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Fiction
Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By lovestodance989 Comments: 318, member since Sun Jun 12, 2011
On Thu May 17, 2012 01:29 PM

This is the beginning of the first chapter of the novel I'm writing. It's going to be called "Crows" or "Killing the Crows". Feel free to critique or even edit:)


"Faye, Faye, Daddy's coming home!"
I groan as the winter sunlight pours into my room, and hurriedly squint my eyes shut, savoring the calm darkness.
"Faye, did you hear me? Dad's coming home! He'll be here soon!"
My eyes pop open as the meaning of her simple words reach my brain.
"Dad's coming home?! Like, today?!"
"Yes, today!"
"When?"
" The page said he'll be home this afternoon!"
Finally, after two long, lonely months. . .
My father, the King of Sastavia, has been gone at war for two months. He's fighting these creepy, human-like sadistics called Crows. Apparently, the the first Crow was a selfish woman who went through some terrible trauma, went insane, and turned into a Crow. Since she turned into a Crow, which was about seventy years ago, she's been making more and more Crows, enough for an army.
About sixteen years ago, one year before I was born, the Crows got out of control and were killing hundreds of people everyday. But the year I was born, a horrible famine plagued our kingdom, and the Crows disappeared.
Lately, however, they've been killing more and more innocent people, so my father went to war trying to destroy them. Until today, me, my mother, ans seven year old Karina didn't even know if he was alive or dead, though we refused to consider the latter.
"Mom wants you to come down to breakfast," says Karina before skipping out the door.
"Okay!" I yell after her, then spring off my bed.
Goosebumps erupt on my legs, so I hastily replace my satin nightgown with a purple woolen dress. Then I run a boar's hair brush through my silky locks and slip into my shoes and out the door.
It's cold and dark in the stone corridors, no torches have been lit yet. I make my way through halls, down staircases and once through a little known shortcut before I'm in the dining hall. When I arrive, my mom is crying.
"Mom, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," she replies sheepishly. "I'm just so happy your Dad is coming home, I've missed him so much. I've cried every night since he's been gone."
I smile a sad smile and try not to let my own eyes get watery.
" It's okay, he'll be home really soon. Then we can all snuggle up on the couch and I'll read The Adventures of Elvira, okay?" My Mom loves listening to me read, and The Adventures of Elvira is her favorite book.
" Okay," she replies with a small smile and a hug.


Thanks for reading!

12 Replies to Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?

re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By Sumayah Comments: 6876, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu May 17, 2012 02:14 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2012-05-17 14:17:17 formatting went askew in the quote box
I'm just going rearrange and edit some stuff...

lovestodance989 wrote:

"Faye, Faye, Daddy's coming home!"
I groan as the winter sunlight pours into my room; I squint my eyes shut, savoring the calm darkness.
"Faye, did you hear me? Dad's coming home! He'll be here soon!"
My eyes pop open as the meaning of her simple words reach my brain.
"Dad's coming home?! Like, today?!"
"Yes, today!"
"When?"
"The page said he'll be home this afternoon!"
Finally, after two long, lonely months. . .
"Mom wants you to come down to breakfast," Karina said before skipping out the door.
"Okay!" I yell after her, then spring off my bed.
Goosebumps erupt on my legs, so I hastily replace my satin nightgown with a purple woolen dress. I then run a boar's hair brush through my silky locks and slip into my shoes and race out the door.
It's cold and dark in the stone corridors, no torches have been lit yet. I make my way through halls, down staircases and sneak through my special, long forgotten shortcut before I'm in the dining hall. When I arrive, my mom is crying.
"Mom, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," she replies sheepishly. "I'm just so happy your Dad is coming home, I've missed him so much."
I smile a sad smile and try not to let my own eyes get watery.
"It's okay, he'll be home really soon. Then we can all snuggle up on the couch [chaise?? what's medieval for couch?] and I'll read The Adventures of Elvira, okay?" My Mom loves listening to me read, and The Adventures of Elvira is her favorite book.
"Okay," she replies with a small smile and a hug.

