:37 PM
One of the hardest things is to pretend to be normal.

Most people I encounter in my day-to-day life don't know, and the ones who do know don't really want to. They don't want me to bring them down. So on goes the mask. Smile, distraction, pretend you're not aching and don't acknowledge what's lurking inside those few private moments one gets to oneself.

Move on, already.

A week is an aeon, nowadays. That was ages ago.

Cheer up. "It was still just a collection of cells." "One in four pregnancies don't make it." Minimise the damage. Change the subject.


And people wonder why I'm so quiet.



I don't want it to stop hurting yet.



I had a job interview today. One bite out of 17 applications submitted so far, and two rejection letters. We shall see what we shall see.
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By Celebrianmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 7921, member since Thu Mar 31, 2005
On Wed Oct 29, 2014 10:32 AM
I've lurked on your diary from time to time, but I wanted to let you know I am so very sorry about your loss. It doesn't matter how soon it happens in the pregnancy, it really hurts.

Hugs and vibes of comfort being sent your way from me.
re: Planting an Appleseed
By Tishwah Comments: 586, member since Sun May 17, 2009
On Fri Oct 31, 2014 06:28 AM
Thank you for giving me my 111th Karma, I like the symmetry of the number!
re: Planting an Appleseed (karma: 1)
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Fri Oct 31, 2014 09:57 AM
Just saw this post now. I am so sorry :(

I feel like people can sometimes be so awkward when it comes to the loss of something. Just because 1/4 pregnancies happen in miscarriages, doesn't make the pain less bearable. Just because _____ number of people die in a DUI or ____ number dies to cancer...it doesn't make it less painful. A statistic is just a statistic....an emotionless number that doesn't tell the whole story. I don't care of ____ people die to brain cancer a year, they aren't my friend that I lost. Hearing those numbers doesn't make the loss any less significant. Does that make sense?

You can grieve and I wish people stopped throwing statistics at you to try and make you feel better. It isn't " just a bunch of cells" or a statistic. It is your loss, and you can deal with it anyway you like. People just need to shut the F up.
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Sat Nov 01, 2014 06:14 AM
Thanks girls :)

The thing that really gets me about the "bunch of cells" comment, was that it came from a friend I know has been having her own TTC issues and is heading down the IVF path. Of all people, I guess I would have thought she would have been the most compassionate, but I guess not.

I totally get what you're saying about stats and essentially comparing pain, YYD. Even though something happens to a lot of people, it doesn't dull the edges of the hurt when it happens to you. But having said that, when you know someone who suffered the same but worse, one tends to feel guilty for feeling so badly. Or maybe that's just me. I have a friend who lost her son at 27 weeks. I've been wanting to reach out to her and say "I understand now a little of what you went through" - but how can I? (I found out about my loss on the 3rd anniversary of her son's passing.) It's apples and kumquats.

Besides, N doesn't people to know. So when friends and in-laws ask "when's the next baby?" (as they always do), I just shrug noncommittally.

N's away again. Between his studies and prep for this trip, I've been feeling very lonely trying to process everything (not to mention my work stresses and the day-to-day of having a toddler). But then he sends me an email reminding me I'm not as alone as I feel after all. <3

And a bit of shameless mummy-brag time:
As well as his exploding vocabulary, M will happily point out letters on book covers, licence plates, store signs and so on. And for a two year old, his numeracy isn't too bad either. He won't say "one", but if you ask him, he'll show you his index finger. He holds up two fingers or points to the number two, proudly proclaiming "dwo!" then "vwee!", "woor" and "wiwe" (he's not got the fine motor skills to hold up three or four fingers just yet, but he's working on it!) I don't know what other two year olds are like in this regards, but I think he's a pretty smart cookie. :)
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Tue Nov 04, 2014 07:47 PM
Well, I didn't get the job, but I'm not really surprised. In this restructure, 99% of the time the current incumbent of the role will get it, and 'floaters' like me whose roles won't exist after [x date] will be the ones left out to dry.

I probably should be more stressed/worried/etc than I am, but oh well. Whatever happens will happen.

I did get some positive feedback on my interview technique and responses, which is fantastic, and I've been told that if their preferred candidate turns it down I'm next in line, so it's not all doom and gloom.

Now we wait to see what happens with the other jobs I've applied for...
re: Planting an Appleseed
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Tue Nov 11, 2014 03:24 AM
Good grief - with everything that's been going on, I guess I forgot about the possibility of 2-y-o sleep regression. My 12-hours a night boy has decided to no longer self settle, and it takes about an hour and a half to get him into bed. Asleep. After dozing off on my lap. Because he will kick and flail and fight and scream if we don't, and we all know THAT's conducive to a restful night's sleep.

Then 3-4am arrives. And like clockwork we have tears, screams and plaintive calls for "Dad?". N (who came back from his trip on the weekend) spends the rest of the night co-sleeping in M's room.

We know M is a smart cookie - too smart sometimes (as he has figured out he can use his step from the bathroom to try and get stuff off benches and high shelves in the kitchen... ('Try' being the key word here. He's still not tall enough. Yet.) ) - so goodness knows what he's going to do once he's gone through this developmental leap.

The OB wants to see me a few weeks earlier than scheduled for a follow up and BHCG bloods. Not sure if I should be worried he wants to see me sooner or not...

And I keep getting rejection letters from Jobs I Have Applied For. Oh well. I'll just take my chances in the redeployment pool, I guess.

In the meantime, I'm doing Dinovember. It's HARD thinking up lots of non-messy tableaux for M's stuffed dinosaurs. I did buy a cheap fake moustache - Dinovember does Movember. :D Hit me up with your ideas!
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