****

Seventy years ago, legend holds there lived a very selfish woman. [details about woman, detail about the terrible trauma]

It was after she experienced this terrible event that she went insane. [describe how she went insane]

She was the first Crow. Ever since, she's been making more and more Crows, enough for an army of creepy, human-like sadistic creatures to kill and torture innocents. [describe how she makes them, what makes them "creepy," why are they sadistic - what do they do?]

Sixteen years ago, the Crows began a murderous rampage and daily killed hundreds of people. [don't switch tenses] But one year later, the year I was born, a horrible famine plagued our kingdom, and the Crows seemed to disappeared. [detail about the famine - how did it effect the innocents?]

But just two months ago, the Crows reemerged, as powerful and evil as ever. They've been killing more and more innocent people, so my father, the King of Sastavia, went to war trying to destroy them. And until today, me, my mother, and seven year old Karina didn't even know if he was alive or dead, though we refused to consider the latter.


Don't take anything I write as gospel truth, however you do want to watch your tenses, that's a *whole* lot harder to go back fix later. More details, many more details. Don't just sort of nonchalantly introduce this horrible woman and give her a sentence as a back story. Flush her out so we can either be duly afraid of her, sympathized with her, or thinks she's cray-cray. I assume the the little known shortcut comes into play in the future and this is foreshadowing - perhaps where Faye hides and why the Crows don't find her. (I read your prior post. ;)) Keep up the good work! I like what you're doing, just do a little more description on the back story. It doesn't have to be gone With the Wind where the picnic takes a hundred pages, but a couple paragraphs at least giving us some idea of who she would help. I like it!
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By lovestodance989 Comments: 318, member since Sun Jun 12, 2011
On Thu May 17, 2012 03:18 PM
Wow, you really put a lot of time and effort into helping me, thanks! I probably should have said before that I'm going to write a prologue about the first Crow, I just haven't gotten around to it. In the first chapter when Faye is talking about the Crows, I'm just trying to show what she knows about them. Oh, and I never realized before that I was changing tenses, thanks so much for all the help!! :)
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By SiyoNqobamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 7113, member since Fri Aug 02, 2002
On Fri May 25, 2012 08:25 PM
Edited by SiyoNqoba (34789) on 2012-05-25 20:27:51
Edited by SiyoNqoba (34789) on 2012-05-25 20:28:21
It's very good. You're only 13, right? Well done :)

About sixteen years ago, one year before I was born, the Crows got out of control and were killing hundreds of people everyday. But the year I was born, a horrible famine plagued our kingdom, and the Crows disappeared.


I love this part. Very good foreshadowing.

I wouldn't have too much information about the Crow woman yet. Instead, I would show the reader how terrible and frightening she is, and slowly reveal her back-story through out the book. The job of the opening scene is to hook the reader, so try not to overload them with details. You should know the details yourself through and through, and use foreshadowing (like you did the quote above), but this isn't the place for long-winded back-stories.

For the first chapter, I would add a couple more scenes that allow you to reveal all the reader needs to know so far, rather than cramming it all into that one scene.

Great job so far. Keep up the good work!
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By lovestodance989 Comments: 318, member since Sun Jun 12, 2011
On Wed May 30, 2012 07:37 PM
Thanks for all your tips! but I'm sad to say this part-
About sixteen years ago, one year before I was born, the Crows got out of control and were killing hundreds of people everyday. But the year I was born, a horrible famine plagued our kingdom, and the Crows disappeared- is not my original quote.:( It is Sumaya's. Thanks for all your advice and praise though :)
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By Sumayah Comments: 6876, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed May 30, 2012 07:41 PM
Nope, reread your chapter. Those were your words, not my rearrangement. ;)
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By lovestodance989 Comments: 318, member since Sun Jun 12, 2011
On Thu May 31, 2012 04:04 PM
Woops, my mistake! Haha, you're right! :D
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By SoloJazzDancer Comments: 21529, member since Wed Jun 30, 2004
On Tue Jun 19, 2012 05:41 PM
Oh my gosh! I loved it! I was so excited when I read it. It's really very good and all the input everyone gave you was very good. I can't think of any more. I'm glad you are going to give more of a back story about the crows & the famine. I can see how you could do that later on.

I have to ask though. Is this a science fiction story? Somehow I get that it is yet the castle doesn't have any kind of electricity. Or is it a story from like the 17 or 18 hundreds when they had kings and queens everywhere, lived in huge castles and had no electricity and fought w/swords? I was just wondering.

You are really 13? Wow! This is so good for a 13 year old. In my senior year in high school we had to take half year of comp & half year of speech. We were always writing stories. My teacher thought no one was as smart as he was so no one got A's. I always got B's. I'm surprised I never wrote the great American Novel because I do love to write. I'll bet in your English class, if your teacher saw just this, w/the corrected mistakes, you'd certainly get an A.

Hey, can i have an autographed copy when this comes out?
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By lovestodance989 Comments: 318, member since Sun Jun 12, 2011
On Wed Jun 20, 2012 01:54 AM
Wow,Solo Jazz Dancer, your comment completely made my day :)
This is a SciFi/fantasy novel set in (kind of) the 1700s. Not in Europe though obviously:) Of course you an have signed copy, if I ever get to finishing the first two chapters that is:P

PS everyone, I made a few drastic changes concerning the Crows, but not really the plot or anything.
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By SoloJazzDancer Comments: 21529, member since Wed Jun 30, 2004
On Wed Jun 20, 2012 06:42 PM
I so totally want to read the rest! I want to find out what happens. I do have a suggestion though. I don't know how graphic you plan to get w/this story but I am not a fan of very graphic. I think anyone who has a good command of the English language, and you sure seem to, can find different words for the graphic and swear words. Reading Rick Springfield's biography was awful! The swearing in there was amazing & so were some of the other things. He is a rock star who has used words in his songs that I had to look up because I didn't know what they meant so I know he didn't have to use the words he did. A Thesaurus is your best friend and I'm sure they have them on-line too. Use it. You will be surprised what words mean the same as other words but aren't quite so graphic and won't offend people. I know, I sound like a prude but I'm a Christian and don't like reading things like that. That's why I won't read 50 Shades Of Gray.

Believe me, I would not have said what I did if I didn't like what you had written. As for someone mentioning that this sounds kind of like another book, I have not read that one or have ever heard of it, so I can't comment on that. All I know is I like what I read and want to read more. If you write the book the way I think you will, you will have one big fan in me! I will be telling everyone to read your book.

Oh yeah, thanks for the autographed copy. I will cherish it!
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By lovestodance989 Comments: 318, member since Sun Jun 12, 2011
On Wed Jun 20, 2012 10:29 PM
Oh it's okay I'm Christian too! I really don't like graphic books, so you don't have to worry about that.
I can honestly say I have never heard of a book like the one I'm writing, and I think plagiarism is a horrible thing, so trust me, I'm not copying off of anyone else. I know you weren't implying that I was, I was just saying that for future reference for other people:)
But since you truly want to read more, I'm going upstairs in my room to write right now!:)
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By SoloJazzDancer Comments: 21529, member since Wed Jun 30, 2004
On Thu Jun 21, 2012 02:15 AM
Okay, I am totally spacing out! I can't find where someone said it reminded them of another story, which I know you wouldn't do. Don't mind me, it must be old age! LOL

It's so cool that you are a Christian. Will you put anything Christian in your story? Not that you have to but it would be cool.

I am so excited that you are going upstairs to write more! I am really getting into the story! Believe me, if I like something I will let you know & if I don't like something I will let you also know. I will never be mean or anything because I was bullied from K-10th grade & beyond so I know how that feels and I would never do that to anybody.

There was something I wanted to tell you about the story but I can't remember what I wanted to say. I'll re-read and let you know when it comes to me. You go girl! Keep writing!
re: Anyone want to read the beginning of the first chapter of my book?
By lovestodance989 Comments: 318, member since Sun Jun 12, 2011
On Thu Jun 21, 2012 03:15 AM
Well basically the whole story is about love (and not just boy-girl love, but family love too) so I would say that's pretty Christian:)
Thanks so much, let me know when you remember!

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